In couples for whom Judaism plays a key role in their lives, building a relationship foundation may require an additional kind of intimate knowledge. Religion introduces an overarching fabric that influences morals, establishes family values, informs personal identity and intergenerational trajectory, and stands to permeate the physical, emotional and psychological — even the spiritual realm. And this is not even to mention the ways it can practically shape everyday life, from food choices to weekend activities to holiday celebrations. Indeed, spiritual connection creates momentum that pushes the relationship forward, giving it a greater sense of purpose and meaning. Taking a page from Viktor Frankl, when couples can connect on the deepest of spiritual and existential levels, the strength of their bonds will be exponentially fortified, enabling them to withstand so much more of life’s pressures.

So how can we get there? In one of the most popular and ambitious relationship articles ever published by The New York Times, Dr. Arthur Aron designed a series of 36 open-ended questions couples can ask one another to create deeper intimacy, understanding and connectedness. As both a rabbi and a therapist, I’ve crafted a set of 36 questions designed specifically for couples who are building a Jewish life together. These questions offer an opportunity to explore and build deeper intimacy by reinforcing a solid foundation for your Jewish life going forward, together.

So when you’re ready, grab your partner and a seat in a comfortable and relaxed environment (perhaps over drinks or coffee), put your phones away, try to maintain eye contact, and take turns asking one another these 36 questions with great curiosity.

Your Identity

1. If you could meet anyone from Jewish history, who would it be and why?
2. What are your most and least favorite Jewish foods?
3. What is one of your earliest Jewish memories?
4. Think about your favorite Hebrew name. Why is it special to you?
5. What was the last Jewish book you read? Describe something you gained from it.
6. What does keeping kosher mean to you?
7. What is prayer to you? When do you pray?
8. What Jewish memberships or affiliations are important to you?
9. Would you rather enjoy the holidays together in a more intimate setting, or amid a large family gathering and why?
10. Describe the last time you felt truly inspired at synagogue.
11. When you are ill, how do you wish to be cared for?
12. Do you view physical intimacy as a spiritual experience? Explain.

Your Values

13. How important is charitable giving to you? How do you decide how much to give to tzedakah (charity)?
14. If you won the lottery, what causes would you strongly support?
15. What Jewish holiday means the most to you? Why?
16. If a friend was going through a crisis, how would you respond and why?
17. What makes a mensch? Describe 5 qualities.
18. If a friend needed a kidney, would you consider donating? Why or Why not?
19. What does Israel mean to you?
20. Describe something you love about Shabbat.
21. How do you engage in tikkun olam, or repairing the world?

Your History

22. In what ways has a grandparent or great-grandparent influenced your identity?
23. Did you have a Jewish education (Hebrew school/bar or bat mitzvah, Jewish summer camps/synagogue youth group/etc.)? What are your memories of that education? If you did not have a Jewish education, share something about your religious upbringing or your first encounter with Judaism.
24. Have you ever personally experienced or observed anti-Semitism? How did it feel and in what way did it impact you?
25. Can you think of a time that you were struggling with something, where you turned to a rabbi (or wanted to) to seek guidance?
26. How have your parents’ religious identities influenced your own?
27. How do you feel about your relationship with your parents? Is “honor your parents” an absolute, or is it flexible?

Your Future Together

28. Describe a couple with a marriage you would like to emulate and talk about why.
29. What is a dream that you hope to one day achieve with your partner?
30. Is having children important to you? Why or why not?
31. If children can learn one single lesson from Jewish tradition, what should it be?
32. How should Jewish children be taught about tolerance for those who live a different lifestyle?
33. How much or little formal Jewish education would you want for your children? What would you want them to take from that education?
34. Can you describe your own dream for how your adult children would turn out?
35. What is the most important thing from your own background or upbringing that you want to bring to this relationship?
36. After you are gone, what are three things you hope people will say about you at the Shiva house?

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The traditions associated with Jewish weddings — the canopy, the breaking of a glass, the presence of a rabbi, even the seven wedding blessings — are customs. Custom — in Hebrew, minhag — changes over time and differs among cultures, nations and generations; customs can vary wildly from one synagogue or neighborhood to the next.

Customs are not trivial; they are the heart and soul of rituals, and while some have been discarded and forgotten, others persist and carry even more symbolic and emotional weight than some religious requirements. Customs are not set in stone. Over the centuries Jewish weddings have been celebrated with variations in ritual and custom that reflected the needs and values of different times and places.

The nostalgic fallacy that there was once a standard, universal and correct way to do a Jewish wedding ignores differences in everything from clothes to the fact that for centuries some Jews practiced polygamy. Throughout history, Judaism has been a living tradition, examined, debated and reinvented, generation after generation. Jewish weddings are grounded in the past, but they have always been the stuff of the irrepressible present.

Today, communities are scattered, culturally diverse and even virtual. We don’t share a common ritual language, and many of us have never been to a Jewish wedding. Our celebrations are mounted by professionals, whose main focus is on the reception, not what goes on under the huppah (also spelled chuppah). There is a lot of hand-wringing and breast-beating about how this represents a terrible loss. But the truth is, Jews of the 21st century cannot marry the same way their parents did, much less their great-grandparents. The world has changed too much; our expectations of marriage are not the same. To be emotionally and spiritually authentic, our weddings need to synthesize the sum total of our experience, which includes the reality of our daily lives.

To make a wedding that is both authentically Jewish and personally meaningful requires a level of conscious decision making that would have mystified previous generations: Should we use Hebrew words in the wedding invitation? How do we arrange the processional with two sets of divorced parents in the mix? What do we want our ketubah (wedding contract) to say?

How are we going to make our wedding Jewish? How Jewish are we going to make our wedding?

The more numerous the choices, the greater the likelihood of disagreements. The Yiddish proverb “No ketubah was ever signed without an argument” was addressed to family squabbles (still a reality), but it also applies to the friction between tradition and personal style, between a 4,000-year-old system of laws and contemporary values about, among other things, women’s roles. Transforming that heat into light is the challenge of making Jewish tradition your own.

In planning your wedding, I encourage you and your partner to learn, choose and even argue. As rites of passage, weddings clarify and express a lot about the people under the huppah. A wedding is a public announcement and demonstration of who you are as a couple. When you draw on Jewish tradition — borrowing, revising, even rejecting — the tradition becomes yours. And it lives.

Adapted with permission from The Jewish Wedding Now (Simon & Schuster)

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Ketubah Wording

While some ketubot (the plural of ketubah) are stunning works of art, the most important part of any ketubah is what it says. After all, you and your partner will be signing this document and affirming that what it reads is true, so the first thing you’ll want to do is find a ketubah with text that reflects the values you and the person you’re marrying share.

You also may want to strike the right balance for yourself between traditional and progressive options. Until the 20th century, almost all ketubot contained the same basic text in Aramaic and were signed only by the groom and two male witnesses. The document was essentially the groom’s marriage proposal to the bride and his pledge to “honor, support, and provide for her”. While many traditionally observant Jews continue to adhere to the original text and customs — or to keep them, but add to the ketubah a prenuptial agreement that promises a get, or Jewish divorce decree, if requested — a wide variety of alternatives are now available.

For example, at www.ketubah.com,  you’ll find (as of 2019) 32 different choices of pre-written texts including an option to write your own. Some offer language inclusive of same-sex couples or that reflects a more egalitarian view of the couple’s relationship. Others are specifically tailored for interfaith couples. If you don’t know which text to select, read several and consider which ones reflect your values.

You also will need to decide in which language or languages you’d like your ketubah to be. Many ketubot are in Hebrew or Aramaic, with side-by-side translation. When Paul Golin, an American Jew who serves as executive director of the Society for Humanistic Judaism, married Yurika Mizuno, who is from Japan, they had the ketubah at right created with English, Hebrew, and Japanese text.

If you choose to start from scratch and write your own text, it’s a good idea to consult with a rabbi or scholar of Jewish law. Rabbi Jodie Gordon of the Reform congregation Hevreh of Southern Berkshires in Great Barrington, Massachusetts suggests that custom-written ketubot include: the date of the wedding on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars, the couple’s names as well as the names of witnesses in attendance, and, what she calls “a conversation of promise,” a reflection of what each partner wants in the relationship and the marriage as they move forward.

Ketubah Aesthetics and Price

Once the text has been decided on, the next choices you’ll have to make are about style and presentation. For some couples, buying a ketubah is an investment in a piece of art. Some commission artists or artisans to create custom ketubot that can cost thousands of dollars. One place to find such artists is through the creative marketplace on Etsy.

More affordable ketubot can be found elsewhere online, at Judaica shops and at Jewish museum gift shops. A quick Google or Pinterest search will lead to plentiful options from simple to abstract to unusual like these these 3D style ketubot, this two-sided one, this Andy Warhol-inspired one, or this one set over a backdrop of the Guggenheim Museum in New York.

Crafty couples might also consider purchasing art supplies and making their own ketubah. MPArtworks Ketubah Studio’s offers a “paint-your-own DIY” ketubah, and fans of adult coloring books can now purchase coloring ketubot. You can select your own text and color in the designs that surround it. Use it as a way to unwind from your wedding planning, or offer it as an activity for a bridal shower or bachelor party — or as an activity just before the wedding.

What Alternative Options Exist?

A small but emerging trend in the world of ketubot is the idea of replacing the ketubah altogether with what’s known as a “Brit Ahuvim” or a “lover’s covenant.” Jewish feminist theology professor Rachel Adler, who wrote Engendering Judaism: An Inclusive Theology and Ethics in 1998, introduced this alternative practice for those who find the gendered roots of the traditional ketubah off-putting. Some couples reject the notion that in their view, traditional ketubot were documents outlining a groom’s purchase of his wife. The idea of Brit Ahuvim is to create a new document, without roots to a traditional ketubah, that looks at marriage through an egalitarian lens and contains promises the couple makes to each other. Adler’s original sample text for Brit Ahuvim, as well as several other alternative ketubah texts, can be found here.

Whether your ketubah is an artist’s finest masterpiece or something simple and beautiful that you found in your local Judaica store or something you wrote and crafted with your own hands, it should be a document that you want to look at for the rest of your lives.

The post How to Choose a Ketubah, or Jewish Marriage Contract appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Few Jewish symbols have a single explanation, and this one is downright kaleidoscopic. The custom dates back to the writing of the Talmud:

Mar bar Rabina made a marriage feast for his son. He observed that the rabbis present were very gay. So he seized an expensive goblet worth 400 zuzim and broke it before them. Thus he made them sober. (Berakhot 5:2 )

In other words, where there is rejoicing, there should be trembling.

By the Middle Ages, synagogue facades in Germany were inlaid with a special stone for the express purpose of smashing a glass at the end of weddings. However, its interpretation changed somewhat by the 14th century, when, according to Maurice Lamm’s The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage,  it was viewed as a reminder of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Either way, the lesson is that even at the height of personal joy, we recall the pain and losses suffered by the Jewish people and remember a world in need of healing.

The fragility of glass suggests the frailty of human relationships. Since even the strongest love is subject to disintegration, the glass is broken as a kind of incantation: “As this glass shatters, so may our marriage never break.”

Loud noises are a time-honored method for frightening and appeasing demons that are attracted to beautiful and fortunate people, such as the happy couple beneath the huppah (also commonly spelled chuppah).

Marriage is a covenant, which in Judaism is made by breaking or cutting something. At Sinai, tablets were broken; at a wedding, broken glass “cuts” the covenant.

Breaking the glass also has sexual connotations, as it prefigures the release of sexual union, which is not only permitted to married couples but also required of them. For centuries breaking the glass implicitly symbolized breaking the hymen, which is why it was so important that the groom succeed.

The crash of glass ends the hush of mythic time under the huppah, and the world rushes in. Everyone exhales, claps and shouts, “Mazel tov!” The celebration begins.

You can break any kind of glass: old, new, borrowed, or blue. Whatever you choose, it should be well wrapped to prevent injury. A heavy cloth napkin is standard, but you can buy a satin pouch or a velvet bag. (Some artisans fashion mementoes out of the shards.) While a lightbulb wrapped in a linen napkin might make a louder pop, it seems like a poor stand-in for such a rich and ancient symbol.

Excerpted with permission from The Jewish Wedding Now (Simon & Schuster)

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Keep in mind that every Jewish wedding differs slightly from the next, depending on the religious and cultural background of the couple — and of course their personalities. The particulars of the guidelines below will vary depending on the celebration you attend.

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What to Wear to a Jewish Wedding

Like most weddings, the dress code for a Jewish wedding can be influenced by location and time of day. At many Jewish weddings, men wear kippot (skullcaps), and they will most likely be provided at the wedding. In some circles, you may see women wearing kippot too. Women at more traditional Jewish weddings wear skirts or dresses that fall below the knee and cover their shoulders — or elbows, in even more traditional circles. Sometimes women wear wraps or jackets that cover their shoulders just for the ceremony, and then they uncover for the party.

Before the Jewish Wedding Ceremony

You might have received an invitation with two different start times. The first time listed refers to the start of the kabbalat panim — the time for greeting the couple before the ceremony — and the second time refers to the actual start time of the ceremony. Though it is nice for close friends and family to arrive at the beginning of the kabbalat panim, you can consider all of the kabbalat panim as an appropriate window for showing up. If there is only one start time listed, that is probably when the ceremony is scheduled to begin, so be on time.

The kabbalat panim prepares the couple for the wedding, and a lot of different things might take place there. At a more traditional kabbalat panim, the bride and groom sit in different rooms or areas, and guests greet them and often enjoy some light — or not so light — refreshments. Some brides and grooms fast on their wedding day until after the ceremony. It’s completely fine to eat in front of them at the kabbalat panim, but you may want to think twice before offering them refreshments.

At a traditional kabbalat panim, the bride often sits on a special seat, and guests approach her to give good wishes. She may offer a special blessing in return. The groom might have a tisch, where he sits around a table with his family and friends singing songs. He may also share words of Torah. The guests often heckle him by shouting and singing to interrupt him, and you can join in the fun. The bride may have her own tisch as well.

During the kabbalat panim, some couples read a document called tenaim, which outlines the conditions of the marriage and declares the couple’s intention to wed. This is followed by the breaking of a plate, usually by the mothers of the bride and groom. Symbolically it reflects that a broken engagement cannot be mended.

The ketubah — the Jewish marriage document — is normally signed at this time. In more traditional circles, it is signed at the groom’s tisch. In more liberal circles, the ketubah signing may be the main event of the kabbalat panim, with the couple, witnesses, and all the guests present.

After all the legalities are taken care of, the groom is escorted by his friends and family, usually with dancing and singing, to meet the bride and veil her in a ceremony known as the bedeken. This is often a particularly moving moment of the wedding, so if you’re planning to come late and skip the kabbalat panim, try to come at least 15 minutes before the ceremony is scheduled.

In a wedding with only one start time, the ketubah signing and veiling are usually taken care of with the rabbi in private, before the ceremony begins.

The Jewish Wedding Ceremony

Jewish weddings do not usually follow the custom of having the bride’s and groom’s guests sit separately, but at some Orthodox weddings, men and women sit on opposite sides of the aisle. As you enter the room for the ceremony, look out for a program that explains what’s going on. Not all weddings have these, but they are becoming increasingly popular.

A rabbi or cantor usually conducts the ceremony, standing under the chuppah (marriage canopy) with the bride, groom, and sometimes their families and friends. In the middle of the ceremony, the ketubah may be read by a rabbi or friend. The ketubah is often a beautiful piece of art, and after the ceremony you may be able to admire it if it is on display.

Near the end of the ceremony, the sheva berakhot — seven blessings — are recited over a cup of wine. These may be recited by one person, often the rabbi, or by several people. the bride and groom wish to honor. The guests in the crowd may sing along during the sheva berakhot. Feel free to hum along even if you do not know the words.

The wedding ceremony ends with the breaking of the glass, which symbolizes that even in times of great joy, we remember that there is still pain  in the world (which Jewish tradition relates to the destruction of the Jewish Temple). In most weddings, after the glass is broken it is time to jump up and yell, “Mazel Tov!”

After the conclusion of the ceremony, at more traditional weddings, the couple heads directly to a private room to spend their first few minutes of marriage alone. In this case,  there will not be a typical receiving line. If the cocktail hour didn’t already happen during the kabbalat panim, guests are invited for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Be careful not to fill up. Even at the most elaborate spreads, there will most likely be a full meal served during the reception.

Jewish Wedding Celebration

Lively circle dancing — popularly known as the hora — usually starts immediately when the bride and groom enter the party room. At more traditional weddings there are separate circles for men and women — sometimes split by a mehitzah (divider). In more liberal crowds, men and women dance together. Get ready for some raucous dancing, and feel free to take your turn dancing with the wedding couple.

As part of the hora, the couple will be seated on chairs and lifted in the air — if you’re strong, you can lend a hand. While they’re hoisted up, the bride and groom might hold onto a kerchief or napkin. You might recognize this part from the movies.

The couple may take a break from dancing themselves, sit down on chairs on the dance floor, and let the guests entertain them. You can dance for them or show off your back-flipping, juggling, or fire-blowing talents. Be creative — it’s all about making the newlyweds happy!

After the meal, more traditional weddings end with the recitation of a special grace after meals, which includes a recitation of the same sheva brachot recited during the ceremony. Guests are seated and join together for this. Many couples produce benschers (grace after meals booklets) with their names and the date of the wedding printed on them. You can take one of these home as a party favor.

Of course, there is great variation in Jewish weddings, so it is always good to check with your hosts prior to the wedding if you have any questions.

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About Weddings

Modeled on a property transaction in which the groom paid the bride’s father a bride price (mohar), marriage has evolved into a more spiritual commitment. Yet even today the legal basis of traditional Jewish marriage is rooted in acquisition, with the marriage effected by the husband’s bestowal of a wedding ring and the wife’s passive acceptance. Despite the imbalance of power in the husband’s favor, however, Jewish law quickly evolved to create protections for women. The ketubah (marriage contract) obligates a husband to provide food, clothing, and sexual satisfaction to his wife. It also includes a lien to be paid by the husband to the wife in case of divorce.

Liturgy, Ritual, and Custom

The Jewish wedding is not just a one-day affair. The “wedding” rituals began with the decision to get married. A tenaim ceremony heralds the upcoming marriage by reading a document of a commitment and shattering a dish. Closer to the wedding is the aufruf, where the groom (or the couple) recites a blessing over the Torah and is showered with candy. The bride has the opportunity to prepare spiritually by immersing herself in the mikveh (ritual pool), a custom many grooms follow as well.

On the wedding day, before the ceremony, the ketubah is signed by two witnesses, and many couples do the bedeken ceremony in which the groom covers the bride’s face with a veil.

The marriage ceremony, conducted under a huppah (marriage canopy), has two parts–the betrothal, known as erusin or kiddushin, and the actual marriage, nissuin. The ketubah is generally read between these two parts. The betrothal traditionally includes:

1)      two blessings, one over wine and one reserving the couple for each other;

2)      the ring ceremony;

3)      and the groom’s recitation of the formula, “Behold, by this ring you are consecrated to me as my wife according to the laws of Moses and Israel.”

The nissuin ceremony involves the recitation of seven blessings, called the sheva berakhot, that reflect themes of Jewish marriage. The ceremony ends when the groom (or sometimes groom and bride together — or in a same-sex wedding, both partners) shatters a glass in memory of the Temple’s destruction.

The rituals don’t end with the recessional. The newly married couple spends a short time alone together in yihud, or seclusion, and then proceeds to the wedding feast. The sheva berakhot are repeated after dinner and optionally each night for a week at celebratory dinners with family and friends.

Contemporary Issues in Marriage

In the contemporary social climate of egalitarianism and inclusion, Jewish marriage is confronting a host of issues: whether the Jewish marriage contract and ceremony can be made more egalitarian; whether to accept same-sex marriage (given the biblical prohibition against homosexuality), something all the non-Orthodox movements now do; and whether prenuptial agreements will be effective in alleviating the plight of the agunah, a woman whose husband will not or cannot grant her a get, or Jewish bill of divorce. With the rise of intermarriages, Jewish clergy are confronted with questions around creating inclusive weddings that honor Jewish and non-Jewish faith traditions.

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Rabbis, Cantors and Other Options

Contrary to popular belief, the officiant for a Jewish wedding does not have to be a rabbi. According to most interpretations of Jewish law, a Jewish wedding ceremony requires only a pair of witnesses to observe a ritual exchange: one partner (traditionally, the bride) receives something of value from the other partner (traditionally, the groom).

In addition to rabbis, officiant options include a cantor, a relative, a friend, someone called a “non-denominational officiant” — or, theoretically at least, anyone with the eligibility to sign a civil license.

While it was once difficult for interfaith and/or LGBTQ couples to find Jewish clergy willing to officiate, today numerous Reform, Reconstructionist and Renewal rabbis will do so (though many balk at co-officiating with clergy of other faiths). The Conservative movement permits officiation at same-sex weddings but does not allow its rabbis to officiate at interfaith weddings, although some members of the movement have urged it to do so.

READ: Finding a Rabbi or Cantor to Officiate at Your Interfaith Wedding

For those willing to consider options besides clergy, an increasingly popular option is to recruit a friend or relative, who can be ordained by submitting an online application to the Universal Life Church. The ordination is free, but some states may have additional requirements for wedding ministers. While a friend or relative offers intimacy to the gathering, the downside here is that this person may lack experience in the proceedings — especially if they are only now getting the Universal Life ordination.

Anita Diamant, author of The New Jewish Wedding, recommends clergy over family or friends as officiants, because without professional guidance, “you often miss something.”

“There is an expertise as well as a dramaturgy to a wedding,” she says, adding that a rabbi or cantor brings Hebrew literacy to the chuppah, or wedding canopy, and is experienced in guiding people through Jewish rituals.

An added benefit of a cantor: He or she not only brings the experience and gravitas of a clergy member, but may also be able to put you in touch with local musicians to perform during the ceremony or at the reception.

Of course Jewish clergy members aren’t the only experienced wedding officiants. In addition to judges (and of course clergy members of other faiths, whom you may want as co-officiants if yours is an interfaith wedding), nondenominational “ministers,” who are trained and experienced in the art of ceremonies, can be found through organizations such as Journeys of the Heart. Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer, a wedding officiant at Journeys and author of The Creative Jewish Wedding Book, says that “as a nondenominational officiant my mission is to help each couple craft their ceremony in a personal way.”

Chemistry Matters

Unless you are asking a friend, or a clergy member or officiant you already know, seek out referrals from friends or check out online listings. InterfaithFamily offers a free referral service for those seeking someone to officiate at an interfaith wedding. The Knot publishes lists of officiants with reviews, and allows users to narrow their search to focus exclusively on those with Jewish affiliation, or to focus on those who perform interfaith marriages.

When possible, it’s ideal to watch the officiant in action, either at his or her synagogue or at a wedding. At the least, make sure you interview the prospective officiant before you make your decision.

“Trust your heart and your gut,” urges Diamant, whose book launched a third edition in June of 2017 entitled The Jewish Wedding Now.

When speaking to a prospective officiant for the first time, test how he or she reacts to a request for help in solving a wedding issue, such as managing divorced parents. “A la Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink,” says Diamant, referring to the popular book about making instinctive decisions, “you’ll probably know right away.”

What Should A Couple Look For?

Fees, personalities and time commitments vary widely, as well as the Jewish component. Some officiants expect to meet with the couple six times, while others meet just once in advance of the event. Some may consider even a phone conversation adequate. Also, while costs invariably run higher in large cities (as high as $2,000), if the fee uncomfortably stretches the couple’s budget, most officiants are open to reducing it, says Diamant.

If you or your betrothed, (or your parents or future in-laws) belong to a congregation, the clergy typically waives fees, but may ask for a donation to the synagogue. Other issues to consider when choosing an officiant: How traditional or customized a ceremony do you want, and how much Hebrew would you like it to include? How do you feel about traditional restrictions that might limit your scheduling options?

Many rabbis, even in the liberal denominations, will not marry couples during the hours of Shabbat, which, depending on the time of year and your location, is not only all-day Saturday, but can begin as early as late afternoon on a Friday (in winter) or end as late as after 10 p.m. on Saturday (in summer).

In addition, some rabbis follow the strictures that forbid weddings during the seven-week period, known as the Omer, between Passover and Shavuot. (Weddings are traditionally permitted on just one day during this period: the minor holiday of Lag Ba’omer.) Weddings are also traditionally forbidden during the three-week period of mourning in the summer, from the 17th of the Hebrew month Tammuz through Tisha b’Av (the 9th of the Hebrew month Av).

When Should You Start The Search?

It pays to begin the hunt for a wedding officiant early in the planning process. “If there’s a clergy member you’re close to, find out right away if he or she is available,” says Kaplan-Mayer. Some officiants get booked up months in advance, especially for wedding dates in the warmer months.

Kaplan-Mayer says that though she’s more flexible than most Jewish clergy about religious customs, she “has weddings booked 18 months from now. If you call a month before, you’re taking a big risk.”

Elicia Brown is a writer living in Manhattan.

The post How to Find Someone to Officiate at Your Jewish Wedding appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

From Taboo to Commonplace

Outside the Orthodox community, it is increasingly common — and accepted — for American Jews to marry partners from different faith backgrounds. “Marrying out” was once widely seen as a rejection of one’s Jewish identity, and the ultimate taboo. Time was, some parents cut off contact with children who intermarried or even sat shiva for them, the ritual observed when a loved one dies. A famous example of this is in the musical “Fiddler on the Roof,” when Tevye shuns his daughter Chava for marrying a Russian Orthodox Christian.

Today, many American Jewish parents welcome non-Jewish sons- and daughters-in-law, and significant numbers of non-Orthodox rabbis officiate at their weddings, though the Conservative movement still bars rabbis from doing so. Growing numbers of intermarried Jews remain engaged in Jewish life and raise their children as Jews.

READ: How to Find a Rabbi or Cantor to Officiate at Your Interfaith Wedding

The situation outside the Jewish community has changed as well. While anti-Semitism and a broader culture less open to interfaith and interracial marriage once prevented earlier generations of American Jews from intermarrying in large numbers, today interfaith and intercultural marriages of all kinds (not just ones involving Jews) are more common, with a 2015 study reporting that almost 40 percent of adults who married in the previous five years have a partner of a different faith.

Impact of the 1990 National Jewish Population Study

Intermarriage became a major topic of American Jewish concern in the 1980s and ’90s, as high-profile demographic studies showed that the rate of Jews marrying non-Jews had escalated dramatically. In particular, the 1990 National Jewish Population Study, which reported that 52 percent of American Jews were intermarrying (later analysis indicated that the more accurate number was 43 percent), sparked much discussion about Jewish continuity and whether the Jewish population in America would all but vanish by assimilating into the larger culture.

In the two decades following the study, many communal leaders debated the merits of reaching out and welcoming the intermarried, versus focusing on in-married Jews. In addition, the study sparked a wide range of Jewish education initiatives that were aimed at strengthening Jewish identity — and that were often touted as keys to preventing intermarriage. In particular, many philanthropists and federations invested in Jewish day schools, summer camps, campus Hillels and, perhaps most notably, the Birthright Israel program, which offers free 10-day trips to Israel.

The Debate Over How to Respond to Intermarriage

In the aftermath of the 1990 study, rabbis and other leaders debated how best to respond to the large numbers of already intermarried Jews and their children. Many, particularly in the Conservative movement, feared that officiating at interfaith weddings, accepting interfaith families or permitting intermarried Jews to hold leadership positions, were all tantamount to condoning intermarriage — and would only encourage more Jews to intermarry.

Others argued that intermarriage is not something over which the Jewish community has any control. Egon Mayer, a pioneer in outreach to the intermarried and founder of the Jewish Outreach Institute (later called “Big Tent Judaism”), in 2001 famously compared debates about intermarriage to “arguing against the weather.”

While some leaders suggested that Jewish leaders be more aggressive about encouraging non-Jewish partners to convert to Judaism, others countered that such policies would alienate many people. In addition, while opponents of intermarriage pointed to statistics showing that intermarried Jews were less likely to raise their children within the faith, and were thus shrinking the ranks of the Jewish community, others argued that the intermarriage taboo and the perpetual hand-wringing about intermarriage were driving intermarried families — and liberal-minded young Jews — away, becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Patrilineal Descent: When Dad’s Jewish, But Mom Is Not

Another hotly debated issue concerning intermarriage is that of “patrilineal descent,” or the status of children who have a Jewish father and non-Jewish mother. While Jewish law stipulates that one must have a Jewish mother or undergo a conversion in order to be recognized as Jewish, the Reform movement in 1982 announced it would recognize as Jewish all children of intermarriage raised Jewish, regardless of the religion of the mother. The Reconstructionist movement adopted a similar policy three years earlier, in 1979.

Neither Orthodoxy nor the Conservative movement accept patrilineal descent, and the Chief Rabbinate of Israel does not recognize “patrilineal” Jews as Jewish. (While such Jews are eligible to immigrate to Israel under the Law of Return, which requires only Jewish ancestry, they face challenges marrying other Jews, being buried in Jewish cemeteries and with other religious issues. For more information on this topic and help navigating these issues, click here.) The differing views over “who is a Jew” mean that “patrilineal” Jews who wish to participate in more traditional Jewish communities, marry more traditional Jews or immigrate to Israel often undergo formal conversions.

Leadership vs. Grassroots

Amidst the hand-wringing and debates among Jewish leadership, growing numbers of rank-and-file Jews indicated they were comfortable with intermarriage. In a 2000 American Jewish Committee study, more than half of American Jews surveyed said they disagreed with the statement, “It would pain me if my child married a gentile,” and 50 percent agreed that “it is racist to oppose Jewish‑gentile marriages.”

In addition, even within the Conservative movement, where leaders had spoken out against inter-dating and intermarriage, a 2002 study of alumni of the movement’s Ramah camps found that only 30 percent dated only Jews.

READ: The War Over Intermarriage Has Been Lost. Now What?

By the second decade of the 21st century, many observers were suggesting that the intermarriage wars were over, and that intermarriage had won.

Rabbinic Officiation at Interfaith Weddings

To be sure, opposition to intermarriage remains, particularly among more traditional Jews who believe it violates Jewish law and threatens the Jewish future. While many Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis officiate at interfaith marriages, significant numbers do not, and few rabbis co-officiate with clergy of other faiths. While a growing cohort of rabbis within the Conservative movement are seeking ways to welcome intermarried couples, their movement still bars them from officiating at interfaith weddings. Orthodox rabbis do not officiate at interfaith weddings.

READ: Rabbis Should Say Yes to Officiating at Interfaith Weddings

However, where Jewish communal discussion of intermarriage was one dominated by questions of how best to discourage young Jews from marrying out (or, in a more positive spin, how to encourage them to marry within the Tribe), it has shifted largely to how best to engage Jews and their partners in Jewish life and encourage them to raise Jewish children. Growing numbers of leaders now speak of intermarriage as an “opportunity,” rather than a “threat” or “challenge.”

READ: Growing Numbers of Rabbis Are Children of Intermarriage

While some demographic studies continue to emphasize the dangers of intermarriage to Jewish continuity, others have pointed to more positive trends for the Jewish community  — in particular, an analysis of the Pew Research Center’s 2013 study on American Jewish identity finding that significantly more adult children of intermarriage are choosing to identify as Jewish now than used to — and, as a result, over the past two decades intermarriage may have “contributed modestly” to a Jewish population increase.

Remaining Challenges for Interfaith Families

Today most non-Orthodox synagogues and other Jewish institutions say they welcome interfaith families and encourage interested non-Jewish spouses to participate fully in their activities, regardless of whether or not they plan to convert.

Some restrictions remain — the Reform and Conservative movements will not ordain rabbis who are intermarried, although in 2015 the Reconstructionist movement lifted a policy barring intermarried rabbis. In addition, the Conservative movement still does not recognize as Jewish “patrilineal” Jews — but many rabbis still officiate at bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies or Jewish weddings of such people so long as they first undergo a pro forma conversion. Non-Jewish partners, particularly non-white ones, sometimes report subtle discrimination or Jewish chauvinism in Jewish settings — or find it off-putting when congregants or rabbis assume everyone in the community is Jewish. In addition, not all synagogues allow non-Jewish partners as official members.

Regardless of the welcome they get (or don’t get) from the Jewish world, interfaith couples still face some challenges that Jewish-Jewish couples do not as they navigate often emotional questions of how to raise their children and which traditions and holidays they want to observe as a family. Some also experience tensions or pressures from members of the non-Jewish side of the family.

READ: ‘December Dilemma’ Resources for Interfaith Families

As intermarriage has become more common, interfaith families are no longer a minority within the Jewish community, and those who wish to become involved in organized Jewish life face far fewer barriers than they once did. However, this population still faces some unique challenges — and it remains to be seen how high rates of intermarriage will affect the size and character of the American Jewish community over the long term.

Some Resources for Interfaith Families

• InterfaithFamily has a variety of services for interfaith couples and families, including help finding Jewish clergy to officiate or co-officiate at intermarriages. Its website contains hundreds of articles and essays about interfaith family life, and its local offices in San Francisco, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, Cleveland, Atlanta and Washington DC offer classes, meet-ups and other events.
• Honeymoon Israel offers subsidized group Israel tours for young married couples (under age 40), both Jewish-Jewish and interfaith. The goal is “to welcome all couples with at least one Jewish partner to the Jewish community” and help them connect with other couples who live near them.
• To find out how a wide variety of interfaith couples are making it work, check out Kveller’s Up Close photo series profiling 20 families.

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

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Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

Offering an alternate statement, whether for a woman in an opposite sex couple, or for same sex partners, feels “less than.” A helpful analogy is the conversation in the civil arena, where pundits and politicians search for any word other than “marriage” to describe unions for same-sex couples, because they say that “marriage” should be reserved for heterosexuals. This argument offers a pale version of so-called equality for same-sex couples, while reserving the real thing, the authentic language, for heterosexuals. If we truly believe that these unions are of equal status, there is no problem using the same word for them.

Obviously, the halakhic (Jewish law) issues are more complicated. But, if we practice a truly egalitarian Judaism, and believe that men and women are of equal halakhic status and that marriages between a man and man, woman and woman, and woman and man are of equal status, then kiddushin poses a real challenge.

Many scholars and rabbis have persuasively argued that we must abandon language of kiddushin if we are to achieve true egalitarianism in wedding ceremonies. I agree that we need to reframe the ritual. Two equal people cannot acquire one another. A partnership ritual, such as that suggested by Rachel Adler in her book Engendering Judaism, seems much more appropriate for an egalitarian couple of any sex in this age.

Yet the formula of “harei at” continues to feel like the “real thing.” I believe that the emotional resonance of these words is significant. So much of the significance of weddings lies in symbolism and emotion. This is why we craft elaborate public rituals rather than perfunctory business transactions. Whereas the transaction of kiddushin feels outdated and inherently unequal, the idea of using language of kedushah (holiness) to sanctify the ritual and infuse the marriage with holiness is compelling.

Combining the partnership ritual that Adler describes in her brit ahuvim (explained in this article) ceremony, placing the rings in a pouch and raising them, with the traditional formula of “harei at/harei ata,” achieves an egalitarian ritual with deeply resonant language.

Some couples have suggested coining a new phrase: hitkadshut, to retain the language of holiness while maintaining a greater agency, “I sanctify myself to you,” rather than “you are sanctified to me.”

Many couples, less versed in the intricacies of rabbinic language but intent on having a “real Jewish wedding” prefer the traditional formula, and I encourage them to use it.

For Hebrew versions of the following blessings, written by Rabbis Ayelet Cohen and Marc Margolious, click here.

Sheva Brachot (Seven Blessings)

Blessed are You our God, Source of Life, who creates the fruit of the vine. Blessed are You, our God, Source of Life, who frees us from fear and shame and opens us to the holiness of our bodies and their pleasures. You guide us to entwine our hearts in righteousness, justice, loving kindness and compassion. Blessed are You, who sanctifies Israel through love that is honorable and true.

Birkat Erusin — Betrothal Blessing

The betrothal blessing expresses the commitment to enter into this next stage of a sexually exclusive, committed partnership. Although the standard text concerns prohibitions, this reframing of the blessing affirms the holiness and wholeness of a healthy, liberated sexuality, and sanctifies the couple’s commitment to a relationship founded upon rigorous honesty and mutual respect.

Blessed are You our God, Source of Life, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Blessed are You, our God, Source of Life, who frees us from fear and shame and opens us to the holiness of our bodies and their pleasures.

You guide us to entwine our hearts in righteousness, justice, loving kindness and compassion.

Blessed are You, who sanctifies Israel through love that is honorable and true.

© Ayelet Sonya Cohen and Marc J. Margolius, adapted from a blessing by Tamara Ruth Cohen, Gwynn Kessler, and Ayelet Sonya Cohen

Reprinted with permission of Keshet, a national organization that works for full LGBTQ equality and inclusion in Jewish life.

The post Adapting the Sheva Brachot for Same-Sex Marriages appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Of course you can always buy something off their registry, if they have one, but there are some special traditions when it comes to Jewish wedding gifts.

We’ve outlined five categories of useful and appropriate gifts for Jewish newlyweds. We hope they ease your gift-giving angst!

For a video on “What To Expect at a Jewish Wedding,” scroll to the bottom of the page.

1. Friday Night Essentials

The benefit to giving a wedding present related to Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath) is it enables the couple to use and appreciate your gift every week for years and years to come.

Shabbat begins with candle-lighting and the accompanying blessing. A pair of candlesticks, like this gorgeous crystal set will shine in any couple’s first home.

We’re firm believers that a table full of guests doesn’t have to mean a ton of work for the hosts. A lever-style rabbit corkscrew makes opening wine bottles a snap, and this Kiddush fountain with 9 cups does the work of pouring the Kiddush wine for guests.

Traditionally after kiddush (the blessing over the wine), guests wash their hands in preparation for the blessing over the challah. With this beautiful silver turquoise washing cup, the couple can observe this custom in style.

Another gift that could brighten up their Shabbat table is a gorgeous embroidered challah cover, like this one. All these gifts can be used week after week, setting your gift apart as something special and kadosh (holy), just like Shabbat.

2. Keeping an Organized Kitchen

Another genre of wedding gifts that we’re fond of giving (and, yes, receiving) are those that ease food preparation and kitchen organization — both important considerations, especially if the newlyweds are kosher-observant.

A good and inexpensive way to help the couple stay organized is a three-piece cutting board set to prepare meat, dairy, and pareve foods. This colorful set of 3 cutting boards is bright and fun.

Everyone’s into fresh, healthy cooking these days, but what if the couple wants to make a good old classic dish like, say, brisket? Get them a Dutch oven! This Lodge 6 quart red dutch oven is a steal compared to some of the fancier brands. Or, if they want cholent (a slow-cooked stew) on a cold Shabbat day, a crockpot like this Hamilton Beach Stay or Go Slow Cooker is a needed addition to make those yummy Sabbath stews.

But don’t forget the potatoes. You can make their potato-grating for latkes (potato pancakes, traditionally served on Hanukkah) unbelievably easy with this Black & Decker 8-Cup Food Processor. And have you ever seen something as ingenious as this nifty Non-Stick 3-Tier Cooling Rack? It’s just crying out for some piping-hot treats.

3. Judaica To Round Out a Jewish Home

Whether the newlyweds are looking forward to hosting Passover seders and need a seder plate, like this unique Israeli one by Yair Emanuel, or they’re going to be having friends and family over for Hanukkah and could use some extra menorahs, now is a great time to help them build up their Judaica collection.

This handmade iron Hanukkah menorah is elegant and sophisticated, and this Copper finish menorah has a more classic air. Or, if you give a Rosh Hashanah honey dish, it can double as a sugar bowl the rest of the year!

A couple can store their Sukkot etrog in style in this Yair Emanuel wooden etrog box. A Havdalah set, like this silver-plated one is something they can use each week to say goodbye to Shabbat.

Finally, a mezuzah like this gorgeous and funky one, completes any Jewish home. As newlyweds set up their lives together, they’ll need multiple mezuzot, so don’t worry about duplicates.

4. Cookbooks

Filled with brand-new dishes and cookware, a newlyweds’ kitchen is a great place to experiment with recipes. We recommend giving both classic cookbooks and some new takes on kosher cooking, which can be great gifts for a couple looking to develop their recipe repertoire. For more Jewish cookbook recommendations, read The Best Jewish Cookbooks to Give As A Wedding Gift.

The Whole Foods Kosher Kitchen offers the whole megillah of kosher cooking, with expert tips from a seasoned chef. And for a more contemporary twist, The Modern Menu is a great find. Sections are categorized by flavors and textures, rather than by courses.

For a couple that’s looking to expand their soup options, Soup: A Kosher Collection has more than 100 recipes to choose from. And you can help them step up their pareve (containing neither meat nor dairy) dessert recipes with The Kosher Baker: Over 160 Dairy-free Recipes from Traditional to Trendy. Finally, you don’t have to be vegetarian to appreciate Olive Trees and Honey: A Treasury of Vegetarian Recipes from Jewish Communities Around the World. Giving a newlywed couple a few cookbooks is essentially handing them the tools for successful, enjoyable meals for years to come.

5. Show Them The Money

In Jewish circles it is customary to write checks in multiples of $18, corresponding to the numerical value of the Hebrew word for “life” or chai. If the couple is already fairly established in their home, an appropriate alternative is to make a charitable donation in the couple’s honor. It’s a good idea to check with the newlyweds about their charity preferences, as a donation to a charity that they have a personal connection can be a very meaningful gift.

We hope our guide helps you navigate through the whirlwind that is wedding season. And since MyJewishLearning, Inc. is a not-for-profit organization that relies on donations and revenue-raising, we’ll receive a percentage of the proceeds of any purchase you make using our links. Thank you for trusting us to help you with this decision.

Here’s wishing you and your loved ones a hearty “mazel tov,” from all of us.

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

The post What Gift Do You Give at a Jewish Wedding? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Shidduchin is the process of matching two Jewish singles for the purpose of marriage. Judaism views marriage as the basis of human companionship and the cornerstone of Jewish community. As the venue for fulfillment of the biblical commandment of p’ru u’rvu, be fruitful and multiply, Jewish marriage is also the basis of Jewish survival.

In Hebrew, a match is known as a shidduch and the person who facilitates a match is a shadchan. Young people in the process of seeking a mate with the help of a matchmaker sometimes say that they are “in shidduchim.”

Matchmaking is common in some Jewish communities, non-existent in others, and looks different across various Jewish communities; divergences are often due to a community’s customs and interpretations of Jewish law. But one aspect common to them all is reliance on the shadchan. Being a successful shadchan is considered especially meritorious — according to Jewish oral tradition, introducing three couples that ultimately marry guarantees the shadchan a place in the heavenly realm of the afterlife. 

Matchmaking in the Bible 

In biblical times, marriages were commonly arranged and negotiated by the families of the prospective couple. The first instance of Jewish matchmaking might arguably be that of first two people on earth — when God created Eve so that Adam would not be alone. 

Another prominent biblical case can be found in Genesis 24 where an aging Abraham instructs his servant Eliezer to find a wife for his son, Isaac. Abraham insists the wife cannot be a Canaanite and sends Eliezer to find a woman from Abraham’s own people. Eliezer travels back to Abraham’s home country where he asks God to give him a sign when he has found the right woman. Fortuitously, almost immediately he meets Rebecca at a well where she offers to water his camels and then quickly agrees to marry Isaac, having never met him. After negotiating with Rebecca’s family, Rebecca agrees to return with Eliezer to marry Isaac. 

In this biblical example, we see that there is no single person in charge of a match (Abraham, Eliezer, and Rebecca herself all are instrumental in bringing it about), that there is no element of coercion (Rebecca wants to marry Isaac), and that God is considered to play a key role (in giving Eliezer the signs needed to identify the right partner). These elements continued to inform Jewish ideas about matchmaking through the millennia.

Are All Jewish Marriages Arranged?

No. Even in the Hebrew Bible, we find examples of people who choose their own spouses, sometimes against the express wishes of their families. For instance, Jacob falls in love with his cousin Rachel and wishes to marry her, but is initially tricked into marrying her older sister. Nonetheless, he marries Rachel and she is forever his favorite wife.

Beyond the Bible, stories of love matches not approved by the family populate Jewish lore. For instance, the great Rabbi Akiva married his wife, Rachel, against the wishes of her wealthy father, who only came around to his son-in-law decades later after Akiva had become a great sage.

God Is the Real Shadchan

While the Yiddish word bashert (colloquially used to mean soulmate) is relatively modern, the concept is rooted in an ancient Jewish idea that God is the ultimate shadchan behind every match. According to the Talmud (Sotah 2a), 40 days before an embryo is formed, a divine voice declares, “The daughter of so-and-so is destined to marry so-and-so.”

One midrash even says that after creating the world, God shifted gears to become a full-time shadchan. Genesis Rabbah 68 relays a conversation between the prominent sage Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta and an unnamed Roman woman. Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta explains that according to the Torah, God created the world in six days.

“And since then,” she asked, “what has God been doing?” 

“God sits on the Heavenly Throne and makes matches: the daughter of this one to that one, the widow of this one to that one, the money of this one to that one,” responded Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta.

“And for merely this you believe in Him!” she said. “Even I can do that. I have many slaves, both male and female. In no time at all, I can match them for marriage.” 

The Roman woman goes on to pair 1,000 enslaved men with 1,000 enslaved women. Within a day, some of the couples had violently attacked each other, while others came to the Roman woman expressing the poor quality of the match. She then returns to Rabbi Yosi ben Halafta:

She said: “There is no God like your God, and your Torah is true, pleasing and praiseworthy. You spoke wisely.” 

Rabbi Yosi ben Halafata said to her: “Didn’t I tell you, if it appears easy in your eyes, it is difficult for the Holy One Blessed Be He like splitting the sea. What do you think? That The Holy One Blessed Be He, is marrying them against their will but not for their benefit?!?” 

Shidduchim Through the Ages

Jewish legal documents from the Middle Ages reveal that while using a shadchan was widespread in German and French Jewish communities, the role was nearly non-existent among Sephardic Jews. In Entangled Histories: Knowledge, Authority, and Jewish Culture in the 13th Century, Ephraim Kanarfogel explains that families acted as matchmakers:

“Spanish rabbinic authorities, going back to the Muslim period and to at least several Geonim in the east as well, maintained that the divine role in bringing husband and wife together was the predominant factor in determining the existence of a marriage. The task of the parents and grandparents was to arrange the marriage within the earthly realm, of which they were quite capable. However, it was ultimately the divine agency that allowed the marriage to move forward.”

Using a shadchan continued to be the norm in Ashkenazi Jewish communities for hundreds of years regardless of religiosity. According to Shaul Stampfer, the shidduch system was primarily used by more affluent families that were primarily concerned with maintaining their wealth and social status. A common match was a promising young Torah scholar paired with a wealthy young woman. This practice ensured that Torah study and Torah scholars were adequately financed.

Shidduchin Today

In Haredi communities, shidduchin is virtually the only path to marriage, as all interactions between men and women are highly circumscribed. The widespread demand has launched shadchan as a full-time career for both men and women. However, there are no requirements in Jewish law regarding who can be a shadchan. 

Once someone decides they are ready to start searching for their match, they meet with the shadchan to explain what they are searching for in terms of hashkafa (religious philosophy), personality and building a future family. Prospective daters commonly create a resume that outlines their height and weight, their educational background, their family’s origins and customs, their synagogue affiliations and other basic information. A shadchan may have hundreds of resumes on file at any given time. 

In addition to having a resume, the shadchan will collect references from teachers, roommates, classmates, family friends and other community members who can attest to the prospective candidate’s character and commitment to building a Jewish home.

The shadchan does more than just suggest a match. In ultra-Orthodox communities, the prospective couple does not communicate directly, so the shadchan schedules dates, conveys locations, answers any concerns from the families, and even halts the shidduch process once one party says they are no longer interested. 

Outside the Haredi world, professionalized matchmaking is less common. But the internet has created new avenues for Jewish matchmaking in many Jewish communities. Saw You At Sinai, a matchmaking website launched in 2003, pairs couples after they have filled out a comprehensive profile. While most dating sites use an algorithm to show users each others’ profiles, Saw You at Sinai has actual matchmakers that review user profiles and suggest shidduchs. Other websites, such as Yismach and FindYourBashert, function similarly for Orthodox Jews. 

Jewish matchmaking is also commonly facilitated by Jewish federations and community centers through singles meet-ups, speed-dating and other events. Some Jewish communities even have matchmakers dedicated to arranging shidduchim for non-Orthodox Jews, like Tribe12 in Philadelphia. 

Read more on Jewish matchmaking from our partners:
Sorry, Fiddler on the Roof, I Don’t Want a Matchmaker
In ‘Jewish Matchmaking,’ a diverse set of Jews experience Orthodox dating practices
I Arranged My Kids’ Jewish Marriages. Here’s What Happened.

The post How Does Jewish Matchmaking Work? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

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History

Exchanging rings was not originally an essential part of Jewish marriage. There is, for example, no mention of a wedding ring in the Bible. Rather, the exchange of wedding rings is a custom Jews have absorbed from the wider cultures in which they have lived. Even so, it has now become an integral and iconic part of a Jewish wedding.

According to the Mishnah (Kiddushin 1:1), which also never mentions wedding rings (and neither does the Talmud), a man betroths a woman in one of three ways:

1. Giving her money (a bride price).
2. Giving her a written contract (shtar tena’im).
3. Consummating the relationship.

Any one of these is sufficient, though the rabbis of the Talmud opposed the third method of betrothal and preferred the first — money.

The wedding ring, which came into use in Jewish circles probably in the medieval period, carries a certain minimal monetary value which means it can be used for the bride price. By giving his beloved a ring, the husband effectively gives her the monetary sum required to make her his bride. Historically, a husband could equally have given her anything else of monetary value, from a book to a property deed to a coin.

The amount required is quite small, making marriage available to people from all economic backgrounds. According to the Mishnah, a single perutah, the smallest denomination of ancient coinage, is sufficient. Jewish wedding rings need not be expensive.

When the groom gives the bride money or a ring, he is not buying her (a common misconception). The bride does not belong to him, nor is she his slave. Rather, what the groom is “buying” is exclusive intimacy with her. In other words, by accepting the ring (or money, or other item of value), the bride agrees that, from that point forward, she will not have intimate relations with anyone other than her groom.

Presenting the Ring

During the ceremony, the groom places the ring on the right index finger of the bride with the following declaration: harei at mekudeshet li b’taba’at zo k’da’at moshe v’yisrael. “Behold, with this ring, you are consecrated to me according to the law of Moses and Israel.”

Because it is now customary in the West to wear one’s wedding band on the left ring finger and not the right index finger, many people move the ring after the wedding ceremony.

As many streams of Judaism have become more egalitarian and started accepting gay and lesbian marriages, many Jews have opted for a double-ring ceremony in which each partner gives the other a ring and thereby the couple pledges mutual sexual fidelity. For rings given to a male partner, the language is as follows: harei ata mekudesh li b’taba’at zo kda’at moshe v’yisrael.

Selecting a Ring

There is a tradition that the Jewish wedding band should be a simple metal circlet with no gemstones or other embellishments.

Usually, the ring is made of gold which carries monetary value and does not tarnish or attract dirt — a hope that the marriage too will be lasting and beautiful. Sometimes, a connection is drawn to the rings of gold mentioned as part of the Tabernacle in Exodus 26:29. There is also a tradition that the ring be made of silver, a common metal for money.

Why do Jews usually choose rings with no adornment? One reason given is that the value of the ring should be apparent — so there is no deception or misunderstanding at the outset of the marriage. Others have argued that the simple ring represents hope for a similar honesty and purity in the relationship between the married partners. Some see the circle as a symbol of the equality of all people, including these two marriage partners. Still others argue that, as the ancient Greeks had it, the circle is the most perfect of all shapes, even as it hides within it an irrational ratio (pi). In this way, the circle of the ring represents a hope for a beautiful, perfect marriage even though it is contracted by two people who are only human and sometimes, like all of us, a bit irrational.

The post All About Jewish Wedding Rings appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There are no shortage of Jewish cookbooks to choose from online or off bookstore shelves. In fact, there are so many Jewish cookbooks it can be overwhelming to pick from so many delicious-sounding options. Here is a list of some of the most beloved, and trusted cookbooks for any new couple, no matter if they love Israeli food, keep a vegetarian diet or plan to host big holiday dinners.

Joan Nathan’s Jewish Holiday Cookbook

Every Jewish kitchen should have at least one of Joan Nathan’s cookbooks, if not several. And classic Jewish holiday dishes from the queen of American Jewish food is an absolute must.

The Book of Jewish Food: An Odyssey from Samarkand to New York

This classic book by Jewish food legend Claudia Roden may not have fancy photos on every page, but it’s a book of deep substance, history and deliciousness whose recipes are researched and perfected. Anyone who is interested in Jewish food will want to devour it from start to finish.

The Book of New Israeli Food

The flavors and spices of Israeli cuisine can be exciting, and overwhelming. But Janna Gur’s first cookbook provides an education on the origins of Israeli food itself as well as dozens of perfect classic recipes from basic hummus to green Persian rice, stews, babka and more without sending readers off on a never-ending ingredient treasure hunt.

Zahav: A World of Israeli Cooking

Michael Solomonov’s award-winning cookbook is part storytelling and part mouth-watering recipes that any newlyweds will be excited to tackle together.

Aromas of Aleppo: The Legendary Cuisine of Syrian Jews

This book brings the traditional recipes and flavors of traditional Syrian cooking to life with personal stories and beautiful photos. There are delicious recipes, but also a fascinating history of the Syrian Jewish community.

Modern Jewish Cooking

Leah Koenig’s stunning cookbook offers the perfect guide to modern yet traditional dishes, with beautiful photos, creative twists and truly trustworthy recipes. This book would nicely complement one of the more classic books on this list for a perfect gift set.

Modern Jewish Baker

For the baker in your life, this beautiful book gives an overview of 7 different Jewish doughs including challah, babka, bagels, pita, rugelach, hamantaschen and pita, while also giving tons of fun variations for home bakers to experiment with. Each chapter walks you through the best tools to master each recipe and shares tips for what each dough should look and “feel” like plus step-by-step visuals.

The Gefilte Manifesto: New Recipes for Old World Jewish Foods 

Jeffrey Yoskowitz and Liz Alpern’s goals have always been to bring New World sensibilities and flavors into Old World foods, like gefilte fish, kugel, challah and other Jewish classics. Their cookbook, like Leah Koenig’s Modern Jewish Cooking, is a perfect new-meets-old book that is beautiful, clean and the perfect gift.

Barefoot Contessa: Back to Basics

Jewish cooking isn’t just about the food: it’s also about hosting and welcoming guests into your home. Ina Garten not only provides an education in ingredients and cooking, but how to host a meal from start to finish with simple, perfect recipes.

The New York Times Jewish Cookbook

This enormous volume offers more than 825 recipes from around the world, which is sure to keep even the ambitious new cooks busy for some time.

The Moosewood Cookbook

Mollie Katzen’s vegetarian cookbook has been a classic in Jewish kitchens since its release over 30 year ago for good reason: The vegetable-forward recipes are simple, healthy and perfectly complement Shabbat meals, holiday dinners or everyday eating.

The Superfun Times Vegan Holiday Cookbook: Entertaining for Absolutely Every Occasion

For the vegan couple in your life, this book offers unique recipes for Hanukkah, Rosh Hashanah, Passover and everything in between.

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As interfaith weddings are becoming more common, cultural differences can add more stress to the occasion, especially if couples seek to honor both religious traditions. In fact, how to make wedding ceremonies inclusive and comfortable for the families, friends and guests is one of the most frequently-asked questions InterfaithFamily receives. More tips and sample prayers can be found in the group’s Guide to Wedding Ceremonies for Interfaith Families.

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1. Involve
Involve family and friends in the planning.They will be more connected to the wedding if they have been a part of making the day a special one.

2. Explain

Provide a program with definitions and explanations of the various traditions and rituals represented in the ceremony, and ask the officiant to explain them during the ceremony.

3. Acknowledge
Acknowledge the couple’s two faith backgrounds at various points during the ceremony.

4. Be Sensitive
Choose readings that either are common to both traditions, or do not offend either one. Many wonderful readings used by interfaith couples do not come from any religious tradition, while other readings and prayers that do come from one religious tradition are not inconsistent or off-putting to participants from another faith. Consult with clergy over any questions or concerns you may have.

5. Common Rituals
Similarly, include rituals that are common to both traditions, or do not offend either one, for example blessings over wine, or lighting a Unity Candle, a traditional part of a Christian wedding.

6. Customize Your Ketubah
Create an interfaith ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract, now often a work of art couples frame and display in their homes.

7. Bring Both Families Under the Chuppah
Involve both families and traditions with the chuppah, the Jewish wedding canopy, representing the home that the couple will build together, that often consists of four poles and a cloth covering. Have the parents who are not Jewish make the chuppah covering. Have members of both families decorate and/or hold the chuppah poles. Have the chuppah covering reflect the tradition of the family that is not Jewish. One couple with a Chinese background had guests sign a red silk piece of material that was then used for the chuppah covering. (In Chinese culture red symbolizes joy and features prominently in wedding clothing and ritual objects).

8. Make the Sheva Brachot Participatory
Choose seven friends and family members from both sides to offer either the original or alternative versions of the sheva b’rachot, the seven blessings traditionally recited during a Jewish wedding.

9. Translate the Hebrew
Be sure that anything said in Hebrew — and any other language incorporated into the ceremony — is translated so that everyone present can understand.

10. Other Inclusive Activities
Include inclusive activities such as the handshake of peace, passing around a challah, or joining hands to sing a song together or to wish the couple well.

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Reprinted with permission from InterfaithFamily: supporting interfaith families exploring Jewish life. Sign up for their newsletters here.

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This was not a man with few religious ties. On the contrary, he was the son of prominent rabbi; however, a Moroccan Sephardic one. In my Askhenazic worldview, I knew next to nothing about Moroccan Jewish ritual, but in fairness, my fiancé knew nothing about Ashkenazic traditions. It turned out that he had never been to an Ashkenazic wedding even though he was already in his early 30s. He grew up in a huge family with many siblings and tens of cousins and had lived solely among a variety of ethnic Sephardim when growing up in Beersheva, Israel. In stark contrast, I was born in London and moved to Long Island at age 6 and had barely met any Sephardim stateside. I certainly had never been to a Sephardic life cycle event and in fact, my wedding at the Sephardic Temple on Long Island was my first Sephardic wedding.

Learn more about the Moroccan Jewish community here.

From the get go I was happy to take on new customs. It was fun to do something unusual. In fact, for both of us it was different. I took on Moroccan Sephardic ritual and my fiancé became a part of a somewhat typical American Jewish wedding celebration, which to his family was something very unique.

Perhaps the most interesting Moroccan wedding custom (also done by many other non-Ashkenazic Jews) is a Henna party, done in lieu of the bedeken. The Ashkenazim, immediately before the wedding ceremony, perform the ritual of bedeken in which the groom places the veil on the bride to recall the story of our patriarch Jacob who did not realize that he was married to Leah, and not Rachel, until it was too late. The bedeken reassures the groom that he is indeed marrying the right woman.

However, the bedeken is not something done at a Sephardic wedding. Instead, there is a separate celebration held a few evenings before the wedding in which the bride and groom (and in our case many of our guests!) have henna applied to their palms. The henna does not come off for a while and so at the wedding a few days later, the couple are easily identified.

But the henna celebration is more than that. At our party we wore Moroccan caftans from my fiancé’s family and my fiancé wore a fez. The wedding guests took turns wearing the different caftans for their photo ops and did so while listening to traditional Moroccan music and eating delicious Moroccan food. My brother-in-law’s friend’s Moroccan mother made incredible traditional marzipan desserts which we forever immortalized when we photographed them that evening. The henna was something so special and unusual for me and for my Ashkenazi family and friends that will be forever remembered. I still have some of the leftover henna because I hope to someday have henna parties for my children!.

As a child dreaming of my wedding one day I could never have imagined how it would actually turn out. Perhaps that is a special gift that the Jewish people have given to ourselves. Due to our presence all over the diaspora, we have an endless amount of traditions encompassing a myriad of ritual customs, foods and more. This diversity which continues to develop is indeed something that should be celebrated. I feel lucky to be a part of this Jewish cultural evolution.

Click here for more on Jewish wedding customs.

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The Seven Blessings in Hebrew, Transliteration and English Translation

Under the Huppah

During the ceremony, the seven blessings are traditionally chanted in Hebrew and may also be read in English. In the Sephardic tradition, a parent often wraps the bride and groom in a tallit (prayer shawl) before the recitation of the blessings, to recognize the intimacy and significance of the moment. Many contemporary couples use the theme of “blessing” to creatively interpret the reading of the Sheva Brachot: They may invite seven friends or family members to each recite one of the blessings or have the traditional blessings sung in Hebrew while friends or family members offer seven non-traditional blessings in English.

There are many English interpretations of the Sheva Brachot available, some of which use neutral or feminine God language instead of the traditional male imagery. Often couples will include the Sheva Brachot in Hebrew and/or English in their wedding programs so that guests can fully participate in this important moment in the ceremony. Traditionally, everyone present joins with the leader in singing parts of the final blessing.

Some Alternative Versions of the Sheva Brachot

A New Seven BlessingsAn Abbreviated Version of the Sheva BrachotSheva Brachot for Two WomenSheva Brachot for Two Men

At the Wedding Reception

It is customary for the Sheva Brachot to be recited again during the wedding celebration over a glass of wine, following the Birkat Hamazon (grace after meals). In this case, the first blessing (Kiddush) is moved to the final position. This second sharing of the blessings gives couples an additional opportunity to honor their loved ones by inviting them to offer one of the blessings.

Another beautiful custom for this sharing of the Sheva Brachot is for the wine to be divided into two different cups — representing bride and groom — that are then poured together into a third cup. The wine that has been mixed together is poured back into cups for the bride and groom, and also poured into the third cup, shared by the community. This ritual shows how the couple is now connected, and how their life together is intertwined with community.

The Week After the Wedding

While today many newly married couples are eager to sneak away for honeymoon time alone (and often to de-stress from their wedding planning marathons), Jewish tradition held that the bride and groom needed time with the community to help start their marriage out on the right foot. For the seven days following the wedding, the bride and groom were treated like a queen and king, and were invited to dine at the home of a different friend or relative on each night. These festive meals were also called “Sheva Brachot.” Following dinner, the seven blessings would be recited again — as long as a minyan of 10 were present and there was at least one new person who hadn’t been at the wedding present. The idea of the dinners was to have real community celebrations for the couple, and parties often went into the night. During generations when marriages were arranged and couples may have met just before marriage the Sheva Brachot meals served as a way for the couple to get to know each other, while being supported by the community.

Today the Sheva Brachot festive meals are still an important custom, though observed more regularly in traditional circles. Some couples postpone their honeymoon trips so that they can celebrate with their community first and then celebrate their marriage together later. Other Jewish couples are choosing to engage in the custom for some of their first week of marriage or will even celebrate a week of Sheva Brachot when they return from their honeymoons.

Modern Traditions

Traditionally, only Jewish men are counted in a minyan and only Jewish men can recite the Sheva Brachot, both under the huppah and during the festive meals following the wedding. In liberal Jewish communities, both men and women are welcomed and encouraged to recite the Sheva Brachot. Some Orthodox feminists have challenged the halakhah (Jewish law) surrounding this debate, but have largely not made ground in changing this tradition. Other Orthodox and some Conservative women, though, in a desire not to challenge the halakhah but to still include women friends and family members in their wedding honors have created a new tradition: the Sheva Shevahot, or seven praises. These seven praises are recited before, rather than after, the wedding meal, and emphasize the psalms and poems which celebrate the accomplishments of biblical women. The seventh praise is often the Shehechiyanu blessing.

Rabbi Dov Linzer, a Modern Orthodox rabbi, has written largely about another halakhic compromise: calling both men and women up to the huppah in pairs for a Sheva Brachot honor, with the man reciting the blessing in Hebrew and the woman reading an English translation. Rabbi Linzer also notes that in terms of halakhah, the reciting of the Sheva Brachot after the meal at the wedding celebration is the obligation of the community, rather than the groom himself, and so since women are part of the community, they may participate in sharing those honors in Hebrew.

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My reply–“Sometimes. Can you tell me a little about your situation?”–elicits a sigh of relief, followed by a torrent of information, feelings, and concerns. Once we’ve worked through the preliminaries on the phone–the rabbi will be the only officiant; I don’t do weddings on Shabbat; and yes, that includes Saturday at 7:30 in June; the date and place are viable for me–we schedule an appointment so that I can meet face-to-face with both partners and talk.

Does This Relationship Support a Jewish Future?

We meet and have an excellent conversation. After an hour or so of careful questions and answers, and if it becomes clear to me that this is a relationship that will support a Jewish future, one I can say a blessing over, I will agree to do the wedding. Just as we’re finishing up, that anxious tone reappears in one of their voices: “Do you mind if I ask you one more question?”

“Not at all.”

“We’ve been turned down by a dozen rabbis all over the state. How come you’re willing to do interfaith marriages and they’re not?”

It’s a fair question, one I’ve been asked repeatedly over 28 years as a rabbi. Why do I officiate when so many of my colleagues do not? The answer comes in two parts. The first question is, Can I officiate at such a marriage? Only if that question is answered in the positive, does the second question arise, should I?

Rabbi’s Relationship to Jewish Law Is Determinative

Whether a rabbi feels that he or she can officiate has to do with halakhah (traditional Jewish law) and the rabbi’s relationship to it. Halakhah simply does not recognize the possibility of marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew; there is no such category in Jewish law. You could line up 70 rabbis, perform all the required actions, and pronounce all the required words, and it would still not be a marriage, within the rules of this system. The couple is simply not eligible to marry each other.

Obviously, if one accepts the halakhic definitions, the conversation stops right there. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis, who hold halakhah to be binding, can’t officiate. Reform and Reconstructionist rabbis have a more liberal approach to Jewish law, but that does not automatically mean that they believe they can officiate, either. Some would say that a rabbi’s authority to officiate at a marriage assumes a Jewish marriage and, following the traditional definition, a Jewish marriage requires two Jews. If so, again, the conversation is over.

Others of us, however, would say that our mandate as rabbis in the contemporary world involves serving the needs of Jews and Jewish life in some ways that the tradition never envisaged. If so, then officiation at a marriage where only one partner is a Jew can become possible.

It Can Be a Mitzvah to Officiate

But even if one can, should one officiate? I believe–and this language will drive some of my more traditional colleagues crazy–that it is a mitzvah, a religiously mandated act, to do so under the proper circumstances. I base this position on several premises. The first is that a deeply rooted, mutually nurturing love relationship is a gift of God, deserving of acknowledgment and blessing. The second is that all marriages are mixed marriages.

Any two human beings who pair up will have some areas in which they are a perfect fit and others where, having grown up in different circumstances–whether economic, political, cultural, interpersonal, geographical, or religious–their assumptions and internal maps will differ in ways that challenge them to find common approaches with which both partners can live.

Any viable relationship must look these differences in the face and figure out how to deal constructively with them. I see this as a major agenda in premarital counseling. Religion, you will have noted, is simply one of these areas, and one which, like the others, can usually be addressed in ways that will strengthen the relationship. When a couple approaches a rabbi to officiate at their marriage, they are already making a statement about where they think viable common ground can be found. (I exclude here the “we don’t care, and it will keep my mother from having a heart attack” argument, which is not very frequent and which does not, in my view, justify rabbinic officiation.)

Very often in my experience, non-Jewish partners who, for any of a number of very good reasons, do not see themselves converting to Judaism, at least in the foreseeable future, can be very comfortable about supporting the Jewish partner’s religious identity, living in a home that identifies with a welcoming Jewish community, and bringing up Jewish children. Such a couple, in my opinion, represents a positive contribution to the Jewish future, and I am glad to assist them with a ceremony that carries the resonances of Jewish tradition while making those changes in wording that permit it to reflect the couple’s situation with integrity.

Thus, I would not use the traditional formula “according to the laws of Moses and Israel” for such a couple, as traditional Jewish law does not accord with this ceremony. On the other hand, to affirm, as I do, that the commitment is “according to Divine and human law” spreads a more universal and, I believe, accurate umbrella over the proceedings. Nearly three decades of experience have taught me to rejoice in the opportunity to offer blessings over such a relationship and the future it promises.

Reprinted with permission of InterfaithFamily.com.

<!–Rabbi Neil Kominsky is Rabbi of Temple Emanuel of the Merrimack Valley, Lowell, MA, and Jewish Chaplain at Phillips Academy, Andover, Mass. He was educated at Harvard College and the Hebrew Union College-Jewish Institute of Religion in Cincinnati, where he was ordained in 1970.

This article originally appeared in and is reprinted with permission of InterfaithFamily.com. Visit www.InterfaithFamily.com for articles, resources, discussions and more.

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Less familiar to many Jews, however, are the many “updates” of traditional Jewish wedding rituals that have become increasingly popular among brides and grooms. An engaged Jewish couple has many options to choose from as they plan their ceremony, some of which would have been unheard of just 25 to 35 years ago.

At the core of these innovations is the advent of feminism, which has had a tremendous influence on Jewish lifecycle rituals. The wedding is no exception. The traditional notion of a groom “acquiring” his bride (in Hebrew, the kinyan) is particularly antithetical to the ideals of more liberal Jews, who champion an egalitarian mindset. As a result, the last generation of Jewish newlyweds has launched a re-visioning of certain symbols and rituals that reflect this contemporary perspective.

While Orthodox and other traditional Jews generally shun innovations in Jewish rituals, some modern wedding customs–such as adding a clause into the ketubah or adorning the chuppah — are within the bounds of traditional Jewish law and are being adopted by many Orthodox couples as well. Other egalitarian innovations — such as transforming the ketubah into a statement of love and commitment — are not acceptable according to traditional Jewish law and would not be adopted by Orthodox couples.

Ketubah: Legal Document or Statement of Commitment?

A deeper consideration of acquisition is an appropriate place to start our survey of these innovations. The text of the traditional ketubah, which has stayed largely the same for centuries, is entirely legalistic. There is no mention of God, love, or romance. Signed by two witnesses, the contract verifies that the groom has acquired the bride and agrees to provide for her, and includes a lien to be paid by the groom in the case of a divorce. The bride accepts the arrangement.

Since the 1970s, Jewish couples have dealt with these limitations on the woman’s role in a variety of ways. Some maintain the traditional Aramaic ketubah text but add a clause that uses financial incentives to encourage the husband to grant the wife a religious divorce in the event that the marriage ends. These extra words help protect the woman from becoming an agunah (a “chained wife”). This situation results when the husband will not grant the wife a get (a Jewish bill of divorce), thus preventing her from being able to marry again (in accordance with Jewish law).

Other couples also maintain the Aramaic text but choose their own English text that describes the home they want to build together or the nature of the love they share. A number of sample English texts exist on the Internet, for instance. Still other couples do away with the Aramaic entirely. These couples may compose their own ketubot in English and Hebrew in accordance with the values they want to govern their marriage.

Multiple options also exist for those couples who choose not to follow the traditional requirement that witnesses be Jewish men. Some couples ask four witnesses — two men and two women, rather than the traditionally required two men — to sign, while others take a fully egalitarian attitude toward witnesses, asking two women or a woman and a man to sign. Some couples ask all present at the ceremony to sign the ketubah, either under or on all sides of the text.

Today’s ketubot also differ from those of [immediately] past generations in regard to their artistry. Many modern-day couples choose their ketubot from “galleries,” both real and virtual. Some design their own ketubot with treasured symbols, or commission a Jewish artist to do it for them. Far from a piece of paper kept in a drawer for safekeeping, today’s ketubot are typically adorned, framed, and prominently displayed in Jewish homes.

In adding ornamentation to their ketubah, couples today are not so much inventing a new tradition as reviving an old one. Most prominently in the late medieval period in Middle Eastern nations, Jews decorated their ketubot with brilliant illumination.

Most radically, perhaps, some couples have chosen to revise the entire notion of “ketubah” altogether. Instead they engage in a brit ahuvim (covenant of lovers). This agreement allows for each spouse to share in an equal partnership; no suggestion of “acquisition” is made at all. A ceremony of this nature does not use a ketubah or rings in the traditional sense. Instead the couple signs a document describing their commitment to each other. Lesbian, gay, and heterosexual couples have formed britot ahuvim.

Personalizing the Chuppah

The chuppah has taken a variety of forms throughout Jewish history. In the early medieval period, the groom would place a tallit (prayer shawl) or veil over his bride, covering her as a symbol of the marriage’s consummation. But with the use of portable canopies in 16th-century Eastern Europe, the chuppah began to refer more to the tent or structure itself and less to the act of covering the bride.

Since there are no legal requirements specifying the dimensions, shape, or ornamentation of a chuppah, modern-day couples make their own decisions regarding its design, and these too, like the ketubah, reflect personal values and priorities. Some use their synagogues’ chuppot, while others construct their own. Wedding guests often assume a prominent role in chuppah-making in the months prior to the wedding. For instance, a couple might send each of their guests a square of fabric and ask them to create personalized designs on that square. All the squares would be sewn together prior to the wedding to create the chuppah.

Circling Reinterpreted From Egalitarian Perspective

In traditional Jewish weddings, the bride circles the groom three or seven times before she enters the huppah. Though not a part of the liturgy itself, this custom is observed in many communities. The bride’s circle symbolizes her protection of the groom and her shift in commitments: Her top priority is now her husband (while before it was her parents). Until recently, liberal Jews usually chose to omit this ritual from their ceremony since it suggested the bride’s subservience to her groom. Like kinyan, many considered circling antiquated and irrelevant to modern times.

For a good number of couples, this perspective has changed, and circling has made a “reappearance” in some liberal Jewish weddings. One Conservative rabbi in greater Philadelphia has said that about half of the couples he marries choose to include circling in their ceremony. Some brides now view their circles as an active moment in which she defines familial space. Others share the ritual: The bride circles the groom three times, and then the groom circles the bride three times. (This can be adapted for same-sex couples as well.) Finally, the bride and groom circle each other (do-si-do style). These variations reflect “updates” on Jewish tradition that correspond to the couple’s egalitarian values and priorities.

Two Rings, Not One

Jewish tradition calls for the groom to present the bride with an unpierced metal band as a symbol of his promise of marriage to her. When doing so, he must recite the Jewish marriage formula in Hebrew. She must accept it, but is not legally bound to utter any words or do anything other than place it on her finger.

Today, liberal Jews typically choose a more active role for the bride in the ring ceremony. Most commonly, a double-ring ceremony takes place, in which the bride reciprocates the groom’s gesture. She will sometimes repeat the marriage formula as she presents him with a ring, with the gender of the formula adjusted accordingly. Even if the bride does not recite the specific formula, more often than not she makes some active gesture indicating her agreement to marriage.

Many modern couples choose to verbally exchange their vows just before or after the ring ceremony. Although not a part of the traditional Jewish wedding, some couples write their own vows. This practice also is testimony to the large influence of American cultural practice on Jewish wedding rituals.

Breaking the Glass Together

Most of the time, we think of glass breaking as an act the groom does at the end of the wedding ceremony. At that moment all those invited shout “Mazal tov!” [good luck] and get ready for the reception. Now, some couples share this act, with the two partners breaking the glass together.

The Wedding Program

Guests who have attended a number of Jewish weddings in the recent past likely have received at least a few “wedding programs,” which welcome them and explain some of the rituals. As new as it seems, this practice bears a distinct relationship to the traditional custom of handing out benschers (benshen is the Yiddish word for “praying,” and the “benscher” refers to the booklet containing Birkat HaMazon, or Grace after Meals). Today’s wedding programs vary greatly from couple to couple, and serve a variety of purposes. Generally, they are meant to orient the guests to the mood of the simcha.

Much of the information for this article came from Anita Diamant’s 2001 edition of The New Jewish Wedding.

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Some couples have revived a betrothal ceremony, called tenaim, where the engagement is announced, a document of commitment read aloud, and a piece of crockery shattered. The original tenaim, announced when two families had agreed on a match between their children, is still celebrated today by some traditional Jews.

On the Sabbath preceding the wedding, the groom has (and in liberal congregations, the bride and groom both have) an aufruf (in Yiddish, “calling up”) in which he (and/or she) recites blessings over the Torah reading and is showered with candy.

Traditionally, a bride takes her first trip to the mikveh (ritual bath) the day before the wedding, the first of monthly visits that will extend as long as she menstruates. Mikveh signifies that a woman and her husband are again allowed sexual contact, seven days after her menstrual flow ends. This mikveh immersion signifies rebirth and reflects the upcoming change in personal status.

A traditional Jewish wedding begins with separate receptions for the groom and the bride. The groom presides over a tish (literally, “table”), around which the guests sing and make toasts, and the groom delivers a scholarly talk. The ketubah, or marriage contract, is traditionally signed at the tish before two witnesses, and the groom accepts the obligations by a legal consent process called kinyan. In the liberal movements weddings begin with a ketubah signing that includes both bride and groom.

All traditional couples and many liberal ones choose to do the bedeken ceremony in which the groom covers the bride’s face with a veil. Reasons for veiling range from emulation of the matriarchs, who veiled themselves, to bridal modesty, to the groom performing his obligation to clothe his wife.

For the processional the groom may don a white garment called a kittel, a simple cotton robe that is also worn on Yom Kippur and as a shroud at death, alluding to the seriousness of the day. Some grooms wear a tallit (prayer shawl) instead.

The marriage ceremony is conducted under a chuppah (marriage canopy), which symbolizes the new home that the bride and groom are creating together. In a traditional wedding the bride circles the groom, but in modern weddings both may circle each other or the custom may be dropped altogether.

The Jewish wedding ceremony combines two formerly separate ceremonies: erusin (betrothal) and nissuin (marriage). In traditional communities erusin is still observed separately.

The betrothal involves two blessings, one over wine and the other reserving the couple for each other and forbidding them to have relationships with anyone else. This blessing reflects an earlier practice in which the bride and groom did not consummate their marriage until about a year after the formal betrothal, when the bride moved into the groom’s home.

Next the groom performs the act that formalizes the marriage: He places the ring on the bride’s index finger and recites in Hebrew, “Behold, by this ring you are consecrated to me as my wife according to the laws of Moses and Israel.” In liberal ceremonies the wife may also present a ring, usually accompanied by a biblical phrase rather than the legal formula, although in many cases, the bride will recite a modified legal formula.

The reading of the ketubah serves as a divider between the betrothal and marriage ceremonies.

The nissuin ceremony involves the recitation of seven blessings, called the sheva berakhot, whose themes include creation of the world and human beings, survival of the Jewish people, the couple’s joy, and the raising of a family. The rabbi raises a cup of wine from which the bride and groom drink after the blessings.

The rabbi or other guests may then address the couple, or this may happen at other points during the ceremony. The ceremony ends when the groom (or in some liberal ceremonies, both bride and groom) shatters a glass. Reasons cited for this custom are to quiet boisterous guests, to remind Jews of the Temple‘s destruction, and to allude to sexual consummation of the marriage.

The bride and groom then go to a yihud (seclusion) room, where they spend some time alone and eat a small snack together to break the pre-wedding fast.

The wedding feast that follows is a seudat mitzvah, a commanded meal–accompanied by good food, dancing, and singing–where it is a mitzvah (commandment) to help the couple rejoice.

After the feast, the grace after meals is recited over one cup of wine, and the seven blessings over another. The two cups of wine are poured into a third, from which bride and groom drink.

In the week following the wedding, bride and groom traditionally feast at the homes of friends and relatives, repeating the sheva berakhot after each meal.

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Traditionally, the ketubah has been written in Aramaic, with specific language outlining the groom’s financial obligations to the bride, and is then signed, in the groom’s presence, by two male witnesses. While different versions of Jewish wedding contracts date back to biblical times, the ketubah text was codified in the first century CE, and an entire book, or tractate, of the Talmud — Ketubot (the plural of ketubah)— describes its purpose and requirements.

In Israel today, the ketubah, whose name derives from the Aramaic and Hebrew root “katav,” which means “to write,” is binding under civil, as well as religious, law. Elsewhere, the ketubah is binding only under religious law and must be accompanied by civil wedding documents.

While many traditionally observant Jews continue to use the ketubah’s original text, many liberal Jews have adapted the text to make it more gender-inclusive or address other concerns. Although many contemporary Jews regard the ketubah as a sexist document, numerous scholars have argued that it was initially designed to protect women from being abandoned by their husbands or forced to divorce against their will.

Today a wide variety of ketubah texts can be found, with many focusing less on legalities than on the couple’s love for one another and hopes for their shared future. Some have been adapted specifically for same-sex couples, while others are adapted for interfaith couples.

Some couples choose to compose their own ketubah text. While some modern ketubahs are written in Aramaic, others are in Hebrew, English, or other languages. When featuring Aramaic or Hebrew text, the ketubah often also includes a side-by-side translation into English or whatever language is spoken by the couple.

Today many ketubahs are signed by both partners, and at least two witnesses regardless of gender.

Whether traditional or modern, the ketubah is often a beautiful piece of Judaica that the couple frames and then displays in their home after the wedding. Some are custom-made with hand-lettered calligraphy and art, whereas others are purchased pre-made, with spaces for the partners to fill in their names, the date and the wedding’s location.

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