Her mission: Help people connect when they don’t know what to say. So, if you are looking for a card that says, “When people say it’s a marathon, not a sprint— I don’t think they get how much you hate running,” or “I wish I could take away your pain, or at least take away the people who compare it to the time their hamster died,” she’s got you covered.

Her witty takes on the awkward moments of sadness and grief ring true, but I am not sure they answer the question so many of us ask: What do I say?

What do I say to someone who has lost their spouse suddenly, and far too young? What do I say to someone who just buried a child? What do I say to someone whose parents no longer live in this world? What do I say when I see them on the street, at school pick-up, in the grocery store? And even more urgently, what do I say when I show up at their house for shiva?

On one level, there is an easy answer to that question. There are traditional phrases one says in a house of mourning. The first: Hamakom yinachem etchem b’toch she-ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim — May God comfort you amongst all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Or, if that feels like a mouthful, there’s the shorter (and perhaps more hopeful): Chaim aruchim — May you have a long life. And in Sephardic households, you might hear someone say: Min ha-shamayim tenachumu — May you be comforted from Heaven.

Yet, even with these phrases easily at hand, Judaism understands loss and mourning, especially in its early days, as murky and convoluted. Our tradition understands that it takes time to ease back into daily routines, to begin to look and feel and act like ourselves again.

The roadmap of Jewish grief is marked in increments — the hours or days before the burial comprise a liminal phase called aninut, when you are not your normal self, but you are not yet a mourner. There is shloshim, the 30 days after a loved one is buried, which offers mere glimpses of normalcy. There is shanah, traditionally reserved for those mourning a parent — an entire year, during which bereaved people get closer and closer to the lives they led before their loss (though some activities, like attending a wedding, party, or concert, remain forbidden).

And perhaps more than anything else, there is shiva. In the world in which I grew up, shiva often felt oddly festive, perhaps because until my late adolescence, I was lucky enough to attend shiva only for people who had died “in their season.” Even a grandparent dying too young is still a grandparent and such a death still fits into the basic scheme of life.

And so, there was food (mostly deli, and a lot of it) and drink (frequently seltzer) and there were some nods to traditional behaviors (the occasional covered mirror, the low stools provided by the funeral home). Visitors told stories — often poignant ones and funny ones —about the deceased; these vignettes were gifts of memory to those who were in deepest mourning.

All of this changed the first time I went to a very traditional shiva for a classmate, then in his early 20s, whose mother had just died. Walking into that home was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Rather than the hubbub of small talk, of offering refreshments, of those stories being told or performed, there was silence. The mourners sat on those low stools; visitors sat beside them without talking. The focus was on the mourner, not the deli platters. I felt as if I had landed on some alien Jewish planet.

Tradition teaches that comforters — those who come to the shiva house — are not permitted to say a word until the mourners themselves open the conversation. This tradition traces its origins to the Book of Leviticus 10:1-2.

And Nadav and Avihu, the sons of Aaron, took each of them his firepan, and put fire therein, and laid incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the Lord, which God had not commanded them. And there came forth fire from before the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord.

It is a sudden and shocking moment. Having just been given, at least metaphorically, the keys to the Sanctuary, Aaron (the High Priest) watches as his sons are consumed by flames. Reading it, each time, the shock remains visceral. Stranger still is what happens next.

Then Moses said unto Aaron: ‘This is it that the Lord spoke, saying: Through them that are nigh unto Me I will be sanctified, and before all the people I will be glorified.’ And Aaron was silent. (Leviticus 10:3)

Jewish sages have long tried to spin Aaron’s silence as a theological statement, as an attempt to gain praise from God. Rashi, the great commentator, suggests that Aaron was rewarded for his silence, given the gift of a personal address from God. About 800 years later, Rabbi Eliezer Lipman-Lichtenstein notes that this Torah portion uses a very particular word (va-yidom) for silence. Rather than just implying that Aaron did not speak or weep or moan or cry out, Rabbi Lipman-Lichtenstein suggests that the verb is meant to teach us that Aaron’s heart and soul were at peace; somehow, in this tragic moment, the saintly Aaron arrived a place of inner peace and calm.

Isaac ben Judah Abravanel, a medieval commentator, reads this text the way that I do: His heart turned to lifeless stone, and he did not weep and mourn like a bereaved father, nor did he accept Moses’ consolation, for his soul had left him and he was speechless.
So too, when the biblical Job was mourning his unfathomable losses (10 of his children), we read:

And they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great. After this, Job began to speak … (Job 2:12-13)

Because sometimes, there are no words. Sometimes, nothing that you can say, as heartfelt as it might be, is what a mourner needs to hear. Sometimes, the most powerful thing that we can do is bear witness to someone’s pain, to hold in our presence their silence. Based on these texts, Dr. Ron Wolfson, of American Jewish University, says that the essence of consoling the bereaved can be distilled to three actions: Be there, speak in silence and hear with a heart.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel teaches that there are three modes of mourning: silence, tears and song. The rules and traditions of Jewish mourning tell us that we — the comforters — do not get to set the mode and the tone. Grief ebbs and it flows. It can be melancholic and profound, it can be raucous and inappropriate, but whatever it is, it belongs to the mourner. It is the bereaved who can tell you if and what he needs to share, or when she wants to cry or laugh. If the mourner is too stunned to even form a coherent sentence, that’s OK, too. Your job, our job, is to be with them where they need to be. Not to coax, not to lead — just to be there.

(Rabbi Sari Laufer is the director of congregational engagement at Stephen Wise Temple in Los Angeles. A cum laude graduate of Northwestern University Rabbi Laufer was ordained by Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion, Los Angeles in May 2006. Prior to coming to Wise, Rabbi Laufer spent 11 years as the assistant and associate rabbi at Congregation Rodeph Sholom in New York City.)

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post When It’s OK To Say Nothing appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Traditionally, Jews are obligated to sit shiva when they have lost a parent, sibling, spouse or child. Jews today observe shiva in a variety of ways. While many people find comfort in observing all the traditional customs of shiva, others observe only some customs. Some people divide the week between multiple locations, often staying with — or traveling to — the homes of other family members who are mourning the same loved one. Other families sit shiva for fewer than seven days, or announce specific visiting hours each day, so they do not feel pressured to accept visitors all day long. While many mourning families host a shiva minyan each day, a prayer service in which they can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, not all do.

In addition, not all Jewish mourners choose to take all the traditional steps in preparing the home; for example, not everyone covers the mirrors in their home during the shiva period.

The checklist below lists things you may want to do to prepare a shiva house. In many synagogues, a committee of volunteers is available to help with these tasks. Be aware that each mourner is different, however, and not all families will want to take every step listed. Did we miss something important? Email us at community@myjewishlearning.com or leave suggestions in the comments below.

General Preparations for Shiva

• Notify the mourner’s employer that he or she will be unavailable for the week.
• If the deceased person and/or their mourners are affiliated with a synagogue, contact the synagogue(s) to request help with practical arrangements, set a schedule of services (the shiva minyan) and ensure that 10 adults will be at services (if applicable).
• Decide when/where you will sit shiva and will accept visitors, so that the funeral director or rabbi can distribute that info to those who want to visit.
• Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends and extended family or enlist the service of a caterer. Ensure that the house is stocked with enough food for the mourners and their guests. Identify where to donate leftover food and who will bring it there.
• Arrange for someone (a friend, synagogue volunteer or a hired person) to clean the house before and during shiva.
• Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and people in the neighborhood.
• Prepare a handout with the shiva information, to be passed out at the funeral. Make sure it includes the address of (and maybe directions to) the home where shiva will be observed, hours during which visitors will be welcomed, and the times services (shiva minyan) will be held, if applicable.

Preparing the Shiva House

• Cover the mirrors, if desired. It does not matter what material you use to cover the mirrors (paper, fabric etc.) Since the reason for this tradition is that people shouldn’t be able to see their reflection, mirrors above or a below a height where people will be able to see themselves need not be covered.
• Consider having a sign-in book and pens/pencils for the guests.
• Have a good supply of tissues.
• Put away any highly valuable or delicate items.
• If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services, and kippot (head coverings) for guests. In addition, most funeral homes or chevra kadisha groups (Jewish burial societies) will provide a large shiva candle that burns for seven days. You can also purchase ones (including electrical ones) online.
• If desired, create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
• Set up tables and chairs (low chairs or couches without the cushions for the mourners, regular chairs for everyone else). You may need to borrow extra chairs depending on the number of visitors expected.
• Consider displaying photos of the deceased. This is a nice way to honor the deceased and encourages visitors to talk about the deceased, rather than discussing only trivial matters.

Special thanks to Rabbi Jason Weiner for his assistance with this article.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis. 

The post How to Organize a Shiva appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Why do Jews place stones on graves?

Does Judaism allow cremation?

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

Does Jewish law ever allow embalming?

What exactly happens during shiva?

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Why do Jews place stones on graves?

A variety of explanations for this tradition are discussed in the video below. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow cremation?

While Jewish tradition is strongly anti-cremation, many Jews do choose this over burial, and many Jewish funeral homes and clergy will assist with the funeral and its aftermath regardless. Learn more here.

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes. The misperception that tattoos bar their wearers from Jewish burial is so common has seeped into the wider culture, referenced  by Larry David in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and prompting even the New York Times to consider the question. Though some individual Jewish burial societies may decline to bury tattooed Jews, the practice does not appear to be a common one and there is nothing in Jewish law that calls for denying a Jewish burial to an individual with a tattoo.  Learn more here.

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes, in most cases. Although traditional Jewish law rules that mourning rites should not be observed for those who take their own lives, most contemporary rabbis look for any basis on which to disqualify an apparent suicide so as to allow for traditional burial. Learn more about Judaism and suicide here.

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

There are many laws and customs governing the burial of Jews separately from non-Jews. Traditional Jewish cemeteries that adhere to these practices often permit burial only of those who are Jewish as defined by the longstanding traditional definition (that is, born of a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism under the auspices of Jewish law).

Cemeteries or special parts of cemeteries owned by non-Orthodox congregations or other Jewish institutions often allow somewhat more latitude in determining who is a Jew and/or who may be buried where; some allow non-Jews to be buried anywhere in the cemetery so long as the tombstone doesn’t bear symbols of other religions, while other cemeteries have special sections in which Jews and non-Jewish spouses may be buried together. Learn more about mourning a non-Jewish loved one here.

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Jewish tradition forbids autopsies in a general way on the grounds that the body is sacred. However, they are permitted in two specific cases: where the law requires it, or if it could help others who are immediately suffering from the same disease or condition. Learn more about autopsies and Jewish law here.

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Yes. Despite the common misperception that Judaism opposes organ donations, on the whole there is widespread support for organ donation across the spectrum of Jewish observance, from Reform to haredi Orthodox. Some authorities, citing the injunction in Leviticus 19 not to stand idly by the blood of one’s neighbor, go further in suggesting that Jewish tradition mandates organ donation in certain circumstances. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

The practice of open-casket funerals and public viewings of the dead is not a traditional Jewish practice and runs counter to a number of Jewish legal and philosophical principles. The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot records the opinion of Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar, who counseled that one should not console your friend “at the time when his deceased lies before him.” This statement is often understood to suggest that Judaism does not consider rituals like a wake or a public viewing of the dead to be comforting to mourners. The Talmud also says that gazing upon the dead causes one to forget the Torah they learned.

Open caskets are also typically accompanied by some sort of cosmetic procedure and/or embalming to prevent the body’s decay. Both these actions are considered inconsistent with the prohibition of desecrating a dead body, known in Hebrew as nivul hamet. This prohibition is derived from the verse in Deuteronomy that prohibits leaving the body of an executed man overnight. The Talmud expounds on what qualifies as desecration of the dead to include post-mortem procedures that tamper with a body.

Moreover, various philosophical and mystical objections have been lodged against the practice, among them the idea that a person’s body is merely the container for their true self — their soul. In this view, placing a body on display so one can pay their respects doesn’t honor the deceased; it merely objectifies the container in which the deceased’s personhood once resided. The Jewish mystical tradition believes that the departure of a soul from the body is spiritually painful and that anything that prolongs that process, such as embalming, would aggravate the soul’s pain.

Learn more about Jewish funerals here.

What to expect at a Jewish funeral.

How to plan a Jewish funeral.

Does traditional Judaism ever allow embalming?

There are instances in which embalming would be allowed, such as where a body is being transported over a long distance or if there’s an unavoidable delay in burial. It may also be permitted if it is required by civil authorities. This is the explanation sometimes invoked to explain the embalming of Jacob and Joseph when they died in Egypt, as recorded in the 50th chapter of Genesis.

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Traditional Jewish law requires that a person be buried within 24 hours. The source for this requirement is Deuteronomy, which states that the body of an executed man impaled on a stake must not be left overnight because it is an “affront” to God. The Shulchan Aruch establishes this as a general principle but also delineates a number of situations that would justify a delay, including allowing time for relatives to assemble or to gather burial shrouds. In addition, circumstances sometimes necessitate a delay, such as when a person dies on the eve of the Sabbath. Since burial is prohibited on the Sabbath, burial is often delayed until after. Today, many non-Orthodox Jewish families delay the funeral several days in order to allow loved ones who live far away to be there for the event. Others opt to have a speedy funeral, but then hold a memorial service at a later date when more people can attend.

What exactly happens during shiva?

The shiva period is the first seven days after burial, when mourners traditionally stay home and receive visitors. While there are numerous laws and customs associated with shiva, many non-Orthodox Jewish families choose to observe some, but not all of these practices. For example, a family might sit shiva for fewer than seven days or might specify visiting times so that individuals do not feel obligated to have visitors in the house throughout the day. Learn more about shiva here.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Jewish Mourning FAQ appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There is no simple “solution” to cure you of grief, but there is usually a level of resolution in which one achieves a measure of closure. As you undergo this process of healing and reintegrating into your new “normal,” expect to experience many ups and downs. Grief counselors sometime describe grief as a river: It is not a straight line, but zigzags without any apparent pattern. At the same time, it flows, rising and falling with regularity, especially on anniversaries or special occasions. At other times it can be wild and unpredictable.

Don’t see bereavement as an illness or weakness. It is a normal reaction to loss and needs to play itself out. However, there are some general stages of grief that have been identified, and can help normalize the process. Many find Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of mourning helpful: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These don’t always happen in order nor does everyone necessarily experience all of them. Some have noted a more general mourning process starting with shock, then pain, and then gradually a sense of resolution and readjustment.

This article offers specific advice for each stage of the Jewish mourning process. Below are some general tips that apply to the entire process:

• • Find supportive people to be around who accept your feelings, and don’t make you feel judged.
  • Think about your sources of strength and resilience, and what strategies you have used to overcome previous challenges in your life, but don’t feel discouraged if the pain last for more time than you thought it would.
  • Consider incorporating Jewish mourning traditions and rituals into your life. Though not everybody observes all the Jewish mourning traditions and rituals, being aware of their deep psychological and spiritual wisdom may offer further guidance. Indeed, many people find that having rituals to observe provides a comforting framework for dealing with painful emotions.

Where to Find Help

What to Expect Before the Funeral

What to Expect During Shiva (the First Week after the Funeral)

What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month after the Funeral)

What to Expect the First Year

What to Expect Moving Forward

What to Do When Grief is Especially Complicated

Where to Find Help

There are many helpful organizations and websites, such as Grief.com, that provide support to people who are mourning. Many synagogues and Jewish communities have grief support groups, which are often coordinated through the local Jewish federation. Often, there are a few to choose from and it is acceptable to try some out to see if its a good fit, and then move on to another one if it is not.

You don’t have to be a member of a synagogue to attend these groups, and you can often start by searching the Internet or calling your local federation to find one near you. If there is no grief support in your area, but there is a synagogue, don’t let membership dues deter you from attending synagogue services or other programs. With the exception of High Holiday services and Hebrew school programs, synagogue services and programs are generally open to all, regardless of whether or not they are members or have paid dues.

Even if you’ve never attended the synagogue before, if you inform the rabbi of what you are experiencing, chances are that you will be embraced without any need to pay for membership or any other fees. If this feels uncomfortable, one way to approach this might be simply by reaching out to a local rabbi to ask them what sort of resources are available for someone who is grieving in your community. They can then either welcome you to be comforted by their community, or share with you some other local options that may be a better fit.

What to Expect During Aninut (the Period Before and Including the Funeral)

You may feel numb, like it is not real, and that you are in a fog-like state of shock. During this time Jewish tradition encourages you to acknowledge feelings of despair.

Jewish mourners are not expected to do anything, not even fulfill commandments like saying blessings or participating in daily prayer services, but simply to plan the funeral and ensure they can give the most fitting final respects to their loved one. It is during this time that one simply comes to terms with the painful reality of the death. Jewish law actually forbids people to offer condolences during this phase. Judaism recognizes that we can’t take the pain away while the dead is still lying before us, and the bereaved are not yet ready to be comforted.

The funeral can be a cathartic part of this phase. It is customary to tear a garment at the funeral (a practice known as kriah) in recognition of the pain and even anger that might be felt at this time. It is an attempt to give expression to one’s anger in a controlled manner. Saying a final goodbye, and shoveling earth onto the coffin are meant to acknowledge the finality of the death, helping to dissipate the shock.

What to Expect During Shiva (The First Week after the Funeral)

The Jewish tradition of sitting shiva enables you to stop, reflect and accept the reality of the death as the full emotional impact sets in. During this week, mourners traditionally stay at home and are visited by friends and family. They also begin reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish; traditionally a minyan of at least 10 Jewish adults gather at the shiva house to say the Kaddish.

One of the most crucial aspects of this week is talking openly about the deceased: the impact of the death, what caused it, the days leading up to it, as well as good memories and reflections on their entire life. Telling the narrative over and over again makes the death more real and, though painful, is part of the healing process. This is why grief counselors often say that we can’t just “move on,” we have to “move forward” recognizing that grief is a “journey through,” not around.

It is also important to recognize that Judaism takes a community-based approach. That is why we say, “tzarot rabim chatzi nechama” or “a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved” (based on Sefer Hachinuch, Mitzvah 331). It can be very helpful during this intense period of mourning to have the comfort of other people’s caring presence.

Advice During Shiva

• • • Although people often say unwise and hurtful things to mourners, try not to see this as being insensitive or intentionally offensive. Rather, people are often uncomfortable in these situations and don’t know what to say. Try to accept the good intentions behind their clumsy attempts to help.
    • Even if you aren’t part of a structured Jewish community or synagogue, it may be beneficial to seek one during this time, or attend group grief therapy sessions or find a counselor or therapist (see above for advice on how to find one in your area).
    • If you have friends or family who have not reached out to you in your time of need, try not to take it personally and don’t be afraid to reach out to them to let them know how you are feeling. They will most likely be happy that you did.
    • Don’t be afraid to take some alone time for yourself during shiva. In fact, this option is built into the shiva tradition on Shabbat, when public expressions of mourning and condolence calls are actually traditionally forbidden.

What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month After the Funeral)

After shiva it is customary to take a short walk around the block, symbolizing the need to begin reintegrating into society.The walk around the block is a good transition to Sheloshim, the next three weeks, during which there is still some level of mourning, but it is less intense and readjustment begins. It’s normal to continue to feel very sad and emotional during this time.

Advice During Sheloshim

• • • Just because the initial stage of the mourning has come to an end, doesn’t mean the need to cope goes away. Continue to find people to talk to and tell your story to during this time and beyond.
    • When you go back to work, you don’t want to bombard people with your sadness and stories, but you should let them know what you are going through so they can be supportive and understanding.
    • Even if you did not say Kaddish during Shiva, you might find it comforting to do so now, especially on Shabbat when you might be able to find some time to attend synagogue and find some communal support.

What To Expect During the First Year

For most losses, the official Jewish mourning process ends with the conclusion of sheloshim. For those mourning a parent, the process traditionally continues another 10 months.

Of course the loss of a parent isn’t the only one that will impact you emotionally for more than a month and no one expects you to be done mourning in just 30 days, or even in a year. Some people choose to continue to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish beyond the 30 days, and others find different ways to continue to honor their loved one, such as by doing good things or giving charity in their memory.

The entire first year can remain very difficult, painful and an emotional roller coaster, particularly as you attempts to cope with the demands of daily life. It is normal to have conflicting emotions toward the deceased.

Advice During the First Year

• • • Don’t feel abnormal if the grief persists throughout this year, particularly around special occasions, and just because some days are good doesn’t mean there won’t be more bad days.
    • It can be beneficial to have imaginary conversations with the person you are mourning while saying Kaddish, at the graveside, looking at photographs, or even writing in a journal.
    • Consider reciting the Kaddish regularly, even if you are not religious. Reciting this prayer affirms that no matter how much you might despair, you are publicly affirming that you will not give up and will carry on the positive values of your loved one in this world. Many people also find it is psychologically helpful to incorporate this ritual into their daily or weekly routine and to be part of a larger community of people saying Kaddish.
    • Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or family, especially after the initial surge of attention ebbs and it feels like people have forgotten about you and/or seem to think you should be over it.

What to Expect Moving Forward

Even after the first year, expect to feel some pain, especially on holidays and at lifecycle events. Allow yourself to feel the pain and acknowledge it, ideally surrounding yourself with loved ones and life-affirming activities, such as finding sources of gratitude (i.e. how your life was enriched by the one you’ve lost), happiness and health. These occasions can also serve as reminders that, as difficult as it is, you have managed to survive another year without your loved one, yet have not forgotten them. It is customary to remember your loved one on certain days of the year, each in a different way:

• • • On the anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit), often by lighting a candle, visiting the grave and/or saying Kaddish.
    • At the Yizkor memorial service in synagogue on Yom Kippur and the last days of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot.

Advice Moving Forward

• • • On the Yahrzeit and at Yizkor, it is common to feel once again some of the emotions felt during the first year of mourning. You should re-engage many of the strategies for coping mentioned in this article.
    • It is crucial during the grieving process to identify your sources of strength, and to acknowledge your hopes and your fears, and not to be afraid to find someone to talk to openly about them.

What to Do When Grief Is Especially Complicated

As we have pointed out, there is no one right way to mourn nor one normal or universal timeline. Everyone grieves differently and most mourners will return to standard functioning in their own time frame. However, when grief is ongoing and paralyzing, particularly if the intensity doesn’t subside over time, it is known as “complicated grief.” When it continues for more than a year (or less than that if the emotions are overwhelming) this “unresolved grief” may require professional help.

This is especially common following traumatic or unexpected loss and is often characterized by lack of acceptance of the death, avoidance of experiencing pain or grief, resistance to continuing with daily life and unwillingness to be comforted. It also manifests as isolation, lack of desire to form new relationships, decreased performance at work/school, talking often about death in unrelated conversations (or never talking about it at all).

If you or someone you love is engaging in uncharacteristic behavior, has drastically changed sleep habits, suicidal ideation or severe depression, please take heed. The reality is that grief is real and can’t be ignored. When it gets to these extremes for an extended period of time it is crucial to be evaluated by a professional specialist.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Finding Support at Each Stage of Grief appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Ironically, as lonely as grief can be, it is one of life’s most universal experiences. And from ancient times to the present, people have been writing about it. While nothing can take your pain away, many mourners get some comfort from reading poems and other texts that address loss, mortality and grief.

We encourage you to explore the Book of Psalms, which, as this article notes, Jews and others have for centuries turned to “for solace, guidance, catharsis, renewal, and much more.” Another popular biblical text at times of loss is The Book of Job, which addresses head on and often very poetically, the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people. In addition, many people find the words of the Mourner’s Kaddish comforting.

A number of contemporary books, such as For Those Left Behind: A Jewish Anthology of Comfort and Healing and Grief in Our Seasons: A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion offer an array of inspiring poems, quotes and other readings.

Below are some of our favorite Jewish quotes, poems and texts for comforting mourners. Did we miss a special quote or a book that helped you get through a hard time? Leave it in the comments below or email us at community@myjewishlearning.com.

Don’t Be Afraid of Pain

We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there. — Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, a contemporary American rabbi (from When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search For a Life That Matters)

There Is No Magic Answer

There is no magic answer to loss. Nothing, not even time, will make the pain completely disappear. But loss is transformative if it is met with faith. Faith is our chance to make sense of loss, to cope with the stone that rolls around in the hollow of our stomachs when something we loved, something we thought was forever, is suddenly gone. — Rabbi David Wolpe, a contemporary American rabbi (from Making Loss Matter: Creating Meaning in Difficult Times)

Rebuilding After Loss

“I will build an altar from the broken fragments of my heart.” — Rabbi Yehuda HaChasid, a Polish rabbi who, with a group of followers, moved to Jerusalem in 1700.

“Each Of Us Has a Name”

This Hebrew poem, by the Israeli poet known as Zelda (her full name was Zelda Schneurson Mishkovsky and she lived from 1914-1984) is translated here by Marcia Falk and is often read at funerals and memorial services, as well as at Jewish naming ceremonies.

What We Leave Behind

You can read the Hannah Senesh poem “There are Stars” (Yesh Kochavim, in the original Hebrew) in full here. The Hungarian-born Senesh was killed by the Nazis at age 23. She had moved to pre-state Israel but then returned to Hungary in 1944, in a doomed (and fatal) effort to help the anti-Nazi resistance fighters there. Here are the first few lines:

There are stars whose radiance is visible on earth
though they have long been extinct.
There are people whose brilliance continues to light
the world even though they are not longer among the living….

“If I Had Not Fallen”

This short passage comes from Orchot Tzadikim (The Ways of the Righteous), an anonymous book of Jewish ethical teachings written in 15th-century Germany:

If I had not fallen, I would not have picked myself up,
If I did not sit in darkness, I would not have seen the light.

(Orchot Tzadikim, Shaar Hateshuvah, Shaar 26)

“God Takes Nothing”

This proverb comes from Midrash HaGadol, a collection of Midrash texts that was compiled in the 14th century:

God takes nothing from the world until He puts something else in its place.

“Strange Is Our Situation Here on Earth”

This passage by physicist Albert Einstein comes from “My Credo,” an article he wrote in 1932, which is cited here.

Strange is our situation here on Earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men — above all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.

Three Levels of Mourning

This is a Hasidic teaching that Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel often quoted, according to Heschel, Hasidism and Halakha:

There are three ascending levels of mourning: with tears — that is the lowest. With silence — that is higher. And with a song — that is the highest.

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Aninut (pronounced ah-nee-NUTE) — The period between learning of a loved one’s death and their burial. A mourner during this period is referred to as an onen (oh-NEHN).

Aron (pronounced ah-ROHN) — This Hebrew word, which is used to refer to the cabinet where a Torah is stored, also means “casket,” or coffin.

Aveilut (pronounced ah-vay-LUTE) — The Hebrew word for mourning.

Baruch Dayan Emet (pronounced bah-ROOKH dai-YAN eh-MET)  — Literally meaning “blessed is the judge of truth,” this phrase is uttered upon hearing the news that someone has died. On the internet, it is often abbreviated BDE.

Chesed Shel Emet (pronounced KHEH-sed shell EM-ut) — Literally “the truest act of kindness,” this means kindness to a dead person, usually used to describe the work of a Jewish burial society or the care of a grave.

Chevra Kadisha (pronounced KHEH-vruh kah-DEE-shuh) —  Hebrew for “holy society,” this refers to a Jewish burial society, often tasked with preparing the body for burial and providing support services for the mourners.

El Maleh Rahamim (pronounced ell mah-LEH rakh-hah-MEEM, or RAKH-ah-meem) —Hebrew for “God full of mercy,” this is the name of a prayer recited at a Jewish funeral, at the unveiling of the tombstone and during Yizkor services.

Kaddish (pronounced KAH-dish) — The Mourner’s Kaddish is an Aramaic prayer traditionally recited by the mourners during shiva (see below), shloshim (see below), and — when mourning a parent — daily for 11 months after burial.

Kriah (pronounced KREE-uh or kree-YAH) — Mourning custom of tearing one’s garment.

Matzevah (pronounced mahtz-uh-VAH) — Hebrew for monument, or gravestone.

Nihum Avelim (pronounced nee-KHOOM ah-vay-LEEM) — Hebrew for “comforting mourners,” considered one of the most important acts of chesed, or lovingkindness, a Jew can perform.

Shiva (pronounced SHIH-vuh or shee-VAH) — The seven-day mourning period after the funeral. What you need to know about sitting shiva and visiting a shiva house.

Shiva minyan (pronounced SHIH-vuh MINN-yun or shee-VAH meen-YAHN) — The prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews needed to assemble in the mourner’s home so that he or she can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish.

Shloshim (pronounced shloh-SHEEM, or SHLOH-sheem) — The first 30 days after a loved one is buried.

Shomer (pronounced SHOH-mur or shoh-MARE) — Hebrew for “guard,” this is someone who sits with the body before it is buried. Jewish law dictates that a body must not be left alone between death and burial.

Tahara (pronounced tah-HAH-ruh or tah-hah-RAH) — Hebrew for “purification,” this is the traditional cleaning and ritual preparation of a body before burial, usually performed by members of a chevra kadisha (see above).

Yahrzeit (pronounced YAHR-tzite) —The Hebrew anniversary of someone’s death. On a loved one’s yahrzeit, Jews traditionally light a 25-hour candle known as a yahrzeit candle or yizkor candle.

Yizkor (pronounced YIZZ-kohr) — A Jewish memorial service for the dead that is part of the observance of several holidays.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

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What does a shiva house look like?

Traditionally, mourners cover all the mirrors in the house and sit either on low stools (in Ashkenazi tradition) or on the floors or on pillows (Sephardic tradition). Sitting like this symbolizes that the mourner is in low spirits. Mourners often keep a yahrzeit memorial candle burning for the entire week. In addition, it is customary to leave the doors unlocked so that visitors can come and go without disturbing the mourners. Many families also set out a condolence book where visitors can sign in and leave messages. Find more details about shiva house customs and what they signify.

When does one sit shiva and for whom?

Shiva begins immediately after the funeral. Traditionally, a mourner sits shiva for a parent, sibling, child or spouse.

How long does shiva last?

Shiva is the Hebrew word for “seven,” and shiva traditionally lasts seven days. Some families sit shiva for shorter periods of time, however. Jewish law stipulates that if a family is in financial distress, mourners can return to work after just three days. Learn more about work and shiva.

When a yom tov, or Jewish holiday like Rosh Hashanah that is traditionally observed with restrictions similar to Shabbat restrictions (like not driving or using electricity), falls fewer than seven days after the burial, the shiva period is shortened, ending with the holiday. Shiva is not observed on Shabbat.

What is a mourner supposed to do during shiva?

Friends and family are expected to visit the mourner and provide food for him or her. Traditionally, three prayer services are conducted each day at the shiva house, with guests forming what is called a shiva minyan (the prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews). During these services, mourners recite the Mourner’s Kaddish. Learn about the shiva minyan.

In addition, there are some shiva customs unique to the Sephardic community. For example, according to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, Iranian Jews customarily hold a special study session in synagogue during the shiva week, which mourners are allowed to attend “and are often joined by hundreds of friends and relatives.”

Besides staying home, are there other restrictions the mourner is supposed to observe during shiva?

Mourners are traditionally forbidden from working, shaving, bathing for pleasure, wearing leather shoes, having sex or cleaning their clothes during shiva. They are also supposed to refrain from pleasurable activities like listening to music, watching movies or other entertainment, or going to parties or other festive gatherings. According to some interpretations of Jewish law, mourners are not allowed to study Torah or other Jewish texts during shiva, except for texts pertaining to mourning. However, in many Sephardic communities, it is customary to study the Zohar, a mystical commentary on the Torah, throughout the week.

How does one pay a shiva visit?

Ideally you should find out beforehand during which hours the mourners want visitors, and, when you arrive, not say anything to the mourner(s) until he or she begins the conversation. Be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.

Learn what NOT to say at a shiva. And find out 11 things you shouldn’t do at a shiva.

Bring food or, if possible, a full meal so the mourners won’t have to cook — but first check if the mourners keep kosher or have other dietary restrictions. Do not bring flowers, however. Upon leaving, it is customary to say, “May you be comforted from Heaven,” in the Sephardi tradition, or “May God console you together with everyone who mourns for Zion and Jerusalem,” in Ashkenazi tradition. Learn more about this phrase.

If you are comfortable doing so and are Jewish, you should participate in the shiva minyan so that the mourners will meet the prayer quorum of 10. (Be aware that if the mourners are Orthodox, only men will count in the minyan, but both men and women can still participate in the service.) Learn more about comforting mourners. Learn more about shiva etiquette.

What is the origin of shiva and other Jewish mourning practices?

According to the Talmud, the practice of sitting shiva is first alluded to early in the Torah, when Methuselah, the oldest man in the world, was mourned for seven days prior to the flood. Genesis 50:10 (in the Torah portion Vayechi) notes that Joseph “observed a mourning period of seven days” for his father, Jacob. Jewish mourning practices are discussed in the Talmud and clarified further in the Mishneh Torah, a compendium of Jewish law compiled by Maimonides in the 12th century, and the Yoreh De’ah section of the Shulchan Aruch, written by Joseph Caro in the 16th century.

How does shiva end?

The traditional end of shiva occurs on the seventh day of mourning (the sixth day after the funeral). The most common end-of-shiva practice today in many communities is for the mourner(s), on the morning of the last day of shiva, accompanied and even assisted by a friend or friends, to literally “get up from shiva.” The mourners rise from the low seat and confinement at home, and go for a walk around the block or its equivalent. In some communities, the friends recite the formula of consolation (“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem”) and then say to the mourner(s), “Arise.” According to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, Moroccan Jews end shiva with a spe­cial meal and study session, called a mishmara. Another mishmara, this time at the cemetery, takes place on the 30th day after burial.

At the end of shiva, mourners who, following traditional law, have not been wearing leather shoes now put on regular shoes, replace the torn clothing or torn cloth worn during shiva, and set out to encounter once again the world beyond the home. Learn more about ending shiva.

What happens after shiva?

The next phase of mourning is called sheloshim (pronounced shlo-SHEEM), Hebrew for 30, and it ends 30 days after burial. Sheloshim is less restrictive than shiva, however — mourners can go out, work and perform other everyday activities. Learn more about sheloshim. 

Learn about the full timeline of Jewish mourning. 

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Shiva: What You Need to Know appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Aninut, From Death Until Burial

The period from the moment of death until the burial is called aninut, and a mourner in this stage is called an onen. The onen has no religious obligations except to attend to the practical necessities of arranging for the funeral. The Jewish understanding is that an onen cannot focus on anything other than the immediate issue of the burial, and should not be expected to be capable of any ritual observances, even those that might otherwise be performed on a daily basis (such as reciting the Shema).

The Funeral

Traditionally, Jewish funerals take place as soon after death as possible, often within 24 hours. The funeral service generally happens at a synagogue, funeral home or in the cemetery, either at a cemetery chapel or beside the grave. The service typically includes some readings from Jewish texts, a eulogy and the El Maleh Rahamim (God Full of Compassion) prayer.

Returning from the Cemetery

Immediately on returning from the cemetery, mourners should be greeted with a “meal of consolation” prepared by their extended family and/or community. It is traditional to place a pitcher of water, a bowl and towels outside the door of the house for the ritual hand washing.

Shiva

Jewish tradition offers very specific recommendations for gradual re-entry into normal life. The first week after the funeral is known as shiva (literally, “seven”). During this period, the mourners are treated with the utmost care and respect. Their needs are met by the community — both their physical needs, such as meals, and their spiritual and emotional needs. During this time, mourners mostly remain at home and a service is held daily (often in the evening) at the home, so that the mourners may recite the Kaddish. Mourners are encouraged to join the congregation on Shabbat to say Kaddish. In some communities services are held in the home both morning and evening. The tradition is that the Mourner’s Kaddish is said in the presence of a minyan, to insure that mourners do not grieve in isolation but rather surrounded by members of their community.

Friends, relatives, and community members visit and bring some food for the household. The shiva period gives the mourners a time to withdraw from the business of the world and begin to integrate and accept their loss. At the close of shiva, friends or family traditionally accompany the mourner for a brief walk (e.g., around the block) to symbolize the start of re-entry into the world.

Sheloshim

The next stage of the mourning process is known as sheloshim (literally, thirty). This 30-day period is counted from the day of the funeral (and so includes the period of shiva). Following shiva, the mourner returns to work during sheloshim but is still not completely back in the world. This ongoing mourning is expressed by avoiding parties, concerts, and other forms of public entertainment.

At the conclusion of sheloshim, the formal mourning period ends, except for those who are mourning parents. For these mourners, formal mourning, including the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, lasts eleven months (see Shnat ha-evel below). Some people may wish to mark the end of sheloshim with a special minyan (prayer service) at which the mourner or family members speak about the deceased. Also, if there is to be a public memorial service, it is usually held at the conclusion of sheloshim. The memorial service may include several speakers and music or poetry that might not have been included in the funeral service.

Shnat Ha-Evel, the First Year of Mourning

Traditionally, mourners who have lost a parent say the Mourner’s Kaddish daily for eleven months (or a full year), whereas mourning for all other relatives ends with the sheloshim. In modern practice, mourners may recite the Mourner’s Kaddish for 11 months for other immediate relatives as well. This is a time we are encouraged to get back into life fully, while honoring our dead on a daily basis through the saying of the Mourner’s Kaddish.

Unveiling

There is a traditional obligation to create some form of matzevah (“monument,” usually a gravestone) to mark the site of the grave. The “unveiling” is a formal ceremony following the placement of the tombstone.

Customs differ, but the unveiling is generally held after sheloshim and usually in the month before the first yahrzeit (anniversary of the death; see below). The unveiling service is a relatively recent practice originating in the United States. Technically, a rabbi need not be present, but it is helpful to have an experienced person officiate.

The ceremony is very brief and usually includes some psalms and readings, a few words about the deceased, the removal of a covering from the monument, the El Malei Rachamim prayer, and, if a minyan (quorum of 10 adult Jews) is present, the Mourner’s Kaddish. You may ask the rabbi to assist you in putting together an appropriate service to mark the occasion. The unveiling reminds us that we will continue to visit the grave on yahrzeits and during the High Holiday season, and that the memory of the person will always be with us as our life continues.

Yahrzeit

Yahrzeit

is the yearly anniversary of a loved one’s death (traditionally observed on the Hebrew calendar). We observe yahrzeit at home by lighting a yahrzeit candle (which burns for 24 hours) in memory of the deceased. In the synagogue, we observe yahrzeit by saying the Mourner’s Kaddish at services.

Adapted with permission of Kavod v’Nichum a nonprofit educational organization that promotes and assists the formation of bereavement committees and chevrah kadisha (Jewish burial society) groups in synagogues and communities throughout North America.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

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The post Timeline of Jewish Mourning appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Find the text in Aramaic, transliteration and English translation here.

For whom does one say the Kaddish?How frequently do Jewish mourners recite the Kaddish?For how long does a mourner say the Kaddish?When did Jews begin reciting the Kaddish?Why was this prayer designated by Jewish law to memorialize the dead?Can women say the Kaddish?Is there any reason to say the Kaddish if one is not religious?Are there any alternative rituals for people who are unable to make it to services to say Kaddish?What is it like to say Kaddish?Listen to the Kaddish

For whom does one say the Kaddish?

Traditionally, Jewish men are required to recite the Kaddish for a deceased parent, spouse, sibling or child. However, many women recite the Kaddish as well, and it is also permissible to do so for loved ones who are not parents, spouses, siblings or children.

How frequently do Jewish mourners recite the Kaddish?

Traditionally Jews recite Kaddish three times a day at the daily morning, afternoon and evening prayer services. However, Jews who say Kaddish have a range of practices — some people go to services daily to recite Kaddish, while others do so only on Shabbat. In some Reform congregations, the Kaddish is said even when a minyan is not present.

For how long does a mourner say the Kaddish?

Traditionally, Jews are required to say the Kaddish for 30 days after burial for a child, spouse or sibling, and for 11 months after burial for a parent. From then on, one recites Kaddish on a loved one’s yahrzeit (the Hebrew anniversary of their death) and at Yizkor (memorial) services.

When did Jews begin reciting the Kaddish?

This tradition dates back to the Talmud. The prayer was written in Aramaic, because it was the vernacular — the language spoken by most Jews at the time. In Nihum Aveilim: A Guide for the Comforter, Rabbi Stuart Kelman and Dan Fendel write that the prayer originally had nothing to do with mourning. Instead, it “was originally a call for the coming of God’s ultimate reign on earth” and was often said following a study session or sermon, and came to be known as the Rabbi’s Kaddish.

The Mourner’s Kaddish was originally known as the Orphan’s Kaddish and was said only by children for their parents, but now encompasses other mourners. There are also other forms of the Kaddish used in the daily prayers as well as a at funerals.

Why was this prayer designated by Jewish law to memorialize the dead?

There are many different theories, but no definitive answer. In Jewish Literacy, Rabbi Joseph Telushkin suggests that “Most likely, people believed that the finest way to honor the dead was to recite the Kaddish, thereby testifying that the deceased person left behind worthy descendants, people who attend prayer services daily and proclaim there their ongoing loyalty to God.”

Kelman and Fendel note that the “positive, affirming and hopeful nature of the text is in contradiction to the often negative, even depressed, outlook of a mourner, which is part of why recitation is so important.”

Since Judaism focuses on life, the tradition often sees death as a lessening of God’s presence in the world. The Kaddish prayer, as Rabbi Elie Kaunfer explains, asks for God’s presence to be made great in the world in the wake of grief and loss.

Can women say the Kaddish?

Outside of Orthodox Judaism, the answer is yes. In the Orthodox world, the issue is more complicated, with some communities supportive of women reciting the Kaddish and others objecting to it.

Learn more about women and Kaddish here. 

Is there any reason to say the Kaddish if one is not religious?

Telushkin notes that reciting the Kaddish is psychologically beneficial because it gets mourners to go out in public and join a community. “After the death of a loved one, a person might well wish to stay home alone, or with a few family members, and brood. But saying Kaddish forces a mourner to join with others,” he writes.

Kelman and Fendel note: “Often, it is very difficult to know what to say to a mourner, and yet when the minyan responds with the appropriate words (at the same time that the mourner is standing), it is as if those words and the voices of those present offer comfort, since the mourner senses the presence of everyone around him or her.”

Saying Kaddish also can provide much-needed routine and structure in a life that has been upended by loss, and participating in a ritual Jews have been practicing for centuries gives one a feeling of being part of something larger.

Reciting Kaddish for a parent “gives the son or daughter an opportunity to receive communal sympathy for this entire time and even to channel his or her own bereftness into positive action,” writes Rabbi Judith Hauptman. “The need to attend services regularly often gives a new focus to the mourning child and fills a void left by the death of the parent, the community’s attention substituting in a certain way for parental attention no longer available to him or her.”

Are there any alternative rituals for people who are unable to make it to services to say Kaddish?

Rabbi Hauptman suggests reading a chapter from the Torah or the Prophets or studying a passage from the Mishnah or Talmud.

Some people also find Jewish meditation helpful during the mourning period.

You also may enjoy this alternative version of the Mourner’s Kaddish set to the tune of Adele’s “Hello”:

What is it like to say Kaddish?

Below are some personal essays and memoirs about saying Kaddish:
Lessons I Learned from Reciting Kaddish for Mom

Mayim Bialik on Mourning Her Father

This Is Kaddish 

Mournings and Mournings: A Kaddish Journal (E.M. Broner)

Living a Year of Kaddish: A Memoir (Ari Goldman)

Kaddish (Leon Wieseltier)

Listen to the Mourner’s Kaddish (via Mechon Hadar)

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post The Mourner’s Kaddish: A Memorial Prayer in Praise of God appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

History and Development

Many practices surrounding death that continue to this day–such as tearing one’s clothes, burial, and mourning the deceased–find their origins in the biblical text. There is both a remarkable consistency and fascinating differences in Jewish burial and mourning practices around the world.

Dying

Long before death, one may write an “ethical” will, recording values and guidance for one’s descendants. Individuals who may be dying are encouraged to recite the traditional deathbed viddui,or confession of sins.

Before the Funeral

Until the burial, a person who hears of the death of a first-degree relative (a parent, spouse, sibling, or child) is an onen (literally “someone in between”). Traditionally, the enigmatic yet powerful phrase “baruch dayan ha-emet” (“blessed is the judge of Truth”) is uttered upon hearing the news, and a garment is torn. The body is prepared for burial with great care by the hevra kaddisha (the sacred burial society), including ritual purification (tahora), and dressing the body in shrouds (tachrichim).

Funeral and Burial

Mourners are greeted by those attending the funeral, and tearing (kriah) of a garment or ribbon is repeated. The funeral has a small number of fixed liturgical elements, including the short prayer El Maleh Rachamim (“God full of compassion”), and usually includes psalms and a hesped, or eulogy. The service may take place in a funeral home, in a synagogue, or at the graveside. The burial is framed by other liturgical elements, including the recitation of a special version of the Kaddish prayer, often thought of as the “mourner’s prayer.” Mourners and others participate in covering the casket with dirt. Mourners leave the graveside first, and others say to them the traditional words, “May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

The Mourning Period

The Mourning period is successively less intense; many Jews and non-Jews view the Jewish process of mourning as psychologically wise. Its traditional elements are: shiva, seven days during which mourners are visited at home by family and community, and participate in prayer services held at home; sheloshim, the first 30 days of mourning, during which mourners return to their normal routine but refrain from many customary pleasurable activities; and, for those who have lost a parent, 11 months of aveilut (mourning), during which Kaddish is recited daily.

A tombstone may be erected or uncovered at any time; an “unveiling” is often done a year after the death. The anniversary of death, or yahrzeit, is observed each year, and the deceased is remembered four times annually during Yizkor services.

In Practice

Jewish funerals often take place almost immediately after a death. Outside of Israel, it is not customary to send flowers, but charitable donations are a common and meaningful practice. A person paying a “shiva call” on a bereaved individual or family can easily learn the basic customs of this unusual yet comforting visit.

Issues

Suicide is forbidden in Jewish law; an individual who takes his or her own life is usually presumed to have been suffering from mental illness. Traditionally, cremation is forbidden because of the sanctity of the human body; similarly, autopsies are, with some exceptions, traditionally not permitted. Organ donation is permitted in order to save another individual’s life. Law and custom mandate special cemeteries for Jews, but many contemporary Jewish cemeteries will arrange to bury non-Jewish spouses. Many converts to Judaism follow traditional mourning practices  (including saying Kaddish) for their non-Jewish family members. And while Jewish tradition frowns on things which can be construed as mutilation of one’s body, like tattoos and body piercing, none of these things represent a barrier to burial in even the most traditionally-run cemetery.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Jewish Death and Mourning 101 appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The mitzvah of comforting mourners begins after the burial. In talmudic and medieval times, those attending the burial would form a line outside the cemetery, and as the mourners would walk by this line, community members would console them. This practice is still followed in Israel and among traditional Jews in the diaspora. (According to traditional Jewish law, officially mourners are the deceased person’s spouse, parents, children, and siblings.)

READ: How to Be the World’s Best Shiva Guest

The most common time to console mourners is during shiva (“seven”), the seven-day mourning period that follows burial. Visitors come to the “shiva house,” where the mourners are said to be “sitting shiva.” This is not a simple social visit; the aim is to show the mourner that one is concerned about his or her distress.

Concern for the mourner should be paramount. The Shulchan Arukh, the classic code of Jewish law (written by Rabbi Joseph Karo in the sixteenth century), states, “The consolers are not to speak until the mourner speaks. The mourner sits at the front of the room, and once he nods to indicate that the consolers should leave, they are not permitted to remain any longer”.

One should visit the shiva house of a mourner who is a friend or relative, a member of one’s community, or a mourner who has no other visitors. Ideally, one finds out during which hours the mourners want visitors, and the visitor should be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.

The traditional sentences of consolation which conclude the shiva visit (and are used in the cemetery line) are “May you be comforted from Heaven,” in the Sephardic tradition, and “May God console you together with everyone who mourns for Zion and Jerusalem,” in Ashkenazic tradition.

In traditional communities, daily prayer services are held at the shiva house. Attending those services is a good way to show concern for the mourners, since it ensures the presence of a minyan (a quorum of ten), which is required for the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, one of several versions of this prayer sanctifying God’s name. It also serves to slowly help connect the mourner, who often has a more introverted psychological stance that is characteristic of mourning, with a sense of community.

Another way of showing concern is bringing food to the shiva house; this ensures that the mourners do not have to cook meals for themselves. The rabbis of the Talmud ordained that these meals should not be brought in ostentatious platters and baskets; the purpose of the meals is to help the mourners, not to demonstrate the comforters’ wealth.

There is a custom to comfort mourners who are sitting shiva during Friday night services in synagogue. The mourners remain outside while the congregation reads or sings the psalms that welcome the Sabbath (Kabbalat Shabbat). Then the mourners enter the synagogue, and the congregation greets them with the traditional sentence of consolation.

When it is not possible to visit during shiva, notes of condolence are a way of expressing concern and sympathy. When meeting someone who has lost a relative during the year following the death, one should say some sentence of consolation, but not after the year has passed.

Maimonides states that comforting mourners is not only a way of showing kindness to the mourners, but also of showing respect to the deceased.

The Shulhan Arukh rules that one should also comfort non-Jewish mourners. The ways in which this should be done are obviously different, but the principle of showing concern for someone who is in distress remains constant.

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Funerals are usually arranged by families in consultation with a funeral home and/or chevra kadisha and a rabbi, as well as a cemetery. In some places, the chevra kadisha, funeral home and Jewish cemetery may be seamlessly integrated; even when this is not the case, the three organizations generally communicate well with one another but should be notified of which organizations are being used.

Learning these details (particularly, before they are necessary) can make this painful time less confusing. The traditional time frame for a Jewish burial is quite brief. In North America, burial usually occurs within about three days of the death. It is helpful for mourners know what to expect from centuries-old Jewish burial and mourning practices. Learn more about the Timeline of Jewish Mourning here and get answers to Frequently Asked Questions About Jewish Death and Mourning.

Contact a Chevra Kadisha and/or Funeral Home

When a Jewish person passes away, the first task is to inform either a funeral home or the chevra kadisha. A chevra kadisha is a Jewish burial society; it will quickly send representatives to gather the body. A hospital, care facility, synagogue, funeral home or rabbi should be able to help you contact a chevra kadisha if you wish to use one. Learn more Jewish death and mourning terms here.

A chevra kadisha and a funeral home are both mortuaries, groups that prepares the body for burial. A cemetery, by contrast, is the place where the body is buried. Sometimes the mortuary is part of the cemetery, in which case one needs only to contact the cemetery. However, sometimes people choose to use a chevra kadisha that is separate from the cemetery (either because it is more traditional, cheaper or for other reasons), in which case the chevra kadisha should be contacted first. In either case, the process moves more smoothly if arrangements have been made in advance, but either way it can all be handled in a timely manner.

A representative of the chevra kadisha may ask if there is someone available to stay with the body until they arrive. That is because in the Jewish tradition, a dead person should not be left alone until their burial. A shomer, or guard, will watch over the body, often while reciting psalms. Although a family member may be willing to serve this role, it is not necessary that the shomer (or shomeret, if a woman) know the deceased person (though it is often considered best if they are Jewish and can recite prayers or psalms). Once the chevra kadisha or mortuary picks the body up, they can provide someone to do this task.

Most often, the chevra kadisha or funeral home will arrange for transporting the body of the deceased. Depending on the local situation, the chevra kadisha will either conduct its work at its own facility or at a separate funeral home. Trained volunteer members of the chevra kadisha bathe and dress the body with extreme care and respect (this is called a Tahara). A traditional burial also includes dressing the body in a plain white shroud (known as Tachrichim) and placing it in an untreated simple wooden coffin. Other than the shroud, the only item traditionally buried along with the dead person is a tallit (prayer shawl) with one of its corner fringes cut. With some chevra kadishas the tallit is provided and cut automatically; with others it must be requested and paid extra for. Learn more about Tahara here.

Larger Jewish communities may have separate burial societies for each synagogue or Jewish denomination (Reform, Conservative, Orthodox). In such a situation, each chevra kadisha will have a slightly different approach to the laws and customs connected to body preparation and burial. For example, one chevra kadisha may allow the body to be dressed in clothing rather than a simple shroud. Choose the organization that best matches your family’s preferences.

There may not be a burial society in your hometown. In some areas, there may be a set protocol by which Jewish funerals are arranged, even if there is no official burial society or Jewish funeral home. Jewish burials in such areas may be arranged by local Jewish families, sometimes through a synagogue. In other places, it may be best to call the closest synagogue or Jewish federation — whether it is in the nearest major city or a neighboring state.

Find a Burial Plot or Make Other Arrangements for the Deceased

Jews are traditionally buried either in a specifically Jewish cemetery or in a part of a general community cemetery designated for Jewish use. Jews traditionally are not cremated. However, a number of Jewish families nonetheless opt for cremation, and many Jewish cemeteries, funeral homes and clergy members will work with them. Learn more about cremation here.

If it is necessary to choose a funeral plot, it is frequently best to consider if there is a cemetery that has been used for other family members. It may even be possible to find an available plot for the deceased near the graves of loved ones. Other considerations may include costs and proximity to living family members who may want to visit the grave occasionally. If the deceased or one of the mourners belongs to a synagogue, you may be able to purchase in the synagogue’s cemetery or cemetery section.

Find a Funeral Officiant

This officiant, usually a rabbi or cantor, does not need to be someone who knew the deceased person, although this is preferred by most families. Most often, the officiant is a rabbi who either leads a synagogue where the deceased person was a member or the synagogue of other family members. Funeral homes usually have a list of potential officiants who serve families that are not affiliated with a synagogue.

Usually, the rabbi (or other officiant) will lead the funeral prayers and deliver a eulogy. Learn more about Jewish eulogies here.

In order to prepare for these tasks, the officiant will generally meet with family members before the funeral, either in their own home or at the synagogue. The rabbi (or other officiant) will want family members to provide an accurate description of the deceased person and the lessons that may be learned from that person’s life. Also, family members will sometimes assist in the selection of readings for the service. It is crucial that the rabbi be contacted before the time of the funeral is set, to ensure that the rabbi will be available.

Arrange for a Traditional Meal (Meal of Consolation) after the Funeral

Many families, including some who are not observing shiva, welcome visitors at the family home after the funeral service for a traditional meal, called a “seudat havra’ah” (meal of consolation). This meal is the first food eaten by the family after the funeral and generally consists of simple, round foods, such as a hard-boiled egg, symbolizing the cycle of life. This meal is mostly intended for the mourners, who may feel too saddened to eat if left alone. The community is present to provide the food for the mourners, encourage them to take care of their own needs and usher mourners into a new stage in their lives. This is also a time in which mourners may light a large candle (usually provided by the funeral home), which will burn in the home for the next week.

In addition to that small meal for the mourners, some families hire a caterer to provide a meal while people gather at their home after the funeral. However, it is nice for extended family members, synagogue members, or friends to arrange the meal. Mourners should not have to arrange for the food, greet or entertain guests, but simply sit and reflect on their loved one, if they are up for it.

Plan the Shiva

Before the burial, priority should be given to arranging a respectful farewell to the departed loved one. Once these efforts are in place, attention should turn to the details of mourning. If mourners will be sitting shiva (i.e. observing the seven-day-long period of mourning in a family home), preparations must be made, usually with the help of a rabbi or synagogue members. (Some families may observe a three-day mourning period, some just one day, and others a full week.) This full week of withdrawal from daily concerns provides a chance for mourners to grieve together, exchange memories of the deceased loved one, and be comforted by each other and the community. Learn more about shiva here.

Funeral Checklist

Although the most vital tasks and decisions must be made by family members, an excellent way to deal with other tasks is to recruit as many friends and non-first-degree relatives (in-laws can be excellent for this) as possible to make phone calls, help transport out-of-town relatives, arrange food for the meal following the funeral, and assist with other needed errands.

Burial Arrangements

• Contact a chevra kadisha (burial society) and/or funeral home. If there is no local organization of this type, contact other local Jewish families, the closest synagogue, or Jewish Federation.
• If the departed person has a pre-arranged burial and funeral plan, find the necessary information.
• If the deceased owned a tallit (prayer shawl), decide if they should be buried with it. (It may also be kept as a family heirloom.)
• The displaying of flowers is generally discouraged at a Jewish funeral. Instead, choose an appropriate charity for people to make donations to in their memory.

Sharing the Sadness

• Inform–in person, if possible–the closest family members. For out-of-town members of the immediate family, do your best to make sure that the person being called is not alone or in an inappropriate location to receive the sad news of their loved one’s death. (For example, one should not notify a sibling that their sister has died while he or she is on their cell phone and driving.)
• Make a list of people who should be contacted regarding the death. Include family members, friends, employers (of both the deceased and of family members), co-workers, community members, and neighbors.
• Delegate family members and friends for making phone calls.

Funeral Service

• Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of the mourners.
• Decide who will conduct the funeral service.
• Consult with the service officiant regarding the eulogy and the participation of family members and friends.
• Estimate the number of funeral attendees.
• Consult with the funeral home and/or cemetery regarding service locations for both the eulogy and burial. Decide if a chapel and/or graveside service will suit family needs.
• Appoint pall-bearers (who will carry the coffin part or all of the way to the burial site). If there are individuals who may be unable to physically handle this task, you may designate them as “honorary” pall-bearers.
• Decide who will be asked to deliver eulogies and inform them.
• Prepare the eulogy one will deliver, if applicable.
• Arrange for transportation to and from the ceremony for mourners and other family members. This is often done through the funeral home.
• Some mourners may wish to practice reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish
• If mourners would like to rip a garment (usually a shirt or sweater) for kriah, then they should wear that article to the funeral (with appropriate garments underneath, for the sake of modesty).
• If children are to attend the funeral, arrange to seat them with a babysitter or other responsible adult who will not mind leaving the service if the children are restless or upset.
• Prepare a handout with the shiva information, to be passed out at the funeral, that includes the address of (and maybe directions to) the home where shiva will be observed, hours during which visitors will be welcomed, and the times of the services.

Seudat Havra’ah (“Meal of Consolation”)

• If the family will be observing this custom, the rabbi or members of the extended family or friends—but not the mourners—should make arrangements for a light meal.
• Give out directions to the family home at the funeral if that is the place the gathering will occur.
• Place a pitcher of water, a basin, and towel outside the front door, to be used by funeral returnees before they enter the home. (This may also be done outside the cemetery.)
• Prepare hard-boiled eggs for eating during the meal. These eggs symbolize the cyclical nature of life.

Shiva Checklist

• Notify employers of needs for family leave.
• Contact the synagogue of the departed person and/or of the mourners regarding the shiva, in order set a schedule of services, to assure 10 adults at services (if applicable), and to ask for assistance with other practical arrangements.
• Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends and extended family.
• Create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
• Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and people in the neighborhood.
• It can be helpful to have groceries and other necessary items delivered over the course of the week.
• If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services, and kippot (head-coverings) for guests.
• For mourners who wish to observe all the shiva traditions (such as covering the mirrors in the home), more information is available here.

Other To Do’s

• Post an obituary in the local and/or Jewish newspapers. Obituaries may be posted either before or after a funeral.
• Designate a charitable organization(s) to receive donations in the name of the lost loved one.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

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READ: How To Be the World’s Best Shiva Guest

Comforters are obligated to tend to the needs of mourners. For instance, since a family sitting shiva [seven days of mourning following a death] should not prepare meals, it is the responsibility of the community to feed them. Some people send prepared foods from local caterers, and many Jewish newspapers carry ads for “shiva trays.” With our busy, frenetic lives, it is certainly convenient to turn to these sources. Yet personally prepared and/or delivered food is a more traditional act of comfort. Liquor, candy, or flowers are not usually sent. A donation to a charity designated by the mourners would be another appropriate way to honor the deceased, while comforting those who mourn.

As a comforter, making a shiva call is one of the most important acts of condolence. But all too often those visiting a mourner’s home are not sure of the appropriate behavior. David Techner, funeral director at the Ira Kaufman Chapel in Detroit and a leading expert in the field, suggests that many people do not have the slightest idea as to why they even make the shiva call. “People need to ask themselves: ‘What am I trying to do?’ When people say things like, ‘At least he’s not suffering,’ who are they trying to make comfortable? Certainly not the mourner. People say things like that so that they do not have to deal with the mourner’s grief. The comment is for themselves, not the mourner.”

In my interviews with rabbis, funeral directors, psychologists, and lay people for my book, A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, I discovered that the act of comforting the mourner is quickly becoming a lost art. We do not know what to do, so many people avoid making a shiva call altogether. We do not know what to say, so many people say things that are more hurtful than helpful. We do not know how to act, so often the atmosphere is more festive than reflective.

The problem is exacerbated by mourners and their families who do not know how to set an appropriate tone. Many observances have become like parties, with plenty of food, drink, and chitchat. Of course, there are alternatives. In some shiva homes, the minyan [prayer service with at least 10 Jews, where the mourner says Kaddish, the memorial prayer] becomes the focus. During the service [or just before and just after it], the life of the deceased is remembered through stories and anecdotes.

Practical Tips for Shiva Visits

Whichever type of shiva home you encounter, there are some basic guidelines for making a shiva call.

Decide when to visit. Listen for an announcement at the funeral service for the times that the mourners will be receiving guests. Usually the options are immediately after the funeral, around the minyanim in the evenings and mornings, or during the day. Should you wish to visit during another time, you may want to call ahead. Some experienced shiva visitors choose to visit toward the end of the week, when it is frequently more difficult to gather a minyan.

Dress appropriately. Most people dress as if attending a synagogue service. Depending on the area of the country, more informal dress might be just as appropriate.

Wash your hands. If you are visiting immediately after the funeral, you will likely see a pitcher of water, basin, and towels near the door. It is traditional to ritually wash your hands upon returning from the cemetery. This reflects the belief that contact with the dead renders a person “impure.” There is no blessing to say for this act.

Just walk in. Do not ring the doorbell. The front door of most shiva homes will be left open or unlocked, since all are invited to comfort the mourners. This eliminates the need for the mourners to answer the door. On a practical level, it avoids the constant disruptive ringing of the bell.

Take food to the kitchen. If you are bringing food, take it to the kitchen. Usually there will be someone there to receive it. Identify the food as meat, dairy, or pareve [neither meat nor dairy]. Be sure to put your name on a card or on the container so that the mourners will know you made the gift. It also helps to mark any pots or pans with your name if you want to retrieve them later.

Find the mourners. Go to the mourners as soon as possible. What do you say? The tradition suggests being silent, allowing the mourner to open the conversation. Simply offering a hug, a kiss, a handshake, an arm around the shoulder speaks volumes. If you do want to open a conversation, start with a simple “I’m so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say. This must be really difficult for you” or “I was so sorry to hear about _______.” Be sure to name the deceased. Why? Because one of the most powerful ways to comfort mourners is to encourage them to remember the deceased.

Recall something personal: “I loved _______. Remember the times we went on vacation together? She adored you so much.” Do not tell people not to cry or that they will get over it. Crying is a normal part of the grieving process. And, as most people who have been bereaved will tell you, you never “get over” a loss, you only get used to it.

Spend anywhere from a few moments to 10 minutes with the mourners. There will be others who also want to speak with them, and you can always come back. If you are the only visitor, then, of course, spend as much time as you wish.

Participate in the service. If a prayer service is conducted during your call, participate to the extent you can. If you do not know the service, sit or stand respectfully while it is in progress. If the rabbi or leader asks for stories about the deceased, do not hesitate to share one, even if it is somewhat humorous. The entire purpose of shiva is to focus on the life of the person who has died and his or her relationship to the family and friends in that room.

If invited, eat. Take your cue from the mourners. In some homes, no food will be offered, nor should you expect to eat anything. In others, especially after the funeral, food may be offered. Be sure that the mourners have already eaten the meal of condolence before you approach the table. When attending a morning minyan, you will likely be invited to partake of a small breakfast. After evening minyan, coffee and cake may or may not be served. In any case, should you be invited to eat, be moderate in your consumption. Normally, guests are not expected to eat meals with the family during the shiva.

Talk to your friends. Inevitably, you will encounter other friends and acquaintances at a house of mourning. Your natural instinct will be to ask about them, to share the latest joke, to shmooze about sports or politics. You may be standing with a plate of food and a drink, and if you did not know better, it would feel like a party. But the purpose of the shiva is to comfort the mourners.

You are in the home to be a member of the communal minyan. The appropriate topic of conversation is the deceased. Reminisce about his or her relationship to the mourners and to you. Of course, human nature being what it is, we tend to fall into our normal modes of social communication. This is not necessarily bad; however, you should be careful to avoid raucous humor, tasteless jokes, loud talk, and gossip.

Do not stay too long. A shiva visit should be no more than an hour. If a service is held, come a few minutes before and stay a few after. Mourners uniformly report how exhausted they are by the shiva experience; do not overstay your welcome.

Say goodbye. When you are ready to leave, you may want to wish the bereaved good health and strength, long life, and other blessings. The formal farewell to a mourner is the same Hebrew phrase offered at the gravesite and in the synagogue on Friday evening: “May God comfort you among the other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

Once again, the message is “we are not alone.” In fact, traditional Jewish practice requires a minyan of 10 in order to recite the Kaddish prayer. Personal bereavement is thus seen in the total context of the community.Ha-Makom is a name of God that literally means “the place,” referring to God’s omnipresent nature, including at the lifecycles from birth to death. It is only God who can grant the mourner lasting comfort. The comforter comes to remind the mourners that the divine powers of the universe will enable them to heal and go on with a meaningful life. Ultimate consolation comes only from the omnipresent God.

The great genius of Jewish bereavement is to empower the community to be God’s partner in comforting those who mourn. In making a shiva call in an appropriate and traditional way, we are the medium through which God’s comfort can be invoked. In learning the art of coping with dying, we are, in fact, learning an important aspect of the art of Jewish living.

Reprinted with permission from Wrestling with the Angel: Jewish Insights on Death and Mourning, edited by Jack Riemer (published by Schocken Books).

To read this article, “How to Make a Shiva Call,” in Spanish (lee en Español), click here.

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Mourning for a Friend

Whether expected or not, the death of a friend is a devastating loss which can lead to heightened emotions and, at times, depression. It is important to acknowledge and deal with these emotions early on and allow oneself time to grieve. Joining relatives of the deceased in their mourning traditions and comforting them in a respectful manner is a wonderful way to begin the healing process. Focusing on memories, rather than the loss, and doing something in the friend’s honor can also be helpful.

If a professional, such as a family doctor, lawyer, or accountant with whom there is a close relationship dies, it is appropriate to inquire with the family about services and making a shiva call. A donation or condolence item for mourners is a meaningful gesture and a symbol of appreciation for the years of service provided by the decedent. A donation to a designated charity, hospital, or other institution that was important to the individual shows the mourning family that the deceased had a lasting impact on a person’s life.

When an Ex-Spouse Dies

Divorces and separations are often difficult and emotionally damaging for families. Regardless of the circumstances, it is important to acknowledge and respect the time shared with the individual. Former spouses should be prepared to attend services, make a shiva call, and comfort the family in an appropriate and thoughtful manner. A former spouse’s behavior is even more important when children are involved. It is crucial that an appropriate and respectful example of honoring the deceased and comforting the family be set by the parent. Past issues, hard feelings, or difficult times with the former spouse who has died should not be discussed during the grieving period.

Many customs associated with Jewish mourning differ according to the grieving family’s spiritual traditions and beliefs. As a former member of the deceased’s immediate family, a former spouse should be mindful of the traditions and practices that the family upholds.

Reprinted with permission from  shiva.com

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The traditional end of shiva occurs on the seventh day of mourning (the sixth day after the funeral). Following the principle that part of a day counts as a day, most mourners conclude shiva on that morning–after services, if they are engaging in daily prayer.

The most common end-of-shiva practice today in many communities is for the mourner(s), on the morning of the last day of shiva, accompanied and even assisted by a friend or friends, to literally “get up from shiva.” The mourners rise from the low seat of the shiva week and confinement at home, and go for a walk around the block or its equivalent. In some communities, the friends recite the formula of consolation (“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem”) and then say to the mourner(s), “Arise.”

Mourners who, following traditional law, have not been wearing leather shoes now put on regular shoes, replace the torn clothing or remove the badge of torn cloth they wore during shiva, and set out to encounter once again the world beyond the home where they have been largely confined.

Sociologist Samuel Heilman, in When a Jew Dies, reports that “[a]mong the Lubavitcher Hasidim the drama is extended. The consolers leave the room [on the morning of the last day] with the… words of consolation.… Then, however, they reenter the room in which the mourners have arisen from their shiva in order to greet them with the verse, ‘May the Almighty mend all that tears his people, Israel,’ and then to wish for long years of life for those who have mourned.”

Other sources cite two alternative verses that the comforters may recite. Both are from the last chapters of Isaiah: “Your sun shall set no more, your moon no more withdraw; for the Lord shall be a light to you forever, and your days of mourning shall be ended” (60:20) and, “As a mother comforts her son, so I will comfort you; you shall find comfort in Jerusalem” (66:13).

For those whose shiva ends on Shabbat (after a Sunday funeral), most authorities agree that the outdoor walk is unnecessary. No public mourning restrictions apply on Shabbat, so the mourner(s) would anyway presumably be outside, interacting with others in the usual fashion.

Re-entry into Life

The walk outdoors serves two purposes: It announces to the world that the mourner is re-entering the public sphere, and it provides support for the mourner making that transition from withdrawal to engagement in society.

Heilman sees a parallel between the preparation of the deceased’s body for burial and the work of the friends who assist the mourner in rising and rejoining society: “Replaying the moment during the tahara when the dead were prepared by the living to leave behind their own mortality, the mourners are urged by the living to … ‘remove the filthy garments’ [Zechariah 3:4]. With this charge, they immediately change out of their torn garments and then, preparing for their passage out of mourning, place shoes upon their feet. In the process they are undergoing their own tahara, or purification from death.”

By these acts, the mourners assert that they choose not to join the departed but instead to remain, alive and active, in the world once enriched by the presence of their loved ones and now diminished by their loss.

Peretz Rodman is a Jerusalem-based rabbi, teacher, writer, editor, and translator. He was a founding editor of MyJewishLearning.com.

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The washing is performed with a cup of water poured alternatively on both hands; as with the shovel at the filling of the grave, the cup is not passed directly from hand to hand.

It is the obligation of the community to provide a meal of condolence (seudat havra’ah) for the mourners on their return from the cemetery. Indeed, the Jerusalem Talmud criticized neighbors who left the bereaved to prepare their own meal, cursing them for being so callous to the plight of the mourners.

What types of food are traditionally eaten?

Upon returning from the funeral to the home where shiva will be observed, it is traditional to ritually wash one’s hands with water from a pitcher placed outside the door. This custom is based on the biblical concept that contact with a corpse is a major cause of ritual impurity (Num. 19:11). It also stresses that Judaism is concerned with the value and dignity of life, rather than excessive attention to or worship of the dead.

It is customary to serve foods that are round to symbolize the cyclical and continuous nature of life. Among the most common are hard-boiled eggs (a symbol of the close connection between life and death), lentils, garbanzo beans, and even bagels.

According to some, the egg is the only food that hardens the longer it is cooked, stressing that human beings must learn to steel themselves when death occurs. Similarly, the egg is completely sealed inside its shell, reminding the mourners to remain silent and refrain from casual talk.

Lentils are especially significant because, unlike most beans, they have no eye–symbolic of the deceased no longer being seen. Also, just as lentils have no mouth, so are mourners forbidden to open their mouths to greet people (Gen. Rabbah 63:14).

The critical importance of the meal of consolation to the mourners is that it is served by friends and other family members who care deeply for them. In modern times, guests now share in this meal, but it was once limited to those in mourning.

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Some basics of traditional mourning and burial practices:

•        A person who hears of the death of a parent, spouse, sibling, or child is referred to as an onen (literally “someone in between”) until the funeral.

•        The words “barukh dayan ha-emet” (“blessed is the true judge”) are uttered upon hearing the news, and a garment is torn.

•        The body of the deceased is washed and dressed for burial with great care by the hevra kaddisha (the sacred burial society).

•        The funeral–which may take place at a funeral home, in a synagogue, or at the graveside–usually includes the short prayer El Maleh Rahamim (“God full of compassion”), as well as the recitation of psalms, and a hesped, or eulogy.

•        The burial is framed by other liturgical elements, including the recitation of a special version of the Kaddish prayer, often thought of as the “mourner’s prayer.”

•        Mourners and others participate in covering the casket with dirt. Mourners leave the graveside first, and others say to them the traditional words, “May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

•        Mourning takes place in several periods, each successively less intense. It includes shiva, seven days during which mourners are visited at home by family and community, and participate in prayer services held at home; sheloshim, the first 30 days of mourning, during which mourners return to their normal routine but refrain from many customary pleasurable activities; and, for those who have lost a parent, 11months of aveilut (mourning), during which Kaddish is recited daily.

•        A tombstone may be erected or uncovered at any time; an “unveiling” is often done a year after the death.

•        The anniversary of death, or yahrzeit, is observed each year, and the deceased is remembered four times annually during Yizkor services (from the word “to remember”) on the holidays of Passover, Shavuot, Yom Kippur, and Shemini Atzeret. (In many communities, Yizkor is also said on Rosh Hashanah, the second day of Sukkot, and the second day of Passover.)

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What I did have to ponder was my own embarrassment while forced to lead a prayer service praising God in a place where God’s love and power were so hidden, so missing. After all, each one of these homes sheltered families that had suffered the death of a beloved spouse, parent, or sibling. How could I expect these peo­ple to be willing to praise God’s greatness, to extol God’s power, or to express gratitude for God’s goodness. Still aching from the pain of death and separation, these mourners could no longer view God as either benefactor or friend.

Perhaps it was just such a moment of rage and sorrow that originally generated the Yiddish expression, “If God lived on earth, all God’s windows would get broken.”

Yet it was precisely into those homes–homes filled with rage at God’s impotence, homes tormented by an overwhelming abandonment and isolation–that Judaism compelled me to stand and to sing of God’s enduring love and incomparable power.

In a home that reeled from the loss of a wife and mother, one of its pillars of purpose, meaning, and identity–into that home I had to proclaim the continuing habitability of the universe, the benefi­cent purpose underlying God’s creation.

And in homes ripped from communal moorings, uncertain of the continuing relevance of friends, community, or Jewish fellow­ship–into precisely those homes poured friends and congregants, awkwardly reciting the phrases and melodies of our timeless tradi­tion. Did this strange practice make any more sense to them than it did to me?

I, leading the prayers at the front of the minyan, represented the anomaly of God’s love in a place bereft of love, of God’s purpose in a home torn by the random cruelty of finitude and mortality, of God’s covenanted community in a place isolated by loneliness.

Small wonder, then, at my embarrassment and discomfort. Leading the minyan of mourners in what could only feel like a “prayer of the absurd,” forcing mourners to mouth words they would hardly mean, I, and they, needed to confront our puzzle­ment and frustration at a tradition that imposed this farce on me, this outrage on them. Despite the gap between the mourner’s embittered frustration and the rooted piety of Jewish tradition, I and my congregants were obligated to bring our minyan, our prayers, and our presence to these hurting people. Why?

Why does Judaism mandate seven days of minyanim in the home of a mourning family?

Let’s start with the reality of loss and rage following the death of a lifelong spouse or a beloved sibling. For the person left behind, a jagged hole looms in the center of the heart, an empty space in the depths of the soul. Having built a life around the pres­ence and cheer of one who was deeply cherished, we can only rage against a universe in which such horrors as this death too fre­quently occur. The Mishnah’s admission that “we cannot understand either the tranquility of the wicked or the suffering of the righteous” provides no comfort, only the recognition of an often bleak and unfair reality. Not without logic, amorphous fury at what has transpired is often directed against God. After all, how can there be a God or how can God claim to be good if this outrage could happen to one so needed, so loved?

It’s difficult enough to endure the death of a loved one, but to simultaneously lose the comfort of God’s love, to exclude the strength and endurance that can emerge from opening one’s heart to God, from sharing one’s pain with the source of all comfort, can only make a painful situation excruciating. As Psalm 42 observes, “Day and night, tears are my nourishment, taunted all day with ‘Where is your God?'” Isn’t that precisely the crisis that every mourner faces? Just when God is most needed, the tragedy that produces such pressing need also renders the divine presence least accessible.

One central function of the shiva minyan, then, is to restore access to God’s love. Words often remain superficial, and sermons regularly fail to penetrate the recesses of the human heart. But the silent presence of fellow Jews, the simple gesture of sitting together or offering an outstretched hand speaks more eloquently than the most lofty speech. God’s presence cannot be articulated or alluded to. But it can be demonstrated. Just by being there, we embody God’s love, and we make that love tangible. “To You, God, silence is praise.”

Think again of the mourner’s devastation in the wake of death. Not only is receptivity to God’s love diminished, but a healthy sense of purpose and a willingness to trust is shattered as well. It is relatively easy to rely on the habitability of the universe while loved ones thrive. It may feel effortless to maintain a buoyant spirit and a cheerful countenance when blessed with health, companion­ship, and prosperity. But with the death of a loved one, our facade of control dissolves into fantasy. Suddenly, the world we inhabit appears random at best, cruel or deceitful at worst.

Life no longer makes sense. Without conviction, without an affirmation of purpose or meaning, human life becomes impossible. When the psalmist says, “Were it not for the Lord, I would have perished,” he is using biblical language to maintain that we cannot flourish in a random world. Chaos is the enemy of our ability to thrive.

Into a family assaulted by chaos, battered by unjustifiable loss, the shiva minyan asserts continuing purpose, affirms a world view that stands in the face of death and proclaims the imperative of life, acting on the biblical charge for “one generation to laud God’s works to another.” Precisely by reciting prayers that acclaim God’s goodness, we assert our determination to endure, to comfort, and to blossom. The shiva minyan restores a lost vision of how to live, how to retain order and direction in a shattered world.

Finally, a significant component of a mourner’s devastation is the severed sense of belonging. Having lost one of the closest ties to the outside world, one of the most intimate of relationships, the mourner flounders in lonely isolation. Abandonment sets the somber tone of the mourner’s mood.

It’s impossible to be a Jew alone. While sociologists confirm that human identity is formed in community, and object-relations psychology teaches that even an infant’s sense of self derives from its interactions with others, nowhere is that need more pressing than in the isolation of a mourner. And nowhere is the assumption of community more pervasive than in the world of traditional Judaism.

The mourner, then, reels from the universal and human loss of context and belonging–a loss made more acute by the particular way Jews generally can presume the support of their community. The shiva minyan–because it occurs in the home, because it is composed of friends and fellow congregants–does more than remind the mourner of membership in a larger community. It creates that community–precisely where it is most needed. By physically entering the isolation of the mourner, the shiva minyan dispels it.

For all these reasons, the shiva minyan is needed most where is desired least. In a place of anger, the practice of shiva offers acceptance and love. To a heart adrift, the shiva minyan restores direction. And to the agony of individual pain, the shiva minyan creates a portable and persistent community.

The kabbalists [Jewish mystics] spoke well when they pointed out that the only way to gather the shattered sparks of divine light–now held by the forces of chaos and despair–was to enter the sitra ahra, the side of darkness. The only place to provide healing, comfort, and an abiding sense of God’s love and communal support is in the home of the mourner.

“Out of the depths, I called to You, Lord.” And it is out of the depths that healing, community, and solace can hope to emerge.

Reprinted with permission from Wrestling with the Angel: Jewish Insights on Death and Mourning, edited by Jack Riemer (published by Schocken Books).

Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson is the Dean of the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies at the University of Judaism in Los Angeles. He is the author of The Bedside Torah: Wisdom, Dreams, & Visions (McGraw Hill).

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There are seven relatives for whom a Jew is required to observe shiva: father or mother, sister or brother, son or daughter, and spouse.

During the shiva week, three prayer services are conducted daily at the mourners’ house. The synagogue to which the mourning family belongs usually undertakes to ensure that a minyan (at least 10 adult Jews) be present at each service. Among Orthodox Jews, a male mourner leads the service and recites the Kaddish prayer for the dead. Some Orthodox, and virtually all non-Orthodox, Jews encourage women to recite the Kaddish as well.

According to Jewish law, there is a specific etiquette for paying a shiva visit. Visitors are to enter quietly, take a seat near the mourner, and say nothing until the mourner addresses them first. This has less to do with ritual than with common sense: The visitor cannot know what the mourner most needs at that moment. For example, the visitor might feel that he or she must speak about the deceased, but the mourner might feel too emotionally overwrought to do so. Conversely, the visitor might try to cheer the mourner by speaking of a sports event or some other irrelevancy at just the moment when the mourner’s deepest need is to speak of the dead. And, of course, the mourner might just wish to sit quietly and say nothing at all.

READ: How To Be the World’s Best Shiva Guest

Unfortunately, people frequently violate this Jewishly mandated procedure. Particularly if the deceased was very old, the atmosphere at a shiva house often becomes inappropriately lighthearted, as Jews also try to avoid confronting the fact of death.

Mourners must not shave, take a luxurious bath, wear leather shoes (which Jewish tradition regards as particularly comfortable), have sex, or launder their clothes during the week of shiva. If the family of the deceased is in desperate economic circumstances, its members are permitted to return to work after three days of mourning.

In the past, when the Jewish community was less affluent, this leniency was utilized more frequently. Solomon Luria, a great Polish rabbinical scholar of the 16th century, was asked by a melamed (a teacher who tutored young boys in Hebrew) if he might return to work before shiva was complete; otherwise he feared the parents would hire another teacher for their children. Rabbi Luria gave him permission on the grounds that his livelihood was at stake and on the further, rather pathetically humorous, grounds that since a Hebrew teacher’s life is quite miserable, everyone would know he was not returning to work out of pleasure.

This article is reprinted with permission from Jewish Literacy (HarperCollins Publishers).

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

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