Issues Faced by Interfaith Couples

For interfaith couples in which one partner is Jewish and the other identifies as Christian, the holidays of Hanukkah and Christmas pose opportunities and challenges. When children are not involved, couples frequently share their respective traditions and try out ways to observe the holidays together.

Many holiday practices can be shared without violating either partner’s religious integrity. Prior to having children, the vast majority of interfaith couples I’ve known over the years tell me that the December holidays are not especially problematic and can even be enjoyable times to share each other’s traditions.

When children are involved, however, the December holidays are more likely to be stressful. Couples often struggle over which holiday to observe or how the respective holidays will be celebrated. Even when the children are being raised as either clearly Jewish or Christian, questions may arise about celebrating the “other” holiday. Parents often ask if they will confuse their children.

This issue surfaces most commonly when the children are being raised as Jews. Christmas observance can be perceived as a threat to their children’s Jewish identity and parents worry that others will question their commitment.

Parents’ ambivalence or difficulty in making decisions about children’s religious identity can lead to struggles between parents who try to attract children toward either religious tradition through holiday observances.  Clearly, “letting the children decide” poses a real risk when Christmas and Hanukkah become competitions in which the number of presents is what matters most.

Some parents use holiday observances as a substitute for choosing a religious affiliation or education for the children. If parents have not decided on their children’s religious upbringing, Christmas or Hanukkah observance can send signals to others that the children are being raised as either Christians or Jews–whether or not that is the case.

Guidelines for Making the Holidays Family Celebrations, Not Battlegrounds

Interfaith parents can lessen tensions and enjoy the December holiday season by making a commitment that Christmas and Hanukkah will not become a battleground. The following guidelines can help parents negotiate the December dilemma.

Share childhood holiday memories. When partners understand the significance of various activities and symbolic objects, greater openness and creative ideas for incorporating the meaning in holiday observances may emerge.

Respect each other’s heritage. More than tolerance is needed to communicate acceptance of each parent’s tradition. Sincere appreciation for the meaning and richness of both Christmas and Hanukkah will help parents to teach children effectively and to choose activities as partners rather than as adversaries.

Communicate the real spirit of the holidays. For example, families can select charities or organizations and make a donation rather than buy extra gifts. Volunteering to help others in need teaches children about the value of social action rather than materialism.

Recognize each partner’s needs and work out ways to meet them. For example, one parent may wish to honor his or her heritage by having a holiday symbol at home or by visiting extended family. Denying this need will breed resentment, whereas, negotiating an acceptable plan recognizes the partner’s need.

Keep the focus on the children’s needs. Although parents’ needs are important, they should not overshadow those of the children.

Try using the analogy of a birthday party when both holidays are observed and children are being raised in one religion. Children can understand that everyone wants other people to share a birthday celebration. Parents can use this common experience to explain that the family is helping Mom or Dad to celebrate her or his holiday so it will be fun and not lonely, just like going to someone else’s birthday party. It can be fun to share even if it’s not your birthday party!

When possible, celebrate holidays with extended family. Grandparents in particular wish to share holiday traditions with their grandchildren. Even when children are not being raised in the grandparents’ religion,  family celebrations can be avenues for relating, creating valued memories, and passing on traditions.  Regardless of the specific holiday plans, “family togetherness” can result when the themes of inclusiveness and sharing overshadow those of competition and control.

Work as partners to develop new family traditions. Although it is easier to let others make the plans and do the work, creating ways to celebrate aspects of the holidays unites the family and avoids observing holidays vicariously through the grandparents.

Avoid making a competition out of the holidays. Parents who use presents to show children how wonderful “their” holiday is send the implicit message that it is better to identify with the religion associated with the most gifts.

Help children understand that they can enjoy Christmas and Hanukkah activities without betraying either parent or their religious upbringing. At the same time, use holidays to reinforce children’s religious identity. Even children ask each other, “Are you Christmas or Hanukkah?” Children want to be able to have a holiday of their own. If the family celebrates both holidays, help children answer questions with responses such as, “We have Hanukkah at home and visit my grandparents for Christmas” or “We do something for both Christmas and Hanukkah because my mom (or dad) is Christian (or grew up Catholic or Protestant, etc.) and my dad (or mom) is Jewish.”

December holidays come around every year. Negotiating ways to create family celebrations rather than struggles is worth the effort. Have a wonderful season this year!

Reprinted with permission from The Guide to Jewish Interfaith Family Life: An InterfaithFamily.com Handbook (Jewish Lights Publishing).

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From Taboo to Commonplace

Outside the Orthodox community, it is increasingly common — and accepted — for American Jews to marry partners from different faith backgrounds. “Marrying out” was once widely seen as a rejection of one’s Jewish identity, and the ultimate taboo. Time was, some parents cut off contact with children who intermarried or even sat shiva for them, the ritual observed when a loved one dies. A famous example of this is in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof,” when Tevye shuns his daughter Chava for marrying a Russian Orthodox Christian.

Today, many American Jewish parents welcome non-Jewish sons- and daughters-in-law, and significant numbers of non-Orthodox rabbis officiate at their weddings, though the Conservative movement still bars rabbis from doing so. Growing numbers of intermarried Jews remain engaged in Jewish life and raise their children as Jews.

READ: How to Find a Rabbi or Cantor to Officiate at Your Interfaith Wedding

The situation outside the Jewish community has changed as well. While anti-Semitism and a broader culture less open to interfaith and interracial marriage once prevented earlier generations of American Jews from intermarrying in large numbers, today interfaith and intercultural marriages of all kinds (not just ones involving Jews) are more common, with a 2015 study reporting that almost 40 percent of adults who married in the previous five years have a partner of a different faith.

Impact of the 1990 National Jewish Population Study

Intermarriage became a major topic of American Jewish concern in the 1980s and ’90s, as high-profile demographic studies showed that the rate of Jews marrying non-Jews had escalated dramatically. In particular, the 1990 National Jewish Population Study, which reported that 52 percent of American Jews were intermarrying (later analysis indicated that the more accurate number was 43 percent), sparked much discussion about Jewish continuity and whether the Jewish population in America would all but vanish by assimilating into the larger culture.

In the two decades following the study, many communal leaders debated the merits of reaching out and welcoming the intermarried, versus focusing on in-married Jews. In addition, the study sparked a wide range of Jewish education initiatives that were aimed at strengthening Jewish identity — and that were often touted as keys to preventing intermarriage. In particular, many philanthropists and federations invested in Jewish day schools, summer camps, campus Hillels and, perhaps most notably, the Birthright Israel program, which offers free 10-day trips to Israel.

The Debate Over How to Respond to Intermarriage

In the aftermath of the 1990 study, rabbis and other leaders debated how best to respond to the large numbers of already intermarried Jews and their children. Many, particularly in the Conservative movement, feared that officiating at interfaith weddings, accepting interfaith families or permitting intermarried Jews to hold leadership positions, were all tantamount to condoning intermarriage — and would only encourage more Jews to intermarry.

Others argued that intermarriage is not something over which the Jewish community has any control. Egon Mayer, a pioneer in outreach to the intermarried and founder of the Jewish Outreach Institute (later called “Big Tent Judaism”), in 2001 famously compared debates about intermarriage to “arguing against the weather.”

While some leaders suggested that Jewish leaders be more aggressive about encouraging non-Jewish partners to convert to Judaism, others countered that such policies would alienate many people. In addition, while opponents of intermarriage pointed to statistics showing that intermarried Jews were less likely to raise their children within the faith, and were thus shrinking the ranks of the Jewish community, others argued that the intermarriage taboo and the perpetual hand-wringing about intermarriage were driving intermarried families — and liberal-minded young Jews — away, becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Patrilineal Descent: When Dad’s Jewish, But Mom Is Not

Another hotly debated issue concerning intermarriage is that of “patrilineal descent,” or the status of children who have a Jewish father and non-Jewish mother. While Jewish law stipulates that one must have a Jewish mother or undergo a conversion in order to be recognized as Jewish, the Reform movement in 1982 announced it would recognize as Jewish all children of intermarriage raised Jewish, regardless of the religion of the mother. The Reconstructionist movement adopted a similar policy three years earlier, in 1979.

Neither Orthodoxy nor the Conservative movement accept patrilineal descent, and the Chief Rabbinate of Israel does not recognize “patrilineal” Jews as Jewish. (While such Jews are eligible to immigrate to Israel under the Law of Return, which requires only Jewish ancestry, they face challenges marrying other Jews, being buried in Jewish cemeteries and with other religious issues. For more information on this topic and help navigating these issues, click here.) The differing views over “who is a Jew” mean that “patrilineal” Jews who wish to participate in more traditional Jewish communities, marry more traditional Jews or immigrate to Israel often undergo formal conversions.

Leadership vs. Grassroots

Amidst the hand-wringing and debates among Jewish leadership, growing numbers of rank-and-file Jews indicated they were comfortable with intermarriage. In a 2000 American Jewish Committee study, more than half of American Jews surveyed said they disagreed with the statement, “It would pain me if my child married a gentile,” and 50 percent agreed that “it is racist to oppose Jewish‑gentile marriages.”

In addition, even within the Conservative movement, where leaders had spoken out against inter-dating and intermarriage, a 2002 study of alumni of the movement’s Ramah camps found that only 30 percent dated only Jews.

READ: The War Over Intermarriage Has Been Lost. Now What?

By the second decade of the 21st century, many observers were suggesting that the intermarriage wars were over, and that intermarriage had won.

Rabbinic Officiation at Interfaith Weddings

To be sure, opposition to intermarriage remains, particularly among more traditional Jews who believe it violates Jewish law and threatens the Jewish future. While many Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis officiate at interfaith marriages, significant numbers do not, and few rabbis co-officiate with clergy of other faiths. While a growing cohort of rabbis within the Conservative movement are seeking ways to welcome intermarried couples, their movement still bars them from officiating at interfaith weddings. Orthodox rabbis do not officiate at interfaith weddings.

READ: Rabbis Should Say Yes to Officiating at Interfaith Weddings

However, where Jewish communal discussion of intermarriage was one dominated by questions of how best to discourage young Jews from marrying out (or, in a more positive spin, how to encourage them to marry within the Tribe), it has shifted largely to how best to engage Jews and their partners in Jewish life and encourage them to raise Jewish children. Growing numbers of leaders now speak of intermarriage as an “opportunity,” rather than a “threat” or “challenge.”

READ: Growing Numbers of Rabbis Are Children of Intermarriage

While some demographic studies continue to emphasize the dangers of intermarriage to Jewish continuity, others have pointed to more positive trends for the Jewish community  — in particular, an analysis of the Pew Research Center’s 2013 study on American Jewish identity finding that significantly more adult children of intermarriage are choosing to identify as Jewish now than used to — and, as a result, over the past two decades intermarriage may have “contributed modestly” to a Jewish population increase.

Remaining Challenges for Interfaith Families

Today most non-Orthodox synagogues and other Jewish institutions say they welcome interfaith families and encourage interested non-Jewish spouses to participate fully in their activities, regardless of whether or not they plan to convert.

Some restrictions remain — the Reform and Conservative movements will not ordain rabbis who are intermarried, although in 2015 the Reconstructionist movement lifted a policy barring intermarried rabbis. In addition, the Conservative movement still does not recognize as Jewish “patrilineal” Jews — but many rabbis still officiate at bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies or Jewish weddings of such people so long as they first undergo a pro forma conversion. Non-Jewish partners, particularly non-white ones, sometimes report subtle discrimination or Jewish chauvinism in Jewish settings — or find it off-putting when congregants or rabbis assume everyone in the community is Jewish. In addition, not all synagogues allow non-Jewish partners as official members.

Regardless of the welcome they get (or don’t get) from the Jewish world, interfaith couples still face some challenges that Jewish-Jewish couples do not as they navigate often emotional questions of how to raise their children and which traditions and holidays they want to observe as a family. Some also experience tensions or pressures from members of the non-Jewish side of the family.

READ: ‘December Dilemma’ Resources for Interfaith Families

As intermarriage has become more common, interfaith families are no longer a minority within the Jewish community, and those who wish to become involved in organized Jewish life face far fewer barriers than they once did. However, this population still faces some unique challenges — and it remains to be seen how high rates of intermarriage will affect the size and character of the American Jewish community over the long term.

Some Resources for Interfaith Families

• InterfaithFamily has a variety of services for interfaith couples and families, including help finding Jewish clergy to officiate or co-officiate at intermarriages. Its website contains hundreds of articles and essays about interfaith family life, and its local offices in San Francisco, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, Cleveland, Atlanta and Washington DC offer classes, meet-ups and other events.
• Honeymoon Israel offers subsidized group Israel tours for young married couples (under age 40), both Jewish-Jewish and interfaith. The goal is “to welcome all couples with at least one Jewish partner to the Jewish community” and help them connect with other couples who live near them.
• To find out how a wide variety of interfaith couples are making it work, check out Kveller’s Up Close photo series profiling 20 families.

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

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As interfaith weddings are becoming more common, cultural differences can add more stress to the occasion, especially if couples seek to honor both religious traditions. In fact, how to make wedding ceremonies inclusive and comfortable for the families, friends and guests is one of the most frequently-asked questions InterfaithFamily receives. More tips and sample prayers can be found in the group’s Guide to Wedding Ceremonies for Interfaith Families.

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

1. Involve
Involve family and friends in the planning.They will be more connected to the wedding if they have been a part of making the day a special one.

2. Explain

Provide a program with definitions and explanations of the various traditions and rituals represented in the ceremony, and ask the officiant to explain them during the ceremony.

3. Acknowledge
Acknowledge the couple’s two faith backgrounds at various points during the ceremony.

4. Be Sensitive
Choose readings that either are common to both traditions, or do not offend either one. Many wonderful readings used by interfaith couples do not come from any religious tradition, while other readings and prayers that do come from one religious tradition are not inconsistent or off-putting to participants from another faith. Consult with clergy over any questions or concerns you may have.

5. Common Rituals
Similarly, include rituals that are common to both traditions, or do not offend either one, for example blessings over wine, or lighting a Unity Candle, a traditional part of a Christian wedding.

6. Customize Your Ketubah
Create an interfaith ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract, now often a work of art couples frame and display in their homes.

7. Bring Both Families Under the Chuppah
Involve both families and traditions with the chuppah, the Jewish wedding canopy, representing the home that the couple will build together, that often consists of four poles and a cloth covering. Have the parents who are not Jewish make the chuppah covering. Have members of both families decorate and/or hold the chuppah poles. Have the chuppah covering reflect the tradition of the family that is not Jewish. One couple with a Chinese background had guests sign a red silk piece of material that was then used for the chuppah covering. (In Chinese culture red symbolizes joy and features prominently in wedding clothing and ritual objects).

8. Make the Sheva Brachot Participatory
Choose seven friends and family members from both sides to offer either the original or alternative versions of the sheva b’rachot, the seven blessings traditionally recited during a Jewish wedding.

9. Translate the Hebrew
Be sure that anything said in Hebrew — and any other language incorporated into the ceremony — is translated so that everyone present can understand.

10. Other Inclusive Activities
Include inclusive activities such as the handshake of peace, passing around a challah, or joining hands to sing a song together or to wish the couple well.

Seeking an officiant for a wedding? Fill out this quick form to be connected with a clergy person.

Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily: supporting interfaith families exploring Jewish life. Sign up for their newsletters here.

The post How To Make Your Wedding Inclusive appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

But I learned, even before I was ordained in 1984, how difficult and painful a decision it can be to say no to an interfaith couple seeking a rabbi to officiate at a wedding. A cousin of mine, knowing I was soon to be credentialed to perform weddings, asked if I would officiate at a ceremony for her and her Protestant fiancée.

I had thought long and hard about this question. Many a late-night discussion with fellow rabbinical students revolved around the pros and cons of officiating at interfaith weddings.

Some of us had reason to fear that–given the rising tide of interfaith marriages–pulpit positions would become increasingly scarce for rabbis who chose not to officiate at such weddings. Some of us created elaborate and principled rationales in favor of officiation. Many of us were simply confused. By the time of my ordination, however, I had decided that I could not officiate at an interfaith marriage. My cousin remained angry with me for years.

My decision to officiate at only those ceremonies involving two Jews is based upon several factors and conclusions:

Jewish Weddings Are Designed for Jews

The Jewish wedding ceremony is Jewishly rich and Jewishly specific in its context. Its rituals and language evolved to meet the needs of Jews and, when performed or spoken by non-Jews, becomes, in my mind, something other than a Jewish wedding, something in which I have no business being involved. For a non-Jew to perform those rites or speak those words would be akin to my stepping forward in a Catholic mass and asking to take communion–inappropriate and potentially offensive.

The presence of a rabbi at a wedding, regardless of what preconditions have been established, what words are spoken, or what rites are performed, screams “Jewish wedding” to all who are present. Insofar as I believe that interfaith marriage–as a phenomenon–is detrimental to the future of Jewish life, I cannot, by my participation in such a wedding, lend my imprimatur to something I do not condone.

I am troubled by the expectation on the part of many Jews that Judaism will be infinitely malleable to their needs. The Jew who automatically assumes that a rabbi will officiate at an interfaith wedding often views Judaism from the vantage point of “what can it do for me” rather than “what do I owe Judaism and the Jewish future”?

A Non-Jew Marrying a Jew Has the Choice of Converting

As a Reform Jew I sometimes exercise what some might consider radical freedom when, for example, I choose to officiate at weddings between two Jews of the same sex. I’ve been accused of hypocrisy for marrying Sarah to Rivka but not Joshua to Kristin. The crucial difference is that I believe that two same-sex Jews who seek to Jewishly consecrate their relationship have a legitimate claim on me as a rabbi. A gay or lesbian Jew hasn’t the option of altering a sexual identity to “fit” a traditional Jewish model of a marriage.

In an interfaith relationship, however, a non-Jew can always choose to become a Jew and then authentically embrace a Jewish wedding ritual. That there may be dozens of impediments to conversion or reasons why the non-Jew cannot, or doesn’t wish to, convert is not, ultimately, my problem to solve.

Extending a Hand Without Performing a Wedding

I have heard the horror stories: “The rabbi refused to officiate at my son’s interfaith wedding and my boy hasn’t stepped foot in a synagogue ever since.” “Rabbi So-and-so lost his position because he refused to perform an interfaith wedding for the temple president’s daughter.”

But I can also tell you of the conversations I’ve had with couples wherein I had the opportunity to explain my position, offer advice and counsel, and gained active members of my congregation because they were helped to understand that rabbinic officiation or non-officiation is an inappropriate litmus test of a rabbi’s worth and sensitivity… and that, moreover, there is far more to living a Jewish life than having a Jewish wedding.

I work hard to extend a warm and open hand to interfaith families. Well over half of the children in our congregation’s school come from interfaith families who have made the commitment to raise their children as Jews. A rabbinic presence at those weddings was not the compelling factor in the decision to create Jewish families. The accessibility of a caring rabbi who was willing to listen to concerns about creating a Jewish family when parents have different faith backgrounds often made the difference.

I cannot carry the weight of the Jewish future on my shoulders. I can only do my best to be true to my rabbinic vocation and to serve with as much sensitivity and compassion as I can muster the people within the orbit of my community and my work. Were I to compromise deeply held principles, I could not be an effective rabbi nor a conscientious Jew.

Reprinted with permission of InterfaithFamily.com.

The post Why I Don’t Officiate at Intermarriages appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Christmas, in effect, has become a prism through which Jews can view how living in this land of freedom has shaped our religion, culture, and identity.

Christmas in Europe

For centuries, the Jews of Central and Eastern Europe feared Christmas-time. At any other time, pious Jews would be studying Torah in the synagogue, but not on Christmas. Wary of being attacked in the street, they took refuge in their homes, playing cards or chess with their families.

The story was different in Western Europe, where, for the Jewish elite, holiday symbols — such as the Christmas tree — signified secular inclusion in society. Affluent German Jews often posed for portraits with their extended families in front of elaborately decorated Christmas trees. The Viennese socialite Fanny Arnstein, a co-founder of the Music Society of Austria, was among the first Jews to introduce a Christmas tree into the home, an act also practiced by none other than the father of modern Zionism, Theodor Herzl. Indeed, after Herzl completed his seminal book on Zionism in 1895, Vienna’s chief rabbi visited him at his home during the month of December. This historically significant meeting took place with a Christmas tree in view.

In Berlin, the great scholar of Jewish mysticism, Gershom Scholem, grew up in a home that celebrated Christmas “with roast goose or hare, a decorated Christmas tree which my mother bought at the market by St. Peter’s Church, and the big distribution of presents for servants, relatives, and friends…An aunt who played the piano treated our cook and servant girl to ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.'” These celebrations, Scholem believed, reflected the view that Christmas was “a German national festival, in the celebration of which we joined not as Jews but as Germans.” As a young adult, Scholem would reject his family’s celebration and, instead, attend a Maccabee ball for single Jews in Berlin — a matchmaking idea that has as its modern counterpart the Matzo Ball, a party for Jewish singles held in cities throughout North America.

Coming to America

As early as the 1870s, Christmas in America began to change from essentially a religious to a secular national holiday — a process accelerated by commercialization and the custom of gift-giving.

In response, some Jewish families in New York, San Francisco, Boston, Hot Springs, Baltimore, New Orleans, and Toledo staged their own celebrations on the night of December 24. Incorporating both Christmas and Hanukkah symbols, regardless if Hanukkah fell earlier or later on the calendar, they decorated Christmas trees, exchanged gifts, and hung wreaths on the doors of their homes and stockings on the fireplace. In addition, from the 1880s to the beginning of World War II, American Jews of German descent hosted balls — featuring dinner, dancing, and a concert — for their Jewish friends on Christmas Eve.

Those Jews sharing in the tenor of Christmas without partaking in its religious elements would engage in selective borrowing of Yuletide accoutrements, lending a festive spirit to Hanukkah by appropriating decorations such as garlands, wreaths, and evergreen boughs. Consider Sinai Congregation of Chicago’s celebration of Hanukkah, as reported in the December 27, 1878 issue of Chicago’s Jewish Advance:

The fine Temple was crowded with grown people and children. The Hanukkah Tree was brilliantly illuminated with wax candles. The services commenced with the singing of the first stanza of the Hanukkah hymn by the Sabbath-school children.

So, too, the Sabbath Visitor, a popular Jewish children’s magazine of the time, encouraged the decorative use of evergreens during the Festival of Lights. A story in the 1880 edition entitled “On Last Christmas” describes a Jewish family’s celebration of Hanukkah; home decorations included pictures of Moses and George Washington, a menorah covered with flowers, and the liberal use of wreaths and evergreens.

Perhaps the most widely appropriated Christmas custom among Jews was gift giving. The 1931 how-to classic What Every Jewish Woman Should Know, for example, included the following advice:

It is a time hallowed Jewish custom to distribute gifts in honor of the Hanukkah festival. If ever lavishness in gifts is appropriate, it is on Hanukkah. Jewish children should be showered with gifts, Hanukkah gifts, as a perhaps primitive but most effective means of making them immune against envy of the Christian children and their Christmas.

Sociological Significance

What were the consequences for Jews who embraced Christmas traditions? Starting in the 1950s, American Jewish sociologists conducted a number of studies. In his 1958 study of second-generation immigrant Reform Jews on Chicago’s South Side, clinical psychologist and rabbi Milton Matz revealed that in the second generation parents often agreed that a Jewish child might need a Christmas tree to “hyphenate the contradiction between his Americanism and his Jewish ethnicism.” Matz’s study also demonstrated that members of the third generation were increasingly likely to recognize the inherent contradiction in adopting the religious symbols of another group; they would eventually give up the Christmas tree and find other ways of expressing their acculturation into American society.

Sure enough, in a 1993 study Stanford religious studies professor Arnold M. Eisen validated Matz’s findings, demonstrating that the majority of American Jews no longer had Christmas trees. In 82 percent of Jewish households in which all members were Jewish, a Christmas tree had never been displayed. So too, sociologist Marshall Sklare’s research in the 1950s and ’60s on second- and third-generation Jews established that Hanukkah — formerly a “minor” Jewish holiday — had gained in importance when it became the Jewish alternative for Christmas.

“Instead of alienating the Jews from general culture,” wrote Sklare, “Hanukkah helps to situate him as a participant in that culture. Hanukkah, in short, becomes for some the Jewish Christmas.” Ironically, by elevating Hanukkah as a Jewish alternative to Christmas, American Jews had invented their own holiday tradition through a Christmas mirror.

The Christmas Mitzvah Season

One of the main ways of publicly proclaiming one’s Jewish identity in response to Christmas fever centered on the time-honored practice of “doing mitzvot“– charitable deeds that one’s Christian neighbors were also expected to do in “the spirit of Christmas.”

A January 8, 1886 article in the American Israelite described this phenomenon:

It is the custom here [Cincinnati], as in other cities, to provide a hearty meal for all the poor children of the vicinity during the Christmas holidays, also to give each child presents, in the shape of toys, candies, books, etc. Some of our leading citizens form themselves into a club to manage the affair…Many of our Hebrew families, recognizing that the movement was to make children happy, set aside all questions of faith and doctrine and contributed very liberally in money and material. In fact, so bountifully did they subscribe, that public notice had to be given that no more gifts could be received from any quarter.

For decades, volunteerism has been a way for Jews to embrace the Christmas spirit, while enabling Christians to celebrate their holiday. In so doing, Jews respond in a new way to Christmas consciousness — proudly proclaiming Jewish identity in the face of seasonal marginality.

The Jewish Santa

Perhaps the most ironic manifestation of the Christmas mitzvot phenomenon is the Jewish volunteer in a Santa suit. For more than 20 years, Harvey Katz, a lawyer from Glastonbury, Connecticut and a member of Congregation Kol Haverim, delighted children with his cheerful “ho-ho-ho” at the only place in town with a Santa — the Glastonbury Bank and Trust Company (where he served as the first Jewish trustee).

Jay Frankston of New York City also took up the role of Santa in 1960, at first to amuse his children. Later, upon discovering that the third floor of the city’s main post office served as the storage place for letters addressed to Santa Claus, he managed to gain access to the letters and decided to send telegrams to eight of the children saying, “Santa is coming.” Dressed as Santa, Frankston then made good on the promise, bringing the delighted children their presents. By 1972, he was providing gifts to 150 children. Publicity about Frankston’s good deeds attracted donations–donations that he, in turn, gave to charitable organizations to distribute at Christmas. “Before, Christmas didn’t belong to me,” Frankston explained. “Now, Christmas belongs to me.”

Today, thousands upon thousands of American Jews have become vested in Christmas through the doing of mitzvot — volunteering in soup kitchens and hospitals, visiting the homebound, preparing or delivering Christmas meals, buying Christmas presents for the poor, or substituting for colleagues at work. Increasingly, volunteerism has become an established means of combining the Jewish value of tikkun olam, repairing the world, with the Christmas message of bringing joy to the world.

Who would have imagined that this once-feared holiday would become an occasion for many American Jews to proudly affirm their identity both as Americans and as Jews?  

The post Jews and Christmas appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

My reply–“Sometimes. Can you tell me a little about your situation?”–elicits a sigh of relief, followed by a torrent of information, feelings, and concerns. Once we’ve worked through the preliminaries on the phone–the rabbi will be the only officiant; I don’t do weddings on Shabbat; and yes, that includes Saturday at 7:30 in June; the date and place are viable for me–we schedule an appointment so that I can meet face-to-face with both partners and talk.

Does This Relationship Support a Jewish Future?

We meet and have an excellent conversation. After an hour or so of careful questions and answers, and if it becomes clear to me that this is a relationship that will support a Jewish future, one I can say a blessing over, I will agree to do the wedding. Just as we’re finishing up, that anxious tone reappears in one of their voices: “Do you mind if I ask you one more question?”

“Not at all.”

“We’ve been turned down by a dozen rabbis all over the state. How come you’re willing to do interfaith marriages and they’re not?”

It’s a fair question, one I’ve been asked repeatedly over 28 years as a rabbi. Why do I officiate when so many of my colleagues do not? The answer comes in two parts. The first question is, Can I officiate at such a marriage? Only if that question is answered in the positive, does the second question arise, should I?

Rabbi’s Relationship to Jewish Law Is Determinative

Whether a rabbi feels that he or she can officiate has to do with halakhah (traditional Jewish law) and the rabbi’s relationship to it. Halakhah simply does not recognize the possibility of marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew; there is no such category in Jewish law. You could line up 70 rabbis, perform all the required actions, and pronounce all the required words, and it would still not be a marriage, within the rules of this system. The couple is simply not eligible to marry each other.

Obviously, if one accepts the halakhic definitions, the conversation stops right there. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis, who hold halakhah to be binding, can’t officiate. Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis have a more liberal approach to Jewish law, but that does not automatically mean that they believe they can officiate, either. Some would say that a rabbi’s authority to officiate at a marriage assumes a Jewish marriage and, following the traditional definition, a Jewish marriage requires two Jews. If so, again, the conversation is over.

Others of us, however, would say that our mandate as rabbis in the contemporary world involves serving the needs of Jews and Jewish life in some ways that the tradition never envisaged. If so, then officiation at a marriage where only one partner is a Jew can become possible.

It Can Be a Mitzvah to Officiate

But even if one can, should one officiate? I believe–and this language will drive some of my more traditional colleagues crazy–that it is a mitzvah, a religiously mandated act, to do so under the proper circumstances. I base this position on several premises. The first is that a deeply rooted, mutually nurturing love relationship is a gift of God, deserving of acknowledgment and blessing. The second is that all marriages are mixed marriages.

Any two human beings who pair up will have some areas in which they are a perfect fit and others where, having grown up in different circumstances–whether economic, political, cultural, interpersonal, geographical, or religious–their assumptions and internal maps will differ in ways that challenge them to find common approaches with which both partners can live.

Any viable relationship must look these differences in the face and figure out how to deal constructively with them. I see this as a major agenda in premarital counseling. Religion, you will have noted, is simply one of these areas, and one which, like the others, can usually be addressed in ways that will strengthen the relationship. When a couple approaches a rabbi to officiate at their marriage, they are already making a statement about where they think viable common ground can be found. (I exclude here the “we don’t care, and it will keep my mother from having a heart attack” argument, which is not very frequent and which does not, in my view, justify rabbinic officiation.)

Very often in my experience, non-Jewish partners who, for any of a number of very good reasons, do not see themselves converting to Judaism, at least in the foreseeable future, can be very comfortable about supporting the Jewish partner’s religious identity, living in a home that identifies with a welcoming Jewish community, and bringing up Jewish children. Such a couple, in my opinion, represents a positive contribution to the Jewish future, and I am glad to assist them with a ceremony that carries the resonances of Jewish tradition while making those changes in wording that permit it to reflect the couple’s situation with integrity.

Thus, I would not use the traditional formula “according to the laws of Moses and Israel” for such a couple, as traditional Jewish law does not accord with this ceremony. On the other hand, to affirm, as I do, that the commitment is “according to Divine and human law” spreads a more universal and, I believe, accurate umbrella over the proceedings. Nearly three decades of experience have taught me to rejoice in the opportunity to offer blessings over such a relationship and the future it promises.

Reprinted with permission of InterfaithFamily.com.

<!–Rabbi Neil Kominsky is Rabbi of Temple Emanuel of the Merrimack Valley, Lowell, MA, and Jewish Chaplain at Phillips Academy, Andover, Mass. He was educated at Harvard College and the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati, where he was ordained in 1970.

This article originally appeared in and is reprinted with permission of InterfaithFamily.com. Visit www.InterfaithFamily.com for articles, resources, discussions and more.

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The post Why I Do Officiate at Intermarriages appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Whether you ignore Christmas altogether (not so easy amid the commercials, office parties, holiday decorations etc.), use it as an excuse to go to a movie and eat Chinese food, or celebrate it with non-Jewish friends or family, the holiday — and its proximity to Hanukkah — can provoke a lot of emotions. Parents often feel pressure to make Hanukkah extra elaborate to quell their children’s (or their own) Christmas envy.

For interfaith families in particular, December can be a stressful time, demanding decisions about whether to celebrate one or both holidays and how to deal with hurt feelings or disapproval from extended family.

Below are some articles (from a wide range of perspectives) and resources for those grappling with, or simply wanting to learn more about, the “dilemma.” Feel free to add more suggestions in the comments section. Scroll down for articles that are interfaith family-specific.

General

History of Jews and Christmas

How Christmas Transformed Hanukkah in America

Taking the Christmas Out of Hanukkah

Why I’m Having My Jewish Kids Decorate a Christmas Tree

You Need to Talk to Your Jewish Kids About Santa

I Celebrate Hanukkah — But Here’s Why I Love Christmas

Should Hanukkah Be the Jewish Christmas?

The Joy of Not Celebrating Christmas

Ask the Expert: Should I Go to My Office’s Christmas Party?

The Jews Who Did Christmas

How to Lose the Chip on Your Shoulder During Christmas

When You Feel Like the Only Kid in Town Without a Christmas Tree

An Overdue Apology to Santa from a Nice Jewish Girl

Don’t Let Your Kids Ruin Santa for Their Christian Friends

The Jewish Mother’s Guide to Surviving Santa

Can You Celebrate Both Hanukkah and Christmas? Tips For Interfaith Families

A great resource for interfaith families (and not just in December) is InterfaithFamily, which offers a Guide to December Holidays for Interfaith Families along with numerous blog posts/essays about navigating the December holidays.

Holiday Tips for Interfaith Families

Enough Already With the Christmas Wars!

The Great Hanukkah Christmas Debate Roundup

Why I’m Not Afraid of Natalie Portman’s Christmas Tree

An Apology to My Husband: Sorry for Ruining Christmas, Again

The Interfaith Evergreen Dilemma

Oy, Tannenbaum: There’s a Christmas Tree in My Dining Room

How We Celebrate Both Hanukkah and Christmas

A Rabbi’s Take on the Whole Celebrating Christmas and Hanukkah Thing

Actually You Can’t Celebrate Both Hanukkah and Christmas

Out of the Home for Christmas

My Family Tree is Loaded With Tinsel

My Jewish Son’s Love of Christmas

Cheery and Challenging Hanukkah-Christmas Chatter

Shedding Light on One Family’s December Dilemma

Explore Hanukkah’s history, global traditions, food and more with My Jewish Learning’s “All About Hanukkah” email series. Sign up to take a journey through Hanukkah and go deeper into the Festival of Lights.

The post The December Dilemma appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

. May someone not Jewish be buried in a Jewish cemetery? May a Jew be buried in a cemetery that’s not Jewish?
. Who officiates at services for a spouse or relative who is not Jewish?
. May Jews observe Jewish mourning rituals for relatives who are not Jewish?
. May Jews participate in funerals of people of other faiths? May those who are not Jewish participate in Jewish funerals?

Note that a person who converts to Judaism is considered to be Jewish in every way. Here, someone not Jewish refers either to someone who practices a faith other than Judaism or to someone who may participate in Jewish celebrations and communal life, but never formally converted.

The responses below to these questions are based on American Reform Jewish opinion. For Orthodox and traditional perspectives on these issues, click here.

Question #1 – Cemetery Burial

It is accepted practice in the Reform community to bury a spouse who is not Jewish in a Jewish cemetery. The opinion of Reform thinkers is that when others disallow the burial of a person who isn’t Jewish in a Jewish cemetery, they are adhering to custom, not Jewish law. The Talmud, or body of texts that comprises Jewish law, states that for the sake of peaceful relations, we may bury the non-Jewish dead (Gittin 61a). Bear in mind that this teaching does not come from the modern liberal era we inhabit, but from an ancient context in which dividing lines between religious groups were thick and often rigid.

Reform Judaism’s practice has been to permit relatives who aren’t Jewish to be buried in Jewish cemeteries provided that there be no symbols of other religions on the person’s grave marker. Generally, clergy of other faiths are not permitted to officiate at the interment in a Jewish cemetery. The rules do differ from cemetery to cemetery, so it’s always a good idea to ask.

The concept of a Jewish cemetery is an extension of Jewish communal identity and cohesion. It is, therefore, desirable for Jews to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. Yet, when a Jew is buried in a non-Jewish cemetery, a rabbi may officiate nonetheless.

Question #2 – Who Officiates for a Spouse Who is Not Jewish?

Here is the typical model that is used in the Reform movement: If a spouse who is not Jewish is a practicing member of another faith, a clergy person of that faith officiates at the church, mosque, funeral home or other facility being used for a funeral. If the interment for the deceased is to be in a Jewish cemetery following the funeral, generally a rabbi officiates at the graveside. If a spouse who is not Jewish has been part of Jewish family and communal life, but has never converted, a rabbi may officiate at the funeral and at the interment, if such was the wish of the deceased.

Question #3 – Observing Jewish Rituals for Those Who Are Not Jewish

Traditionally, Jewish mourning rituals are observed for a deceased spouse, parent, sibling or child. If the (not Jewish) deceased stands in one of these relations to a Jewish mourner, we encourage the mourner to observe Jewish mourning customs. Such practices are intended to support the living and to help them express their grief. They also serve to honor the memory of the deceased by those to whom they were beloved. Kaddish — the prayer extolling God that is said by mourners — then, may certainly be recited for those not Jewish. Converts to Judaism may say Kaddish for deceased relatives who were not Jewish.

Question #4 – Participation in Funerals

Jews mourning relatives and friends who were not Jewish may attend funeral services held in a church or funeral chapel. Jews may serve as pall bearers and may accept an invitation to speak about the deceased. In a Roman Catholic funeral, the Eucharist (Communion) may be included. Of course, Jews do not participate in receiving communion, nor do Jews kneel during the service. In certain Protestant denominations, the funeral is an occasion to witness for Jesus, with less emphasis on the life of the deceased. Jews can participate in these funerals as guests without participating in requests by the officiants for people to declare their allegiance to Jesus or embrace Christian theological beliefs.

Participation by those who are not Jewish in a Jewish funeral tends to involve serving as pall bearers and/or offering a eulogy. Rabbis will help guide, advise and support people of other faiths who want to offer loving participation in a Jewish person’s funeral or burial.

Conclusion: The Connection to Hesed Shel Emet, Acts of Loving-Kindness

In Jewish tradition, burial of the dead is sometimes referred to as hesed shel emet, a Hebrew expression that roughly translates to “an act of true loving-kindness.” This term expresses the idea that what we do for the dead is the most sincere and selfless act of caring we can perform, since the dead cannot repay us. Burying relatives who were not Jewish in our midst and expressing our grief through Jewish mourning practice is no less an effort of true loving-kindness. The act of hesed shel emet stands as a memorial to relationships in life which bespoke love, devotion and caring. Further, our openness promotes peace among the living. If we want our beloved deceased to rest in peace, we, their survivors, must find wholeness and completeness in their death through sharing our tradition.

Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily: supporting interfaith families exploring Jewish life. Sign up for their newsletters here.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

Looking for a way to say Mourner’s Kaddish in a minyan? My Jewish Learning’s daily online minyan gives mourners and others an opportunity to say Kaddish in community and learn from leading rabbis.

The post Mourning Non-Jewish Loved Ones: A Reform Perspective appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

1. Prepare your partner, children and guests who are not Jewish.

As more and more partners, children and extended family who are not Jewish attend seders, letting them know what to expect will be helpful. Whether you are hosting or attending a seder, explain what will happen, who will be there, what will be eaten and when, and what they will be asked to do during the meal. Tell everyone that welcoming those who are not Jewish to the seder makes it a special and more valuable occasion and that the purpose of the seder is not to proselytize, but to celebrate freedom.

2. Select the right Haggadah.

The Haggadah is the book that contains the order, blessings, narrative and songs for the seder. There are Haggadahs to reflect different approaches and needs, from traditional to liberal, from recovering alcoholics to feminists to vegetarians and more. Consider selecting a Haggadah that:

• Uses Hebrew with aligned translation and transliteration, so that people unfamiliar with Hebrew are better able to follow along.
• Is inclusive and reflects gender equality.
• Provides background and explanations for the rituals.

3. In advance of the seder, consider rephrasing parts of your Haggadah to be more welcoming to the people who will be coming to it.

Doing this with your partner’s and/or children’s help, might enable them to feel more a part of things and can unite the family.

4. Add blessings to welcome those who are not Jewish.

For some ideas, check out this article. You can include some or all of these in your own seder, or write your own blessings, with your family.

5. Assign everyone passages from the Haggadah to read aloud during the seder.

Participating in this way can give your partner, children and friends a better opportunity to experience the seder. Review the Haggadah before the seder to identify appropriate sections for them.

6. Connect the story of the Passover liberation story to other freedom stories, past or present, political and/or psychological (such as freedom from negative patterns).

If there are particular struggles that people attending your seder would relate to (such as the struggle for independence in India if an Indian woman will attend), be sure to mention them. Or discuss ten “plagues” that we face today. This discussion may engage your partner, children and friends.

7. Don’t forget to have fun.

Seders can be relaxed and informal. Some families add favorite songs that children learn in religious school, while others enjoy reading aloud Deborah Uchill Miller’s “Only Nine Chairs,” a humorous account of a family seder.

8. Remember the children.

Some families have created a “Pat the Bunny”-type Haggadah for young children, using coloring sheets and cotton balls on pictures of sheep, sandpaper on pictures of bricks of the pyramids and grape scratch-and-sniff stickers on pictures of the Kiddush cups. Some even give children “goody bags” filled with Passover symbols, frog stickers and even moist towelettes for the inevitable spills of wine.

9. Debrief after the seder.

Talk with your family about the ways in which they felt comfortable and uncomfortable. Find ways to diminish any discomfort for the coming year’s seder.

Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily: supporting interfaith families exploring Jewish life. Sign up for their newsletters here.

The post How to Make Your Passover Seder Inclusive appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There was a great deal of controversy about this resolution, both before and after its adoption. Some saw it as a radical and unwarranted departure from tradition, wherein one must have a Jewish mother or undergo a conversion to be considered Jewish. Others hailed it as a productive and inclusive approach to the increasing prevalence of interfaith families.

Who is a Jew?

Although the Hebrew Bible defines Jewish identity in patrilineal terms (determined by the identity of the father) the Mishnah states that the offspring of a Jewish mother and a non-Jewish father is recognized as a Jew, while the offspring of a non-Jewish mother and a Jewish father is considered a non-Jew. This talmudic position became normative in Jewish law.

But the 1983 resolution was not the first attempt to reconsider patrilineality. Already in the 19th century, many Reform rabbis quietly integrated the children of Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers into their religious schools and confirmed them into the Jewish faith along with their peer group in lieu of conversion. In 1947, the CCAR adopted a resolution that stated that if a Jewish father and a gentile mother wanted to raise their children as Jewish, “the declaration of the parents to raise them as Jews shall be deemed sufficient for conversion.”

This recommendation had a somewhat different implication then the 1983 resolution in that the parents were “converting” their children, but the social impact was virtually identical. The insistence on a “conversion” was dropped completely in the 1961 CCAR Rabbi’s Manual. “Reform Judaism accepts a child… as Jewish without a formal conversion if he attends a Jewish school and follows a course of study leading to confirmation.” However, the manual simply offered guidance to rabbis and did not carry the weight of full-fledged resolution.

A Pivotal Change

By 1983, the CCAR was ready to spell out the patrilineal descent resolution in greater detail. By this time there was a broad-based commitment to egalitarianism. To many, it seemed unnecessarily biased to accept the child of a Jewish mother and a gentile father as Jewish while rejecting the child of a Jewish father and a gentile mother. It seemed unfair that children who had no Jewish education were being given automatic recognition if they had a Jewish mother while children who received intense Jewish upbringings but had only a Jewish father were not. Even more importantly, the rising intermarriage rate made it imperative that the net of Jewish identity be cast as widely as possible.

READ: The War on Intermarriage Has Been Lost. Now What?

Rabbi Alexander Schindler, the president of the Union of American Hebrew Congregations (UAHC), decided that the Reform movement needed to act, and he urged his fellow Reform rabbis to pass a resolution accepting patrilineal children as Jewish. He believed this would preserve Jewish continuity in the face of escalating intermarriage rates. Schindler argued that most Jews wanted their children and grandchildren to be Jewish, but that if they were told that this required conversion, substantial numbers would give up and raise their children as non-Jewish.

Schindler initiated a process that eventually led to the CCAR voting in favor of what became known as the Patrilineal Descent Resolution. The resolution declared that “the child of one Jewish parent is under the presumption of Jewish descent. This presumption of the Jewish status of the offspring of any mixed marriage is to be established through appropriate and timely public and formal acts of identification with the Jewish faith and people.”

What this meant was that if a child was born of either a Jewish father or a Jewish mother, and was raised as Jewish, that child would be regarded by the Reform movement as Jewish. They were, however, expected to participate in the various Jewish life-cycle ceremonies which usually mark the life stages of a Jewish person.

Interestingly, this created the possibility that someone who had a Jewish mother, but had not been raised Jewish and had not had any public religious acts of identification such as a Jewish baby-naming ceremony, a bar or bat mitzvah, or a Jewish confirmation service could theoretically be regarded as a non-Jew despite his or her lineage. However, many rabbis recognize lineage alone.

Reactions and Repercussions

Although the general idea of the resolution was widely accepted within the Reform movement, there was considerable dissatisfaction with the wording of the resolution and confusion over its implications.  In 1996, the CCAR created an 11-member task force to interpret and develop guidelines for the successful implementation of the patrilineal descent policy. The task force recommended that the resolution be referred to as “equilineal descent” or simply “Jewish descent” rather than patrilineal descent since the resolution accepted descent from either the mother or the father.

The patrilineal descent resolution provided a viable solution for couples who felt comfortable with their personal religious differences but wanted to raise their children with a singular religious faith.

Furthermore, Jewish identity was now something one chose rather than something that simply “was.” Children with one Jewish parent were being asked to voluntarily undergo significant religious acts of identification as a way of showing their commitment to Judaism and to the Jewish people.

While Jewish children had always been asked to prepare for their bar and bat mitzvahs, their Jewishness was never contingent upon successful completion of that ceremony or any other.  The Patrilineal Descent Resolution shifted the emphasis from birth to conscious choice.

The Broader Implications

Tens of thousands of people have been raised as Jews because of the legitimacy accorded them as a result of this resolution. However, patrilineal Jews are likely to encounter problems later in life if they decide to become more traditional in their observance. A problem arises if Reform Jews who are Jewish by patrilineal descent choose to participate in ritual or celebrations at more observant synagogues. Can they be called up for an aliyah? Can they help to form a minyan (the quorum of 10 Jews required for many prayers)? In most cases, the answer would be no.

Conservative and Orthodox Jews do not recognize patrilineal descent as a valid means of passing on Judaism. “Who is a Jew?” has been a controversial issue for several decades, and the Patrilineal Descent Resolution deepened the division between the opposing viewpoints. There already existed a split between American and Israeli Jews as only specific Orthodox conversions were recognized in Israel by the (Orthodox) Chief Rabbinate.

READ: Op-Ed: Why Conservative Judaism Should Accept Patrilineal Jews

The eventual sociological implications of patrilineal descent are still unknown. As the first generation of Jews recognized under this resolution begins to have children, Jewish identity and status will only become more complicated. The continued acceptance of intermarriage and the many new strategies being experimented with to make Judaism more welcoming add to the matter. However, as with any drastic change in Jewish law, it is clear that the discussion of patrilineal descent is far from finished.

Note: The Reconstructionist movement also recognizes patrilineal descent. 

The post Who Is a Jew: Patrilineal Descent appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Talk with your rabbi early to know what the opportunities might be. Each synagogue is different. There is only one way to know what a congregation and a rabbi will permit family members to do: ask. Most non-Jewish parents are relieved just to know what they and their “side” of the family can do in a religious service. Rabbis and congregations owe it to their interfaith-married families to share openly the policy for non-Jewish participation in bar/bat mitzvah celebrations.

Some practical questions to ask include:

·        Can both parents be on the bimah (pulpit) as the child is called to the Torah?

·        Can non-Jewish relatives participate in any of the honors given out Friday night or Saturday morning, e.g., opening the ark, dressing the Torah, reciting specific prayers or blessings like the Prayer for the Country?

·        If the Torah is passed down through the generations, can non-Jewish parents and grandparents share in that passing?

Remember: Synagogues are in the business of helping Jewish families live Jewish lives. Each community has its limits and privileges. Just as a non-Christian would not take communion, so too, synagogues have frameworks within which non-Jewish family members can participate.

Teach non-Jewish family members about the upcoming ceremony of bar/bat mitzvah. Take the time to let non-Jewish relatives understand why your child is preparing so hard for his/her special Shabbat (Sabbath). Help them learn what Torah means, how Jews understand bar/bat mitzvah.

Among the books available, I recommend two in particular: Bar/Bat Mitzvah Basics: A Practical Family Guide to Coming of Age Together and Putting God on the Guest List: How to Reclaim the Spiritual Meaning of Your Child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Show non-Jewish family members what being Jewish means to your family and to your community. Invite them to join you when you celebrate a holiday or Shabbat in your home. Allow them to experience another child becoming a bar/bat mitzvah, so they will be more comfortable when their relative stands on the bimah.

Such preparation can begin a few months before the ceremony or even before a baby is born. But there is another type of preparation. The challenge of an interfaith family raising Jewish children is balancing each parent’s own religious tradition and the Jewish tradition in which the child is raised. Emotional and religious dynamics come to the forefront during this time. Questions parents should ask of themselves include:

·        As the non-Jewish parent, what has been my commitment to my child’s Jewish life? Have I helped to instill Jewish values and traditions? Will my participation in the ceremony be a natural extension of who I have been all along?

·        As the Jewish parent, will my spouse be comfortable participating in rituals that she or he may not believe in, or may not feel apply to her or him?

·        Has our extended family been supportive and nurturing of our decision to raise our child as a Jew? Will they be comfortable participating in a Jewish service when they themselves do not choose to be Jewish?

If the answer is “no” to any of these questions, this can be a wonderful teaching moment, where parents help their child understand that values and actions go hand in hand. Clearly, most children desire their parents and family all to celebrate. They want to be “like everyone else.” This is an opportunity for parents to teach about the statement one makes when leading Jewish worship (by accepting an honor during services). And the statement is, “I support my child’s Jewish choices, my child’s Jewish identity.”

The parent (or family) who has been uninvolved Jewishly can still celebrate authentically and participate fully in the “secular” aspects of the celebration (party, etc.) and in those aspects of the service that involve “presence” but not “participation.” In this manner, the child is honored by both parents (and family), and the child understands the privilege of “being Jewish and behaving Jewishly.”

Honest answers will help each family know what level of participation is appropriate for this “coming-of-Jewish-age” ceremony for the child.

Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily.com.

The post Bar/Bat Mitzvah Planning Issues for Interfaith Families appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

When I was growing up in Georgia, my mom used car rides as a time for family history lessons, singing old bluegrass ditties and telling folk legends. Many of them included vaguely magical elements — mentions of ghosts and haints, a great-grandmother with the Sight, or mountain medicine that, by all modern accounts, shouldn’t be effective at all. These legends are as much a part of my heritage as that of the Burning Bush or Jonah and the Whale.

It has never been a question of whether or not the stories are true. They’re still powerful.

Similarly, the lessons from the Torah don’t have to be factually sound in order to be powerful. We give the stories their power in their retelling, keeping them alive and helping them be reborn in each new generation.

Although my extended families come from different faiths, my heritages are two sides of the same coin. I can hold as tightly to moonshiner ballads and pioneer superstitions as I can Hava Nagila and the Golem of Prague, and I firmly believe that the best way to end Passover is with a buttermilk biscuit. When we are invited to explore the richness of our own internal diversity and are encouraged not to reject either side but to embrace them both, the whole becomes greater than sum of its parts.

Recently, I have sensed this capacity for narrative evolution in my students who come from interfaith families. Some community members worry that the child will get confused if they are exposed to too many conflicting perspectives, or perhaps that one faith or the other is struggling to become the dominant context in the child’s life. Rather than worry, let’s listen to the story they have to tell: pieces of congruent cultures, faiths, and nations that weave together and imbue us all with the potential for communal growth.

Like many Americans, my family’s legacy starts with immigration, but this is not a story about assimilation; it is a celebration of mixed heritage. Likewise, it is not about belief or disbelief in differing histories, but about trust in the wisdom and power of oral tradition, whether independent of or resulting from faith. I will spend my life telling this story, one that is as classically Jewish as it is endearingly Appalachian.

The post A Spiel and a Yarn appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

For interfaith families in particular, the convergence of the holidays can be stressful, requiring decisions about whether to celebrate one or both holidays and how to deal with hurt feelings or disapproval from extended family.

Below are links to some personal essays and articles about how some interfaith families navigate this season:

My Family Celebrates Both Passover and Easter: This Is How

A Different Spring Dilemma

Santa, the Easter Bunny and Raising a Jewish Child

When Passover and Easter Meet, No Bread, No Meat

Matzah and Mass: Interfaith Families Tackle their Passover-Easter Dilemma

Have suggestions for other articles to include? Please leave a comment with the link below!

The post When Passover and Easter Coincide appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

“We could take him on Yom Kippur,” she said.

I reacted immediately, with maximum emotional violence.

“Are you out of your mind?” I said. “You can’t go to Disneyland on Yom Kippur!”

“Why not?” she said. “It’s open.”

“Yeah,” I said. “But it’s Yom Kippur! That’s just not appropriate.”

“Come on. You hate Yom Kippur. You don’t do anything on Yom Kippur.”

“That’s not the point! Would you take Elijah to Disneyland on Easter?”

My wife, if you hadn’t guessed, isn’t Jewish.

“I might,” she said.

“Well, that’s your mishegas,” I said. “Under no circumstances would I ever go to Disneyland on Yom Kippur.”

“Fine,” she said. “Elijah and I will go, and you can stay home by yourself and atone for your sins.”

“Or commit some,” I said.

“My point exactly.”

*****

It wouldn’t be fair to call me a non-observant Jew. I lead my extended family’s first-night Passover seder every year. When we light Hanukkah candles, I force my half-breed to sing Maoz Tzur. I belong to Jewish cultural organizations and mailing lists and know the meaning of the phrase tikkun olam. Certain scenes in Barry Levinson’s Avalon bring me to tears. But when it comes to the High Holidays, and, in particular, Yom Kippur, I’m about as Jewish as the guy behind the counter at my neighborhood bodega.

Yom Kippur Memories

My childhood High Holidays were dreary, context-less affairs, performed at a downtown Phoenix theater-in-the-round, featuring a drippy slideshow of various nature scenes accompanied by a recording of Cat Stevens singing Morning Has Broken. No one ever revealed to me how that symbolized Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur, but clearly, someone at Temple Beth Israel liked Cat Stevens. Eventually my father, raised to believe that synagogue meant something more than low-fi entertainment, had enough of this Reform community. We switched to the Conservative services, which were even worse. At least the Reform services had cute girls and nice cushioned seats. At the Conservative services, you could barely hear the rabbi over all the snoring.

Every year, we went to the same break-fast at my father’s business partner’s house. The children were older, they had no toys, and the buffet always featured the world’s largest salmon mousse. Some time after my Bar Mitzvah, my parents switched temples again, and they dragged my sisters and me along with them no matter what. Every year, it got less interesting. But on the High Holidays, my mother said, you go to services. It’s something that you do.

When I went off to college I dragged myself, sometimes during new student week, to High Holiday services in an acoustically perfect concert hall, where even an hour of my devout time felt like a prison sentence. After a couple of years of this, I published an essay in a campus magazine talking about how alienated I felt as a Jew. This got me a call from the campus rabbi, who somehow saw in my confusion the opportunity to breed a new generation of campus Jewish leaders.

But that didn’t work. As I entered adulthood, I completely knocked the High Holidays off the calendar. No one invited me to their break-fasts or their Rosh Hashanah dinners. Some years, shul passed without occurring to me at all, unless it involved interruptions to Shawn Green’s playoff schedule. For so many reasons, Yom Kippur stayed off the docket. Tickets are too expensive. I don’t like waking up in the morning and putting on a suit. I get really grumpy when I fast.

Atoning for What?

Most importantly, I realized, I simply don’t buy what the holiday has, theologically, to offer. It’s hard to atone for your sins when you don’t believe in the concept of sin, and particularly not in the concept of sin when bundled into a mass confessional before a basically uncaring judge who decides, one day a year, whether or not you’re going to live or die. Perhaps, in a certain cultural context, that made sense once upon a time, but it doesn’t now, at least not to me.

These aren’t excuses so I can behave badly. If anything, over the last few years my dedicated practice of yoga has imbued my life with a stronger ethical context than before, if not a strictly theological one. One of the challenges of yoga is to live according to the yamas–core ethical principles for making a happier world, including non-stealing, respect for others, sexual fidelity, and other stuff that, had it not been written at least 1000 years before the Old Testament, could have been lifted straight out of the, Ten Commandments.

I realize that trying to live according to ethical principles isn’t the same as wiping the slate clean of “sin” every year. Still, I just can’t deal with synagogue. Do I really need to make myself extra-miserable because in the last year I smoked pot, looked at porn, and ran a stop sign in May? I don’t even feel sorry for the first two things.

But maybe I’ve just not thought deeply enough about the real point of Yom Kippur. Is it possible that Yom Kippur exists to make you think about how to live your life well, not to force you to wear an itchy sports coat and enact rituals that you don’t particularly understand? If that’s the case, it’s a sneaky holiday indeed. But at least I’ll have something to do while my family goes to Disneyland.

The post Why I Balked At Disneyland on Yom Kippur appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

But why does traditional Jewish law favor matrilineal descent?

Some people say that Judaism goes by matrilineal descent because we always know who a person’s mother is, and we don’t always know who a person’s father is. However, a person’s status as a priest, Levite, or Israelite is passed down from the father, and such distinctions were of utmost importance in biblical and Rabbinic times (and still, to a certain degree, today). If priesthood can be passed down via one’s father, why not Jewish identity?

Shaye D. Cohen, the Littauer Professor of Hebrew Literature and Philosophy at Harvard University, has written a book and several articles on this issue specifically. Cohen found that matrilineal descent evolved from an original policy of patrilineal descent. In the Torah, a person’s status as a Jew seems to come from his father. Joseph was married to a non-Jewish woman, and his children were considered Jewish. The same was the case for Moses and King Solomon. The change to a policy of matrilineal descent came in late antiquity.

Cohen has two theories about how this came to be. One is that the Tannaim, the rabbis who codified the concept of matrilineal descent, were influenced by the Roman legal system of the time. According to two sources from the end of the second century CE and the beginning of the third century CE, in a marriage between two Romans, a child would receive the status of his father. In an intermarriage between a Roman and a non-Roman, a child received the citizenship status of its mother.

Cohen’s other theory is that the Tannaim developed matrilineal descent from an already existing conclusion about mixed breeding in the animal kingdom. The Torah prohibits the breeding of animals of different species, but there is an opinion in the Mishnah (Kilayim 8:4) that suggests that a mule whose mother was a horse and whose father was a donkey should be allowed to mate with other horses. This implies that “horse-hood” is passed down through the mother, regardless of the father’s species. This concept may have been extrapolated by the rabbis to operate beyond the animal kingdom. Cohen presents both theories, but admits that neither have been conclusively proven.

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Is one’s Jewishness determined by halacha, or Jewish law? Is it determined by heritage? By an individual’s choice of whether or not to identify as Jewish? Whether one “looks” or “feels” Jewish? Or is the defining issue whether anti-Semites, such as the Nazis, would consider one to be Jewish?

All of these factors have been used at different times and places to determine who is and who is not Jewish. This article focuses on the legal definitions, specifically how Jewish law defines it, how different movements within Judaism define it, and how the State of Israel defines it.

Why does it matter? There are myriad practical implications. In Israel, where there is no civil marriage, marrying a Jew and being buried in a Jewish cemetery can be done only if the person in question is considered legally Jewish. In a synagogue, in order to be counted in a minyan, a prayer quorum, one must be Jewish, and so too if one wants to be called up to the Torah for an aliyah. So who decides who is a Jew?

The Traditional Halachic Definition

Historically, Judaism has held that a Jew is anyone born to a Jewish mother or converted to Judaism in a halakhic manner (that is, according to Jewish law). A halakhic conversion usually means that one is converting out of personal conviction –one believes the Torah to be the absolute truth — and has studied Jewish laws and traditions.

READ: Must an Egg Donor Be Jewish for the Child to Be Considered Jewish?

After this study period, a convert must be approved by a beit din — a court of observant Jews — and immerse in a mikveh (ritual bath). Men must also receive a circumcision or, if already circumcised, hatafat dam brit (symbolically taking a drop of blood).

Conservative and Reform Definitions

In the Conservative movement, conversion is similar to the traditional approach, though not identical. There is a specific course of study for the prospective convert, usually about 18 weeks, conducted in a private or classroom setting. If a Jewish mate is involved, he or she is expected to attend the course as well. Many Conservative rabbis will accept converts who are motivated by marriage, but some abstain from this practice.

The Reform movement encourages those who want to be married to a Jew to convert and the couple is required to attend classes and events together in preparation for the conversion. Prospective converts are paired with mentors within the community who they can look to for guidance leading up to the actual conversion. Many Reform rabbis don’t require an immersion in the mikveh or brit milah for men, instead presenting the rituals as options, and allowing the convert to choose what seems most appropriate.

In more recent times, new dimensions have emerged to the discussion of who is legally considered Jewish. In 1983 the Reform movement passed a resolution that accepted the Jewish identity of children of Jewish fathers and non-Jewish mothers. Recognizing what is known as patrilineal descent, the Reform movement ruled that these children were Jewish if they participated in the various Jewish lifecycle ceremonies which usually mark the life stages of a Jew.

Israel: Eligibility for Aliyah and Religious Status

In Israel, the question of Jewish legal status has become even more controversial. Anyone with a single Jewish grandparent or a Jewish spouse is eligible to move to Israel and become a citizen under the Law of Return. But the Israeli Chief Rabbinate controls the marriage process for Jews in Israel, and their definition of Jewishness accords with traditional halacha. Thus, it is common to find people who are granted citizenship as Jews under the Law of Return, but are unable to legally marry as Jews (or marry Jews) in Israel.

In addition, while the Israeli Supreme Court ruled that a person who has undergone a Reform or Conservative conversion abroad must be considered Jewish vis-à-vis the Law of Return, liberal conversions are not recognized by the Orthodox rabbinate.

In 1998 the Jewish Agency established a conversion institute with members of all three major movements. Teachers at the institute come from the three major denominations of Judaism, but the actual conversion is left to the Orthodox courts. The Institute for Jewish Studies today offers 500 classes to help encourage Jewish study as well as conversion. The final step of conversion, however, is moving slowly and is bottlenecked, with only a few hundred conversions performed annually.

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A Mixed Multitude

I grew up part of the “mixed multitude” of our people: an Ashkenazi, Reform Jewish father, a Korean Buddhist mother. I was born in Seoul and moved to Tacoma, Washington, at the age of five. Growing up, I knew my family was atypical, yet we were made to feel quite at home in our synagogue and community. My Jewish education began in my synagogue preschool, extended through cantorial and rabbinical school at Hebrew Union College (HUC), and continues today. I was the first Asian American to graduate from the rabbinical program at HUC, but definitely not the last — a Chinese American rabbi graduated the very next year, and I am sure others will follow.

As a child, I believed that my sister and I were the “only ones” in the Jewish community–the only ones with Asian faces, the only ones whose family trees didn’t have roots in Eastern Europe, the only ones with kimchee on the seder plate. But as I grew older, I began to see myself reflected in the Jewish community. I was the only multiracial Jew at my Jewish summer camp in 1985; when I was a song-leader a decade later, there were a dozen. I have met hundreds of people in multiracial Jewish families in the Northeast through the Multiracial Jewish Network. Social scientist Gary Tobin numbers interracial Jewish families in the hundreds of thousands in North America.

As I learned more about Jewish history and culture, I found it very powerful to learn that being of mixed race in the Jewish community was not just a modern phenomenon. We were a mixed multitude when we left Egypt and entered Israel, and the Hebrews continued to acquire different cultures and races throughout our Diaspora history. Walking through the streets of modern-day Israel, one sees the multicolored faces of Ethiopian, Russian, Yemenite, Iraqi, Moroccan, Polish, and countless other races of Jews — many facial particularities, but all Jewish. Yet, if you were to ask the typical secular Israeli on the street what it meant to be Jewish, she might respond, “It’s not religious so much, it’s my culture, my ethnicity.” If Judaism is about culture, what then does it mean to be Jewish when Jews come from so many different cultures and ethnic backgrounds?

READ: Israel’s Vibrant Jewish Ethnic Mix

As the child of a non-Jewish mother, a mother who carried her own distinct ethnic and cultural traditions, I came to believe that I could never be “fully Jewish” since I could never be “purely” Jewish. I was reminded of this daily: when fielding the many comments like, “Funny, you don’t look Jewish,” or having to answer questions on my halakhic (Jewish legal) status as a Jew. My internal questions of authenticity loomed over my Jewish identity throughout my adolescence into early adulthood, as I sought to integrate my Jewish, Korean, and secular American identities.

READ: The Reform Movement’s Landmark Patrilineal Descent Ruling

It was only in a period of crisis, one college summer while living in Israel, that I fully understood what my Jewish identity meant to me. After a painful summer of feeling marginalized and invisible in Israel, I called my mother to declare that I no longer wanted to be a Jew. I did not look Jewish, I did not carry a Jewish name, and I no longer wanted the heavy burden of having to explain and prove myself every time I entered a new Jewish community. She simply responded by saying, “Is that possible?” It was only at that moment that I realized I could no sooner stop being a Jew than I could stop being Korean, or female, or me. I decided then to have a giyur (conversion ceremony), what I termed a reaffirmation ceremony in which I dipped in the mikvah (ritual bath) and reaffirmed my Jewish legacy. I have come to understand that anyone who has seriously considered her Jewish identity struggles with the many competing identities that the name “Jew” signifies.

What does it mean to be a “normal” Jewish family today? As we learn each other’s stories we hear the challenges and joys of reconciling our sometimes competing identities of being Jewish while also feminist, Arab, gay, African-American, or Korean. We were a mixed multitude in ancient times, and we still are. May we continue to see the many faces of Israel as a gift that enriches our people.

Reprinted with permission from Sh’ma: A Journal of Jewish Responsibility (June 2003).

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Family conflicts arise from countless possible causes — personality clashes, old grudges, money and the list only goes on from there. Sometimes religious differences exacerbate these other issues to the point that Judaism becomes the scapegoat for why a family isn’t getting along. Learning how to negotiate disagreements about Jewish observance and belief won’t solve deeper family issues, but it can provide a framework for allowing Judaism to become a healing medium in a fractured family.

1. Clarify Expectations

All family visits should be preceded by honest discussions about what arrangements might be needed for meals (for example, kosher food), sleeping arrangements (such as separate beds for spouses), or scheduling (like being respectful of prayer times).

Family members hosting and those visiting both have obligations to be specific about what they need, what they want, and what would offend them. For instance, it would be important for guests preferring a Passover seder that continues after the meal to know ahead of time that their hosts are not planning for it. For both sides, an in-advance list of what is negotiable and what is not may reveal surprising areas of flexibility.

2. Do the Research

You can reach out to your family members by learning more about what they are doing and why. You might want to “learn the lingo” of your Orthodox sibling and read up on the difference between halacha (Jewish law) and minhag (custom). It could be helpful to listen to an audiobook for clues to why Jewish Renewal appeals to your mother’s soul or why your uncle’s recitation of Kaddish after his father died started him going to daily minyan (prayer service).

You might find yourself researching in response to other people’s questions, too. If family members ask you to explain your observances, but you do not feel prepared with appropriate answers, there is no need to become defensive. The best response is to tell your relative that you’ll get back to him/her, then ask a rabbi or seek answers in books, on the Internet, or elsewhere.

3. Seek Neutral Territory

Family visits can often be made easier by seeking common ground, or at least neutral territory. Intentionally find kosher restaurants you all enjoy, where no one has to cook or worry about “treyfing” (making errors in kashrut) someone else’s kitchen. If it is difficult to bridge the differences in expectations for Shabbat and Jewish holidays, try visiting during other times, like Thanksgiving and school vacations. Plan vacations together where all parts of the family are responsible for planning their own meals and accommodations, but activities are shared.

4. Keep Holy Days Holy

For families facing Jewish diversity, holidays can also be challenging — even when the major lifestyle difference between Reform and Conservative siblings is that the Conservative family keeps kosher. A sibling that observes kashrut may feel the need to host every holiday meal, but also resent that she must pay for all the food and prepare it.

A tense relationship can be relaxed by a simple offer to share some of the expenses and arrive early to participate in the cooking and table-setting. Holy days are kept holy if everyone respects the uniqueness of the occasion and the need for particularly caring behavior at that time.

5. Emphasize Compassion

When dealing with religious difference, many people instinctively take a defensive position, trying to shore up their own identity and rationalize their own choices. It is more productive to take an attitude of compassion, asking: “how can I make you more comfortable?” or affirming uneasiness by saying “I know that this is hard for you.” Making other people’s needs your concern affirms both the authenticity of their feelings and the fact that you care for them deeply.

6. Don’t Try to Convince or Convert

An atheist should not try to sway a God-fearing grandmother from her belief that praying will aid in a child’s healing. An Orthodox man should not argue to his Reform brother that Shabbat observance will make him feel less stressed out, no matter how passionately he believes this is true. Even if you harbor desires that your loved one will become more or less observant, arguing or “proving” your perspective is rarely successful and often causes greater distance and frustration.

This is equally important when confronted by apparent inconsistencies in your loved ones’ behavior. You may never understand why your sister thinks it’s important to belong to an Orthodox synagogue yet only goes once a year. People make their religious choices for a variety of reasons; inherent personality, life experiences, and social context all play a part. No matter where you place religious authority — in a tradition of rabbis, in your own conscience, or in active, contemporary dialogue with Torah and Talmud–you and your loved ones have made religious choices for equally complex and different reasons. Allow your family members to find their own path of Judaism.

7. Make Conscientious Choices When You Plan a Joyous Occasion

If it is important for you to include relatives with a wide range of needs in your simcha (joyous occasion), then keep them in mind during the planning. Check a Jewish calendar so that you don’t accidentally schedule a party on a holiday that is not widely observed. Have a wedding meal catered at a level of kashrut that meets the whole family’s needs or arrange for special kosher meals to be brought in, heated, and served appropriately. Politely let family members know how to dress modestly for the Bar Mitzvah at your synagogue by emphasizing their comfort in your community rather than saying that it is just the right thing to do.

8. Know Your Place

It is important to share control among family members of different backgrounds, but always let the key players have the final say. For example, no relative should assert sole control over all the funeral and mourning arrangements when the mourners themselves are mixed in their level of observance. Though one can’t often plan ahead in these situations, flexibility is crucial. One can schedule various shiva minyanim (prayer services in a house of mourning) for each mourner’s religious community. If mourners want to sit shiva for only three days, rather than the customary seven, no one else should dictate to them otherwise. Similarly, a bride and groom and their parents should be allowed to make arrangements for a wedding without other relatives insisting on particular rituals or customs.

9. Affirm Shared Jewish Values and Observances

A family may no longer attend the same synagogue or be able to eat off each others’ dishes, but there will inevitably be other Jewish values and observances that they still share. Maybe everyone still uses Bubbe’s tzimmes recipe for Rosh Hashanah, gives tzedakah to similar social causes, and puts a mezuzah on their doorpost. Share stories from the family’s past and talk about their connections to the present.

For more observant family members, it is important to verbally recognize the whole family’s deeply rooted Jewish values and the mitzvot (plural of mitzvah) all family members observe, even if they do so in their own, unconventional ways. For less observant family members, try to express appreciation for the way your relatives’ intricate understanding of ritual obligation is an honest attempt to create persons who behave righteously. In the end, Judaism should continue to keep a whole family bonded together and dedicated to the future.

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Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

1. Plan for the day after the wedding.

Your wedding is only one day. Your marriage, hopefully, will last much longer. Many engaged interfaith couples will already have spent time discussing the issues of navigating a multifaith relationship, but as you begin to plan a wedding, theoretical ideas can become more “real” and can be thrown into greater relief. It’s helpful to engage a therapist or clergyperson who can help you envision your life together and explore the unique choices you’ll face as a multifaith couple. Learning to talk about how you might observe holidays or Shabbat, the presence of religious or cultural symbols you each want in your home, how you wish to raise children, what kind of schooling you’ll choose for them, what role religious community will play in your lives, what values and traditions will shape your family and many other important matters will not only support your relationship long-term, but will provide crucial dialogue and listening skills for launching your life together.

2. One, two or none?

Your wedding officiant will not only lead your marriage ceremony but will, ideally, lead you to it over months of meaningful discussion and learning beforehand. These conversations should not only open you to the beauty and wisdom of different wedding traditions but also help you both prepare emotionally and spiritually for marriage. So it matters who you choose. Will you have a rabbi, a rabbi and a clergyperson from another faith, or perhaps a friend or colleague who is deputized to perform the ceremony? Still others might choose to have one officiant but to involve other clergy in the ceremony by having them offer a reading or a blessing in a manner that respects the chosen character of the wedding. Each partner and/or their families may have deep ties to their clergy that transcend the religious tradition they represent. How you honor that relationship while planning a specific wedding ceremony requires attention and consideration. The choice of an officiant is not all-or-nothing as it relates to the presence of another heritage, but it does set the tone and spirit that should bring everyone together with love and respect.

3. It’s not all about you.

Of course this is your special day, but not exclusively. Your wedding is a dramatic moment for your families, too, especially your parents. While they may be overjoyed with the love you’ve found, some relatives may be less comfortable with the notion of you marrying someone from another faith or cultural tradition. Some may worry about traditions being lost or rejected. Without ceding all control, invite your parents into the process of planning the wedding and commit to being as inclusive and respectful as possible. Regardless of the type of ceremony, everyone there should feel welcomed and at home, or should at least know that you’ve tried to make them feel that way. It can be challenging to find the right balance, but talking with them about the choices you’re considering, the values you’re embracing, and the feelings you’re being mindful of — not to mention being open to some of the requests they might make about the wedding plans — will be an effective way of preserving closeness and trust during a sensitive time.

4. Make a date.

Scheduling a meeting between your parents (and grandparents) with your wedding officiant can create a wonderful opportunity for them to ask questions and learn about the traditions chosen for the wedding. It can also be a valuable space for families to share their own traditions that they fear may be set aside, and to gain insight from the officiant as to why some observances may be included and why some won’t be. Information goes a long way toward cultivating understanding, patience and compassion.

5. Delegate.

Making people feel useful is a great way of including them and disarming discomfort. Especially when people from beyond the Jewish community may be unfamiliar with the wedding traditions and rituals, giving them a task will help them to find a connection to this new part of their world. If they’re crafty, maybe they can knit kippahs; if they’re artistic, maybe they can help design an invitation; if they’re skilled in the kitchen, maybe they can host a rehearsal dinner. Think of people’s strengths and talents and engage them as a way of building what can become lifelong partnerships and closeness.

6. Write a book.

Not a novel, but a booklet for the wedding day explaining all the different traditions guests will observe at the ceremony. Regardless of what the ceremony includes, there are bound to be guests for whom much of it is new — and if there’s lots of Hebrew, maybe even unintelligible. Create an outline of the formalities, explain the origins and symbolism of the rituals, translate any Hebrew, and offer whatever support you can to help people follow along. There are many templates for this type of booklet online and in print in Jewish wedding books. You’ll learn a lot from the process, too. Ask your officiant to translate any words spoken or blessings made in Hebrew (or any other language) during the ceremony.

7. Chicken, fish or sirtaki?

We’re all accustomed to dinner parties accommodating carnivores, vegetarians and flexitarians, but let’s take it one step further. Kosher? Dairy? Some families might not keep kosher at home but wish for their Jewish lifecycle celebrations to abide by the tradition. To others that might seem inconsistent, and expensive, given the financial burdens of throwing a wedding, but it may represent something very important — deeper than food. It may be a way of infusing an interfaith wedding with more Jewish flavor. If the alternative being suggested is explicitly non-kosher, either non-kosher meat and fowl or more Jewishly-provocative foods such as pork or shellfish, it can raise all kinds of emotional alarms for parents or grandparents who may feel some conflictedness about a multifaith wedding to begin with. Showing sensitivity around these choices is a mark of respect and maturity. Again, it’s not a zero-sum decision. The budget might not allow for a kosher caterer, but serving dairy or fish could be, for some, a welcome compromise.

The choice of music at both the ceremony and the reception can also be a powerful way of acknowledging and honoring the different cultures being united by this marriage. Sirtaki, a popular Greek wedding dance, could make a Greek family feel at home at a Jewish/Greek wedding while rousing all the experienced Hora dancers from the other side. There are many different ways that families who speak different languages of faith and culture can communicate together in love and celebration.

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God speaks to Noah and his children as they exit the ark: ‘Behold, I establish my covenant with you, and with your seed after you.’ (Genesis 9:9)

Although rabbinic texts preserve various traditions about the details of this covenant, the Talmud reports the following:

The children of Noah were commanded with seven commandments: [to establish] laws, and [to prohibit] cursing God, idolatry, illicit sexuality, bloodshed, robbery, and eating flesh from a living animal (Sanhedrin 56a; cf. Tosefta Avodah Zarah 8:4 and Genesis Rabbah 34:8).

The Laws

1. Do establish laws.
2. Don’t curse God.
3. Do not practice idolatry.
4. Do not engage in illicit sexuality.
5. Do not participate in bloodshed.
6. Do not rob.
7. Do not eat flesh from a living animal.

The Details

The prohibition against idolatry refers specifically to idolatrous worship, and not to beliefs. In later generations, Jews had to determine whether the prevailing religious cultures in which they lived were idolatrous. Since Islam is strictly monotheistic, Muslims have always been considered Noahides. Since the later Middle Ages, Jews have acknowledged that the Christian doctrine of the Trinity was not the same as idolatry, and they were also recognized as Noahides.

The prohibition against theft includes kidnapping, cheating an employee or an employer, and a variety of similar acts.

The prohibition against illicit sexuality includes six particular prohibitions, derived from a single verse:

Noahides are prohibited from engaging in six illicit sexual relationships: with one’s mother, with one’s father’s wife, with another man’s wife, with his sister from the same mother, in a male homosexual union, and with an animal as it says, ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father…’ this refers to his father’s wife; ‘and his mother…” refers to the mother; ‘and cling to his wife…’ and not another’s wife; ‘wife…’ and not a homosexual union; ‘and become one flesh‘ (Genesis 2:24) excluding animals… (Maimonides, Laws of Kings, 9:5)

Eating flesh from a living animal is how the rabbis understood “But flesh with its life, which is its blood, you shall not eat” (Genesis 9:4). It has been suggested that the custom of eating an amputated limb of an animal was a way to keep the rest of the meat fresh in the days before refrigeration.

The Obligation to Create a System of Laws

According to the medieval philosopher and codifier Maimonides, the legal system which Noahides are required to set up is specifically to establish punishments for infractions of the other six Noahide laws (Laws of Kings 9:14).

Nahmanides, a medieval Bible commentator, understands the obligation more broadly:

In my opinion, the laws which the Noahides were to establish according to their seven commandments is not only to establish courts in each town, but that they were also commanded concerning theft, abuse, usury, labor relations, damages, loans, business, and the like, just as Israel was commanded to set up laws in these matters (Nahmanides, Commentary to Genesis 34:13).

Later authorities, including Rabbi Moses Sofer (1763-1839), claim that Maimonides did not exclude what Nahmanides had included, but that Maimonides considered all of these laws to be included under the prohibition of “theft.” Rabbi Naphtali Tzvi Yehudah Berlin (1817-1893) states that Nahmanides’ approach requires non-Jews to legislate on these matters, but the details and formulation of the legislation are left to their discretion.

Natural Law

The Noahide laws bear a striking resemblance to a separate rabbinic tradition that describes the commandments that would have been derived logically even if God had not included them in the Torah:

‘You must keep my rulings’ (Lev. 18:4): These are the items which are written in the Torah which, had they not been written should logically have been written, such as the [prohibitions against] robbery, illicit sexuality, idolatry, cursing God, and bloodshed.” (Sifra, Ahare Mot, section 140)

The overlap here of five of the seven laws enumerated for Noahides indicates that they may have been understood as a sort of universal, natural morality. This is the way some modern philosophers, such as Hermann Cohen, understood them.

Indeed, based on the Talmudic discussion, Maimonides states:

Six items were commanded to Adam: concerning idolatry, blasphemy, bloodshed, illicit sexuality, theft, and laws…God added to Noah, the law of not eating from the flesh of a live animal.” (Maimonides, Laws of Kings 9:1)

The association of these laws with Adam implies that they were established as part of the creation of the natural world.

Laws for Non-Jews Under Jewish Rule

A conversation in tractate Sanhedrin assumes that Jewish courts should enforce the Noahide laws. Therefore, later authorities, most notably Maimonides, understood these laws as describing what Jews should require of non-Jews living under Jewish rule. Since Maimonides saw revelation as the clearest form of reason, it would be folly from his perspective, for non-Jews living under Jewish rule to rely upon their own inadequate reasoning powers to determine law when they have access to the superior reasoning of revelation.

Indeed, according to Maimonides, it is unacceptable for non-Jews living under a Jewish authority not to accept the Noahide laws:

If someone from the other nations wants to convert [they may] as it says ‘[the law is the same] for you, for a stranger’ (Numbers 15:15). But if they do not want to, we do not compel them to accept the Torah and the commandments. Moses did, however, command in the name of God to compel all people to accept the Noahide laws…” (Laws of Kings 8:10)

Maimonides’ approach, however, is much disputed among the classical commentators. Some interpreters of Maimonides have argued that he meant to obligate the Jewish court, but not individual Jews, to compel non-Jews to comply with the Noahide laws. Others have argued that the entire issue is irrelevant until the days of the Messiah. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Maimonides intended that whenever it was possible to compel observance, Jews should make an effort to do so.

Other medieval authorities, rather than attempting to re-interpret Maimonides’ statement, simply disagreed. Rabbi Abraham ibn Daud clearly rejects any obligation to compel observance of the Noahide laws, even in a situation where Jews have subjugated non-Jews in war. This seems to be the opinion of Rashi, Tosafot, Nahmanides, and Rashba, as well. In dealing with individual non-Jews as employees or slaves, none of the legal codes, aside from Maimonides’, mentions an obligation to impose Noahide laws or to punish non-Jews for violation of the Noahide laws.

By way of contrast, when Jews are likely to sin, other Jews are obligated to try and prevent that sin through intervention and education. In general, in modern times, no such obligation is mandated towards non-Jews who violate the Noahide laws. A notable and forceful exception is the opinion of the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the last leader of Chabad-Lubavitch Hasidism. Schneerson wrote:

We must do everything possible to ensure that the seven Noahide laws are observed. If this can be accomplished through force or through other kinder and more peaceful means through explaining to non-Jews that they should accept God’s wishes [we should do so]…Anyone who is able to influence a non-Jew in any way to keep the seven commandments is obligated to do so, since that is what God commanded Moses our teacher (“Sheva Mitzvot Shel Benai Noach,” Hapardes 59:9 7-11, 5745)

Conclusion

That Jews perceive non-Jews as bound by a set of laws–even if they are not bound by the full range of Torah law–is a significant statement. The expectation that non-Jews will set up their own system of justice became the basis for peaceful interactions between Jews and non-Jews. The Noahide laws separated humanity after the flood from the lawless violence which brought God to the point of destroying the world. The Noahide laws stand as a testament to the Jewish belief in the need for the rule of law to protect all peoples.

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