While Jewish tradition maintains that human life is of infinite value and that its preservation and extension overrides virtually every other religious imperative, relieving pain and allowing for the soul’s peaceful departure are also values well-established in Jewish tradition. Of course there is a moral distinction between hastening death and removing obstacles to its natural progression, but in practice the difference isn’t always easy to discern.

Below is a general overview of a number of issues that commonly arise at life’s end — and how Jewish authorities have weighed in on them. Jewish thinkers often emphasize that specific cases vary substantially and must be considered individually. And while weight is always given to a patient’s wishes, those who are concerned about complying with Jewish law are always urged to consult with trusted advisers.

Artificial Nutrition/Hydration

For patients unable to eat or drink, doctors can provide food and water intravenously or through a feeding tube. This is a common situation faced by those with advanced-stage dementia. Most Orthodox authorities generally consider nutrition, hydration and oxygen — even if artificially provided by a feeding tube or ventilator — to constitute essential human needs that should never be discontinued as long as they are effective. This position is was also reflected in the 1990 paper on end-of-life care authored by Conservative Rabbi Avram Reisner. However, the Conservative movement’s religious law authorities also endorsed a paper by Rabbi Elliot Dorff, who advanced several possible justifications for removing artificial nutrition and hydration for the terminally ill, among them the contention that a medically administered treatment that conveys food and water to the patient by tube is more properly regarded as medicine than as simple food and water.

Hospice

Hospice is a form of medical care for people suffering from terminal illnesses with a life expectancy of six months or less. Patients are typically referred to hospice care when further medical treatment is not expected to reverse the course of their disease and they elect instead to focus on therapies geared toward reducing pain and sustaining the highest quality of life for as long as possible. Jewish hospice programs are typically equipped to provide hospice services while abiding by Jewish traditions. Because hospice focuses on a patient’s quality of life rather than aggressive medical treatment, some Orthodox rabbis do not believe hospice conforms with Jewish tradition. However, not all Jewish authorities agree. Many contemporary Jewish authorities argue that Jewish tradition allows a focus on comfort and pain reduction and the eschewing of aggressive medical interventions in certain circumstances.

Do Not Resuscitate Orders

Known as DNRs, these are legally binding directives signed by doctors ordering medical professionals to withhold CPR or advanced life support in the event a patient’s heart stops functioning. DNRs are typically requested by patients who are elderly or are suffering from an advanced terminal illness that makes it unlikely they would survive CPR without a severely diminished condition. Some Jewish authorities consider these orders extremely problematic, as a patient needing CPR is in acute distress and could be saved, even for a brief period, with proper treatment. But given the often low success rate of resuscitation and the high likelihood of adverse effects for the elderly or those weakened by terminal illness, some authorities permit DNRs under certain conditions. Reisner, in his 1990 paper on treatment for the terminally ill, writes that it is proper to respect a patient’s DNR request in cases where it is not possible to restore “a full measure of life.”

Advance Directives

These are documents specifying a person’s wishes concerning medical care in the event they are unable to make such decisions for themselves and/or appointing a health care proxy to make decisions on their behalf. The laws concerning advance directives vary considerably from state to state. A number of state-specific forms are available here. In addition, both Conservative and Orthodox Jewish versions of advanced directives are available, some of which explicitly state a person’s desire to have Jewish law and custom respected in their health care choices. There is typically also space to name a specific rabbi to be consulted when making such choices.

Experimental Therapies

While most Jewish authorities would require a patient to submit to a therapy if it is known to be effective at curing their condition, this is not the case with respect to experimental treatments whose success rate and potentially adverse side effects are not known. These can include treatments whose effectiveness has yet to be demonstrated in clinical trials, or new drugs whose safety and effectiveness have not yet been established. Jewish authorities from across the denominational spectrum support the right of a patient to refuse treatment that is risky or of unproven value. Equally, a patient who desires to undertake an experimental therapy in the hope of being cured is permitted to do so even if there are risks involved. According to some authorities, this is even the case with a hazardous treatment that may itself result in death. Dorff writes that it is permissible to undertake a hazardous therapy if it presents a “reasonable chance” of cure, even if it simultaneously poses a risk of hastening death if it fails.

Refusing Treatment

Jewish tradition generally requires that every effort be made to sustain and extend life, but that position is not absolute. In cases where diseases are incurable, and medical interventions would be risky, painful, of uncertain efficacy or serve merely to prolong a life of unbearable physical or psychic pain, there is support in Jewish tradition for an individual’s right to reject such treatment. This was the reasoning behind the Reform Rabbinate 2008 ruling that a lung cancer patient did not have to submit to chemotherapy that could extend her life by three months, but only at a cost of significant pain and suffering. Within the liberal denominations, there is broad respect for individual autonomy in making decisions concerning health care, including the right to refuse care if the patient feels it would not be effective or would be too painful. Among Orthodox authorities, there is also support for refusing treatment in situations where it would not cure the patient but would only prolong individual suffering.

Praying to Die

Taking active steps to hasten death are prohibited in Jewish law, but praying for death is another matter. The 14th-century Catalonian Talmud scholar Rabbenu Nissim, commenting on the talmudic story in which the maidservant of Rabbi Yehuda Hanasi prays for his death, observes: “There are times when one should pray for the sick to die, such as when the sick one is suffering greatly from his malady and his condition is terminal.” (Nedarim 40a:2) The Jewish bioethicist J. David Bleich has formulated it this way: “Although man must persist in his efforts to prolong life, he may, nevertheless, express human needs and concerns through the medium of prayer. There is no contradiction whatsoever between acting upon an existing obligation and pleading to be relieved of further responsibility.”

Withdrawing life support

Many Jewish legal experts believe it is permissible to withhold advanced life-support measures from terminally ill patients. However, once such measures have been provided, withdrawing them to let natural death occur becomes more problematic. While there are grounds in Jewish law for withholding advanced life-support measures from terminally ill patients, once such measures have been provided, withdrawing them to let natural death occur becomes more problematic. As a general rule, withdrawing life support is not permitted in traditional readings of Jewish law. However, there are many contemporary Jewish authorities who consider a person to be dead if activity in their brain stem stops. If such a patient were kept “alive” only by means of medical machinery, these authorities would permit those machines to be disconnected. For those seeking to adhere to more traditional interpretations of Jewish law, there have been some interpretations used by rabbinical medical experts, that have been applied to withdraw treatment in cases where a patient is entirely dependent on machines for breathing and blood circulation and has little hope for recovery. However, it must be considered on a case by case basis, informed by accurate information between the physician, rabbi and family.

Organ Donation

Jewish authorities from across the spectrum of religious observance, from Reform to ultra-Orthodox, support the lifesaving potential of organ donation, with some authorities going so far as to suggest that Jewish tradition mandates organ donation. Traditional requirements — such as burying the dead quickly, avoiding defilement or benefit from a dead body — that would seem to preclude organ donation are superseded by its lifesaving potential. The Halachic Organ Donor Society (an organization for Jews who want to strictly comply with Jewish law) offers an organ donor card that specifically states that any transplant procedures be conducted in consultation with the deceased’s rabbi. The Conservative movement has a similar card.

Euthanasia/Assisted Suicide

Most Jewish authorities adamantly reject euthanasia or assisted suicide of any kind. Taking active steps to hasten one’s death is considered tantamount to suicide, while assisting another to do so may be considered murder. A number of Reform rabbis have challenged this view, questioning the validity of the commonly drawn distinction between active measures to hasten death and merely withholding treatment or removing impediments to death. Peter Knobel, a prominent Reform rabbi and past president of the movement’s rabbinical association, has argued that in certain cases, active euthanasia may even be a praiseworthy act, however this remains a decidedly minority view. Over the years, the Reform rabbinate has repeatedly reiterated its opposition to euthanasia and assisted suicide.

Truth-Telling

While honesty is a well-established imperative in Jewish tradition, there is ample precedent for the idea that full disclosure of a terminal diagnosis ought to be withheld from a patient since it may sap their will to live. Various biblical sources are cited in support of this idea, including the prophet Elisha’s response to the query of Ben Haddad, in which the prophet told the king he would recover from his illness though he knew the opposite was true. The Shulchan Aruch rules that, while a person near death is instructed to confess their sins, they must also be reassured that many have confessed their sins and not died. (Yoreh Deah: 338) Bleich has gone so far as to suggest that a doctor not only refrain from conveying information that might cause a patient to despair and thereby hasten their death, but he must continue to “feign medical aid even though there is no medical purpose in his ministrations.”

End-of-life decisions can be challenging, particularly for those who wish to ensure that the decisions comply with traditional Jewish law. And, while there are areas of consensus, there are also differences in how Jewish leaders interpret relevant Jewish teachings and texts. While the article provides an overview, we encourage families concerned with abiding by Jewish practices and beliefs when facing these difficult decisions to consult with trusted spiritual leaders for advice.

Resources

Articles

“Jewish Ritual, Reality and Response at the End of Life: A Guide to Caring for Jewish Patients and Their Families” by Rabbi Mark A. Popovsky

“End of Life: Jewish Perspectives” By Rabbi Elliot Dorff

“Advanced Illness and Orthodox Jewish Law: Approaches to Communication and Medical Decision Making”

Reform movement discussion guide on end-of-life issues

Halachic Guidelines to Assist Patients and their Families in Making “End-of-Life” Medical Decisions

“Does Judaism Allow Organ Donation?”

Advance Directives / Living Wills

Rabbinical Council of America (Modern Orthodox) Health Care Proxy Form

Agudath Israel of America (Haredi Orthodox) Halachic Living Will

Rabbinical Assembly (Conservative movement) medical directive

Jewish living wills for specific states

Halachic Organ Donor Card (HODS)

Conservative movement organ donor card

Organizations

National Institute for Jewish Hospice

Chayim Aruchim: The Center for Culturally Sensitive Health Advocacy and Counseling

Kavod v’Nichum

Chevra Kadisha Registry

National Independent Jewish Funeral Directors

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To help you better understand the various issues that may arise, both in a general and Jewish context, the list below explains terms you are likely to encounter. Click here to skip directly to the Jewish terms. You also may want to review our Must-Know Jewish Death and Mourning Terms.

General Terms

Advance Directive: A document that is legally binding (if signed by witnesses or notarized), in which one makes one’s healthcare goals, values and preferences known. There are different types of written advance directives used in healthcare: the “living will,” “ health care proxy” or “MOLST/POLST.” Each fulfills a different role, and hence a different need.

• Living Will: This type of advance directive document includes specific instructions regarding one’s goals, values and preferences as they relate to various treatment options and circumstances. This was the very first kind of advance directive, developed in the 1960s, and it is what many people think of when they hear the phrase “advance directive.” There are various versions of “living wills,” including Jewish living wills issued by different denominations. 
• Healthcare Proxy: This is a document in which an individual assigns another person or persons the authority to serve as his or her surrogate — that is, to speak on one’s behalf when one lacks the capacity to do so — and hence to represent the patient when medical decisions need to be made and values-based input from and about the patient is crucial.
• Combined “living will” and “healthcare proxy” documents: Often referred to as “advance healthcare directives,” these documents combine the two above types into a single document. Most documents used nowadays in the United States are of this type, including those encouraged by various state laws. The current Orthodox forms are this type of document; their primary goal is simply to appoint a proxy, but they also include some mention of the patient’s values.
• MOLST/POLST (Medical/Physician’s Order for Life-Sustaining Treatment: A physician-initiated medical order form that begins with a conversation between the patient and doctor, based on the patient’s current condition. It assures the patient’s wishes regarding life-sustaining treatment will be carried out and is generally used for patients who are seriously ill. The MOLST is a durable form that travels with the patient and is honored across different care settings.

Chaplaincy/Pastoral Care: Most hospitals and hospices in the United States have chaplains available to provide spiritual care. Chaplains are clergy members who are ordained in their own faith tradition but have also undergone rigorous training to become interfaith practitioners. They function as an integral part of the interdisciplinary healthcare team. A professional chaplain can become board certified through various professional chaplaincy organizations including the Jewish chaplaincy organization, Neshama: Association of Jewish Chaplains.” Chaplaincy is based on the understanding that healing involves the whole person — body, mind and soul — and it attempts to support patients, their loved ones, and staff. This is done by spending time with patients and families and providing a compassionate, non-anxious, non-judgmental presence. Chaplains are trained to listen deeply and help patients and families sort through their spiritual and emotional distress and questions. At times, chaplains may provide a spiritual perspective, prayer or blessing if the patient or family so desires. At other times the chaplain participates in lifecycle events, holiday observances, healing rituals and celebrations. Chaplains who share a patient’s religion can often offer more specific rituals and interventions, but even chaplains of another faith tradition can often provide general support.

Code Status: Code status refers to the level of medical interventions a patient wants to have started if their heart or breathing stops. A code is called when a patient goes into cardiac or respiratory arrest. If a person chooses “DNR” (see below), that is also known as “no code.” There are also numerous other codes which vary based on the situation and healthcare setting often with a name, and sometimes a corresponding color code.

Curative Care: As opposed to hospice, which focuses on symptom and pain management, “curative care” is any medical intervention seeking to treat patients with the intent of curing them, not just reducing their pain or stress. An example of curative care would be chemotherapy, which is often used to cure cancer patients.

DNR: A DNR (Do Not Resuscitate), or sometimes referred to as “DNAR” (Do Not Attempt Resuscitation), is a medical order  indicating that if the patient’s heart stops beating (cardiac arrest), the medical staff should not initiate CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation) through chest compressions or electronic defibrillation, but should instead allow death to occur naturally. Similarly, a DNR order usually indicates that if the patient stops breathing (respiratory arrest), the medical staff will not initiate artificial (mechanical) respiration by inserting a tube into the lungs (intubation) and then connecting that tube to a mechanical ventilator. Natural death is then allowed to occur.

Healthcare Agent (also sometimes referred to as “surrogate decision maker”): A healthcare agent is someone close to the patient who the patient trusts to communicate his or her healthcare wishes and make sure that the patient always has a say in their treatment plan. Different states have varying rules regarding who is the automatic decision maker on behalf of a patient if nobody has been selected ahead of time. If you are unable to (or choose not to) participate in decision making about your healthcare, your healthcare agent plays a very important role. Some of the things a healthcare agent may be asked to do include meeting with medical providers to talk about your health, medications and interventions, and then deciding when/where you will get care. A healthcare agent will also be the one to ensure that your wishes are followed (or speak on your behalf, if you have not expressed your wishes) about medical interventions, organ donation, autopsy and funeral arrangements etc. The healthcare agent should be identified in a patient’s Advance Directive.

Hospice Care: This service is specifically designed for patients who are expected to live six months or less. Hospice focuses on managing the pain and symptoms associated with dying, and patients being cared for by hospice must generally forgo all major curative treatments. However, hospice patients can in most cases still receive routine medical care, such as nutrition and hydration, as well as antibiotics and other medical interventions, if they choose to. Hospice commonly takes place in a patient’s home, but a hospice patient can also be in a setting such as a nursing home, residential hospice facility or inpatient hospice unit in a hospital.

Life Support: This refers to various forms of medical technology/interventions utilized when one’s vital organs, such as brain, lungs, heart or kidneys are not functioning properly. The goal of life support is to serve as a bridge to help a critically ill patient survive an acute experience until they can recover. Unfortunately, not everyone on life support improves and can survive the withdrawal of life support. This often leads to an ethical dilemma regarding what should be done. When the family of the patient decides to withdraw life support, that act is sometimes referred to as “pulling the plug.”

Palliative Care: This is interdisciplinary care that focuses on decreasing pain (both physical and emotional) and improving quality of life in order to provide additional support to patients. In contrast to hospice care, palliative care can be initiated at any point during the course of illness, including at the time of diagnosis, and for patients of any age who are living with any serious illness. In addition, palliative care may be provided along with all life-prolonging and disease-directed interventions. Thus, palliative care should not be viewed as pertaining only to end-of-life care, nor should it be assumed that palliative care implies that there is no hope for recovery or improvement in a patient’s condition. Palliative care is most frequently utilized in hospitals, but it can also be part of care in other settings, such as clinics, cancer centers, nursing homes and, increasingly, as part of home care.

Terminal/life-limiting illness: There is no standard clinical definition of “terminal,” although in contemporary medicine the word is often loosely used to refer to the prognosis of any patient with an incurable fatal disease. In hospice care, it is often defined as an illness expected to leave the afflicted with six months or less to live. Many clinicians suggest that “terminal illness” should be applied only to the condition of those patients who experienced clinicians expect will die from a lethal, progressive disease despite appropriate treatment and in a relatively short period of time, measured in days, weeks, or at most several months.

Jewish Terms

Bikkur Cholim (“bee-KOHR khoh-LEEM”): This refers to visiting the sick. In addition to being a nice thing to do, it is a mitzvah [meritorious religious act], assuming the patient is indeed up for visitors. Bikkur Cholim can be fulfilled in a variety of ways — in person, by phone, via Skype/Facetime or by sending a gift or a card. The goal should be providing support, assistance and companionship in the way that is most meaningful and beneficial to the patient. Many synagogues and Jewish communities have “bikkur cholim societies,” whose members visit the sick on behalf of the community.

Birkat Hagomel (“beer-KAHT ha-goh-MELL”: The “thanksgiving blessing,” traditionally recited by a person who has survived a life-threatening situation. It is often said in synagogue during the Torah service within a few days of one’s recovery. Find the text of the Birkat Hagomel here.

Chevra Kadisha “KHEV-ra ka-DEESH-uh”): This literally means “holy society.” It refers to the Jewish sacred burial society responsible for all matters related to ritual preparation of a body for burial.

Gosses (“GO-ses”): A dying person in their final moments or days of life, as their body begins to shut down. Jewish tradition mandates the utmost respect of a dying individual, particularly once they have been given the status of “gosses.”  

Mi Sheberakh (“MEE-sheh-BAY-rakh”): Literally translated as “may the God who blessed…” referring to the first words of the prayer, a Mi Sheberakh is the traditional Jewish prayer for healing. Although commonly recited in a synagogue,  it can be said anywhere, and typically includes a space to insert the name(s) of the person being prayed for. There is a classic Mi Sheberakh text, as well as many contemporary ones, in addition to numerous beautiful tunes that have been composed to its words. Find the words and listen to different versions here.

Neshama (“neh-shah-MAH” or neh-SHAH-mah): One of the Hebrew words for “soul.” Other words include “nefesh” and “ruach.” Judaism traditionally teaches that humans are made up of both body and soul, and that the immortal soul is our true self. The word neshama, in particular, refers to a human being’s animating life force, innermost essence and intellectual capacity, believed to have come directly from God having breathed life into our bodies. The Torah says in the account of creation:“God formed human out of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils a soul-breath of life (Nishmat Chaim). Human [thus] became a living creature (Nefesh Chaya).” (Genesis 2:7)

Nigun (“NEE-goon or nee-GOON”): A traditional Jewish melody, usually with no words, just the hum of various sounds. It is traditionally believed that because a nigun doesn’t have words, it isn’t constrained by the limitations of language and can thus be the holiest type of singing.

Olam Haba (“oh-LAHM hah-BAH”): These words mean “world to come” and refer to the afterlife, or heaven. While individual Jews and different denominations take varying positions on the existence of an afterlife, traditional Jewish belief affirms the notion of a spiritual world to come. What exactly that existence will be like, who gets to go there and who doesn’t, and various other questions are hotly debated. Judaism encourages us to maintain focus on this world and this life, which may be why the Torah doesn’t directly reference an afterlife. Nevertheless, the fact that historically Judaism does believe in an afterlife provides comfort for many people.

Shemirah (“sheh-MEE-rah or SHMEE-ruh”): Shemirah means to “guard” or “watch.” It refers to the traditional Jewish practice of ensuring that the deceased is not left alone prior to burial, by arranging for a shomer (guard) to watch over the body and recite psalms and prayers.

Siddur (“see-DOHR or SIDD-ur”): A Jewish prayer book. There are many types and formats and they contain various sorts of prayers. The word “siddur” comes from the root “seder,” meaning order, thus referring to the fact that it is a book containing the entire order of the prayers, including prayers for various occasions.

Tahara (“tah-HAR-ah”): This is the ritual washing of the body which is done by members of the chevra kadisha to prepare the body for burial. The word “tahara” literally means “purification” and includes cleansing, ritually washing and dressing the deceased’s body in burial shrouds (tachrichim). As tahara is being performed, it is customary to recite special prayers, asking God to bring the person’s soul to eternal rest in heaven.

Tehillim (“teh-HILL-im”): This literally means “praises” and refers to the biblical Book of Psalms. It is an ancient Jewish custom to recite various psalms during times of need or fear. Some believe that reciting psalms is so holy that even if one doesn’t understand what they are saying, simply reciting the words has power. Others have found comfort in relating their sorrow to the anxiety expressed by King David, who is traditionally credited with having written many of the psalms during challenging moments of his life.

Tzavah (“TZAH-vah”): Also known as an “ethical will,” this is an ancient Jewish practice in which a dying person documents the wisdom and lessons they have learned in their life, as well as their hopes and dreams for their family. An ethical will is often seen as both an opportunity to summarize one’s values and as a gift to one’s family to enable them to continue to learn from their loved one and be aware of what that person would want from them, even after he or she has left this world.

Viddui (vee-DOO-ee (oo as in boot)”): This literally means “confession,” and it generally refers to the prayer traditionally said at the end of life, in order for the dying person to leave this world in a state of purity, and to proclaim faith in God and God’s justice. Viddui is viewed as a way to repent, make amends and get one’s affairs in order before dying. The traditional Viddui text includes the hope that the patient will recover, such that Viddui may be recited again at a later point when necessary, and even many times throughout one’s life. Saying the Viddui can be seen as an opportunity to relieve some of the emotional burdens of unresolved conflicts or unrealized hopes so that one can experience a lightness of spirit and removal of regret. Viddui can be said as a beautiful and intimate prayer of affirming one’s beliefs, hopes, and values as one reaches a potential crossroads and focusing on making peace above and below. Find a Viddui text here.

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Does Judaism require life-prolonging interventions in all cases?

No. While some Jewish authorities are very stringent in these matters, there is ample support in Jewish tradition for ceasing interventions that offer no hope of cure and serve merely to delay death. The Talmud (Avodah Zarah 18a) offers support for this idea in the story of the second-century sage Rabbi Hanina ben Teradion, whom the Romans wrapped in a Torah scroll and set afire as punishment for teaching Torah. A damp piece of wool was placed on his chest to prolong the agony of his execution. When the executioner asked the rabbi if removing the wool and allowing the rabbi to die faster would grant the executioner a  life in the world to come, the rabbi said yes.  At that point, the executioner removed the wool and leaped into the flames. After both of them perished, a divine voice called out that both the rabbi and the executioner had been granted life in the world to come. 

A similar idea is conveyed in the ruling of Rabbi Moshe Isserles, known as the Rema, who in his commentary on the Shulchan Aruch writes that while it is strictly forbidden to take any active steps to hasten death, it is permissible to remove obstacles to the soul’s departure. The example given is of a sound — for example, the noise from a woodchopper — that can be stopped if it is preventing a dying person from departing. 

Does Judaism allow a person to turn down medical intervention?

Jewish tradition generally requires that every effort be made to sustain and extend life, but that position is not absolute. In cases where diseases cannot be cured and medical interventions would be risky, painful, of uncertain efficacy or serve merely to prolong a life of unbearable physical or psychic pain, there is support in Jewish law for an individual’s right to reject such treatment.

Within the Conservative and Reform movements, the autonomy of individuals to make decisions concerning their health care, including the right to refuse such care, is given broad standing. Two 1990 Conservative papers allow a patient to refuse treatment if the patient believes they cannot bear it and its efficacy is in doubt. In 2008, the Reform movement’s rabbinic authorities stated that a lung cancer patient was not obligated to undergo treatment that offered only three months of life extension while causing significant pain and suffering. “One is obligated to accept treatment that offers a reasonable prospect of therapeutic effectiveness, the attainment of an accepted medical purpose,” the statement read. “The purchase of an additional three months of life in a pain-filled and dying condition does not, in our judgment, meet that standard.” 

The 20th-century American Orthodox authority Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ruled that “those individuals whom the physicians recognize cannot be cured . . . but could receive medications to extend their lives, in which they would suffer, should not be given such medications.” The late Israeli authority Rabbi Shlomo Zalman Auerbach issued a similar ruling, stating that “it is reasonable that if the patient experiences great pain and suffering, or even extremely severe psychological pain … it is permissible to withhold medications that cause suffering to the patient if the patient so demands.” (Most Orthodox authorities do not consider nutrition, hydration and oxygen, even if artificially provided, to be medical treatments and generally do not permit them to be discontinued.)

Does hospice mean I’m giving up?

For many, the term “hospice” connotes resignation in the face of death and seems to run counter to the Jewish imperative to seek life and preserve it. However, various studies suggest that hospice patients often live longer and do better than those who opt for more aggressive treatment. A 2011 study of lung cancer patients found that hospice patients fared better on average than those who received more aggressive care. A 2007 study found that hospice patients diagnosed with congestive heart failure, lung cancer, pancreatic cancer and marginally significant colon cancer lived “significantly longer” than counterparts undergoing aggressive medical treatment. A 2010 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that for patients suffering from non-small-cell lung cancer, early palliative care after diagnosis appeared to prolong their life expectancy even as they received less aggressive end-of-life treatment.  

“Any good hospice program is geared to stretch or lengthen or try to manage one’s time based on the limitations,” says Rabbi Charles Rudansky, the director of pastoral care at MJHS Hospice and Palliative Care. “There’s no hospice that’s accredited that is hastening anyone’s demise.”

How do I ensure that hospice decisions are made in accordance with my wishes – Jewish or otherwise?

Hospice professionals advise patients to take a range of preparatory steps well before major decisions need to be made, including speaking with family, identifying priorities for end-of-life care and naming a health care proxy and possibly a rabbinic adviser to assist in ensuring decisions are made in conformity with religious requirements. Choosing a specifically Jewish hospice program may also make it easier to ensure that Jewish traditions and customs are respected. 

A number of Jewish organizations also offer advance directive forms (sometimes known as a living will or health care proxy) that allow patients to declare particular rabbinic advisers who should be consulted in making critical end-of-life care decisions.

Rabbinical Council of America (Modern Orthodox)

Agudath Israel of America (Haredi Orthodox)

Rabbinical Assembly (Conservative movement)

Living Wills for specific states

Is hospice discussed in Jewish texts?

Not explicitly. The modern concept of hospice care has been around only since the 1970s. However, in addition to the passages noted above, several other sources are commonly cited in support of a compassionate approach to palliating pain and allowing for a peaceful death.

Among the most frequently cited is a story recorded in the Talmud (Ketubot 104a) about Rabbi Yehuda Hanassi (Judah the Prince), the chief compiler of the Mishnah, who was dying of an apparent stomach ailment. The rabbis were praying for his recovery, but Rabbi Yehuda’s maidservant, noticing her boss’ distress, prayed for his death. Seeing that the prayers of the rabbis were acting as a sort of spiritual life-support keeping Rabbi Yehuda alive the maidservant ascended the roof of the house and threw down a jug — momentarily silencing the prayers and allowing the ailing rabbi to die. Commenting on this passage, the 14th-century Catalonian Talmud scholar Rabbenu Nissim observed: “There are times when one should pray for the sick to die, such as when the sick one is suffering greatly from his malady and his condition is terminal.” 

Another story, recorded in the Yalkut Shimoni, a compilation of Midrashic commentaries on the Bible, concerns a woman who came before the second-century sage Rabbi Jose ben Halafta and complained that she was old and sick, could no longer taste food and drink, and wished to die. The rabbi asked her which commandment she is grateful to perform each day, and she responded that it is the commandment of going to synagogue. The rabbi instructed her not to go for three days, the woman complied, and on the third day she died.

Is hospice compatible with Judaism?

Jewish tradition regards every moment of human life as infinitely valuable.

Rabbis from the more liberal denominations view hospice as a legitimate Jewish option for those suffering from terminal disease. The Reform movement has long endorsed hospice as a practice consistent with Jewish values. And both of the Conservative movement’s major papers on end-of-life care, adopted in 1990, endorse hospice as a life-affirming and, perhaps, even Jewishly preferable option.

“One may not choose hospice so as to die more quickly, but, rather, only in order to live one’s remaining days in the best way possible,” Rabbi Avram Reisner wrote in one of the Conservative documents. “As such, instructions to the hospice should clearly state that while only palliation is in order for the immediate incurable condition, other unrelated and curable conditions that may arise, such as infections, should be treated in line with standard medical care. Jewish hospice must be an attempt to live one’s best with dignity, not an attempt to speed an escape into death.”

Some authorities hold that hospice is antithetical to Jewish tradition since it entails rejecting aggressive medical interventions to cure terminal disease in favor of a focus on pain reduction and enhanced quality of life. These authorities often cite sources in Jewish law indicating that efforts to extend human life should be made even in cases where life can be extended only by a few moments. The Shulchan Aruch rules that the Torah mandates healing and that a physician who withholds such treatment is guilty of causing harm.

Many contemporary authorities, however, argue that Jewish tradition allows a focus on comfort and pain reduction and the eschewing of aggressive medical interventions in certain circumstances. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ruled that a patient may be referred to hospice if he or she requests it and is experiencing such intense physical or psychological pain that his or her quality of life is severely diminished. 

Does hospice raise any other Jewish concerns?

Yes. Jewish law generally mandates that a patient never be deprived of the most elemental forms of human sustenance — food, water and oxygen — even if they are artificially provided. (This position is not universal — some authorities consider feeding tubes and the like to be forms of medical intervention that can be withdrawn or rejected under certain conditions.) For hospice patients concerned about complying with Jewish law, it may be necessary to ensure that hospice care continues to provide intravenous fluids and hydration as religiously required.

Jewish tradition also raises concerns about fully disclosing to a patient the fact that a condition is terminal, lest the patient be deprived of a will to live. Some contemporary religious authorities are emphatic that a patient should never be told explicitly that their condition is hopeless — a position that clashes with contemporary medical ethics, which considers patient autonomy a cardinal principle. Medical professionals familiar with the requirements of Jewish law in this respect are often able to transition a patient to hospice without fully disclosing the particulars of their diagnosis.

Other Resources

“Jewish Ritual, Reality and Response at the End of Life: A Guide to Caring for Jewish Patients and Their Families” by Rabbi Mark A. Popovsky

“End of Life: Jewish Perspectives” By Rabbi Elliot Dorff

“Advanced Illness and Orthodox Jewish Law: Approaches to Communication and Medical Decision Making” 

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The Facebook executive Sheryl Sandberg highlighted this 30-day mourning period in her searing, viral post, published in 2015 — 30 days into mourning her husband. “I have lived thirty years in these thirty days,” wrote Sandberg, whose husband, Dave Goldberg, had died suddenly at age 47. “I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.”

Being a rabbi lets a person see death. Being with a person when she dies, and with a family as they mourn, removes death from the realm of theory and platitudes. What one learns from those experiences is that life and death have inertia. What Sir Isaac Newton observed, that bodies in motion tend to stay in motion and that bodies at rest tend to stay at rest, is true of life and death as well. When someone dies, those who love that person are yanked out of life’s forward motion.

Both shiva and sheloshim exist to slow down reality for a mourner. But it is sheloshim, during which mourners are to refrain from attending celebrations, listening to music and shaving (among other restrictions), that allows the mourner time to become the new person she will have to be in the face of loss. Sheloshim is the bridge between the speechlessness of mourning and the babble of normal life.

But why is this period 30 days?

Jewish texts can be frustrating —  garrulous on the how of Jewish life, but quiet as to its why. “Why?” has to be inferred. But a passage from Judaism foremost book of how, the Shulchan Aruch, the Code of Jewish Law, yields a lovely inference about the purpose of sheloshim.

“One who meets his friend, a mourner, within the thirty days [of mourning] he offers him words of consolation, but does not extend to him a greeting of peace (that is, says, ‘shalom’).

After thirty days, he may say ‘shalom’ to him, but does not offers him words of consolation in the usual manner, and only makes reference to his sorrow indirectly, [viz.,] he does not mention to him the name of the dead, but [only] says to him, ‘Be consoled.’” (Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 285)

One doesn’t wish a mourner, “peace,” for they have little of it until 30 days after a loved one’s funeral. One consoles a mourner openly, fully, until 30 days after death, and then stops referring to their loss directly. What we can infer is that our teachers believed that something momentous changes at the 30-day mark. Sandberg wrote about the powerful lessons of that first month in her post on sheloshim.

Rabbi Chaim Shreiber has explained why this time frame matters: “The Jewish calendar is based on the moon. Just as the moon waxes and wanes in a cyclical period, the 30 days of mourning are an opportunity for the closing of a full emotional circle. The process begins with the funeral and the first days of shiva, when one can’t even see a glimmer of light. With the passing of time, the light returns in stages, and waxes more and more. Thirty days is an important period of time, a time for renewal and grasping a new reality.”

It isn’t that we stop mourning after the sheloshim has passed. The law tells us to wish a mourner our condolences for a full cycle of Jewish holidays. Rather, the end of sheloshim marks the beginning of living a new normal for the mourner. As Sandberg put it, “Those who have said, ‘You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good’ comfort me more because they know and speak the truth.”

Of course, there is the often-expressed who-are-you-to-tell-me critique, as in, “Who are you (the rabbis) to tell me that it takes 30 days to mourn this way? Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no one-size, fits all timeline for it.” The criticism is just. People are different, and grief idiosyncratic.

But if this rabbi’s experience says anything, it’s that people rarely give themselves even the full month before trying to reintegrate into “normal” life. It can make for a painful gait when someone tries to move too fast. Because to mourn is to be changed against one’s will. And these changes often dwarf a mourner’s desire to manage them.

Scott Perlo, a rabbi at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue in Washington, D.C., is shortly to take a position at the 92^nd St. Y in New York.

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There are two main phrases that are key to understanding the Kaddish. By looking at them closely, we can transform our understanding of the prayer — from a testimony to faith in a God whose actions cause us to suffer for reasons we don’t understand to a prompt that reminds God of the brokenness of the world.

The first key phrase is the opening line: Yitgadal Ve-Yitkadash Shemei Rabbah. This is often translated into English as “Magnified and sanctified be His great name.” It is understandable how this could be seen as a prayer praising God. But the prayer is not a praise; it is a request. The worshiper is asking for God to be magnified and to be sanctified, implying — correctly — that God is not magnified and sanctified right now.

How could it be that God is not magnified and sanctified now? It is clear from the biblical context of this line in Ezekiel 38:23 that God will only be made great and holy at the end of days, when all nations recognize God as the supreme moral force in the world. Shockingly, the Kaddish also claims that God is not king, by stating: “let God’s kingdom rule.” (God is not fully king until everyone recognizes God.)

In a world of death and mourning, it is clear that God is not fully holy, great or even king. This prayer — put in the mouth of the mourner — begs God to speed the day when God is, in fact, great and holy. But it acknowledges that we aren’t there yet.

The other line in Kaddish that is critical is the congregational response: Y’hei Sh’mei Raba M’varach L’alam Ul’almei Almaya. The translation: “May His great Name be blessed forever and for all eternity.” A very strange feature of the Kaddish is the lack of God’s name. Almost all other prayers mention God’s name — so why is it missing from this particular prayer? Why is God absent, but God’s name (“his name”) is mentioned multiple times?

The answer has everything to do with the radical theology of the Kaddish. This is a prayer that is acting out the reality we live in: a world in which God’s name is diminished. And while we want God’s name to be great and blessed, and ask for that in this prayer, we still live in a world where that hasn’t happened fully. Exhibit A? The death we are mourning, the death that brought us to this prayer.

This is illustrated in one of the oldest stories about the Kaddish, in the Babylonian Talmud, which is the source of this line:

Rabbi Yose said: One time I was walking on the path, and I entered a ruin from one of the ruins of Jerusalem in order to pray. Elijah of blessed memory came and watched the doorway until I finished my prayer …. he said to me … :

“Whenever the Israelites go into the synagogues and schoolhouses and respond: ‘May His great name be blessed,’ God shakes His head and says: “Happy is the king who is thus praised in His house! Woe to the father who had to banish his children, and woe to the children who had to be banished from the table of their father!” (Brachot 3a)

This source offers another perspective on the context of the congregational response. On the one hand, when the phrase is recited by Israel in the synagogues and study houses, God is filled with happiness. But immediately following this statement of joy, God goes on to say: Woe is Me and woe is Israel. In other words, the source reflects the complex emotions that are embedded in the recitation of the line. This is a line that was associated with the presence of God; reciting it meant that God’s name — the embodiment of God’s immanence — was at hand. Yet it is recited not in the world of the Temple and the High Priest, but rather in a world in which Jerusalem is in ruins.

In other words, the line has morphed from a reaction to God’s presence to a painful reminder of God’s absence. God is no longer available in this world in the way God once was.

Significantly, the sufferer in this text is not limited to the “children” — that is, Israel. The suffering parties include also God. Both experience woe. By reciting this line, then, the mourner invites God into the emotional experience of remembering better times and of grief for the state of the world.

The Kaddish is not a stoic praise of an unfeeling God who for reasons we can’t know let our loved ones die without remorse. Rather, it is a plea for a better world in which God is more fully holy, and the presence of God more completely experienced.

We are not living in that world, and the Kaddish knows it; but it offers us a path to imagine a world beyond our current one. And critically, God is in league with us in begging for that world to come soon.

This essay was adapted for My Jewish Learning from an essay in the book “Kaddish” (New Paradigm Matrix, 2017)

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Her mission: Help people connect when they don’t know what to say. So, if you are looking for a card that says, “When people say it’s a marathon, not a sprint— I don’t think they get how much you hate running,” or “I wish I could take away your pain, or at least take away the people who compare it to the time their hamster died,” she’s got you covered.

Her witty takes on the awkward moments of sadness and grief ring true, but I am not sure they answer the question so many of us ask: What do I say?

What do I say to someone who has lost their spouse suddenly, and far too young? What do I say to someone who just buried a child? What do I say to someone whose parents no longer live in this world? What do I say when I see them on the street, at school pick-up, in the grocery store? And even more urgently, what do I say when I show up at their house for shiva?

On one level, there is an easy answer to that question. There are traditional phrases one says in a house of mourning. The first: Hamakom yinachem etchem b’toch she-ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim — May God comfort you amongst all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem. Or, if that feels like a mouthful, there’s the shorter (and perhaps more hopeful): Chaim aruchim — May you have a long life. And in Sephardic households, you might hear someone say: Min ha-shamayim tenachumu — May you be comforted from Heaven.

Yet, even with these phrases easily at hand, Judaism understands loss and mourning, especially in its early days, as murky and convoluted. Our tradition understands that it takes time to ease back into daily routines, to begin to look and feel and act like ourselves again.

The roadmap of Jewish grief is marked in increments — the hours or days before the burial comprise a liminal phase called aninut, when you are not your normal self, but you are not yet a mourner. There is shloshim, the 30 days after a loved one is buried, which offers mere glimpses of normalcy. There is shanah, traditionally reserved for those mourning a parent — an entire year, during which bereaved people get closer and closer to the lives they led before their loss (though some activities, like attending a wedding, party, or concert, remain forbidden).

And perhaps more than anything else, there is shiva. In the world in which I grew up, shiva often felt oddly festive, perhaps because until my late adolescence, I was lucky enough to attend shiva only for people who had died “in their season.” Even a grandparent dying too young is still a grandparent and such a death still fits into the basic scheme of life.

And so, there was food (mostly deli, and a lot of it) and drink (frequently seltzer) and there were some nods to traditional behaviors (the occasional covered mirror, the low stools provided by the funeral home). Visitors told stories — often poignant ones and funny ones —about the deceased; these vignettes were gifts of memory to those who were in deepest mourning.

All of this changed the first time I went to a very traditional shiva for a classmate, then in his early 20s, whose mother had just died. Walking into that home was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Rather than the hubbub of small talk, of offering refreshments, of those stories being told or performed, there was silence. The mourners sat on those low stools; visitors sat beside them without talking. The focus was on the mourner, not the deli platters. I felt as if I had landed on some alien Jewish planet.

Tradition teaches that comforters — those who come to the shiva house — are not permitted to say a word until the mourners themselves open the conversation. This tradition traces its origins to the Book of Leviticus 10:1-2.

And Nadav and Avihu, the sons of Aaron, took each of them his firepan, and put fire therein, and laid incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the Lord, which God had not commanded them. And there came forth fire from before the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord.

It is a sudden and shocking moment. Having just been given, at least metaphorically, the keys to the Sanctuary, Aaron (the High Priest) watches as his sons are consumed by flames. Reading it, each time, the shock remains visceral. Stranger still is what happens next.

Then Moses said unto Aaron: ‘This is it that the Lord spoke, saying: Through them that are nigh unto Me I will be sanctified, and before all the people I will be glorified.’ And Aaron was silent. (Leviticus 10:3)

Jewish sages have long tried to spin Aaron’s silence as a theological statement, as an attempt to gain praise from God. Rashi, the great commentator, suggests that Aaron was rewarded for his silence, given the gift of a personal address from God. About 800 years later, Rabbi Eliezer Lipman-Lichtenstein notes that this Torah portion uses a very particular word (va-yidom) for silence. Rather than just implying that Aaron did not speak or weep or moan or cry out, Rabbi Lipman-Lichtenstein suggests that the verb is meant to teach us that Aaron’s heart and soul were at peace; somehow, in this tragic moment, the saintly Aaron arrived a place of inner peace and calm.

Isaac ben Judah Abravanel, a medieval commentator, reads this text the way that I do: His heart turned to lifeless stone, and he did not weep and mourn like a bereaved father, nor did he accept Moses’ consolation, for his soul had left him and he was speechless.
So too, when the biblical Job was mourning his unfathomable losses (10 of his children), we read:

And they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great. After this, Job began to speak … (Job 2:12-13)

Because sometimes, there are no words. Sometimes, nothing that you can say, as heartfelt as it might be, is what a mourner needs to hear. Sometimes, the most powerful thing that we can do is bear witness to someone’s pain, to hold in our presence their silence. Based on these texts, Dr. Ron Wolfson, of American Jewish University, says that the essence of consoling the bereaved can be distilled to three actions: Be there, speak in silence and hear with a heart.

Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel teaches that there are three modes of mourning: silence, tears and song. The rules and traditions of Jewish mourning tell us that we — the comforters — do not get to set the mode and the tone. Grief ebbs and it flows. It can be melancholic and profound, it can be raucous and inappropriate, but whatever it is, it belongs to the mourner. It is the bereaved who can tell you if and what he needs to share, or when she wants to cry or laugh. If the mourner is too stunned to even form a coherent sentence, that’s OK, too. Your job, our job, is to be with them where they need to be. Not to coax, not to lead — just to be there.

(Rabbi Sari Laufer is the director of congregational engagement at Stephen Wise Temple in Los Angeles. A cum laude graduate of Northwestern University Rabbi Laufer was ordained by Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion, Los Angeles in May 2006. Prior to coming to Wise, Rabbi Laufer spent 11 years as the assistant and associate rabbi at Congregation Rodeph Sholom in New York City.)

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The post When It’s OK To Say Nothing appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Psalm 23

The 23rd psalm is perhaps the best known of the 150 psalms, and is frequently recited at funerals. Because of its interpretation in Western culture, we often read it as something pastoral and tranquil. This is especially true in the poetry of most English translations. The Hebrew presents a much simpler word picture: The psalmist was a fierce warrior who protected his flock; similarly, we ask God for divine protection especially in the “presence of our enemies.” (Note: I have translated it in the second person to avoid any gender specificity.)

Adonai is my Shepherd; I lack nothing
You give me my ease in fertile pastures
You lead me to drink in tranquil waters
Your renew my soul
You guide me on straight paths as befits Your reputation.

Even though I walk through the valley of the deepest darkness,
I fear no evil
For You are [always] with me.
Your comforting rod provides me solace.
You prepare a table for me [to eat at ease] in front of my enemies;
My head oozes with oil; my cup is overflowing.
Surely merciful goodness will be mine throughout my life,
And I will always remain in Adonai’s precinct.

Three Other Psalm Excerpts

The psalmist found a way to articulate thoughts and feelings, especially when we are unable, or don’t have the strength, to do so. I use psalm texts as kavannot (sacred mantras), which I repeat silently to myself or aloud over and over again.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the mountains — where does my help come from?
My help comes from Adonai who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

Psalm 118

Adonai is my strength and song;
You have become my salvation. (Psalm 118:14)

Psalm 30

You turned my mourning into dancing.
You have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy. (Psalm 30:12)

“There Are Stars”

While this text by the poet Hannah Senesh, a Jewish heroine of World War II, does not come from sacred literature, it has entered the annals of folk literature and has thus been elevated to a similarly sacred level. Our lives may be diminished when someone has passed from this world, but what that person accomplished continues to leave its trace of light. As a result, it illumines our path as well.

There are stars whose life reaches the earth only after they themselves have disintegrated and are no more./ There are people whose scintillating memory lights the world after they have passed from it./ These lights which shine in the darkest night are those which illumine for us the path.

A Post-Kaddish Reading From Proverbs and Isaiah

Although the Kaddish doesn’t mention death, and there are a variety of forms of Kaddish, the Mourners Kaddish is the Jewish prayer most associated with death and mourning. This paragraph follows the Mourners Kaddish in many Jewish prayer books. It helps allay our fears as we enter the unknown following the death of someone we love.

Be not afraid of sudden terror, nor of the storm that strikes the wicked. (Proverbs 3:25) Form your plot — it shall fail; lay your plan — it shall not prevail. For God is with us. Even to your old age I will be the same. When you are gray-haired, I will still sustain you. I will have made you and I will bear you. I will sustain you and save you. (Isaiah 8:10, 46:4)

“Why?”

The Hasidic rebbes were often known for their spiritual insights. Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev (1740-1809) took on a posture of what is called chutzpah chappei malah –chutzpah (moxie) in the face of God. He challenged God in a way that others did not — in this case around the issue of incomprehensible human suffering. And in so doing, we do are able to ask the same questions and find comfort.

Eternal Presence of the world, I am not asking You
to show me the secret of your ways,
for it would be too much for me.
But I am asking You to show me one thing:
what is the meaning of the suffering
that I am presently enduring,
what this suffering requires of me,
and what You are communicating to me through it.
Eternal Presence of the world.
I want to know
not so much why I am suffering
but whether I am doing so for your sake.

Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky is affiliated with Mersky, Jaffe & Associates, a multi-faceted consulting firm serving the nonprofit community. He is the author of many books and articles that bring Jewish wisdom into everyday living, including “Grief in Our Seasons: A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion and The Jewish Mourner’s Handbook” (with Ron Isaacs). He formerly served as the executive director of Big Tent Judaism and was on the faculty of Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion.Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need toknow and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Readings Every Jewish Mourner Should Know appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Traditionally, Jews are obligated to sit shiva when they have lost a parent, sibling, spouse or child. Jews today observe shiva in a variety of ways. While many people find comfort in observing all the traditional customs of shiva, others observe only some customs. Some people divide the week between multiple locations, often staying with — or traveling to — the homes of other family members who are mourning the same loved one. Other families sit shiva for fewer than seven days, or announce specific visiting hours each day, so they do not feel pressured to accept visitors all day long. While many mourning families host a shiva minyan each day, a prayer service in which they can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish, not all do.

In addition, not all Jewish mourners choose to take all the traditional steps in preparing the home; for example, not everyone covers the mirrors in their home during the shiva period.

The checklist below lists things you may want to do to prepare a shiva house. In many synagogues, a committee of volunteers is available to help with these tasks. Be aware that each mourner is different, however, and not all families will want to take every step listed. Did we miss something important? Email us at community@myjewishlearning.com or leave suggestions in the comments below.

General Preparations for Shiva

• Notify the mourner’s employer that he or she will be unavailable for the week.
• If the deceased person and/or their mourners are affiliated with a synagogue, contact the synagogue(s) to request help with practical arrangements, set a schedule of services (the shiva minyan) and ensure that 10 adults will be at services (if applicable).
• Decide when/where you will sit shiva and will accept visitors, so that the funeral director or rabbi can distribute that info to those who want to visit.
• Set a schedule for meal preparation by friends and extended family or enlist the service of a caterer. Ensure that the house is stocked with enough food for the mourners and their guests. Identify where to donate leftover food and who will bring it there.
• Arrange for someone (a friend, synagogue volunteer or a hired person) to clean the house before and during shiva.
• Notify neighbors of the presence of additional cars and people in the neighborhood.
• Prepare a handout with the shiva information, to be passed out at the funeral. Make sure it includes the address of (and maybe directions to) the home where shiva will be observed, hours during which visitors will be welcomed, and the times services (shiva minyan) will be held, if applicable.

Preparing the Shiva House

• Cover the mirrors, if desired. It does not matter what material you use to cover the mirrors (paper, fabric etc.) Since the reason for this tradition is that people shouldn’t be able to see their reflection, mirrors above or a below a height where people will be able to see themselves need not be covered.
• Consider having a sign-in book and pens/pencils for the guests.
• Have a good supply of tissues.
• Put away any highly valuable or delicate items.
• If desired, borrow from the synagogue or funeral home low chairs or cushions for the mourners’ seating, prayer books for services, and kippot (head coverings) for guests. In addition, most funeral homes or chevra kadisha groups (Jewish burial societies) will provide a large shiva candle that burns for seven days. You can also purchase ones (including electrical ones) online.
• If desired, create a door sign with visiting hours posted.
• Set up tables and chairs (low chairs or couches without the cushions for the mourners, regular chairs for everyone else). You may need to borrow extra chairs depending on the number of visitors expected.
• Consider displaying photos of the deceased. This is a nice way to honor the deceased and encourages visitors to talk about the deceased, rather than discussing only trivial matters.

Special thanks to Rabbi Jason Weiner for his assistance with this article.

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The post How to Organize a Shiva appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Why do Jews place stones on graves?

Does Judaism allow cremation?

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

Does Jewish law ever allow embalming?

What exactly happens during shiva?

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Why do Jews place stones on graves?

A variety of explanations for this tradition are discussed in the video below. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow cremation?

While Jewish tradition is strongly anti-cremation, many Jews do choose this over burial, and many Jewish funeral homes and clergy will assist with the funeral and its aftermath regardless. Learn more here.

Can a person with a tattoo be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes. The misperception that tattoos bar their wearers from Jewish burial is so common has seeped into the wider culture, referenced  by Larry David in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and prompting even the New York Times to consider the question. Though some individual Jewish burial societies may decline to bury tattooed Jews, the practice does not appear to be a common one and there is nothing in Jewish law that calls for denying a Jewish burial to an individual with a tattoo.  Learn more here.

Can a person who has committed suicide be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Yes, in most cases. Although traditional Jewish law rules that mourning rites should not be observed for those who take their own lives, most contemporary rabbis look for any basis on which to disqualify an apparent suicide so as to allow for traditional burial. Learn more about Judaism and suicide here.

Can a non-Jew be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

There are many laws and customs governing the burial of Jews separately from non-Jews. Traditional Jewish cemeteries that adhere to these practices often permit burial only of those who are Jewish as defined by the longstanding traditional definition (that is, born of a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism under the auspices of Jewish law).

Cemeteries or special parts of cemeteries owned by non-Orthodox congregations or other Jewish institutions often allow somewhat more latitude in determining who is a Jew and/or who may be buried where; some allow non-Jews to be buried anywhere in the cemetery so long as the tombstone doesn’t bear symbols of other religions, while other cemeteries have special sections in which Jews and non-Jewish spouses may be buried together. Learn more about mourning a non-Jewish loved one here.

Does Judaism allow autopsies?

Jewish tradition forbids autopsies in a general way on the grounds that the body is sacred. However, they are permitted in two specific cases: where the law requires it, or if it could help others who are immediately suffering from the same disease or condition. Learn more about autopsies and Jewish law here.

Does Judaism allow organ donations?

Yes. Despite the common misperception that Judaism opposes organ donations, on the whole there is widespread support for organ donation across the spectrum of Jewish observance, from Reform to haredi Orthodox. Some authorities, citing the injunction in Leviticus 19 not to stand idly by the blood of one’s neighbor, go further in suggesting that Jewish tradition mandates organ donation in certain circumstances. Learn more here.

Does Judaism allow open-casket funerals?

The practice of open-casket funerals and public viewings of the dead is not a traditional Jewish practice and runs counter to a number of Jewish legal and philosophical principles. The Mishnah in Pirkei Avot records the opinion of Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar, who counseled that one should not console your friend “at the time when his deceased lies before him.” This statement is often understood to suggest that Judaism does not consider rituals like a wake or a public viewing of the dead to be comforting to mourners. The Talmud also says that gazing upon the dead causes one to forget the Torah they learned.

Open caskets are also typically accompanied by some sort of cosmetic procedure and/or embalming to prevent the body’s decay. Both these actions are considered inconsistent with the prohibition of desecrating a dead body, known in Hebrew as nivul hamet. This prohibition is derived from the verse in Deuteronomy that prohibits leaving the body of an executed man overnight. The Talmud expounds on what qualifies as desecration of the dead to include post-mortem procedures that tamper with a body.

Moreover, various philosophical and mystical objections have been lodged against the practice, among them the idea that a person’s body is merely the container for their true self — their soul. In this view, placing a body on display so one can pay their respects doesn’t honor the deceased; it merely objectifies the container in which the deceased’s personhood once resided. The Jewish mystical tradition believes that the departure of a soul from the body is spiritually painful and that anything that prolongs that process, such as embalming, would aggravate the soul’s pain.

Learn more about Jewish funerals here.

What to expect at a Jewish funeral.

How to plan a Jewish funeral.

Does traditional Judaism ever allow embalming?

There are instances in which embalming would be allowed, such as where a body is being transported over a long distance or if there’s an unavoidable delay in burial. It may also be permitted if it is required by civil authorities. This is the explanation sometimes invoked to explain the embalming of Jacob and Joseph when they died in Egypt, as recorded in the 50th chapter of Genesis.

Why do Jewish funerals usually take place so soon after the death, and is it OK to wait longer to allow family members to travel?

Traditional Jewish law requires that a person be buried within 24 hours. The source for this requirement is Deuteronomy, which states that the body of an executed man impaled on a stake must not be left overnight because it is an “affront” to God. The Shulchan Aruch establishes this as a general principle but also delineates a number of situations that would justify a delay, including allowing time for relatives to assemble or to gather burial shrouds. In addition, circumstances sometimes necessitate a delay, such as when a person dies on the eve of the Sabbath. Since burial is prohibited on the Sabbath, burial is often delayed until after. Today, many non-Orthodox Jewish families delay the funeral several days in order to allow loved ones who live far away to be there for the event. Others opt to have a speedy funeral, but then hold a memorial service at a later date when more people can attend.

What exactly happens during shiva?

The shiva period is the first seven days after burial, when mourners traditionally stay home and receive visitors. While there are numerous laws and customs associated with shiva, many non-Orthodox Jewish families choose to observe some, but not all of these practices. For example, a family might sit shiva for fewer than seven days or might specify visiting times so that individuals do not feel obligated to have visitors in the house throughout the day. Learn more about shiva here.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Jewish Mourning FAQ appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There is no simple “solution” to cure you of grief, but there is usually a level of resolution in which one achieves a measure of closure. As you undergo this process of healing and reintegrating into your new “normal,” expect to experience many ups and downs. Grief counselors sometime describe grief as a river: It is not a straight line, but zigzags without any apparent pattern. At the same time, it flows, rising and falling with regularity, especially on anniversaries or special occasions. At other times it can be wild and unpredictable.

Don’t see bereavement as an illness or weakness. It is a normal reaction to loss and needs to play itself out. However, there are some general stages of grief that have been identified, and can help normalize the process. Many find Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ five stages of mourning helpful: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These don’t always happen in order nor does everyone necessarily experience all of them. Some have noted a more general mourning process starting with shock, then pain, and then gradually a sense of resolution and readjustment.

This article offers specific advice for each stage of the Jewish mourning process. Below are some general tips that apply to the entire process:

• • Find supportive people to be around who accept your feelings, and don’t make you feel judged.
  • Think about your sources of strength and resilience, and what strategies you have used to overcome previous challenges in your life, but don’t feel discouraged if the pain last for more time than you thought it would.
  • Consider incorporating Jewish mourning traditions and rituals into your life. Though not everybody observes all the Jewish mourning traditions and rituals, being aware of their deep psychological and spiritual wisdom may offer further guidance. Indeed, many people find that having rituals to observe provides a comforting framework for dealing with painful emotions.

Where to Find HelpWhat to Expect Before the FuneralWhat to Expect During Shiva (the First Week after the Funeral)What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month after the Funeral)What to Expect the First YearWhat to Expect Moving ForwardWhat to Do When Grief is Especially Complicated

Where to Find Help

There are many helpful organizations and websites, such as Grief.com, that provide support to people who are mourning. Many synagogues and Jewish communities have grief support groups, which are often coordinated through the local Jewish federation. Often, there are a few to choose from and it is acceptable to try some out to see if its a good fit, and then move on to another one if it is not.

You don’t have to be a member of a synagogue to attend these groups, and you can often start by searching the Internet or calling your local federation to find one near you. If there is no grief support in your area, but there is a synagogue, don’t let membership dues deter you from attending synagogue services or other programs. With the exception of High Holiday services and Hebrew school programs, synagogue services and programs are generally open to all, regardless of whether or not they are members or have paid dues.

Even if you’ve never attended the synagogue before, if you inform the rabbi of what you are experiencing, chances are that you will be embraced without any need to pay for membership or any other fees. If this feels uncomfortable, one way to approach this might be simply by reaching out to a local rabbi to ask them what sort of resources are available for someone who is grieving in your community. They can then either welcome you to be comforted by their community, or share with you some other local options that may be a better fit.

What to Expect During Aninut (the Period Before and Including the Funeral)

You may feel numb, like it is not real, and that you are in a fog-like state of shock. During this time Jewish tradition encourages you to acknowledge feelings of despair.

Jewish mourners are not expected to do anything, not even fulfill commandments like saying blessings or participating in daily prayer services, but simply to plan the funeral and ensure they can give the most fitting final respects to their loved one. It is during this time that one simply comes to terms with the painful reality of the death. Jewish law actually forbids people to offer condolences during this phase. Judaism recognizes that we can’t take the pain away while the dead is still lying before us, and the bereaved are not yet ready to be comforted.

The funeral can be a cathartic part of this phase. It is customary to tear a garment at the funeral (a practice known as kriah) in recognition of the pain and even anger that might be felt at this time. It is an attempt to give expression to one’s anger in a controlled manner. Saying a final goodbye, and shoveling earth onto the coffin are meant to acknowledge the finality of the death, helping to dissipate the shock.

What to Expect During Shiva (The First Week after the Funeral)

The Jewish tradition of sitting shiva enables you to stop, reflect and accept the reality of the death as the full emotional impact sets in. During this week, mourners traditionally stay at home and are visited by friends and family. They also begin reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish; traditionally a minyan of at least 10 Jewish adults gather at the shiva house to say the Kaddish.

One of the most crucial aspects of this week is talking openly about the deceased: the impact of the death, what caused it, the days leading up to it, as well as good memories and reflections on their entire life. Telling the narrative over and over again makes the death more real and, though painful, is part of the healing process. This is why grief counselors often say that we can’t just “move on,” we have to “move forward” recognizing that grief is a “journey through,” not around.

It is also important to recognize that Judaism takes a community-based approach. That is why we say, “tzarot rabim chatzi nechama” or “a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved” (based on Sefer Hachinuch, Mitzvah 331). It can be very helpful during this intense period of mourning to have the comfort of other people’s caring presence.

Advice During Shiva

• • • Although people often say unwise and hurtful things to mourners, try not to see this as being insensitive or intentionally offensive. Rather, people are often uncomfortable in these situations and don’t know what to say. Try to accept the good intentions behind their clumsy attempts to help.
    • Even if you aren’t part of a structured Jewish community or synagogue, it may be beneficial to seek one during this time, or attend group grief therapy sessions or find a counselor or therapist (see above for advice on how to find one in your area).
    • If you have friends or family who have not reached out to you in your time of need, try not to take it personally and don’t be afraid to reach out to them to let them know how you are feeling. They will most likely be happy that you did.
    • Don’t be afraid to take some alone time for yourself during shiva. In fact, this option is built into the shiva tradition on Shabbat, when public expressions of mourning and condolence calls are actually traditionally forbidden.

What to Expect During Sheloshim (the First Month After the Funeral)

After shiva it is customary to take a short walk around the block, symbolizing the need to begin reintegrating into society.The walk around the block is a good transition to Sheloshim, the next three weeks, during which there is still some level of mourning, but it is less intense and readjustment begins. It’s normal to continue to feel very sad and emotional during this time.

Advice During Sheloshim

• • • Just because the initial stage of the mourning has come to an end, doesn’t mean the need to cope goes away. Continue to find people to talk to and tell your story to during this time and beyond.
    • When you go back to work, you don’t want to bombard people with your sadness and stories, but you should let them know what you are going through so they can be supportive and understanding.
    • Even if you did not say Kaddish during Shiva, you might find it comforting to do so now, especially on Shabbat when you might be able to find some time to attend synagogue and find some communal support.

What To Expect During the First Year

For most losses, the official Jewish mourning process ends with the conclusion of sheloshim. For those mourning a parent, the process traditionally continues another 10 months.

Of course the loss of a parent isn’t the only one that will impact you emotionally for more than a month and no one expects you to be done mourning in just 30 days, or even in a year. Some people choose to continue to recite the Mourner’s Kaddish beyond the 30 days, and others find different ways to continue to honor their loved one, such as by doing good things or giving charity in their memory.

The entire first year can remain very difficult, painful and an emotional roller coaster, particularly as you attempts to cope with the demands of daily life. It is normal to have conflicting emotions toward the deceased.

Advice During the First Year

• • • Don’t feel abnormal if the grief persists throughout this year, particularly around special occasions, and just because some days are good doesn’t mean there won’t be more bad days.
    • It can be beneficial to have imaginary conversations with the person you are mourning while saying Kaddish, at the graveside, looking at photographs, or even writing in a journal.
    • Consider reciting the Kaddish regularly, even if you are not religious. Reciting this prayer affirms that no matter how much you might despair, you are publicly affirming that you will not give up and will carry on the positive values of your loved one in this world. Many people also find it is psychologically helpful to incorporate this ritual into their daily or weekly routine and to be part of a larger community of people saying Kaddish.
    • Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends or family, especially after the initial surge of attention ebbs and it feels like people have forgotten about you and/or seem to think you should be over it.

What to Expect Moving Forward

Even after the first year, expect to feel some pain, especially on holidays and at lifecycle events. Allow yourself to feel the pain and acknowledge it, ideally surrounding yourself with loved ones and life-affirming activities, such as finding sources of gratitude (i.e. how your life was enriched by the one you’ve lost), happiness and health. These occasions can also serve as reminders that, as difficult as it is, you have managed to survive another year without your loved one, yet have not forgotten them. It is customary to remember your loved one on certain days of the year, each in a different way:

• • • On the anniversary of the death (Yahrzeit), often by lighting a candle, visiting the grave and/or saying Kaddish.
    • At the Yizkor memorial service in synagogue on Yom Kippur and the last days of Passover, Shavuot and Sukkot.

Advice Moving Forward

• • • On the Yahrzeit and at Yizkor, it is common to feel once again some of the emotions felt during the first year of mourning. You should re-engage many of the strategies for coping mentioned in this article.
    • It is crucial during the grieving process to identify your sources of strength, and to acknowledge your hopes and your fears, and not to be afraid to find someone to talk to openly about them.

What to Do When Grief Is Especially Complicated

As we have pointed out, there is no one right way to mourn nor one normal or universal timeline. Everyone grieves differently and most mourners will return to standard functioning in their own time frame. However, when grief is ongoing and paralyzing, particularly if the intensity doesn’t subside over time, it is known as “complicated grief.” When it continues for more than a year (or less than that if the emotions are overwhelming) this “unresolved grief” may require professional help.

This is especially common following traumatic or unexpected loss and is often characterized by lack of acceptance of the death, avoidance of experiencing pain or grief, resistance to continuing with daily life and unwillingness to be comforted. It also manifests as isolation, lack of desire to form new relationships, decreased performance at work/school, talking often about death in unrelated conversations (or never talking about it at all).

If you or someone you love is engaging in uncharacteristic behavior, has drastically changed sleep habits, suicidal ideation or severe depression, please take heed. The reality is that grief is real and can’t be ignored. When it gets to these extremes for an extended period of time it is crucial to be evaluated by a professional specialist.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Finding Support at Each Stage of Grief appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Ironically, as lonely as grief can be, it is one of life’s most universal experiences. And from ancient times to the present, people have been writing about it. While nothing can take your pain away, many mourners get some comfort from reading poems and other texts that address loss, mortality and grief.

We encourage you to explore the Book of Psalms, which, as this article notes, Jews and others have for centuries turned to “for solace, guidance, catharsis, renewal, and much more.” Another popular biblical text at times of loss is The Book of Job, which addresses head on and often very poetically, the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people. In addition, many people find the words of the Mourner’s Kaddish comforting.

A number of contemporary books, such as For Those Left Behind: A Jewish Anthology of Comfort and Healing and Grief in Our Seasons: A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion offer an array of inspiring poems, quotes and other readings.

Below are some of our favorite Jewish quotes, poems and texts for comforting mourners. Did we miss a special quote or a book that helped you get through a hard time? Leave it in the comments below or email us at community@myjewishlearning.com.

Don’t Be Afraid of Pain

We can endure much more than we think we can; all human experience testifies to that. All we need to do is learn not to be afraid of pain. Grit your teeth and let it hurt. Don’t deny it, don’t be overwhelmed by it. It will not last forever. One day, the pain will be gone and you will still be there. — Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, a contemporary American rabbi (from When All You’ve Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough: The Search For a Life That Matters)

There Is No Magic Answer

There is no magic answer to loss. Nothing, not even time, will make the pain completely disappear. But loss is transformative if it is met with faith. Faith is our chance to make sense of loss, to cope with the stone that rolls around in the hollow of our stomachs when something we loved, something we thought was forever, is suddenly gone. — Rabbi David Wolpe, a contemporary American rabbi (from Making Loss Matter: Creating Meaning in Difficult Times)

Rebuilding After Loss

“I will build an altar from the broken fragments of my heart.” — Rabbi Yehuda HaChasid, a Polish rabbi who, with a group of followers, moved to Jerusalem in 1700.

“Each Of Us Has a Name”

This Hebrew poem, by the Israeli poet known as Zelda (her full name was Zelda Schneurson Mishkovsky and she lived from 1914-1984) is translated here by Marcia Falk and is often read at funerals and memorial services, as well as at Jewish naming ceremonies.

What We Leave Behind

You can read the Hannah Senesh poem “There are Stars” (Yesh Kochavim, in the original Hebrew) in full here. The Hungarian-born Senesh was killed by the Nazis at age 23. She had moved to pre-state Israel but then returned to Hungary in 1944, in a doomed (and fatal) effort to help the anti-Nazi resistance fighters there. Here are the first few lines:

There are stars whose radiance is visible on earth
though they have long been extinct.
There are people whose brilliance continues to light
the world even though they are not longer among the living….

“If I Had Not Fallen”

This short passage comes from Orchot Tzadikim (The Ways of the Righteous), an anonymous book of Jewish ethical teachings written in 15th-century Germany:

If I had not fallen, I would not have picked myself up,
If I did not sit in darkness, I would not have seen the light.

(Orchot Tzadikim, Shaar Hateshuvah, Shaar 26)

“God Takes Nothing”

This proverb comes from Midrash HaGadol, a collection of Midrash texts that was compiled in the 14th century:

God takes nothing from the world until He puts something else in its place.

“Strange Is Our Situation Here on Earth”

This passage by physicist Albert Einstein comes from “My Credo,” an article he wrote in 1932, which is cited here.

Strange is our situation here on Earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to divine a purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that man is here for the sake of other men — above all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness depends.

Three Levels of Mourning

This is a Hasidic teaching that Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel often quoted, according to Heschel, Hasidism and Halakha:

There are three ascending levels of mourning: with tears — that is the lowest. With silence — that is higher. And with a song — that is the highest.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Words of Comfort for Mourners appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Aninut (pronounced ah-nee-NUTE) — The period between learning of a loved one’s death and their burial. A mourner during this period is referred to as an onen (oh-NEHN).

Aron (pronounced ah-ROHN) — This Hebrew word, which is used to refer to the cabinet where a Torah is stored, also means “casket,” or coffin.

Aveilut

(pronounced ah-vay-LUTE) — The Hebrew word for mourning.

Baruch Dayan Emet (pronounced bah-ROOKH dai-YAN eh-MET)  — Literally meaning “blessed is the judge of truth,” this phrase is uttered upon hearing the news that someone has died. On the internet, it is often abbreviated BDE.

Chesed Shel Emet (pronounced KHEH-sed shell EM-ut) — Literally “the truest act of kindness,” this means kindness to a dead person, usually used to describe the work of a Jewish burial society or the care of a grave.

Chevra Kadisha (pronounced KHEH-vruh kah-DEE-shuh) —  Hebrew for “holy society,” this refers to a Jewish burial society, often tasked with preparing the body for burial and providing support services for the mourners.

El Maleh Rahamim (pronounced ell mah-LEH rakh-hah-MEEM, or RAKH-ah-meem) —Hebrew for “God full of mercy,” this is the name of a prayer recited at a Jewish funeral, at the unveiling of the tombstone and during Yizkor services.

Kaddish (pronounced KAH-dish) — The Mourner’s Kaddish is an Aramaic prayer traditionally recited by the mourners during shiva (see below), shloshim (see below), and — when mourning a parent — daily for 11 months after burial.

Kriah (pronounced KREE-uh or kree-YAH) — Mourning custom of tearing one’s garment.

Matzevah (pronounced mahtz-uh-VAH) — Hebrew for monument, or gravestone.

Nihum Avelim (pronounced nee-KHOOM ah-vay-LEEM) — Hebrew for “comforting mourners,” considered one of the most important acts of chesed, or lovingkindness, a Jew can perform.

Shiva (pronounced SHIH-vuh or shee-VAH) — The seven-day mourning period after the funeral. What you need to know about sitting shiva and visiting a shiva house.

Shiva minyan (pronounced SHIH-vuh MINN-yun or shee-VAH meen-YAHN) — The prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews needed to assemble in the mourner’s home so that he or she can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish.

Shloshim (pronounced shloh-SHEEM, or SHLOH-sheem) — The first 30 days after a loved one is buried.

Shomer (pronounced SHOH-mur or shoh-MARE) — Hebrew for “guard,” this is someone who sits with the body before it is buried. Jewish law dictates that a body must not be left alone between death and burial.

Tahara

(pronounced tah-HAH-ruh or tah-hah-RAH) — Hebrew for “purification,” this is the traditional cleaning and ritual preparation of a body before burial, usually performed by members of a chevra kadisha (see above).

Yahrzeit (pronounced YAHR-tzite) —The Hebrew anniversary of someone’s death. On a loved one’s yahrzeit, Jews traditionally light a 25-hour candle known as a yahrzeit candle or yizkor candle.

Yizkor (pronounced YIZZ-kohr) — A Jewish memorial service for the dead that is part of the observance of several holidays.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Must-Know Jewish Death and Mourning Terms appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

• This tradition of burial in Israel is grounded in a number of Jewish sources, the best-known of which may be the teaching that during the time of the messiah, all Jews will be resurrected from the dead, and according to statements in the Midrash, those buried in Israel will be resurrected first. Those buried elsewhere will be brought to the holy land through underground tunnels, according to statements in the Talmud and elsewhere.
• The practice has its roots in the Bible, which records the patriarch Jacob’s insistence (in Parashat Vayechi) that his son Joseph swear not to bury him in Egypt, but instead to bury him with his forbearers in Hebron. Though exhuming the body of a Jew who has been buried is normally barred by Jewish law, an exception is made for reinterment in Israel.
• For some Jews, being buried in Israel is considered a symbolic statement of eternal attachment to the Jewish homeland. According to the Israeli Foreign Ministry, 1,590 people who died abroad were buried in Israel in 2016, a figure that includes Israeli citizens who died while they were out of the country. Some 4,900 Americans were buried in Israel between 2006-2016, and even more (5,100) from France.

How To Arrange for Burial in Israel

Burial in Israel requires both the purchase of a burial plot as well as the logistical arrangements necessary to prepare, transport and inter the body.

Plots can often be purchased directly from a cemetery, but it’s often easier to use an intermediary. A number of American synagogues and Jewish organizations own blocks of cemetery plots that they resell to their members, and at least one organization, Achuzat Kever, assists Jews from abroad who seek to purchase burial plots in Israel.

Once a plot is secured, arrangements for the body must be made. Some Jewish funeral homes in the United States offer the following services to those wishing to be buried in Israel:

• Ritual preparation of the body for burial, known as tahara (usually done before the body is transported to Israel).
• Arranging the necessary legal paperwork, including death certificates and authorization from the local Israeli consulate.
• Transport of the remains to an air cargo facility.

Arrangements must also be made to have the body received at the airport in Israel and transported to the cemetery for interment. Typically, this is done by the burial society associated with the cemetery where the plot was purchased.

Where in Israel are Burial Plots Available?

Jerusalem has always been the most sought-after location for burial in Israel, but space in the city is increasingly hard to come by and prices are substantial. The city has two major cemeteries — one in eastern Jerusalem, on the Mount of Olives overlooking the Old City, and the other, Har Hamenuchot, at the western entrance to the city. Lack of space at Har Hamenuchot has prompted the building of a massive underground catacombs to meet demand.

Beit Shemesh, a city roughly 20 miles to the west of the Israeli capital, has emerged as a popular alternative. Various Jewish organizations from around the world have reserved sections of the city’s privately owned Eretz Hachaim cemetery, which will also sell plots directly to consumers from its Brooklyn office. Burial plots are available in other Israeli cities as well;, however increasing space pressure has made it difficult to secure a plot in certain locations.

How Much Does Burial in Israel Cost?

The price of a burial plot varies considerably. Plots in the millennia-old Jewish cemetery on the Mount of Olives with its direct views of the Temple Mount are the most coveted of all and can run in the tens of thousands of dollars. One New York-based group offers plots on the Mount of Olives for $19,000 each, but some people in the Jewish funeral industry say they have heard of particularly choice locations in the cemetery selling for more than twice that amount. Plots in Beit Shemesh’s Eretz Hachaim cost around $8,000. Additionally, the funeral and transportation arrangements in Israel often run around $2,000, and one must also factor in the costs of preparation and airport transfer of the body in the United States. In the New York area, preparing a body and transporting it to Israel typically costs between $3,000-$5,000. From locations in the United States without direct flights to Israel, it can cost as much as $10,000.

Can Non-Orthodox Jews Be Buried in Israel?

Traditional Jewish law generally prohibits burying Jews and non-Jews together. Therefore, those wishing to be buried in a Jewish cemetery in Israel will typically have to demonstrate they are Jewish according to Jewish law — generally by having some Orthodox rabbinic body vouch for the deceased’s Jewish status. In the case of a non-Orthodox Jew, or someone who is not Jewish according to Orthodox Jewish law, this can occasionally present an obstacle to Jewish burial in Israel, though in practice this situation is said to arise only rarely. Civil cemeteries, a recent development in Israel, offer alternatives to individuals who for whatever reason are unable to secure burial in a religious cemetery. ITIM, a religious pluralism organization in Israel, offers assistance in navigating the religious bureaucracy surrounding burial.

Can Non-Jews Be Buried in Israel?

Israel has numerous Christian and Muslim cemeteries, which serve the local Muslim and Christian populations, but it is rare for people from overseas to request burial in them and we were unable to identify any organizations or businesses that assist in this process.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post How to Have Someone Buried in Israel appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

What does a shiva house look like?

Traditionally, mourners cover all the mirrors in the house and sit either on low stools (in Ashkenazi tradition) or on the floors or on pillows (Sephardic tradition). Sitting like this symbolizes that the mourner is in low spirits. Mourners often keep a yahrzeit memorial candle burning for the entire week. In addition, it is customary to leave the doors unlocked so that visitors can come and go without disturbing the mourners. Many families also set out a condolence book where visitors can sign in and leave messages. Find more details about shiva house customs and what they signify.

When does one sit shiva and for whom?

Shiva begins immediately after the funeral. Traditionally, a mourner sits shiva for a parent, sibling, child or spouse.

How long does shiva last?

Shiva is the Hebrew word for “seven,” and shiva traditionally lasts seven days. Some families sit shiva for shorter periods of time, however. Jewish law stipulates that if a family is in financial distress, mourners can return to work after just three days. Learn more about work and shiva.

When a yom tov, or Jewish holiday like Rosh Hashanah that is traditionally observed with restrictions similar to Shabbat restrictions (like not driving or using electricity), falls fewer than seven days after the burial, the shiva period is shortened, ending with the holiday. Shiva is not observed on Shabbat.

What is a mourner supposed to do during shiva?

Friends and family are expected to visit the mourner and provide food for him or her. Traditionally, three prayer services are conducted each day at the shiva house, with guests forming what is called a shiva minyan (the prayer quorum of 10 adult Jews). During these services, mourners recite the Mourner’s Kaddish. Learn about the shiva minyan.

In addition, there are some shiva customs unique to the Sephardic community. For example, according to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort, Iranian Jews customarily hold a special study session in synagogue during the shiva week, which mourners are allowed to attend “and are often joined by hundreds of friends and relatives.”

Besides staying home, are there other restrictions the mourner is supposed to observe during shiva?

Mourners are traditionally forbidden from working, shaving, bathing for pleasure, wearing leather shoes, having sex or cleaning their clothes during shiva. They are also supposed to refrain from pleasurable activities like listening to music, watching movies or other entertainment, or going to parties or other festive gatherings. According to some interpretations of Jewish law, mourners are not allowed to study Torah or other Jewish texts during shiva, except for texts pertaining to mourning. However, in many Sephardic communities, it is customary to study the Zohar, a mystical commentary on the Torah, throughout the week.

How does one pay a shiva visit?

Ideally you should find out beforehand during which hours the mourners want visitors, and, when you arrive, not say anything to the mourner(s) until he or she begins the conversation. Be careful not to tire the mourners, or engage them in small talk or conversation unrelated to their mourning.

Learn what NOT to say at a shiva. And find out 11 things you shouldn’t do at a shiva.

Bring food or, if possible, a full meal so the mourners won’t have to cook — but first check if the mourners keep kosher or have other dietary restrictions. Do not bring flowers, however. Upon leaving, it is customary to say, “May you be comforted from Heaven,” in the Sephardi tradition, or “May God console you together with everyone who mourns for Zion and Jerusalem,” in Ashkenazi tradition. Learn more about this phrase.

If you are comfortable doing so and are Jewish, you should participate in the shiva minyan so that the mourners will meet the prayer quorum of 10. (Be aware that if the mourners are Orthodox, only men will count in the minyan, but both men and women can still participate in the service.) Learn more about comforting mourners. Learn more about shiva etiquette.

What is the origin of shiva and other Jewish mourning practices?

According to the Talmud, the practice of sitting shiva is first alluded to early in the Torah, when Methuselah, the oldest man in the world, was mourned for seven days prior to the flood. Genesis 50:10 (in the Torah portion Vayechi) notes that Joseph “observed a mourning period of seven days” for his father, Jacob. Jewish mourning practices are discussed in the Talmud and clarified further in the Mishneh Torah, a compendium of Jewish law compiled by Maimonides in the 12th century, and the Yoreh De’ah section of the Shulchan Aruch, written by Joseph Caro in the 16th century.

How does shiva end?

The traditional end of shiva occurs on the seventh day of mourning (the sixth day after the funeral). The most common end-of-shiva practice today in many communities is for the mourner(s), on the morning of the last day of shiva, accompanied and even assisted by a friend or friends, to literally “get up from shiva.” The mourners rise from the low seat and confinement at home, and go for a walk around the block or its equivalent. In some communities, the friends recite the formula of consolation (“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem”) and then say to the mourner(s), “Arise.” According to Ron Wolfson’s A Time to Mourn, Moroccan Jews end shiva with a spe­cial meal and study session, called a mishmara. Another mishmara, this time at the cemetery, takes place on the 30th day after burial.

At the end of shiva, mourners who, following traditional law, have not been wearing leather shoes now put on regular shoes, replace the torn clothing or torn cloth worn during shiva, and set out to encounter once again the world beyond the home. Learn more about ending shiva.

What happens after shiva?

The next phase of mourning is called sheloshim (pronounced shlo-SHEEM), Hebrew for 30, and it ends 30 days after burial. Sheloshim is less restrictive than shiva, however — mourners can go out, work and perform other everyday activities. Learn more about sheloshim. 

Learn about the full timeline of Jewish mourning. 

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Aninut, From Death Until Burial

The period from the moment of death until the burial is called aninut, and a mourner in this stage is called an onen. The onen has no religious obligations except to attend to the practical necessities of arranging for the funeral. The Jewish understanding is that an onen cannot focus on anything other than the immediate issue of the burial, and should not be expected to be capable of any ritual observances, even those that might otherwise be performed on a daily basis (such as reciting the Shema).

The Funeral

Traditionally, Jewish funerals take place as soon after death as possible, often within 24 hours. The funeral service generally happens at a synagogue, funeral home or in the cemetery, either at a cemetery chapel or beside the grave. The service typically includes some readings from Jewish texts, a eulogy and the El Maleh Rahamim (God Full of Compassion) prayer.

Returning from the Cemetery

Immediately on returning from the cemetery, mourners should be greeted with a “meal of consolation” prepared by their extended family and/or community. It is traditional to place a pitcher of water, a bowl and towels outside the door of the house for the ritual hand washing.

Shiva

Jewish tradition offers very specific recommendations for gradual re-entry into normal life. The first week after the funeral is known as shiva (literally, “seven”). During this period, the mourners are treated with the utmost care and respect. Their needs are met by the community — both their physical needs, such as meals, and their spiritual and emotional needs. During this time, mourners mostly remain at home and a service is held daily (often in the evening) at the home, so that the mourners may recite the Kaddish. Mourners are encouraged to join the congregation on Shabbat to say Kaddish. In some communities services are held in the home both morning and evening. The tradition is that the Mourner’s Kaddish is said in the presence of a minyan, to insure that mourners do not grieve in isolation but rather surrounded by members of their community.

Friends, relatives, and community members visit and bring some food for the household. The shiva period gives the mourners a time to withdraw from the business of the world and begin to integrate and accept their loss. At the close of shiva, friends or family traditionally accompany the mourner for a brief walk (e.g., around the block) to symbolize the start of re-entry into the world.

Sheloshim

The next stage of the mourning process is known as sheloshim (literally, thirty). This 30-day period is counted from the day of the funeral (and so includes the period of shiva). Following shiva, the mourner returns to work during sheloshim but is still not completely back in the world. This ongoing mourning is expressed by avoiding parties, concerts, and other forms of public entertainment.

At the conclusion of sheloshim, the formal mourning period ends, except for those who are mourning parents. For these mourners, formal mourning, including the recitation of the Mourner’s Kaddish, lasts eleven months (see Shnat ha-evel below). Some people may wish to mark the end of sheloshim with a special minyan (prayer service) at which the mourner or family members speak about the deceased. Also, if there is to be a public memorial service, it is usually held at the conclusion of sheloshim. The memorial service may include several speakers and music or poetry that might not have been included in the funeral service.

Shnat Ha-Evel, the First Year of Mourning

Traditionally, mourners who have lost a parent say the Mourner’s Kaddish daily for eleven months (or a full year), whereas mourning for all other relatives ends with the sheloshim. In modern practice, mourners may recite the Mourner’s Kaddish for 11 months for other immediate relatives as well. This is a time we are encouraged to get back into life fully, while honoring our dead on a daily basis through the saying of the Mourner’s Kaddish.

Unveiling

There is a traditional obligation to create some form of matzevah (“monument,” usually a gravestone) to mark the site of the grave. The “unveiling” is a formal ceremony following the placement of the tombstone.

Customs differ, but the unveiling is generally held after sheloshim and usually in the month before the first yahrzeit (anniversary of the death; see below). The unveiling service is a relatively recent practice originating in the United States. Technically, a rabbi need not be present, but it is helpful to have an experienced person officiate.

The ceremony is very brief and usually includes some psalms and readings, a few words about the deceased, the removal of a covering from the monument, the El Malei Rachamim prayer, and, if a minyan (quorum of 10 adult Jews) is present, the Mourner’s Kaddish. You may ask the rabbi to assist you in putting together an appropriate service to mark the occasion. The unveiling reminds us that we will continue to visit the grave on yahrzeits and during the High Holiday season, and that the memory of the person will always be with us as our life continues.

Yahrzeit

Yahrzeit

is the yearly anniversary of a loved one’s death (traditionally observed on the Hebrew calendar). We observe yahrzeit at home by lighting a yahrzeit candle (which burns for 24 hours) in memory of the deceased. In the synagogue, we observe yahrzeit by saying the Mourner’s Kaddish at services.

Adapted with permission of Kavod v’Nichum a nonprofit educational organization that promotes and assists the formation of bereavement committees and chevrah kadisha (Jewish burial society) groups in synagogues and communities throughout North America.

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Common Explanations for This Custom

Warning To Kohanim (Jewish Priests)

During the times of the Temple in Jerusalem, Jewish priests (kohanim) became ritually impure if they came within four feet of a corpse. As a result, Jews began marking graves with piles of rocks in order to indicate to passing kohanim that they should stay back.

To Keep the Soul in This World

The Talmud mentions that after a person dies her soul con­tinues to dwell for a while in the grave where she was buried. Putting stones on a grave keeps the soul down in this world, which some people find comforting. Another related interpretation suggests that the stones keep demons and golems from getting into the graves.

Stones Last Longer Than Flowers

Flowers, though beautiful, will eventually die. A stone will not die, and can symbolize the permanence of memory and legacy.

A Hebrew Pun

Rabbi Simkha Weintraub, rabbinic director of the New York Jewish Healing Center offered another traditional interpretation: “The Hebrew word for ‘pebble’ is tz’ror – and it happens that this Hebrew word also means ‘bond.’ When we pray the memorial El Maleh Rahamim prayer (and at other times) we ask that the deceased be ‘bound up in the bond of life’ – tz’ror haHayyim.  By placing the stone, we show that we have been there, and that the individual’s memory continues to live on in and through us.”

Many people take special care in choosing a stone to put on the grave of a loved one. It may be a stone from a place that was significant to the deceased, a stone that was chosen at an event during which the deceased was especially missed, or simply an interesting or attractive rock. Because there is no commandment to fulfill here, placing a stone on a grave is an opportunity for you to create your own ritual, or do things in the way that feels most meaningful to you.

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Extensive sources from the Torah through the later rabbinic authorities attest to this requirement, and there is a powerful taboo against cremation reinforced by the millions of Jews burned in Nazi crematoria during the Holocaust. Nevertheless, as cremation becomes more common in mainstream society, the number of Jews opting for cremation appears to be increasing, forcing Jewish authorities to consider a number of related issues, including whether cremated remains may be interred in a Jewish cemetery and whether a rabbi may officiate at a funeral for someone who has been cremated.

Is cremation permitted by Jewish law?

Defenders of cremation point out that there is no explicit prohibition against cremation in Jewish legal sources. However there are prohibitions on defiling dead bodies and detailed procedures for handling them prior to burial — all of which appear inconsistent with the act of cremation. Proponents of cremation also point to biblical sources suggesting that Jews may have practiced the burning of dead bodies in ancient times.

Against that is a large body of Jewish literature that deals extensively with burial of the dead. In Genesis (3:19), God declares of man: “For dust you are, and to dust you shall return.” Deuteronomy (21:23) commands in the case of an executed criminal, “You shall surely bury him.” The requirement of burying the dead is explicitly codified in multiple later rabbinic sources as well, including Sanhedrin 46b, Maimonides’ Sefer Hamitzvot and the Shulchan Aruch.

Moreover, there are additional historical, cultural and spiritual arguments against cremation. According to the Jewish mystical tradition, the soul does not immediately depart the body after death, and the process of decay in the earth allows a gradual separation rather than the more immediate and painful one resulting from the burning of the body. Cremation was historically associated with pagan practices that Jews are repeatedly enjoined in the Torah to reject. And because the body is traditionally considered the property of God, it is forbidden to defile it, which some regard the willful burning of human remains to be.

For all these reasons, Orthodox and Conservative rabbinic authorities maintain that cremation is prohibited. The Reform movement has adopted conflicting positions on this question over the years, but the most recent rabbinic opinion on the subject states that while cremation ought to be discouraged, the practice is not considered sinful.

Can the remains of cremated Jews be buried in a Jewish cemetery?

Generally yes. Even in traditional communities, the fact that someone may not have adhered to Jewish law in their lifetime does not constitute grounds for their exclusion from Jewish burial grounds. Individual burial societies or Jewish cemeteries might decline to inter the ashes of a cremated body, in part as a deterrent to others who might also choose cremation. But there is nothing in Jewish law that bars them from burying ashes. Many Jewish cemeteries are known to bury ashes upon request , and the Reform movement has said explicitly that cremated remains of a Jewish person should be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Can a rabbi officiate at a funeral for someone who was cremated?

It depends on the circumstances. According to a ruling adopted by the Conservative movement’s legal authorities in 1986, in a case where a family declines the advice of a rabbi not to cremate a family member’s remains, the rabbi should not officiate at the interment, but may choose to officiate at a ceremony prior to the cremation. If the family did not consult a rabbi prior to cremation, the rabbi may choose to officiate at the interment.  The Reform movement does not object to its rabbis presiding over a funeral at which a cremation is to take place.

Does a deceased’s wish to be cremated have to be honored?

The Shulhan Arukh rules explicitly, citing Maimonides, that heirs must not respect the wishes of a deceased person not to be buried. While some rabbinic authorities differed on this point, contemporary Orthodox and Conservative authorities uphold the view that next of kin are not obliged to defer to the wishes of the deceased in such a case. The Reform movement has said that children are not forbidden from honoring a parent’s request to be cremated, yet neither are they obliged to do so if it contravenes their own religious principles.

Is cremation cheaper than burial?

Yes. According to a study from the National Funeral Directors Association, the median cost of a funeral in the United States in 2014 was $7,181, while cremation cost $6,078 — and could easily be far lower if certain services were foregone.  However, given the importance traditionally accorded to Jewish burial, many Jewish communities have resources, such as free burial societies, to subsidize a traditional burial in cases where the family lacks sufficient financial resources. In addition, it is traditional Jewish practice to bury someone in a simple pine casket, rather than the more expensive types of caskets that funeral homes often market.

Is embalming permissible in Jewish tradition?

Embalming is the process of preserving human remains, often to enhance presentability for public viewing. As with cremation, embalming is traditionally viewed as inconsistent with Jewish practices surrounding death and burial. Embalming a body is generally seen as a form of mutilation of the dead body, while the whole notion of preservation runs counter to the tradition that the dead be buried quickly and in as natural a state as possible. However exceptions for certain embalming procedures are occasionally made in extenuating circumstances, as when it is required by law or if a body must travel overseas for burial.

Articles on Cremation and the Jewish Community

National Jewish Burial Society Tries to Stem Increased CremationWhy I Oppose CremationMore Jews Opting for CremationHalf of Americans Choose Cremation As Views on Death ChangeSign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

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Traditionally, the Mi Sheberach is said in synagogue when the Torah is read. If the patient herself/himself cannot be at services, a close relative or friend might be called up to the Torah for an honor, and the one leading services will offer this prayer, filling in the name of the one who is ill and her/his parents. Many congregations sing the version of the Mi Sheberach written by Debbie Friedman, a popular Jewish folk musician who focused on liturgical music. (That version can heard in the video, and its lyrics read, at the top of this article.)

Increasingly, the Mi Sheberach has moved into other settings and other junctures. Chaplains, doctors, nurses, and social workers are now joining patients and those close to them in saying the Mi Sheberach at various junctures—before and after surgery, during treatments, upon admission or discharge, on the anniversary of diagnosis, and more. We present it to you here, in English translation and in transliteration from the Hebrew, as a resource for you as you confront the challenges of illness. The Hebrew text can be found here.

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Listen to Mi Sheberach (courtesy of Mechon Hadar)

Mi Sheberach in English Translation

May the One who blessed our ancestors —

Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,

Matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah —

bless and heal the one who is ill:

________________ son/daughter of ________________ .

May the Holy Blessed One

overflow with compassion upon him/her,

to restore him/her,

to heal him/her,

to strengthen him/her,

to enliven him/her.

The One will send him/her, speedily,

a complete healing —

healing of the soul and healing of the body —

along with all the ill,

among the people of Israel and all humankind,

soon,

speedily,

without delay,

and let us all say:  Amen!

Mi Sheberach in Hebrew Transliteration

The transliterated text below presents the prayer with correct pronouns for male and female patients. The word before the slash is for males, the one after for females.

Mi Sheberach

Avoteinu: Avraham, Yitzhak, v’Yaakov,

v’Imoteinu: Sarah, Rivka, Rachel v’Leah,

Hu yivarech virapei

et hacholeh/hacholah _____________ ben/bat ______________

HaKadosh Baruch Hu

yimalei rachamim alav/aleha,

l’hachalimo/l’hachlimah,

u-l’rap’oto/u-l’rap’otah,

l’hachaziko/l’hazikah,

u-l’chay-oto/u-l’chay-otah.

V’yishlach lo/lah bim-hera

r’fuah shlemah,

r’fu-at hanefesh u-r’fu-at hagoof,

b’toch sh’ar cholei Yisrael v’cholei yoshvei tevel,

hashta ba’agalah u-vizman kariv,

v’no-mar, Amen!

Reprinted with permission of the National Center for Jewish Healing, a program of the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services.

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When Is the Funeral Held?

The burial should take place as soon as possible. The biblical injunction is to bury on the same day as the death. The rabbis of the Talmud considered a speedy burial to be among the most important ways to honor the deceased. They believed that final atonement depended in part on the body returning to the dust of the earth and did not want the process delayed. By the time of the Middle Ages, since embalming was forbidden, it became a matter of hygiene and public safety that the body be buried expeditiously.

Yet, today it is difficult to hold a funeral on the day of the death itself. Proper preparation for burial and the need to notify the community require the funeral be held the day after death at the earliest. In addition, further delays are allowed in the following special cases:

1.      When close relatives must travel long distances to attend the funeral. As the Jewish community has become more and more mobile, families have scattered all over the continent, indeed the globe. Even though airplanes can bring together families in a matter of hours, the funeral may have to be delayed a day or two to allow for such travel.

2.      When Shabbat [Sabbath], the High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and the yom tov [holiday] days of the pilgrimage festivals of Sukkot, Passover, and Shavuot occur.

3.      When a suitable casket or shrouds are not available.

4.      When civil authorities require unavoidable postmortems, documentation, etc.

Funerals are almost always held in daylight hours (although in Jerusalem, burials do take place at night). Times are chosen that are convenient for the family and for a maximum number of friends to attend. Preferred times seem to be near the lunch hour and late afternoon.

Where Is the Funeral Held?

The place of the funeral varies according to the custom of the local community. Here are the options:

1.      The home. It is possible to have the service in a home, but very few people do this today.

2.      A funeral home. Many communities have a Jewish funeral home that houses the mortuary and a chapel for services.

3.      A synagogue. In some communities, the service begins in the synagogue sanctuary or chapel, and then proceeds to the cemetery. However, some congregations do not allow these services in the sanctuary, unless the deceased is an outstanding member of the community.

4.      The cemetery. In the larger Jewish communities, the cemetery will usually have a chapel for services on site.

5.      At graveside. In some ways the simplest of alternatives, it is absolutely appropriate to conduct the entire service at graveside. Of course, season and likely weather should be taken into consideration when choosing this option. Often, the cemetery will have some tenting for the immediate family, but usually not enough for the entire funeral party.

Is There a Standard Funeral?

Surprisingly, the answer is “No.” There is not a single standard for the service, although there are the following basic components:

1.  Readings. Generally, a funeral begins with several readings about death from Jewish sources. Psalm 23 with its famous verses, “Adonai is my Shepherd, I shall not want. God has me lie down in green pastures… God revives my soul for the sake of God’s glory… Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no harm, for You are with me… ”

Psalms 15, 24, 90, and 103 are also often recited. At the funeral of a woman, the Eshet Hayil [Woman of Valor] (Proverbs 31) is sometimes included. These readings offer comfort and reflection about the deceased and the survivors.

2.  The eulogy. The eulogy (hesped) is designed to recall the life, characteristics, and accomplishments of the deceased. Most often, it is offered by a rabbi who has been furnished information about the deceased in an earlier meeting with the bereaved. This is seen as a sign of respect and an honor to the deceased and the family. Yet, increasingly, members of the family request the opportunity to speak about the life of the departed. These personal eulogies are often delivered with great emotion and with a degree of insight that is difficult for a third party to achieve. In every case we know of, a eulogy offered by an adult child for a parent, or a brother for a sister, or even a grandchild for a grandparent has been a source of great comfort and honor for the mourners and a tremendously moving experience for the listeners. Some rabbis will welcome this contribution to the funeral (as long as not too many people want to speak), while others would prefer that personal eulogies be given at a shiva minyan [a home prayer service where mourners are able to say Kaddish, the memorial prayer].

3.  The memorial prayer—El Male Rachamim [God, full of mercy]. Among the most well known prayers in Jewish liturgy, the El Male asks God to grant perfect peace to the departed and to remember the many righteous deeds s/he performed. “May this soul be bound up in the bond of life (b’tzror hachayim) and may s/he rest in peace.” The cantor normally chants this memorial prayer in a plaintive, mournful voice.

Moving to the Grave Site

Generally, this concludes the formal service held in a synagogue or chapel and the funeral party moves to the grave site.

It is a great honor to be named a pallbearer. Generally, the honor is offered to close relatives and friends. The coffin is actually carried by hand or guided on a special gurney to the grave site by the pallbearers who, traditionally, pause several (usually three or seven) times before reaching the grave. This indicates our unwillingness to finally take leave of the loved one. The rabbi or cantor recites verses from Psalm 91 expressing confidence that God watches over us at each of these stops. It is considered an important responsibility of the community to follow the casket for at least a few steps on the way to the grave.

At the grave site, the final steps of the funeral ritual are performed. The mourners take their places by sitting in a row of chairs placed before the grave. If kriah, the rending of garments, has not taken place before the earlier service, the mourners stand and it is now done by the rabbi. The cantor may chant another psalm, and the rabbi often offers another reading from Psalm 91. Then, in traditional burial, the casket is lowered by hand or mechanical device, and the rabbi says in Hebrew, “May s/he go to her or his resting place in peace.” Some rabbis will also say the traditional prayer Tzidduk Hadin, justification of the divine decree, which acknowledges acceptance of the inevitability of death.

The climax of the service is when the mourners are asked to rise and recite the Mourner’s Kaddish (sometimes a [modified] version… is said), the ancient prayer which reaffirms our belief in the greatness of God. Then, mourners and those in attendance are invited to fill the grave with earth. Since this practice is not universally observed, the rabbi usually explains what is about to happen and the reasons why the community fulfills this ultimate mitzvah of burying the dead.

When the mourners are ready to leave the cemetery, two parallel rows are formed by the participants, creating an aisle for the bereaved to pass through on their way from the grave site. As the mourners walk through this corridor of consolation, the community offers the traditional prayer of condolence, “HaMakom y’nachem etkhem b’tokh sh’ar aveilei Tzion v’Yrushalayim“–“May God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” It is customary to wash the hands upon leaving the cemetery.

Two customs associated with filling the grave are 1) to use the convex side of the shovel and 2) not to pass the shovel hand to hand, but to replace it in the earth for the next participant, “lest death be contagious.”

Another interesting custom is to ask the deceased for forgiveness for any hurt one might have caused her/him. Some also pluck grass from the ground, which they throw behind them as a sign of their renewed awareness of human mortality.

Reprinted with permission from A Time to Mourn, A Time to Comfort (Jewish Lights).

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Kriah is an ancient tradition. When the patriarch Jacob believed his son Joseph was dead, he tore his garments (Genesis 37:34). Likewise, in II Samuel 1:11 we are told that King David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and rent them upon hearing of the death of Saul and Jonathan. Job, too, in grieving for his children, stood up and rent his clothes (Job 1:20).

Kriah is performed by the child, parent, spouse and sibling of the deceased. It is usually done at the funeral home before the funeral service begins. If a black ribbon is used, it is provided by the funeral director. Kriah is always performed standing. The act of standing shows strength at a time of grief. A cut is made on the left side of the clothing for parents — over the heart — and on the right side for all other relatives. Sometimes people choose to express deep feelings of grief by cutting on the left side for relatives other than their parents.

As the tear or cut is made, the family recites the following blessing:

Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha’olam dayan ha’emet.

Blessed are You, Adonai Our God, Ruler of the Universe, the True Judge.

The torn garment or ribbon is worn during the seven days of shiva (but not on Shabbat and festival days). Some people continue the practice for the 30-day period of mourning [sheloshim].

Reprinted with permission from The Jewish Mourner’s Handbook (Behrman House), by an editorial committee chaired by Rabbi William Cutter.

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