The Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg highlighted this 30-day mourning period in her searing, viral post, published in 2015 — 30 days into mourning her husband. “I have lived thirty years in these thirty days,” wrote Sandberg, whose husband, Dave Goldberg, had died suddenly at age 47. “I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.”

Being a rabbi lets a person see death. Being with a person when she dies, and with a family as they mourn, removes death from the realm of theory and platitudes. What one learns from those experiences is that life and death have inertia. What Sir Isaac Newton observed, that bodies in motion tend to stay in motion and that bodies at rest tend to stay at rest, is true of life and death as well. When someone dies, those who love that person are yanked out of life’s forward motion.

Both shiva and sheloshim exist to slow down reality for a mourner. But it is sheloshim, during which mourners are to refrain from attending celebrations, listening to music and shaving (among other restrictions), that allows the mourner time to become the new person she will have to be in the face of loss. Sheloshim is the bridge between the speechlessness of mourning and the babble of normal life.

But why is this period 30 days?

Jewish texts can be frustrating —  garrulous on the how of Jewish life, but quiet as to its why. “Why?” has to be inferred. But a passage from Judaism foremost book of how, the Shulchan Aruch, the Code of Jewish Law, yields a lovely inference about the purpose of sheloshim.

“One who meets his friend, a mourner, within the thirty days [of mourning] he offers him words of consolation, but does not extend to him a greeting of peace (that is, says, ‘shalom’).

After thirty days, he may say ‘shalom’ to him, but does not offers him words of consolation in the usual manner, and only makes reference to his sorrow indirectly, [viz.,] he does not mention to him the name of the dead, but [only] says to him, ‘Be consoled.’” (Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 285)

One doesn’t wish a mourner, “peace,” for they have little of it until 30 days after a loved one’s funeral. One consoles a mourner openly, fully, until 30 days after death, and then stops referring to their loss directly. What we can infer is that our teachers believed that something momentous changes at the 30-day mark. Sandberg wrote about the powerful lessons of that first month in her post on sheloshim.

Rabbi Chaim Shreiber has explained why this time frame matters: “The Jewish calendar is based on the moon. Just as the moon waxes and wanes in a cyclical period, the 30 days of mourning are an opportunity for the closing of a full emotional circle. The process begins with the funeral and the first days of shiva, when one can’t even see a glimmer of light. With the passing of time, the light returns in stages, and waxes more and more. Thirty days is an important period of time, a time for renewal and grasping a new reality.”

It isn’t that we stop mourning after the sheloshim has passed. The law tells us to wish a mourner our condolences for a full cycle of Jewish holidays. Rather, the end of sheloshim marks the beginning of living a new normal for the mourner. As Sandberg put it, “Those who have said, ‘You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good’ comfort me more because they know and speak the truth.”

Of course, there is the often-expressed who-are-you-to-tell-me critique, as in, “Who are you (the rabbis) to tell me that it takes 30 days to mourn this way? Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no one-size, fits all timeline for it.” The criticism is just. People are different, and grief idiosyncratic.

But if this rabbi’s experience says anything, it’s that people rarely give themselves even the full month before trying to reintegrate into “normal” life. It can make for a painful gait when someone tries to move too fast. Because to mourn is to be changed against one’s will. And these changes often dwarf a mourner’s desire to manage them.

Scott Perlo, a rabbi at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue in Washington, D.C., is shortly to take a position at the 92^nd St. Y in New York.

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There are two main phrases that are key to understanding the Kaddish. By looking at them closely, we can transform our understanding of the prayer — from a testimony to faith in a God whose actions cause us to suffer for reasons we don’t understand to a prompt that reminds God of the brokenness of the world.

The first key phrase is the opening line: Yitgadal Ve-Yitkadash Shemei Rabbah. This is often translated into English as “Magnified and sanctified be His great name.” It is understandable how this could be seen as a prayer praising God. But the prayer is not a praise; it is a request. The worshiper is asking for God to be magnified and to be sanctified, implying — correctly — that God is not magnified and sanctified right now.

How could it be that God is not magnified and sanctified now? It is clear from the biblical context of this line in Ezekiel 38:23 that God will only be made great and holy at the end of days, when all nations recognize God as the supreme moral force in the world. Shockingly, the Kaddish also claims that God is not king, by stating: “let God’s kingdom rule.” (God is not fully king until everyone recognizes God.)

In a world of death and mourning, it is clear that God is not fully holy, great or even king. This prayer — put in the mouth of the mourner — begs God to speed the day when God is, in fact, great and holy. But it acknowledges that we aren’t there yet.

The other line in Kaddish that is critical is the congregational response: Y’hei Sh’mei Raba M’varach L’alam Ul’almei Almaya. The translation: “May His great Name be blessed forever and for all eternity.” A very strange feature of the Kaddish is the lack of God’s name. Almost all other prayers mention God’s name — so why is it missing from this particular prayer? Why is God absent, but God’s name (“his name”) is mentioned multiple times?

The answer has everything to do with the radical theology of the Kaddish. This is a prayer that is acting out the reality we live in: a world in which God’s name is diminished. And while we want God’s name to be great and blessed, and ask for that in this prayer, we still live in a world where that hasn’t happened fully. Exhibit A? The death we are mourning, the death that brought us to this prayer.

This is illustrated in one of the oldest stories about the Kaddish, in the Babylonian Talmud, which is the source of this line:

Rabbi Yose said: One time I was walking on the path, and I entered a ruin from one of the ruins of Jerusalem in order to pray. Elijah of blessed memory came and watched the doorway until I finished my prayer …. he said to me … :

“Whenever the Israelites go into the synagogues and schoolhouses and respond: ‘May His great name be blessed,’ God shakes His head and says: “Happy is the king who is thus praised in His house! Woe to the father who had to banish his children, and woe to the children who had to be banished from the table of their father!” (Brachot 3a)

This source offers another perspective on the context of the congregational response. On the one hand, when the phrase is recited by Israel in the synagogues and study houses, God is filled with happiness. But immediately following this statement of joy, God goes on to say: Woe is Me and woe is Israel. In other words, the source reflects the complex emotions that are embedded in the recitation of the line. This is a line that was associated with the presence of God; reciting it meant that God’s name — the embodiment of God’s immanence — was at hand. Yet it is recited not in the world of the Temple and the High Priest, but rather in a world in which Jerusalem is in ruins.

In other words, the line has morphed from a reaction to God’s presence to a painful reminder of God’s absence. God is no longer available in this world in the way God once was.

Significantly, the sufferer in this text is not limited to the “children” — that is, Israel. The suffering parties include also God. Both experience woe. By reciting this line, then, the mourner invites God into the emotional experience of remembering better times and of grief for the state of the world.

The Kaddish is not a stoic praise of an unfeeling God who for reasons we can’t know let our loved ones die without remorse. Rather, it is a plea for a better world in which God is more fully holy, and the presence of God more completely experienced.

We are not living in that world, and the Kaddish knows it; but it offers us a path to imagine a world beyond our current one. And critically, God is in league with us in begging for that world to come soon.

This essay was adapted for My Jewish Learning from an essay in the book “Kaddish” (New Paradigm Matrix, 2017)

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Her mission: Help people connect when they don’t know what to say. So, if you are looking for a card that says, “When people say it’s a marathon, not a sprint— I don’t think they get how much you hate running,” or “I wish I could take away your pain, or at least take away the people who compare it to the time their hamster died,” she’s got you covered.

Her witty takes on the awkward moments of sadness and grief ring true, but I am not sure they answer the question so many of us ask: What do I say?

What do I say to someone who has lost their spouse suddenly, and far too young? What do I say to someone who just buried a child? What do I say to someone whose parents no longer live in this world? What do I say when I see them on the street, at school pick-up, in the grocery store? And even more urgently, what do I say when I show up at their house for shiva?

On one level, there is an easy answer to that question. There are traditional phrases one says in a house of mourning. The first: Hamakom yinachem etchem b’toch she-ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim — May God comfort you amongst all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Or, if that feels like a mouthful, there’s the shorter (and perhaps more hopeful): Chaim aruchim — May you have a long life. And in Sephardic households, you might hear someone say: Min ha-shamayim tenachumu — May you be comforted from Heaven.

Yet, even with these phrases easily at hand, Judaism understands loss and mourning, especially in its early days, as murky and convoluted. Our tradition understands that it takes time to ease back into daily routines, to begin to look and feel and act like ourselves again.

The roadmap of Jewish grief is marked in increments — the hours or days before the burial comprise a liminal phase called aninut, when you are not your normal self, but you are not yet a mourner. There is shloshim, the 30 days after a loved one is buried, which offers mere glimpses of normalcy. There is shanah, traditionally reserved for those mourning a parent — an entire year, during which bereaved people get closer and closer to the lives they led before their loss (though some activities, like attending a wedding, party, or concert, remain forbidden).

And perhaps more than anything else, there is shiva. In the world in which I grew up, shiva often felt oddly festive, perhaps because until my late adolescence, I was lucky enough to attend shiva only for people who had died “in their season.” Even a grandparent dying too young is still a grandparent and such a death still fits into the basic scheme of life.

And so, there was food (mostly deli, and a lot of it) and drink (frequently seltzer) and there were some nods to traditional behaviors (the occasional covered mirror, the low stools provided by the funeral home). Visitors told stories — often poignant ones and funny ones —about the deceased; these vignettes were gifts of memory to those who were in deepest mourning.

All of this changed the first time I went to a very traditional shiva for a classmate, then in his early 20s, whose mother had just died. Walking into that home was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Rather than the hubbub of small talk, of offering refreshments, of those stories being told or performed, there was silence. The mourners sat on those low stools; visitors sat beside them without talking. The focus was on the mourner, not the deli platters. I felt as if I had landed on some alien Jewish planet.

Tradition teaches that comforters — those who come to the shiva house — are not permitted to say a word until the mourners themselves open the conversation. This tradition traces its origins to the Book of Leviticus 10:1-2.

And Nadav and Avihu, the sons of Aaron, took each of them his firepan, and put fire therein, and laid incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the Lord, which God had not commanded them. And there came forth fire from before the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord.

It is a sudden and shocking moment. Having just been given, at least metaphorically, the keys to the Sanctuary, Aaron (the High Priest) watches as his sons are consumed by flames. Reading it, each time, the shock remains visceral. Stranger still is what happens next.

Then Moses said unto Aaron: ‘This is it that the Lord spoke, saying: Through them that are nigh unto Me I will be sanctified, and before all the people I will be glorified.’ And Aaron was silent. (Leviticus 10:3)

Jewish sages have long tried to spin Aaron’s silence as a theological statement, as an attempt to gain praise from God. Rashi, the great commentator, suggests that Aaron was rewarded for his silence, given the gift of a personal address from God. About 800 years later, Rabbi Eliezer Lipman-Lichtenstein notes that this Torah portion uses a very particular word (va-yidom) for silence. Rather than just implying that Aaron did not speak or weep or moan or cry out, Rabbi Lipman-Lichtenstein suggests that the verb is meant to teach us that Aaron’s heart and soul were at peace; somehow, in this tragic moment, the saintly Aaron arrived a place of inner peace and calm.

Isaac ben Judah Abravanel, a medieval commentator, reads this text the way that I do: His heart turned to lifeless stone, and he did not weep and mourn like a bereaved father, nor did he accept Moses’ consolation, for his soul had left him and he was speechless.
So too, when the biblical Job was mourning his unfathomable losses (10 of his children), we read:

And they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great. After this, Job began to speak … (Job 2:12-13)

Because sometimes, there are no words. Sometimes, nothing that you can say, as heartfelt as it might be, is what a mourner needs to hear. Sometimes, the most powerful thing that we can do is bear witness to someone’s pain, to hold in our presence their silence. Based on these texts, Dr. Ron Wolfson, of American Jewish University, says that the essence of consoling the bereaved can be distilled to three actions: Be there, speak in silence and hear with a heart.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel teaches that there are three modes of mourning: silence, tears and song. The rules and traditions of Jewish mourning tell us that we — the comforters — do not get to set the mode and the tone. Grief ebbs and it flows. It can be melancholic and profound, it can be raucous and inappropriate, but whatever it is, it belongs to the mourner. It is the bereaved who can tell you if and what he needs to share, or when she wants to cry or laugh. If the mourner is too stunned to even form a coherent sentence, that’s OK, too. Your job, our job, is to be with them where they need to be. Not to coax, not to lead — just to be there.

(Rabbi Sari Laufer is the director of congregational engagement at Stephen Wise Temple in Los Angeles. A cum laude graduate of Northwestern University Rabbi Laufer was ordained by Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion, Los Angeles in May 2006. Prior to coming to Wise, Rabbi Laufer spent 11 years as the assistant and associate rabbi at Congregation Rodeph Sholom in New York City.)

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The post When It’s OK To Say Nothing appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Traditionally, Jews are obligated to sit shiva when they have lost a parent, sibling, spouse or child. Jews today observe shiva in a variety of ways. While many people find comfort in observing all the traditional customs of shiva, others observe only some customs. Some people divide the week between multiple locations, often staying with — or traveling to — the homes of other family members who are mourning the same loved one. Other families sit shiva for fewer than seven days, or announce specific visiting hours each day, so they do not feel pressured to accept visitors all day long. While many mourning families host a shiva minyan each day, a prayer service in which they can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, not all do.

In addition, not all Jewish mourners choose to take all the traditional steps in preparing the home; for example, not everyone covers the mirrors in their home during the shiva period.

The checklist below lists things you may want to do to prepare a shiva house. In many synagogues, a committee of volunteers is available to help with these tasks. Be aware that each mourner is different, however, and not all families will want to take every step listed. Did we miss something important? Email us at community@myjewishlearning.com or leave suggestions in the comments below.

General Preparations for Shiva

• Notify the mourner’s employer that he or she will be unavailable for the week.
• If the deceased person and/or their mourners are affiliated with a synagogue, contact the synagogue(s) to request help with practical arrangements, set a schedule of services (the shiva minyan) and ensure that 10 adults will be at services (if applicable).
• Decide when/where you will sit shiva and will accept visitors, so that the funeral director or rabbi can distribute that info to those who want to visit.
• Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends and extended family or enlist the service of a caterer. Ensure that the house is stocked with enough food for the mourners and their guests. Identify where to donate leftover food and who will bring it there.
• Arrange for someone (a friend, synagogue volunteer or a hired person) to clean the house before and during shiva.
• Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and people in the neighborhood.
• Prepare a handout with the shiva information, to be passed out at the funeral. Make sure it includes the address of (and maybe directions to) the home where shiva will be observed, hours during which visitors will be welcomed, and the times services (shiva minyan) will be held, if applicable.

Preparing the Shiva House

• Cover the mirrors, if desired. It does not matter what material you use to cover the mirrors (paper, fabric etc.) Since the reason for this tradition is that people shouldn’t be able to see their reflection, mirrors above or a below a height where people will be able to see themselves need not be covered.
• Consider having a sign-in book and pens/pencils for the guests.
• Have a good supply of tissues.
• Put away any highly valuable or delicate items.
• If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services, and kippot (head coverings) for guests. In addition, most funeral homes or chevra kadisha groups (Jewish burial societies) will provide a large shiva candle that burns for seven days. You can also purchase ones (including electrical ones) online.
• If desired, create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
• Set up tables and chairs (low chairs or couches without the cushions for the mourners, regular chairs for everyone else). You may need to borrow extra chairs depending on the number of visitors expected.
• Consider displaying photos of the deceased. This is a nice way to honor the deceased and encourages visitors to talk about the deceased, rather than discussing only trivial matters.

Special thanks to Rabbi Jason Weiner for his assistance with this article.

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Why do Jews place stones on graves?

Does Judaism allow cremation?

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

Does Jewish law ever allow embalming?

What exactly happens during shiva?

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Why do Jews place stones on graves?

A variety of explanations for this tradition are discussed in the video below. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow cremation?

While Jewish tradition is strongly anti-cremation, many Jews do choose this over burial, and many Jewish funeral homes and clergy will assist with the funeral and its aftermath regardless. Learn more here.

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes. The misperception that tattoos bar their wearers from Jewish burial is so common has seeped into the wider culture, referenced  by Larry David in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and prompting even the New York Times to consider the question. Though some individual Jewish burial societies may decline to bury tattooed Jews, the practice does not appear to be a common one and there is nothing in Jewish law that calls for denying a Jewish burial to an individual with a tattoo.  Learn more here.

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes, in most cases. Although traditional Jewish law rules that mourning rites should not be observed for those who take their own lives, most contemporary rabbis look for any basis on which to disqualify an apparent suicide so as to allow for traditional burial. Learn more about Judaism and suicide here.

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

There are many laws and customs governing the burial of Jews separately from non-Jews. Traditional Jewish cemeteries that adhere to these practices often permit burial only of those who are Jewish as defined by the longstanding traditional definition (that is, born of a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism under the auspices of Jewish law).

Cemeteries or special parts of cemeteries owned by non-Orthodox congregations or other Jewish institutions often allow somewhat more latitude in determining who is a Jew and/or who may be buried where; some allow non-Jews to be buried anywhere in the cemetery so long as the tombstone doesn’t bear symbols of other religions, while other cemeteries have special sections in which Jews and non-Jewish spouses may be buried together. Learn more about mourning a non-Jewish loved one here.

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Jewish tradition forbids autopsies in a general way on the grounds that the body is sacred. However, they are permitted in two specific cases: where the law requires it, or if it could help others who are immediately suffering from the same disease or condition. Learn more about autopsies and Jewish law here.

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Yes. Despite the common misperception that Judaism opposes organ donations, on the whole there is widespread support for organ donation across the spectrum of Jewish observance, from Reform to haredi Orthodox. Some authorities, citing the injunction in Leviticus 19 not to stand idly by the blood of one’s neighbor, go further in suggesting that Jewish tradition mandates organ donation in certain circumstances. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

The practice of open-casket funerals and public viewings of the dead is not a traditional Jewish practice and runs counter to a number of Jewish legal and philosophical principles. The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot records the opinion of Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar, who counseled that one should not console your friend “at the time when his deceased lies before him.” This statement is often understood to suggest that Judaism does not consider rituals like a wake or a public viewing of the dead to be comforting to mourners. The Talmud also says that gazing upon the dead causes one to forget the Torah they learned.

Open caskets are also typically accompanied by some sort of cosmetic procedure and/or embalming to prevent the body’s decay. Both these actions are considered inconsistent with the prohibition of desecrating a dead body, known in Hebrew as nivul hamet. This prohibition is derived from the verse in Deuteronomy that prohibits leaving the body of an executed man overnight. The Talmud expounds on what qualifies as desecration of the dead to include post-mortem procedures that tamper with a body.

Moreover, various philosophical and mystical objections have been lodged against the practice, among them the idea that a person’s body is merely the container for their true self — their soul. In this view, placing a body on display so one can pay their respects doesn’t honor the deceased; it merely objectifies the container in which the deceased’s personhood once resided. The Jewish mystical tradition believes that the departure of a soul from the body is spiritually painful and that anything that prolongs that process, such as embalming, would aggravate the soul’s pain.

Learn more about Jewish funerals here.

What to expect at a Jewish funeral.

How to plan a Jewish funeral.

Does traditional Judaism ever allow embalming?

There are instances in which embalming would be allowed, such as where a body is being transported over a long distance or if there’s an unavoidable delay in burial. It may also be permitted if it is required by civil authorities. This is the explanation sometimes invoked to explain the embalming of Jacob and Joseph when they died in Egypt, as recorded in the 50th chapter of Genesis.

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Traditional Jewish law requires that a person be buried within 24 hours. The source for this requirement is Deuteronomy, which states that the body of an executed man impaled on a stake must not be left overnight because it is an “affront” to God. The Shulchan Aruch establishes this as a general principle but also delineates a number of situations that would justify a delay, including allowing time for relatives to assemble or to gather burial shrouds. In addition, circumstances sometimes necessitate a delay, such as when a person dies on the eve of the Sabbath. Since burial is prohibited on the Sabbath, burial is often delayed until after. Today, many non-Orthodox Jewish families delay the funeral several days in order to allow loved ones who live far away to be there for the event. Others opt to have a speedy funeral, but then hold a memorial service at a later date when more people can attend.

What exactly happens during shiva?

The shiva period is the first seven days after burial, when mourners traditionally stay home and receive visitors. While there are numerous laws and customs associated with shiva, many non-Orthodox Jewish families choose to observe some, but not all of these practices. For example, a family might sit shiva for fewer than seven days or might specify visiting times so that individuals do not feel obligated to have visitors in the house throughout the day. Learn more about shiva here.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Jewish Mourning FAQ appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There is no simple “solution” to cure you of grief, but there is usually a level of resolution in which one achieves a measure of closure. As you undergo this process of healing and reintegrating into your new “normal,” expect to experience many ups and downs. Grief counselors sometime describe grief as a river: It is not a straight line, but zigzags without any apparent pattern. At the same time, it flows, rising and falling with regularity, especially on anniversaries or special occasions. At other times it can be wild and unpredictable.

Don’t see bereavement as an illness or weakness. It is a normal reaction to loss and needs to play itself out. However, there are some general stages of grief that have been identified, and can help normalize the process. Many find Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of mourning helpful: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These don’t always happen in order nor does everyone necessarily experience all of them. Some have noted a more general mourning process starting with shock, then pain, and then gradually a sense of resolution and readjustment.

This article offers specific advice for each stage of the Jewish mourning process. Below are some general tips that apply to the entire process:

• • Find supportive people to be around who accept your feelings, and don’t make you feel judged.
  • Think about your sources of strength and resilience, and what strategies you have used to overcome previous challenges in your life, but don’t feel discouraged if the pain last for more time than you thought it would.
  • Consider incorporating Jewish mourning traditions and rituals into your life. Though not everybody observes all the Jewish mourning traditions and rituals, being aware of their deep psychological and spiritual wisdom may offer further guidance. Indeed, many people find that having rituals to observe provides a comforting framework for dealing with painful emotions.

Where to Find HelpWhat to Expect Before the FuneralWhat to Expect During Shiva (the First Week after the Funeral)What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month after the Funeral)What to Expect the First YearWhat to Expect Moving ForwardWhat to Do When Grief is Especially Complicated

Where to Find Help

There are many helpful organizations and websites, such as Grief.com, that provide support to people who are mourning. Many synagogues and Jewish communities have grief support groups, which are often coordinated through the local Jewish federation. Often, there are a few to choose from and it is acceptable to try some out to see if its a good fit, and then move on to another one if it is not.

You don’t have to be a member of a synagogue to attend these groups, and you can often start by searching the Internet or calling your local federation to find one near you. If there is no grief support in your area, but there is a synagogue, don’t let membership dues deter you from attending synagogue services or other programs. With the exception of High Holiday services and Hebrew school programs, synagogue services and programs are generally open to all, regardless of whether or not they are members or have paid dues.

Even if you’ve never attended the synagogue before, if you inform the rabbi of what you are experiencing, chances are that you will be embraced without any need to pay for membership or any other fees. If this feels uncomfortable, one way to approach this might be simply by reaching out to a local rabbi to ask them what sort of resources are available for someone who is grieving in your community. They can then either welcome you to be comforted by their community, or share with you some other local options that may be a better fit.

What to Expect During Aninut (the Period Before and Including the Funeral)

You may feel numb, like it is not real, and that you are in a fog-like state of shock. During this time Jewish tradition encourages you to acknowledge feelings of despair.

Jewish mourners are not expected to do anything, not even fulfill commandments like saying blessings or participating in daily prayer services, but simply to plan the funeral and ensure they can give the most fitting final respects to their loved one. It is during this time that one simply comes to terms with the painful reality of the death. Jewish law actually forbids people to offer condolences during this phase. Judaism recognizes that we can’t take the pain away while the dead is still lying before us, and the bereaved are not yet ready to be comforted.

The funeral can be a cathartic part of this phase. It is customary to tear a garment at the funeral (a practice known as kriah) in recognition of the pain and even anger that might be felt at this time. It is an attempt to give expression to one’s anger in a controlled manner. Saying a final goodbye, and shoveling earth onto the coffin are meant to acknowledge the finality of the death, helping to dissipate the shock.

What to Expect During Shiva (The First Week after the Funeral)

The Jewish tradition of sitting shiva enables you to stop, reflect and accept the reality of the death as the full emotional impact sets in. During this week, mourners traditionally stay at home and are visited by friends and family. They also begin reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish; traditionally a minyan of at least 10 Jewish adults gather at the shiva house to say the Kaddish.

One of the most crucial aspects of this week is talking openly about the deceased: the impact of the death, what caused it, the days leading up to it, as well as good memories and reflections on their entire life. Telling the narrative over and over again makes the death more real and, though painful, is part of the healing process. This is why grief counselors often say that we can’t just “move on,” we have to “move forward” recognizing that grief is a “journey through,” not around.

It is also important to recognize that Judaism takes a community-based approach. That is why we say, “tzarot rabim chatzi nechama” or “a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved” (based on Sefer Hachinuch, Mitzvah 331). It can be very helpful during this intense period of mourning to have the comfort of other people’s caring presence.

Advice During Shiva

• • • Although people often say unwise and hurtful things to mourners, try not to see this as being insensitive or intentionally offensive. Rather, people are often uncomfortable in these situations and don’t know what to say. Try to accept the good intentions behind their clumsy attempts to help.
    • Even if you aren’t part of a structured Jewish community or synagogue, it may be beneficial to seek one during this time, or attend group grief therapy sessions or find a counselor or therapist (see above for advice on how to find one in your area).
    • If you have friends or family who have not reached out to you in your time of need, try not to take it personally and don’t be afraid to reach out to them to let them know how you are feeling. They will most likely be happy that you did.
    • Don’t be afraid to take some alone time for yourself during shiva. In fact, this option is built into the shiva tradition on Shabbat, when public expressions of mourning and condolence calls are actually traditionally forbidden.

What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month After the Funeral)

After shiva it is customary to take a short walk around the block, symbolizing the need to begin reintegrating into society.The walk around the block is a good transition to Sheloshim, the next three weeks, during which there is still some level of mourning, but it is less intense and readjustment begins. It’s normal to continue to feel very sad and emotional during this time.

Advice During Sheloshim

• • • Just because the initial stage of the mourning has come to an end, doesn’t mean the need to cope goes away. Continue to find people to talk to and tell your story to during this time and beyond.
    • When you go back to work, you don’t want to bombard people with your sadness and stories, but you should let them know what you are going through so they can be supportive and understanding.
    • Even if you did not say Kaddish during Shiva, you might find it comforting to do so now, especially on Shabbat when you might be able to find some time to attend synagogue and find some communal support.

What To Expect During the First Year

For most losses, the official Jewish mourning process ends with the conclusion of sheloshim. For those mourning a parent, the process traditionally continues another 10 months.

Of course the loss of a parent isn’t the only one that will impact you emotionally for more than a month and no one expects you to be done mourning in just 30 days, or even in a year. Some people choose to continue to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish beyond the 30 days, and others find different ways to continue to honor their loved one, such as by doing good things or giving charity in their memory.

The entire first year can remain very difficult, painful and an emotional roller coaster, particularly as you attempts to cope with the demands of daily life. It is normal to have conflicting emotions toward the deceased.

Advice During the First Year

• • • Don’t feel abnormal if the grief persists throughout this year, particularly around special occasions, and just because some days are good doesn’t mean there won’t be more bad days.
    • It can be beneficial to have imaginary conversations with the person you are mourning while saying Kaddish, at the graveside, looking at photographs, or even writing in a journal.
    • Consider reciting the Kaddish regularly, even if you are not religious. Reciting this prayer affirms that no matter how much you might despair, you are publicly affirming that you will not give up and will carry on the positive values of your loved one in this world. Many people also find it is psychologically helpful to incorporate this ritual into their daily or weekly routine and to be part of a larger community of people saying Kaddish.
    • Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or family, especially after the initial surge of attention ebbs and it feels like people have forgotten about you and/or seem to think you should be over it.

What to Expect Moving Forward

Even after the first year, expect to feel some pain, especially on holidays and at lifecycle events. Allow yourself to feel the pain and acknowledge it, ideally surrounding yourself with loved ones and life-affirming activities, such as finding sources of gratitude (i.e. how your life was enriched by the one you’ve lost), happiness and health. These occasions can also serve as reminders that, as difficult as it is, you have managed to survive another year without your loved one, yet have not forgotten them. It is customary to remember your loved one on certain days of the year, each in a different way:

• • • On the anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit), often by lighting a candle, visiting the grave and/or saying Kaddish.
    • At the Yizkor memorial service in synagogue on Yom Kippur and the last days of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot.

Advice Moving Forward

• • • On the Yahrzeit and at Yizkor, it is common to feel once again some of the emotions felt during the first year of mourning. You should re-engage many of the strategies for coping mentioned in this article.
    • It is crucial during the grieving process to identify your sources of strength, and to acknowledge your hopes and your fears, and not to be afraid to find someone to talk to openly about them.

What to Do When Grief Is Especially Complicated

As we have pointed out, there is no one right way to mourn nor one normal or universal timeline. Everyone grieves differently and most mourners will return to standard functioning in their own time frame. However, when grief is ongoing and paralyzing, particularly if the intensity doesn’t subside over time, it is known as “complicated grief.” When it continues for more than a year (or less than that if the emotions are overwhelming) this “unresolved grief” may require professional help.

This is especially common following traumatic or unexpected loss and is often characterized by lack of acceptance of the death, avoidance of experiencing pain or grief, resistance to continuing with daily life and unwillingness to be comforted. It also manifests as isolation, lack of desire to form new relationships, decreased performance at work/school, talking often about death in unrelated conversations (or never talking about it at all).

If you or someone you love is engaging in uncharacteristic behavior, has drastically changed sleep habits, suicidal ideation or severe depression, please take heed. The reality is that grief is real and can’t be ignored. When it gets to these extremes for an extended period of time it is crucial to be evaluated by a professional specialist.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Finding Support at Each Stage of Grief appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Ironically, as lonely as grief can be, it is one of life’s most universal experiences. And from ancient times to the present, people have been writing about it. While nothing can take your pain away, many mourners get some comfort from reading poems and other texts that address loss, mortality and grief.

We encourage you to explore the Book of Psalms, which, as this article notes, Jews and others have for centuries turned to “for solace, guidance, catharsis, renewal, and much more.” Another popular biblical text at times of loss is The Book of Job, which addresses head on and often very poetically, the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people. In addition, many people find the words of the Mourner’s Kaddish comforting.

A number of contemporary books, such as For Those Left Behind: A Jewish Anthology of Comfort and Healing and Grief in Our Seasons: A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion offer an array of inspiring poems, quotes and other readings.

Below are some of our favorite Jewish quotes, poems and texts for comforting mourners. Did we miss a special quote or a book that helped you get through a hard time? Leave it in the comments below or email us at community@myjewishlearning.com.

Don’t Be Afraid of Pain

We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there. — Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, a contemporary American rabbi (from When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search For a Life That Matters)

There Is No Magic Answer

There is no magic answer to loss. Nothing, not even time, will make the pain completely disappear. But loss is transformative if it is met with faith. Faith is our chance to make sense of loss, to cope with the stone that rolls around in the hollow of our stomachs when something we loved, something we thought was forever, is suddenly gone. — Rabbi David Wolpe, a contemporary American rabbi (from Making Loss Matter: Creating Meaning in Difficult Times)

Rebuilding After Loss

“I will build an altar from the broken fragments of my heart.” — Rabbi Yehuda HaChasid, a Polish rabbi who, with a group of followers, moved to Jerusalem in 1700.

“Each Of Us Has a Name”

This Hebrew poem, by the Israeli poet known as Zelda (her full name was Zelda Schneurson Mishkovsky and she lived from 1914-1984) is translated here by Marcia Falk and is often read at funerals and memorial services, as well as at Jewish naming ceremonies.

What We Leave Behind

You can read the Hannah Senesh poem “There are Stars” (Yesh Kochavim, in the original Hebrew) in full here. The Hungarian-born Senesh was killed by the Nazis at age 23. She had moved to pre-state Israel but then returned to Hungary in 1944, in a doomed (and fatal) effort to help the anti-Nazi resistance fighters there. Here are the first few lines:

There are stars whose radiance is visible on earth
though they have long been extinct.
There are people whose brilliance continues to light
the world even though they are not longer among the living….

“If I Had Not Fallen”

This short passage comes from Orchot Tzadikim (The Ways of the Righteous), an anonymous book of Jewish ethical teachings written in 15th-century Germany:

If I had not fallen, I would not have picked myself up,
If I did not sit in darkness, I would not have seen the light.

(Orchot Tzadikim, Shaar Hateshuvah, Shaar 26)

“God Takes Nothing”

This proverb comes from Midrash HaGadol, a collection of Midrash texts that was compiled in the 14th century:

God takes nothing from the world until He puts something else in its place.

“Strange Is Our Situation Here on Earth”

This passage by physicist Albert Einstein comes from “My Credo,” an article he wrote in 1932, which is cited here.

Strange is our situation here on Earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men — above all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.

Three Levels of Mourning

This is a Hasidic teaching that Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel often quoted, according to Heschel, Hasidism and Halakha:

There are three ascending levels of mourning: with tears — that is the lowest. With silence — that is higher. And with a song — that is the highest.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Words of Comfort for Mourners appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Aninut (pronounced ah-nee-NUTE) — The period between learning of a loved one’s death and their burial. A mourner during this period is referred to as an onen (oh-NEHN).

Aron (pronounced ah-ROHN) — This Hebrew word, which is used to refer to the cabinet where a Torah is stored, also means “casket,” or coffin.

Aveilut

(pronounced ah-vay-LUTE) — The Hebrew word for mourning.

Baruch Dayan Emet (pronounced bah-ROOKH dai-YAN eh-MET)  — Literally meaning “blessed is the judge of truth,” this phrase is uttered upon hearing the news that someone has died. On the internet, it is often abbreviated BDE.

Chesed Shel Emet (pronounced KHEH-sed shell EM-ut) — Literally “the truest act of kindness,” this means kindness to a dead person, usually used to describe the work of a Jewish burial society or the care of a grave.

Chevra Kadisha (pronounced KHEH-vruh kah-DEE-shuh) —  Hebrew for “holy society,” this refers to a Jewish burial society, often tasked with preparing the body for burial and providing support services for the mourners.

El Maleh Rahamim (pronounced ell mah-LEH rakh-hah-MEEM, or RAKH-ah-meem) —Hebrew for “God full of mercy,” this is the name of a prayer recited at a Jewish funeral, at the unveiling of the tombstone and during Yizkor services.

Kaddish (pronounced KAH-dish) — The Mourner’s Kaddish is an Aramaic prayer traditionally recited by the mourners during shiva (see below), shloshim (see below), and — when mourning a parent — daily for 11 months after burial.

Kriah (pronounced KREE-uh or kree-YAH) — Mourning custom of tearing one’s garment.

Matzevah (pronounced mahtz-uh-VAH) — Hebrew for monument, or gravestone.

Nihum Avelim (pronounced nee-KHOOM ah-vay-LEEM) — Hebrew for “comforting mourners,” considered one of the most important acts of chesed, or lovingkindness, a Jew can perform.

Shiva (pronounced SHIH-vuh or shee-VAH) — The seven-day mourning period after the funeral. What you need to know about sitting shiva and visiting a shiva house.

Shiva minyan (pronounced SHIH-vuh MINN-yun or shee-VAH meen-YAHN) — The prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews needed to assemble in the mourner’s home so that he or she can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish.

Shloshim (pronounced shloh-SHEEM, or SHLOH-sheem) — The first 30 days after a loved one is buried.

Shomer (pronounced SHOH-mur or shoh-MARE) — Hebrew for “guard,” this is someone who sits with the body before it is buried. Jewish law dictates that a body must not be left alone between death and burial.

Tahara

(pronounced tah-HAH-ruh or tah-hah-RAH) — Hebrew for “purification,” this is the traditional cleaning and ritual preparation of a body before burial, usually performed by members of a chevra kadisha (see above).

Yahrzeit (pronounced YAHR-tzite) —The Hebrew anniversary of someone’s death. On a loved one’s yahrzeit, Jews traditionally light a 25-hour candle known as a yahrzeit candle or yizkor candle.

Yizkor (pronounced YIZZ-kohr) — A Jewish memorial service for the dead that is part of the observance of several holidays.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Must-Know Jewish Death and Mourning Terms appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

What does a shiva house look like?

Traditionally, mourners cover all the mirrors in the house and sit either on low stools (in Ashkenazi tradition) or on the floors or on pillows (Sephardic tradition). Sitting like this symbolizes that the mourner is in low spirits. Mourners often keep a yahrzeit memorial candle burning for the entire week. In addition, it is customary to leave the doors unlocked so that visitors can come and go without disturbing the mourners. Many families also set out a condolence book where visitors can sign in and leave messages. Find more details about shiva house customs and what they signify.

When does one sit shiva and for whom?

Shiva begins immediately after the funeral. Traditionally, a mourner sits shiva for a parent, sibling, child or spouse.

How long does shiva last?

Shiva is the Hebrew word for “seven,” and shiva traditionally lasts seven days. Some families sit shiva for shorter periods of time, however. Jewish law stipulates that if a family is in financial distress, mourners can return to work after just three days. Learn more about work and shiva.

When a yom tov, or Jewish holiday like Rosh Hashanah that is traditionally observed with restrictions similar to Shabbat restrictions (like not driving or using electricity), falls fewer than seven days after the burial, the shiva period is shortened, ending with the holiday. Shiva is not observed on Shabbat.

What is a mourner supposed to do during shiva?

Friends and family are expected to visit the mourner and provide food for him or her. Traditionally, three prayer services are conducted each day at the shiva house, with guests forming what is called a shiva minyan (the prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews). During these services, mourners recite the Mourner’s Kaddish. Learn about the shiva minyan.

In addition, there are some shiva customs unique to the Sephardic community. For example, according to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, Iranian Jews customarily hold a special study session in synagogue during the shiva week, which mourners are allowed to attend “and are often joined by hundreds of friends and relatives.”

Besides staying home, are there other restrictions the mourner is supposed to observe during shiva?

Mourners are traditionally forbidden from working, shaving, bathing for pleasure, wearing leather shoes, having sex or cleaning their clothes during shiva. They are also supposed to refrain from pleasurable activities like listening to music, watching movies or other entertainment, or going to parties or other festive gatherings. According to some interpretations of Jewish law, mourners are not allowed to study Torah or other Jewish texts during shiva, except for texts pertaining to mourning. However, in many Sephardic communities, it is customary to study the Zohar, a mystical commentary on the Torah, throughout the week.

How does one pay a shiva visit?

Ideally you should find out beforehand during which hours the mourners want visitors, and, when you arrive, not say anything to the mourner(s) until he or she begins the conversation. Be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.

Learn what NOT to say at a shiva. And find out 11 things you shouldn’t do at a shiva.

Bring food or, if possible, a full meal so the mourners won’t have to cook — but first check if the mourners keep kosher or have other dietary restrictions. Do not bring flowers, however. Upon leaving, it is customary to say, “May you be comforted from Heaven,” in the Sephardi tradition, or “May God console you together with everyone who mourns for Zion and Jerusalem,” in Ashkenazi tradition. Learn more about this phrase.

If you are comfortable doing so and are Jewish, you should participate in the shiva minyan so that the mourners will meet the prayer quorum of 10. (Be aware that if the mourners are Orthodox, only men will count in the minyan, but both men and women can still participate in the service.) Learn more about comforting mourners. Learn more about shiva etiquette.

What is the origin of shiva and other Jewish mourning practices?

According to the Talmud, the practice of sitting shiva is first alluded to early in the Torah, when Methuselah, the oldest man in the world, was mourned for seven days prior to the flood. Genesis 50:10 (in the Torah portion Vayechi) notes that Joseph “observed a mourning period of seven days” for his father, Jacob. Jewish mourning practices are discussed in the Talmud and clarified further in the Mishneh Torah, a compendium of Jewish law compiled by Maimonides in the 12th century, and the Yoreh De’ah section of the Shulchan Aruch, written by Joseph Caro in the 16th century.

How does shiva end?

The traditional end of shiva occurs on the seventh day of mourning (the sixth day after the funeral). The most common end-of-shiva practice today in many communities is for the mourner(s), on the morning of the last day of shiva, accompanied and even assisted by a friend or friends, to literally “get up from shiva.” The mourners rise from the low seat and confinement at home, and go for a walk around the block or its equivalent. In some communities, the friends recite the formula of consolation (“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem”) and then say to the mourner(s), “Arise.” According to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, Moroccan Jews end shiva with a spe­cial meal and study session, called a mishmara. Another mishmara, this time at the cemetery, takes place on the 30th day after burial.

At the end of shiva, mourners who, following traditional law, have not been wearing leather shoes now put on regular shoes, replace the torn clothing or torn cloth worn during shiva, and set out to encounter once again the world beyond the home. Learn more about ending shiva.

What happens after shiva?

The next phase of mourning is called sheloshim (pronounced shlo-SHEEM), Hebrew for 30, and it ends 30 days after burial. Sheloshim is less restrictive than shiva, however — mourners can go out, work and perform other everyday activities. Learn more about sheloshim. 

Learn about the full timeline of Jewish mourning. 

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Shiva: What You Need to Know appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Common Explanations for This Custom

Warning To Kohanim (Jewish Priests)

During the times of the Temple in Jerusalem, Jewish priests (kohanim) became ritually impure if they came within four feet of a corpse. As a result, Jews began marking graves with piles of rocks in order to indicate to passing kohanim that they should stay back.

To Keep the Soul in This World

The Talmud mentions that after a person dies her soul con­tinues to dwell for a while in the grave where she was buried. Putting stones on a grave keeps the soul down in this world, which some people find comforting. Another related interpretation suggests that the stones keep demons and golems from getting into the graves.

Stones Last Longer Than Flowers

Flowers, though beautiful, will eventually die. A stone will not die, and can symbolize the permanence of memory and legacy.

A Hebrew Pun

Rabbi Simkha Weintraub, rabbinic director of the New York Jewish Healing Center offered another traditional interpretation: “The Hebrew word for ‘pebble’ is tz’ror – and it happens that this Hebrew word also means ‘bond.’ When we pray the memorial El Maleh Rahamim prayer (and at other times) we ask that the deceased be ‘bound up in the bond of life’ – tz’ror haHayyim.  By placing the stone, we show that we have been there, and that the individual’s memory continues to live on in and through us.”

Many people take special care in choosing a stone to put on the grave of a loved one. It may be a stone from a place that was significant to the deceased, a stone that was chosen at an event during which the deceased was especially missed, or simply an interesting or attractive rock. Because there is no commandment to fulfill here, placing a stone on a grave is an opportunity for you to create your own ritual, or do things in the way that feels most meaningful to you.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis. 

The post Why Do Jews Put Stones on Graves? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

When Is the Funeral Held?

The burial should take place as soon as possible. The biblical injunction is to bury on the same day as the death. The rabbis of the Talmud considered a speedy burial to be among the most important ways to honor the deceased. They believed that final atonement depended in part on the body returning to the dust of the earth and did not want the process delayed. By the time of the Middle Ages, since embalming was forbidden, it became a matter of hygiene and public safety that the body be buried expeditiously.

Yet, today it is difficult to hold a funeral on the day of the death itself. Proper preparation for burial and the need to notify the community require the funeral be held the day after death at the earliest. In addition, further delays are allowed in the following special cases:

1.      When close relatives must travel long distances to attend the funeral. As the Jewish community has become more and more mobile, families have scattered all over the continent, indeed the globe. Even though airplanes can bring together families in a matter of hours, the funeral may have to be delayed a day or two to allow for such travel.

2.      When Shabbat [Sabbath], the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and the yom tov [holiday] days of the pilgrimage festivals of Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot occur.

3.      When a suitable casket or shrouds are not available.

4.      When civil authorities require unavoidable postmortems, documentation, etc.

Funerals are almost always held in daylight hours (although in Jerusalem, burials do take place at night). Times are chosen that are convenient for the family and for a maximum number of friends to attend. Preferred times seem to be near the lunch hour and late afternoon.

Where Is the Funeral Held?

The place of the funeral varies according to the custom of the local community. Here are the options:

1.      The home. It is possible to have the service in a home, but very few people do this today.

2.      A funeral home. Many communities have a Jewish funeral home that houses the mortuary and a chapel for services.

3.      A synagogue. In some communities, the service begins in the synagogue sanctuary or chapel, and then proceeds to the cemetery. However, some congregations do not allow these services in the sanctuary, unless the deceased is an outstanding member of the community.

4.      The cemetery. In the larger Jewish communities, the cemetery will usually have a chapel for services on site.

5.      At graveside. In some ways the simplest of alternatives, it is absolutely appropriate to conduct the entire service at graveside. Of course, season and likely weather should be taken into consideration when choosing this option. Often, the cemetery will have some tenting for the immediate family, but usually not enough for the entire funeral party.

Is There a Standard Funeral?

Surprisingly, the answer is “No.” There is not a single standard for the service, although there are the following basic components:

1.  Readings. Generally, a funeral begins with several readings about death from Jewish sources. Psalm 23 with its famous verses, “Adonai is my Shepherd, I shall not want. God has me lie down in green pastures… God revives my soul for the sake of God’s glory… Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no harm, for You are with me… ”

Psalms 15, 24, 90, and 103 are also often recited. At the funeral of a woman, the Eshet Hayil [Woman of Valor] (Proverbs 31) is sometimes included. These readings offer comfort and reflection about the deceased and the survivors.

2.  The eulogy. The eulogy (hesped) is designed to recall the life, characteristics, and accomplishments of the deceased. Most often, it is offered by a rabbi who has been furnished information about the deceased in an earlier meeting with the bereaved. This is seen as a sign of respect and an honor to the deceased and the family. Yet, increasingly, members of the family request the opportunity to speak about the life of the departed. These personal eulogies are often delivered with great emotion and with a degree of insight that is difficult for a third party to achieve. In every case we know of, a eulogy offered by an adult child for a parent, or a brother for a sister, or even a grandchild for a grandparent has been a source of great comfort and honor for the mourners and a tremendously moving experience for the listeners. Some rabbis will welcome this contribution to the funeral (as long as not too many people want to speak), while others would prefer that personal eulogies be given at a shiva minyan [a home prayer service where mourners are able to say Kaddish, the memorial prayer].

3.  The memorial prayer—El Male Rachamim [God, full of mercy]. Among the most well known prayers in Jewish liturgy, the El Male asks God to grant perfect peace to the departed and to remember the many righteous deeds s/he performed. “May this soul be bound up in the bond of life (b’tzror hachayim) and may s/he rest in peace.” The cantor normally chants this memorial prayer in a plaintive, mournful voice.

Moving to the Grave Site

Generally, this concludes the formal service held in a synagogue or chapel and the funeral party moves to the grave site.

It is a great honor to be named a pallbearer. Generally, the honor is offered to close relatives and friends. The coffin is actually carried by hand or guided on a special gurney to the grave site by the pallbearers who, traditionally, pause several (usually three or seven) times before reaching the grave. This indicates our unwillingness to finally take leave of the loved one. The rabbi or cantor recites verses from Psalm 91 expressing confidence that God watches over us at each of these stops. It is considered an important responsibility of the community to follow the casket for at least a few steps on the way to the grave.

At the grave site, the final steps of the funeral ritual are performed. The mourners take their places by sitting in a row of chairs placed before the grave. If kriah, the rending of garments, has not taken place before the earlier service, the mourners stand and it is now done by the rabbi. The cantor may chant another psalm, and the rabbi often offers another reading from Psalm 91. Then, in traditional burial, the casket is lowered by hand or mechanical device, and the rabbi says in Hebrew, “May s/he go to her or his resting place in peace.” Some rabbis will also say the traditional prayer Tzidduk Hadin, justification of the divine decree, which acknowledges acceptance of the inevitability of death.

The climax of the service is when the mourners are asked to rise and recite the Mourner’s Kaddish (sometimes a [modified] version… is said), the ancient prayer which reaffirms our belief in the greatness of God. Then, mourners and those in attendance are invited to fill the grave with earth. Since this practice is not universally observed, the rabbi usually explains what is about to happen and the reasons why the community fulfills this ultimate mitzvah of burying the dead.

When the mourners are ready to leave the cemetery, two parallel rows are formed by the participants, creating an aisle for the bereaved to pass through on their way from the grave site. As the mourners walk through this corridor of consolation, the community offers the traditional prayer of condolence, “HaMakom y’nachem etkhem b’tokh sh’ar aveilei Tzion v’Yrushalayim“–“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” It is customary to wash the hands upon leaving the cemetery.

Two customs associated with filling the grave are 1) to use the convex side of the shovel and 2) not to pass the shovel hand to hand, but to replace it in the earth for the next participant, “lest death be contagious.”

Another interesting custom is to ask the deceased for forgiveness for any hurt one might have caused her/him. Some also pluck grass from the ground, which they throw behind them as a sign of their renewed awareness of human mortality.

Reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights).

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Kriah is an ancient tradition. When the patriarch Jacob believed his son Joseph was dead, he tore his garments (Genesis 37:34). Likewise, in II Samuel 1:11 we are told that King David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and rent them upon hearing of the death of Saul and Jonathan. Job, too, in grieving for his children, stood up and rent his clothes (Job 1:20).

Kriah is performed by the child, parent, spouse and sibling of the deceased. It is usually done at the funeral home before the funeral service begins. If a black ribbon is used, it is provided by the funeral director. Kriah is always performed standing. The act of standing shows strength at a time of grief. A cut is made on the left side of the clothing for parents — over the heart — and on the right side for all other relatives. Sometimes people choose to express deep feelings of grief by cutting on the left side for relatives other than their parents.

As the tear or cut is made, the family recites the following blessing:

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha’olam dayan ha’emet.

Blessed are You, Adonai Our God, Ruler of the Universe, the True Judge.

The torn garment or ribbon is worn during the seven days of shiva (but not on Shabbat and festival days). Some people continue the practice for the 30-day period of mourning [sheloshim].

Reprinted with permission from The Jewish Mourner’s Handbook (Behrman House), by an editorial committee chaired by Rabbi William Cutter.

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A eulogy, known as a “hesped” in Hebrew, is a speech given in honor of the deceased, which is usually said at their funeral or burial. These speeches may occur throughout the first year of one’s passing, in which case it is often referred to as an “azkarah” which means “remembrance.”

Eulogizing the deceased is an important ancient Jewish custom, dating all the way back to the patriarch Abraham, who eulogized his wife Sarah, “Abraham came to eulogize Sarah and to cry for her” (Genesis 23:2). From this verse, Jewish tradition has understood two goals of the eulogy:

1. Eulogize (“Hesped”): Praise for the worthy qualities and achievements of the deceased.
2. Lament (“Bekhi): Arouse the emotions, and a sense of grief and loss, in the listeners.

Judaism takes very seriously the obligation to eulogize the deceased appropriately. The Bible tells us that the Jewish people were punished with famine for not giving King Saul a sufficiently respectful eulogy (Samuel II, 21:1). Indeed, in Talmudic times it was customary to pay a large sum to hire expressive eulogists and wailers for funerals.

Jewish law emphasizes that eulogies should be both truthful and praiseworthy. One should not lie about the qualities of the deceased or make obvious exaggerations, but it is proper to enhance their positive attributes (Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 344:1). Indeed, as commentaries on the Code of Jewish Law (such as the Bach and the Taz) have opined, it is better to slightly overestimate the positive sides of the deceased than to underestimate them. The rationale they give for this is that, since people often conceal many of their qualities, even those eulogizing the individual may be unaware of them. In addition, at this emotionally charged time, it is best to maintain peace and the dignity of the deceased and their family. Indeed, all people are worthy of being praised and eulogized in some positive manner, and, as a rabbi who has officiated at a number of funerals, I have found that there is something good that can be said about everyone.

When composing a eulogy, the goal is to praise the deceased, evoke an emotional reaction from the listeners, inspire listeners to improve their own lives by finding the qualities mentioned within themselves, and to consider their own legacies. While funerals often have a religious tone, the goal of a Jewish eulogy is not to evangelize, but to honor the deceased, while also tending to comforting the mourners and enabling them to cope with their loss. One should thus be sensitive to the specific needs of the mourners and, if appropriate, offer support and some guidance on facing the existential questions that may rise at this time.

Who Is the Eulogy For?

The Talmud (Sanhedrin 46b) debates if the purpose of a eulogy is to honor the deceased (either by elevating his or her status in the eyes of the mourners or by actually comforting his or her soul, who we believe is listening to the eulogy), or if it is intended for the benefit of the mourners. While the eulogy should serve both purposes, Jewish law prioritizes the deceased, and thus if he or she had requested not to be eulogized, that preference should be respected. That notwithstanding, eulogies can be very meaningful for mourners, providing comfort, putting their own lives in perspective, reminding them of the good qualities of the deceased, and facilitating a recognition of the finality and enormity of their loss.

Who Should Deliver the Eulogy?

Anyone who is aware of positive attributes of the deceased can deliver a eulogy, or share their insights with the person who will be doing so. Often the rabbi who conducts a funeral will deliver a eulogy. It is beneficial to have a rabbi officiate, because they will be aware of the various customs that arise, and has the professional experience to be able to calmly and sensitively guide the family through such an emotional and stressful time. If the rabbi didn’t know the deceased, it is ideal for as many close friends and family members as possible to meet with them to share stories about the deceased with as much detail as possible. It can be beneficial to coordinate with the rabbi who will be speaking, what aspects of the deceased’s life they will be covering, and if they are open to guests sharing extemporaneous eulogies.

Can a Eulogy Be Given Extemporaneously?

Even if one is an experienced public speaker, the pressure and emotions associated with delivering eulogies can make them challenging. It is thus best to prepare in advance and to either speak from notes or read a fully written speech. If it is too difficult for you to deliver the eulogy yourself, it is perfectly acceptable to share your notes with someone else who can read it on your behalf, or to share some insights or memories with the officiating rabbi.

Some mourners are not sure who might want to share some thoughts at the funeral and thus open it up for anyone in attendance to speak. This is acceptable if it is what the family prefers, but I have found that it sometimes gets out of hand and there may be people who would not have otherwise been asked to speak or who say inappropriate things. I thus generally encourage people to share their thoughts on another occasion, rather than opening it up for anyone to speak at the funeral, but it is a matter of personal preference for the family.

What Should the Eulogy Include?

Some of the themes to cover in a eulogy include the deceased’s life story, legacy, accomplishments, values, positive and unique character traits, love of family and friends, and devotion to community and Judaism. While interviewing family and friends to learn about the deceased, it is important to ask open-ended questions, and allow them to talk at length, while listening carefully and taking notes. Some good questions to ask include:

• “Tell me about their family of origin and childhood.”
• “How did they meet their spouse?”
• “Tell me about him or her as a spouse/friend/parent/child etc.”
• “Tell me about his or her hobbies/interests/education/occupation/Jewish connection or synagogue life/community involvement or volunteering/distinguishing characteristics.”

It is also important to get a complete list of immediate relatives so that nobody is left out if names are mentioned. When delivering a eulogy one should be very careful not to reveal details that might be embarrassing to the deceased or their family. This can include private statements that were made to you but were not intended for the public to be aware of; details of previous marriages or relationships; improper or illegal activities, etc. A good rule of thumb is directly ask family members before sharing information that you are not absolutely sure they would be comfortable with. The tone of a eulogy should be serious and respectful, though when appropriate some gentle humor can be acceptable and sometimes even comforting.

How Long Should a Eulogy Be?

It is important to keep eulogies relatively brief. As a rule of thumb I generally try to keep eulogies well under 10 minutes, especially if there will be many speakers, or if the eulogies will be delivered at graveside, in which case people may be standing and/or in poor weather.

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The post How to Give a Jewish Eulogy (Hesped) appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Find the text in Aramaic, transliteration and English translation here.

For whom does one say the Kaddish?How frequently do Jewish mourners recite the Kaddish?For how long does a mourner say the Kaddish?When did Jews begin reciting the Kaddish?Why was this prayer designated by Jewish law to memorialize the dead?Can women say the Kaddish?Is there any reason to say the Kaddish if one is not religious?Are there any alternative rituals for people who are unable to make it to services to say Kaddish?What is it like to say Kaddish?Listen to the Kaddish

For whom does one say the Kaddish?

Traditionally, Jewish men are required to recite the Kaddish for a deceased parent, spouse, sibling or child. However, many women recite the Kaddish as well, and it is also permissible to do so for loved ones who are not parents, spouses, siblings or children.

How frequently do Jewish mourners recite the Kaddish?

Traditionally Jews recite Kaddish three times a day at the daily morning, afternoon and evening prayer services. However, Jews who say Kaddish have a range of practices — some people go to services daily to recite Kaddish, while others do so only on Shabbat. In some Reform congregations, the Kaddish is said even when a minyan is not present.

For how long does a mourner say the Kaddish?

Traditionally, Jews are required to say the Kaddish for 30 days after burial for a child, spouse or sibling, and for 11 months after burial for a parent. From then on, one recites Kaddish on a loved one’s yahrzeit (the Hebrew anniversary of their death) and at Yizkor (memorial) services.

When did Jews begin reciting the Kaddish?

This tradition dates back to the Talmud. The prayer was written in Aramaic, because it was the vernacular — the language spoken by most Jews at the time. In Nihum Aveilim: A Guide for the Comforter, Rabbi Stuart Kelman and Dan Fendel write that the prayer originally had nothing to do with mourning. Instead, it “was originally a call for the coming of God’s ultimate reign on earth” and was often said following a study session or sermon, and came to be known as the Rabbi’s Kaddish.

The Mourner’s Kaddish was originally known as the Orphan’s Kaddish and was said only by children for their parents, but now encompasses other mourners. There are also other forms of the Kaddish used in the daily prayers as well as a at funerals.

Why was this prayer designated by Jewish law to memorialize the dead?

There are many different theories, but no definitive answer. In Jewish Literacy, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin suggests that “Most likely, people believed that the finest way to honor the dead was to recite the Kaddish, thereby testifying that the deceased person left behind worthy descendants, people who attend prayer services daily and proclaim there their ongoing loyalty to God.”

Kelman and Fendel note that the “positive, affirming and hopeful nature of the text is in contradiction to the often negative, even depressed, outlook of a mourner, which is part of why recitation is so important.”

Since Judaism focuses on life, the tradition often sees death as a lessening of God’s presence in the world. The Kaddish prayer, as Rabbi Elie Kaunfer explains, asks for God’s presence to be made great in the world in the wake of grief and loss.

Can women say the Kaddish?

Outside of Orthodox Judaism, the answer is yes. In the Orthodox world, the issue is more complicated, with some communities supportive of women reciting the Kaddish and others objecting to it.

Learn more about women and Kaddish here. 

Is there any reason to say the Kaddish if one is not religious?

Telushkin notes that reciting the Kaddish is psychologically beneficial because it gets mourners to go out in public and join a community. “After the death of a loved one, a person might well wish to stay home alone, or with a few family members, and brood. But saying Kaddish forces a mourner to join with others,” he writes.

Kelman and Fendel note: “Often, it is very difficult to know what to say to a mourner, and yet when the minyan responds with the appropriate words (at the same time that the mourner is standing), it is as if those words and the voices of those present offer comfort, since the mourner senses the presence of everyone around him or her.”

Saying Kaddish also can provide much-needed routine and structure in a life that has been upended by loss, and participating in a ritual Jews have been practicing for centuries gives one a feeling of being part of something larger.

Reciting Kaddish for a parent “gives the son or daughter an opportunity to receive communal sympathy for this entire time and even to channel his or her own bereftness into positive action,” writes Rabbi Judith Hauptman. “The need to attend services regularly often gives a new focus to the mourning child and fills a void left by the death of the parent, the community’s attention substituting in a certain way for parental attention no longer available to him or her.”

Are there any alternative rituals for people who are unable to make it to services to say Kaddish?

Rabbi Hauptman suggests reading a chapter from the Torah or the Prophets or studying a passage from the Mishnah or Talmud.

Some people also find Jewish meditation helpful during the mourning period.

You also may enjoy this alternative version of the Mourner’s Kaddish set to the tune of Adele’s “Hello”:

What is it like to say Kaddish?

Below are some personal essays and memoirs about saying Kaddish:
Lessons I Learned from Reciting Kaddish for Mom

Mayim Bialik on Mourning Her Father

This Is Kaddish 

Mournings and Mournings: A Kaddish Journal (E.M. Broner)

Living a Year of Kaddish: A Memoir (Ari Goldman)

Kaddish (Leon Wieseltier)

Listen to the Mourner’s Kaddish (via Mechon Hadar)

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post The Mourner’s Kaddish: A Memorial Prayer in Praise of God appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

History and Development

Many practices surrounding death that continue to this day–such as tearing one’s clothes, burial, and mourning the deceased–find their origins in the biblical text. There is both a remarkable consistency and fascinating differences in Jewish burial and mourning practices around the world.

Dying

Long before death, one may write an “ethical” will, recording values and guidance for one’s descendants. Individuals who may be dying are encouraged to recite the traditional deathbed viddui,or confession of sins.

Before the Funeral

Until the burial, a person who hears of the death of a first-degree relative (a parent, spouse, sibling, or child) is an onen (literally “someone in between”). Traditionally, the enigmatic yet powerful phrase “baruch dayan ha-emet” (“blessed is the judge of Truth”) is uttered upon hearing the news, and a garment is torn. The body is prepared for burial with great care by the hevra kaddisha (the sacred burial society), including ritual purification (tahora), and dressing the body in shrouds (tachrichim).

Funeral and Burial

Mourners are greeted by those attending the funeral, and tearing (kriah) of a garment or ribbon is repeated. The funeral has a small number of fixed liturgical elements, including the short prayer El Maleh Rachamim (“God full of compassion”), and usually includes psalms and a hesped, or eulogy. The service may take place in a funeral home, in a synagogue, or at the graveside. The burial is framed by other liturgical elements, including the recitation of a special version of the Kaddish prayer, often thought of as the “mourner’s prayer.” Mourners and others participate in covering the casket with dirt. Mourners leave the graveside first, and others say to them the traditional words, “May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

The Mourning Period

The Mourning period is successively less intense; many Jews and non-Jews view the Jewish process of mourning as psychologically wise. Its traditional elements are: shiva, seven days during which mourners are visited at home by family and community, and participate in prayer services held at home; sheloshim, the first 30 days of mourning, during which mourners return to their normal routine but refrain from many customary pleasurable activities; and, for those who have lost a parent, 11 months of aveilut (mourning), during which Kaddish is recited daily.

A tombstone may be erected or uncovered at any time; an “unveiling” is often done a year after the death. The anniversary of death, or yahrzeit, is observed each year, and the deceased is remembered four times annually during Yizkor services.

In Practice

Jewish funerals often take place almost immediately after a death. Outside of Israel, it is not customary to send flowers, but charitable donations are a common and meaningful practice. A person paying a “shiva call” on a bereaved individual or family can easily learn the basic customs of this unusual yet comforting visit.

Issues

Suicide is forbidden in Jewish law; an individual who takes his or her own life is usually presumed to have been suffering from mental illness. Traditionally, cremation is forbidden because of the sanctity of the human body; similarly, autopsies are, with some exceptions, traditionally not permitted. Organ donation is permitted in order to save another individual’s life. Law and custom mandate special cemeteries for Jews, but many contemporary Jewish cemeteries will arrange to bury non-Jewish spouses. Many converts to Judaism follow traditional mourning practices  (including saying Kaddish) for their non-Jewish family members. And while Jewish tradition frowns on things which can be construed as mutilation of one’s body, like tattoos and body piercing, none of these things represent a barrier to burial in even the most traditionally-run cemetery.

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The post Jewish Death and Mourning 101 appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The wisdom in these words is essentially this: We need to be present in the moment we are in — be it at a wedding or a funeral. This can be difficult, especially when it requires us to feel the pain, sorrow and emptiness that can accompany the death of someone we love. But acknowledging and experiencing our genuine emotions in the moment is not only psychologically and spiritually beneficial to our grieving process, it also honors those whom we are mourning. Judaism recognizes this.

The Jewish laws around mourning come from a poignant and tragic event in the Torah. Aaron, the head priest who is in the middle of inaugurating and celebrating God’s Tabernacle in the desert, suddenly loses two of his sons, Nadav and Avihu. The sons have offered a burnt sacrifice before the Lord with “a strange fire which [God] had not commanded them.” In so doing, Nadav and Avihu are consumed by a fire from God and are killed.

Our tradition includes much discussion as to why this happened, with some commentaries viewing their deaths as a punishment and others as a reward. The story can be read in full in Parashat Shemini (Leviticus 9:1–11:47). But how Aaron, our spiritual leader, responds to this loss becomes instructive for how we as a Jewish people mourn going forward.

All at once, Aaron has to handle an impossible situation, in which he is straddling his responsibilities of leading the Jewish people and his personal emotional reality of mourning his sons. The text tells us that Aaron completes the sacrifices, but he does not eat from the sin offering. Moses expresses concern, worried that this will invalidate the offering. Aaron responds, “Were I to partake of a sin offering today, would it find favor in God’s eyes?” (Leviticus 10:20).

From this story, Judaism requires that we honor and respect our grief in the moment. For if the head priest managed to authentically mourn the tragic loss of his children in the midst of his service of God, we must do the same when our loved ones die.

There is profound wisdom in Aaron’s story being the foundational text for the laws of mourning. It embodies a tension with which we all struggle, but which we often do not talk about: How do we mourn and also keep living? How do we celebrate life for years to come without a beloved parent or child, spouse or friend?

Judaism answers with a balance. Initially, we remove ourselves from societal norms so we can be present with our loss — recognizing that life is forever altered. But after a year of removing oneself from normalcy to honor a parent (or after a month to honor another close relative), Jewish law propels us to move forward. Maimonides codifies this sentiment in his Mishneh Torah: “A person should not become excessively broken-hearted because of a person’s death.” (Mishneh Torah Hilchot Aveilut 13:11).

Like Aaron, we are commanded to mourn, authentically — eit livkot, eit s’fod — and still continue in our service of God. I think of a son or daughter who mourns a parent and also cares for his or her newborn baby; so often life demands the impossible of us, and we wonder how we can keep going. We face the challenge of finding a balance that allows us to live honestly in each eit, each moment.

Thankfully, we are not alone in the endeavor to be present. Aaron joins us and guides us, as do our loved ones whom we honor and remember. This is the message of our verse from Ecclesiastes. There is a time to cry and a time to laugh, and our job is to make sure that we are not only present for both, but that we do not allow one to overshadow the other. Because in us, our lost loved ones live on.

Alissa Thomas-Newborn is a member of the spiritual leadership at B’nai David-Judea Congregation in Los Angeles. She graduated from Brandeis University and received her ordination from Yeshivat Maharat. She is also a board certified chaplain through Neshama: Association of Jewish Chaplains, with specialties in psychiatric care, palliative care, and end of life are.

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The post Finding Balance Between Mourning and Living appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

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Our world lost light without my father-in-law. My wife, Talia, was shattered.

At first, the early Jewish rituals created some order for mourning. But as our pain did not end with the seven days of shiva, or the 30 days of shloshim, we needed to create a way to continue to mourn, and to find support, after those milestones had passed.

There was no daily prayer service in our area where my wife felt comfortable saying the Mourner’s Kaddish, as is traditional during the year following the death of a parent. Instead of her getting in the car each day to drive to the religious part of town, I suggested that we create a minyan of our own. And for a year, every Tuesday night, we welcomed friends, and sometimes mourners, looking for a place to pray, into our home. My wife led a prayer service for her father, shared reflections on loss and mourning, and then we broke bread.

The ritual was incredibly healing for us during a year when we were in desperate need of healing. Months after Nachum’s death, we lost my grandmother, and then Talia’s grandmother.

We were also witnessing changes in our country that impacted my wife directly: She is an immigration attorney and, while she had already spent countless days with clients trapped in detention, the new administration targeted the people she represents in new and terrifying ways.

Even as Talia returned to work at a feverish rate, there was a designated time each week to stop and reflect on her father, to feel the pain of his absence, and to connect with others in a very real way about topics we usually ignore. Generally, we gathered in our living room, but during the summer we sat outside and prayed as the stars appeared. In our Los Angeles neighborhood, once known as Red Hill for its critical mass of Communist residents, we followed my wife’s lead chanting the ancient songs.

Some of the people who joined us had also lost loved ones. Our mothers said Kaddish for their mothers. An Israeli couple we had recently met became among the most consistent minyan makers. We learned that both of them had also lost their fathers, and that this gathering provided an outlet to reflect on their losses like never before. It also was an opportunity to experiment with ritual different for both of them: The husband had grown up Orthodox, the wife secular.

Read More: The Best Foods to Bring to a Shiva

Others came simply to support us, and to connect with each other. Neighbors became friends. There was even a couple that met at of our Kaddish minyan. A year later, they are looking to move in together.

When, after a nearly year, we discovered that the time was up for Talia to say Kaddish, we ended our minyan, albeit reluctantly. It had become the most important ritual of our week. But it also was time for us to switch our focus from death to new life. Talia gave birth to twins weeks after the final Kaddish minyan. Our son is named Aviv Nachum after his saba. Our daughter Alma Pearl after her great-grandmothers.

Here’s how we created our Kaddish minyan, and steps to create your own.

1) We sought out the Jews in our area.

Our minyan count — that is, 10 Jews — was not strictly halachic. We weren’t opposed to non-Jews joining, but we wanted to make sure that Talia was not praying alone. We had ties to a local synagogue, a Jewish organization, and we had a circle of friends — all of whom received an email from us asking if anyone wanted to join us for a minyan (or many).

2) We created a Google sign-up sheet which we sent out weekly.

We did not always get to 10 on the sign-up sheet. Then we had to do some personalized emails and texts, entreating friends to show up. A few times we came up short, but generally we were able to hit 10. A few times we had almost 20.

3) We prayed.

My wife knows how to lead prayers. I do not. She led a brief, beautiful Maariv (evening) service. Only a couple other people who came regularly could have done that. The rest of us learned a bit and followed along with prayer books the cemetery provided to us at the funeral. But I do not think you need to know how to lead prayers to hold a Kaddish minyan at your home. You could select one prayer, say the Sh’ma and the Mourner’s Kaddish. And if those do not work for you, you could create a short service of your own; it need not be in Hebrew.

4) We took a break to reflect.

In the middle of the service, my wife would pause and share a reading or thought. Toward the beginning of us doing these services, most of the reflections were drawn from reading she was doing about death and mourning rituals in Jewish tradition. She also wanted a chance to process and share stories about her father. My favorites of these were when after she would share her feelings about death, others in attendance would be moved to share about their own losses. Yes, it sometimes functioned a bit like a support group.

5) We included food (this is a Jewish ritual, after all).

This was not a shiva, but usually a few people in the group would bring something to share. We also would put out a simple, but inviting spread. For weeks, I made hummus, my Israeli father-in-law’s signature dish, and toasted lavash bread with olive oil and za’atar. One friend regularly brought samosas. Another brought home-baked bread. I think what also brought people back to our home, week after week, was that this was also a celebration of connection and friendship, even if we wished we had no reason to gather in the first place. My father-in-law would have approved.

(Daniela Gerson is an assistant professor of journalism at California State University, Northridge. She specializes in covering immigrant communities and participatory media, and is also a senior fellow at the Democracy Fund. Her first journalism job was with the Jewish Student Press Service.)

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post How To Create Your Own At-Home Kaddish Minyan appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Note: We have not included details about cremation, as it is not a traditional Jewish practice. However, many American Jewish families opt for cremation, and most funeral homes can assist with making cremation arrangements. Learn more about Jewish views on cremation here.

Did we forget anything? Let us know in the comments below, or email us at community@myjewishlearning.com.

Burial Arrangements

• Contact a chevra kadisha (Jewish burial society) and/or Jewish funeral home. If there is no local organization of this type, contact other local Jewish families, the closest synagogue or the nearest Jewish federation.
• If the departed person has a pre-arranged burial and funeral plan, find the necessary information.
• If the deceased owned a tallit (prayer shawl), decide if they should be buried with it. (It may also be kept as a family heirloom.)

Sharing the Sadness

• Inform—in person, if possible — the closest family members. For out-of-town members of the immediate family, do your best to make sure that the person being called is not alone or in an inappropriate location to receive the sad news of their loved one’s death. (For example, one should not notify a sibling that their sister has died while he or she is on their cell phone and driving.)
• Make a list of people who should be contacted regarding the death. Include family members, friends, employers (of both the deceased and of family members), co-workers, community members and neighbors.
• Delegate family members and friends for making phone calls.

Funeral Service

• Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of the mourners.
• Decide who will conduct the funeral service.
• Consult with the service officiant regarding the eulogy and the participation of family members and friends.
• Estimate the number of funeral attendees.
• Consult with the funeral home and/or cemetery regarding service locations for both the eulogy and burial. Decide if a chapel and/or graveside service will suit family needs.
• Appoint pallbearers (who will carry the coffin part or all of the way to the burial site). If there are individuals who may be unable physically to handle this task, you may designate them as “honorary” pallbearers.
• Arrange for transportation to and from the ceremony for mourners and other family members.  This is often done through the funeral home.
• Some mourners may wish to practice reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish prayer.
• If mourners would like to rip a garment (usually a shirt or sweater) for kriah, then they should wear that article to the funeral (with appropriate garments underneath, for the sake of modesty).
• If children are to attend the funeral, arrange to seat them with a babysitter or other responsible adult who will not mind leaving the service if the children are restless or upset.

Seudat Havra’ah (“Meal of Consolation“)

• If the family will be observing this custom, members of the extended family or friends — but not the immediate mourners — should make arrangements for a light meal.
• Give out directions to the family home at the funeral.
• Place a pitcher of water, a basin and towel outside the front door, to be used by funeral returnees before they enter the home. (This may also be done outside the cemetery.)
• Prepare hard-boiled eggs for eating during the meal. These eggs symbolize the cyclical nature of life.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Jewish Funeral Planning Checklist appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Funerals are usually arranged by families in consultation with a funeral home and/or chevra kadisha and a rabbi, as well as a cemetery. In some places, the chevra kadisha, funeral home and Jewish cemetery may be seamlessly integrated; even when this is not the case, the three organizations generally communicate well with one another but should be notified of which organizations are being used.

Learning these details (particularly, before they are necessary) can make this painful time less confusing. The traditional time frame for a Jewish burial is quite brief. In North America, burial usually occurs within about three days of the death. It is helpful for mourners know what to expect from centuries-old Jewish burial and mourning practices. Learn more about the Timeline of Jewish Mourning here and get answers to Frequently Asked Questions About Jewish Death and Mourning.

Contact a Chevra Kadisha and/or Funeral Home

When a Jewish person passes away, the first task is to inform either a funeral home or the chevra kadisha. A chevra kadisha is a Jewish burial society; it will quickly send representatives to gather the body. A hospital, care facility, synagogue, funeral home or rabbi should be able to help you contact a chevra kadisha if you wish to use one. Learn more Jewish death and mourning terms here.

A chevra kadisha and a funeral home are both mortuaries, groups that prepares the body for burial. A cemetery, by contrast, is the place where the body is buried. Sometimes the mortuary is part of the cemetery, in which case one needs only to contact the cemetery. However, sometimes people choose to use a chevra kadisha that is separate from the cemetery (either because it is more traditional, cheaper or for other reasons), in which case the chevra kadisha should be contacted first. In either case, the process moves more smoothly if arrangements have been made in advance, but either way it can all be handled in a timely manner.

A representative of the chevra kadisha may ask if there is someone available to stay with the body until they arrive. That is because in the Jewish tradition, a dead person should not be left alone until their burial. A shomer, or guard, will watch over the body, often while reciting psalms. Although a family member may be willing to serve this role, it is not necessary that the shomer (or shomeret, if a woman) know the deceased person (though it is often considered best if they are Jewish and can recite prayers or psalms). Once the chevra kadisha or mortuary picks the body up, they can provide someone to do this task.

Most often, the chevra kadisha or funeral home will arrange for transporting the body of the deceased. Depending on the local situation, the chevra kadisha will either conduct its work at its own facility or at a separate funeral home. Trained volunteer members of the chevra kadisha bathe and dress the body with extreme care and respect (this is called a Tahara). A traditional burial also includes dressing the body in a plain white shroud (known as Tachrichim) and placing it in an untreated simple wooden coffin. Other than the shroud, the only item traditionally buried along with the dead person is a tallit (prayer shawl) with one of its corner fringes cut. With some chevra kadishas the tallit is provided and cut automatically; with others it must be requested and paid extra for. Learn more about Tahara here.

Larger Jewish communities may have separate burial societies for each synagogue or Jewish denomination (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox). In such a situation, each chevra kadisha will have a slightly different approach to the laws and customs connected to body preparation and burial. For example, one chevra kadisha may allow the body to be dressed in clothing rather than a simple shroud. Choose the organization that best matches your family’s preferences.

There may not be a burial society in your hometown. In some areas, there may be a set protocol by which Jewish funerals are arranged, even if there is no official burial society or Jewish funeral home. Jewish burials in such areas may be arranged by local Jewish families, sometimes through a synagogue. In other places, it may be best to call the closest synagogue or Jewish federation — whether it is in the nearest major city or a neighboring state.

Find a Burial Plot or Make Other Arrangements for the Deceased

Jews are traditionally buried either in a specifically Jewish cemetery or in a part of a general community cemetery designated for Jewish use. Jews traditionally are not cremated. However, a number of Jewish families nonetheless opt for cremation, and many Jewish cemeteries, funeral homes and clergy members will work with them. Learn more about cremation here.

If it is necessary to choose a funeral plot, it is frequently best to consider if there is a cemetery that has been used for other family members. It may even be possible to find an available plot for the deceased near the graves of loved ones. Other considerations may include costs and proximity to living family members who may want to visit the grave occasionally. If the deceased or one of the mourners belongs to a synagogue, you may be able to purchase in the synagogue’s cemetery or cemetery section.

Find a Funeral Officiant

This officiant, usually a rabbi or cantor, does not need to be someone who knew the deceased person, although this is preferred by most families. Most often, the officiant is a rabbi who either leads a synagogue where the deceased person was a member or the synagogue of other family members. Funeral homes usually have a list of potential officiants who serve families that are not affiliated with a synagogue.

Usually, the rabbi (or other officiant) will lead the funeral prayers and deliver a eulogy. Learn more about Jewish eulogies here.

In order to prepare for these tasks, the officiant will generally meet with family members before the funeral, either in their own home or at the synagogue. The rabbi (or other officiant) will want family members to provide an accurate description of the deceased person and the lessons that may be learned from that person’s life. Also, family members will sometimes assist in the selection of readings for the service. It is crucial that the rabbi be contacted before the time of the funeral is set, to ensure that the rabbi will be available.

Arrange for a Traditional Meal (Meal of Consolation) after the Funeral

Many families, including some who are not observing shiva, welcome visitors at the family home after the funeral service for a traditional meal, called a “seudat havra’ah” (meal of consolation). This meal is the first food eaten by the family after the funeral and generally consists of simple, round foods, such as a hard-boiled egg, symbolizing the cycle of life. This meal is mostly intended for the mourners, who may feel too saddened to eat if left alone. The community is present to provide the food for the mourners, encourage them to take care of their own needs and usher mourners into a new stage in their lives. This is also a time in which mourners may light a large candle (usually provided by the funeral home), which will burn in the home for the next week.

In addition to that small meal for the mourners, some families hire a caterer to provide a meal while people gather at their home after the funeral. However, it is nice for extended family members, synagogue members, or friends to arrange the meal. Mourners should not have to arrange for the food, greet or entertain guests, but simply sit and reflect on their loved one, if they are up for it.

Plan the Shiva

Before the burial, priority should be given to arranging a respectful farewell to the departed loved one. Once these efforts are in place, attention should turn to the details of mourning. If mourners will be sitting shiva (i.e. observing the seven-day-long period of mourning in a family home), preparations must be made, usually with the help of a rabbi or synagogue members. (Some families may observe a three-day mourning period, some just one day, and others a full week.) This full week of withdrawal from daily concerns provides a chance for mourners to grieve together, exchange memories of the deceased loved one, and be comforted by each other and the community. Learn more about shiva here.

Funeral Checklist

Although the most vital tasks and decisions must be made by family members, an excellent way to deal with other tasks is to recruit as many friends and non-first-degree relatives (in-laws can be excellent for this) as possible to make phone calls, help transport out-of-town relatives, arrange food for the meal following the funeral, and assist with other needed errands.

Burial Arrangements

• Contact a chevra kadisha (burial society) and/or funeral home. If there is no local organization of this type, contact other local Jewish families, the closest synagogue, or Jewish Federation.
• If the departed person has a pre-arranged burial and funeral plan, find the necessary information.
• If the deceased owned a tallit (prayer shawl), decide if they should be buried with it. (It may also be kept as a family heirloom.)
• The displaying of flowers is generally discouraged at a Jewish funeral. Instead, choose an appropriate charity for people to make donations to in their memory.

Sharing the Sadness

• Inform–in person, if possible–the closest family members. For out-of-town members of the immediate family, do your best to make sure that the person being called is not alone or in an inappropriate location to receive the sad news of their loved one’s death. (For example, one should not notify a sibling that their sister has died while he or she is on their cell phone and driving.)
• Make a list of people who should be contacted regarding the death. Include family members, friends, employers (of both the deceased and of family members), co-workers, community members, and neighbors.
• Delegate family members and friends for making phone calls.

Funeral Service

• Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of the mourners.
• Decide who will conduct the funeral service.
• Consult with the service officiant regarding the eulogy and the participation of family members and friends.
• Estimate the number of funeral attendees.
• Consult with the funeral home and/or cemetery regarding service locations for both the eulogy and burial. Decide if a chapel and/or graveside service will suit family needs.
• Appoint pall-bearers (who will carry the coffin part or all of the way to the burial site). If there are individuals who may be unable to physically handle this task, you may designate them as “honorary” pall-bearers.
• Decide who will be asked to deliver eulogies and inform them.
• Prepare the eulogy one will deliver, if applicable.
• Arrange for transportation to and from the ceremony for mourners and other family members. This is often done through the funeral home.
• Some mourners may wish to practice reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish
• If mourners would like to rip a garment (usually a shirt or sweater) for kriah, then they should wear that article to the funeral (with appropriate garments underneath, for the sake of modesty).
• If children are to attend the funeral, arrange to seat them with a babysitter or other responsible adult who will not mind leaving the service if the children are restless or upset.
• Prepare a handout with the shiva information, to be passed out at the funeral, that includes the address of (and maybe directions to) the home where shiva will be observed, hours during which visitors will be welcomed, and the times of the services.

Seudat Havra’ah (“Meal of Consolation”)

• If the family will be observing this custom, the rabbi or members of the extended family or friends—but not the mourners—should make arrangements for a light meal.
• Give out directions to the family home at the funeral if that is the place the gathering will occur.
• Place a pitcher of water, a basin, and towel outside the front door, to be used by funeral returnees before they enter the home. (This may also be done outside the cemetery.)
• Prepare hard-boiled eggs for eating during the meal. These eggs symbolize the cyclical nature of life.

Shiva Checklist

• Notify employers of needs for family leave.
• Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of the mourners regarding the shiva, in order set a schedule of services, to assure 10 adults at services (if applicable), and to ask for assistance with other practical arrangements.
• Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends and extended family.
• Create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
• Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and people in the neighborhood.
• It can be helpful to have groceries and other necessary items delivered over the course of the week.
• If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services, and kippot (head-coverings) for guests.
• For mourners who wish to observe all the shiva traditions (such as covering the mirrors in the home), more information is available here.

Other To Do’s

• Post an obituary in the local and/or Jewish newspapers. Obituaries may be posted either before or after a funeral.
• Designate a charitable organization(s) to receive donations in the name of the lost loved one.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post How to Plan a Jewish Funeral appeared first on My Jewish Learning.