Or infertility might begin, as all life begins, with a little something, when wombs and dreams and hope begin to grow. And then suddenly they stop. This too happens before others (besides the parents) even know there was a something. To say “I had a miscarriage” is to jumble together the celebration of life and the tragedy of death in one word, one breath.

Jewish tradition is no stranger to infertility. All our matriarchs except Rebecca suffered from an inability to conceive, and Rebecca seems to have struggled through her pregnancy. Yet despite the frequency of this physical and spiritual pain, it is only recently that we have begun to craft liturgical responses to this sad commonplace of life.

And since infertility is not a single moment but experienced over days and weeks and months and perhaps even years, we need a whole litany of prayers to respond to the various stages and cycles of hope, waiting, anxiety, loss, hope, procedures, waiting, anxiety.

Below is a selection of contemporary prayers for seeking a child, mourning the loss of a pregnancy, and a prayer of hope to be said prior to undergoing a procedure (based on the traditional blessing celebrating the intricacies of a fully-functioning body). They may be recited as is, adapted or used as inspiration to create personal prayers.

A prayer for pregnancy

Dear God, and God of our ancestors, You have blessed untold loving couples across time, providing each with children in a tumble of generations. May it be your will that we join their lot tonight. Make tonight a night of joy and tenderness, a night in which my beloved and I conceive a child. Hold us close in your embrace, God, just as we hold each other tightly. Remember us as you remembered Sarah. Care for us as you cared for Rebecca. Tend to us as you tended to our mothers, Leah and Rachel.

You alone hold the key to the womb. Open our chambers of life. Choose from your sacred treasury of souls, and send us a child who is wise and caring, healthy and whole. With your help, may our family grow through the years, and through your kindness may we be a blessing to all who know us.

May the words of our mouths and the desires of our hearts please You, our Strength and our Deliverer.

Prayer for a couple on first trimester loss

Light a fragrant candle and recite:

Here we are, the two of us together. The two of us alone. We counted the days and measured the weeks that our child grew within. But we count no more. Our eyes longed to see the birth of our child, our arms yearned to cradle our new little one. Our mouths longed to sing soft lullabies of love. But now our child, our dreams, are no more. Sing us a lullaby, God, to fill our silence. Sing us a lullaby to soothe our fears, comfort our sadness and make the darkness go away. Source of healing and light, sing us a lullaby and help us to find healing in your embrace and among those who love and care for us. And when the time is right, help us dare to choose life again. Blessed are you God, whose compassion continually renews us.

Prayer for hope after suffering loss

Dear God, you made the world overflow with water, with streams and rivers that nourish the earth, pools and ponds that teem with life. But not me. I am like a wadi; I fill up and empty to no purpose. Nothing is held by me, nothing nourished. That is not the way it should be. It is you God who causes the day to break, assigning dawn its place in the east. It is you, God, who sets the world on its course, guiding its paths as it glides through the heavens. It is you, God, who closed the sea behind doors when it burst forth from its womb, swaddling the new waters in dense clouds (Job 38). You know the joy of birth. Share a bit of that joy with me, God. Hear my prayers and heal my broken heart. Send me a child so I may rejoice in them as mothers have rejoiced throughout the generations.

Prayer to be said prior to a procedure to aid fertility

God, creator of all, you wisely formed the human body. You created it with openings upon openings and vessels upon vessels. You know well that should even one of these open when it should remain closed, or close when it should remain open, we could not long survive. God of life with the key to the womb, guide the ways of my openings and closings so that they receive and hold and then safely release a child. Blessed are you God, healer of all flesh, who guides the wonders of creation.

Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin is a graduate of the Jewish Theological Seminary and the founding associate director of the National Center for Jewish Healing. These prayers are adapted from the 2007 edition of her book “Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope,” published by Jewish Lights.

The post How to Pray Through Infertility appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

When does a brit milah occur?

Traditionally, the brit milah takes place on the baby’s eighth day of life, even if it falls on Shabbat or a Jewish holiday. However, if medical problems interfere, the bris is postponed until the baby is deemed healthy enough. In this case, the bris is scheduled for a time not on Shabbat or a holiday. Our partner site Kveller has more about bris timing here.

Where does a brit milah occur?

There are no rules governing the location, but traditionally Jews hold it in a synagogue during the morning services. However, the bris is often held at the home of the baby’s parents or grandparents.

Who performs this ritual?

A mohel — usually pronounced so it rhymes with boil — is the man or woman who performs the circumcision. (A female mohel is called a mohelet ; Orthodox Jews do not permit women to serve in this role.) Some mohels work full time in this profession, but many are also physicians, rabbis, cantors or nurse-midwives. A mohel is trained in the Jewish laws concerning circumcision, as well as in modern surgical hygiene.

Kveller has articles on what to look for in a mohel and how to find a mohel in your area.

What exactly happens at a brit milah?

Someone, often the baby’s godmother or godfather, carries the baby into the room and hands him to the sandek, the person who holds the baby during the circumcision. The sandek is often a grandparent. Before circumcising the baby, the mohel recites the blessing:

Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast sanctified us with Thy command­ments, and hast given us the command con­cerning circumcision.

As soon as the mohel begins the circumcision the father (or, in some cases, both parents) recites:

Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast sanctified us with Thy commandments, and hast commanded us to make our sons enter the covenant of Abraham our father.

All present then respond: “Even as this child has entered into the covenant, so may he enter into the Torah, the nuptial canopy, and into good deeds.” Sefaria has the Hebrew text of all the circumcision blessings.

The mohel then takes a cup of wine and recites over it a prayer for the infant in which the mohel gives the infant his Hebrew name. A drop or two of the wine is placed in the infant’s mouth and, traditionally, the father drinks some of the wine and saves the rest for the mother. Historically, the mother was not in the room for the circumcision; today, many mothers opt to witness the entire ceremony.

Many brit milah ceremonies include other readings and blessings as well, and parents often speak about the reason they chose the boy’s Hebrew name. The ceremony is generally followed by a festive meal, and special prayers are recited in the grace after meals, blessing the parents, the infant, the mohel and the sandek.

Are there other traditions for the bris?

Yes, there are many bris customs, including the Shalom Zakhar, a festive meal the Friday night before the bris, having a minyan (a quorum of 10 adult Jews) present and setting aside a chair for the prophet Elijah.

Is there an equivalent ceremony for girls?

There is no physical procedure comparable to circumcision. However, a parallel ceremony for girls (often called a simchat bat, “celebration of a daughter,” or brit banot, “daughters’ covenant”) is a contemporary development with historical and cultural predecessors, inspired by Jewish feminism, and practiced in most liberal and some traditional communities. Families and communities have also acknowledged and celebrated the arrival of baby girls in many other ways throughout Jewish history, and in different Jewish traditions throughout the world, with a variety of home and synagogue rituals of celebration and naming.

I heard that mohels sometimes orally suction the blood from the baby’s penis. Is that true?

Yes, this practice is called metzitzah b’peh, and it happens only in some segments of the ultra-Orthodox community, where many believe the Talmud requires that the circumcision wound be cleaned through oral suction. (Others say the Talmud’s mention of this practice was a recommendation based on limited medical information available at the time.) This uncommon practice has been linked to transmission of herpes and other illnesses; some mohels continue to use oral suction, but use a sterilized tube so that their mouth will not come into direct contact with the baby. Many others consider the use of gauze as an adequate means for the Talmud’s suction requirement.

Is the bris painful for the baby?

There are different opinions on this issue: Some people are convinced the procedure is very painful, whereas others insist that any pain is brief and minimal. Some mohels take steps to reduce the pain either by giving anesthesia or using a shield that functions like a clamp. Mohels who do not use anesthetic often give the baby sugar water or wine as a mild form of sedation. It’s important after the bris to keep the wound clean, in order to avoid infection or other complications. Learn more about post-circumision care here.

What kind of food is served at a bris?

The only requirement is that the meal include wine or grape juice, so a Kiddush can be recited, and bread, so that the Hamotzi can be recited. Bagels and lox are popular choices, and there are numerous Ashkenazi and Sephardic customary foods that are symbolic or are meant to bring good luck.

Do I need to bring a gift to a bris?

Gifts for the baby, such as clothing or a toy, are not required, but are often welcome.

Help! I’m planning a brit milah. What do I need to know?

We recommend you read the following articles on our partner site, Kveller. (And you’ll want to bookmark it for regular use, now that you’re a parent!)
Everything You Need To Know About Planning A Bris
Do’s and Don’ts for Your Son’s Bris
Bris Tips for Moms
What Should My Baby Wear To His Bris?
Who Should I Invite to a Bris?
What Food Should I Serve at a Bris?

Do all Jewish boys have a brit milah?

No, some parents opt to have their son circumcised in the hospital or to have the procedure done privately, with only close family present. In addition, a small but growing number of Jewish parents object to circumcision itself and are skipping the procedure altogether.

Exactly where in the Bible does God command Abraham to circumcise himself?

This happens in Genesis 17:10-14, which is in Parashat Lech Lecha, the third portion in the annual Torah-reading cycle. Find which other sacred texts discuss circumcision.

The post The Brit Milah (Bris): What You Need to Know appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

For more on Jewish parenting and pregnancy, visit our partner site Kveller.

First I set out to find Jewish sources about how to have a traditional pregnancy and birth experience. This seemed appropriate, since I had a fairly traditional Jewish wedding, and as an adult I have enjoyed discovering Jewish prayers, blessings, and rituals that can punctuate my daily life.

So I felt rather disappointed — well, actually, kind of cheated — when I found almost nothing in our tradition to guide an expecting mother. I discovered that those Talmudic rabbis who discussed, debated, and opined about what part of the field to harvest first, and when a woman was ritually pure enough to have sex with her husband, had very little to say about how to carry a child for nine months.

Perhaps this is because the sages were never pregnant. As Sandy Falk and Rabbi Daniel Judson write in The Jewish Pregnancy Book ( 2004): “the Talmudic Rabbis, who formulated the basis of traditional Jewish prayer, ritual and law, were men, so they never experienced pregnancy. As a result, there are a dearth of prayers, rituals and blessings that Judaism has for pregnancy and delivery.”

The challenge, therefore, was my own. In the ultimate creative time, as I nurtured the growth and completion of another being, I also had the opportunity to be creative with Jewish practice.

Personal Practices

Over the centuries, Jewish women like me have whipped up a wonderful buffet of pregnancy observances, many uniquely created for and by individuals. Going to the mikveh, chanting psalms, reading poems, lighting candles and gathering friends together to share stories of birth and motherhood are some of the ways that women have sought to amplify the spiritual experience of pregnancy.

For me, a modern translation of Psalm 118 formed the basis for my personal pregnancy ritual. I regularly recited these words, liberally translated by a friend: “Open up the gates of justice, sing a song to life, give tzedakah (do good works, be generous) and walk the path of freedom.” This helped me focus on the work of “opening up” and creating space for new life throughout pregnancy.

I also found that giving tzedakah helped me stay grounded and grateful for my healthy pregnancy. Prior to conception, I had donated blood, and as my waistband expanded, I researched and donated money to organizations promoting maternal and neonatal health around the world.

Superstitious Traditions

Like a lot of couples, my husband and I felt conflicted about when to let our friends and family know our good news. I was so overjoyed that I couldn’t wait to tell, and even considered updating my Facebook status immediately, but my husband wanted to wait 40 days before telling our family and friends. Why that long? The Talmud states that at 40 days after conception, the embryo finally forms into a fetus (Niddah 30a). Whether or not the fetus receives its soul at this point was debated in the Talmud and the Mishnah, but having the 40-day guideline worked for us.

When we did finally announce the pregnancy, we noticed that we didn’t receive the joyous response of “mazel tov!” that we anticipated from Jewish friends. Rather, we heard people say, time after time, “b’sha-ah tova!” This literally means “in a good hour,” and expresses the impermanence of pregnancy and the potential for loss — in other words, “May your child be born at the right time.” It did seem a bit superstitious to me, but many of the Jewish traditions surrounding pregnancy seem to come from an impulse to protect the parents from disappointment and grief should there be a birth complication or miscarriage.

I was told that many Jews don’t throw baby showers or buy the baby’s clothing or furniture before birth. Not feeling particularly anxious, but also not wanting to go against custom (you never know!), I decided to collect just a small box of baby items and wait until I was nearly due before getting fully equipped.

As we prepared for our transition to parenthood, my husband and I helped one another memorize the priestly blessing, which has became the traditional blessing for parents to give their children: “May God bless you and keep you; May God make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; May God lift up His countenance and give you peace.” We chanted it over my bulging belly so that our baby would feel comforted by it when she heard it again on her first Shabbat.

Baby Blinders

During these nine months, I felt like I was wearing pregnancy-colored glasses. Hyper-alert to other expecting mothers, and super-attuned to any babies nearby, I was always seeking out allies in my journey to motherhood. As I observed Jewish holidays, I found myself re-interpreting biblical stories to fit my particular viewpoint.

With new appreciation, I relished the part of the Passover seder that describes when Pharaoh ordered the firstborn Hebrew babies killed. My new feminist heroines, the midwives Shifra and Puah, valiantly defied Pharaoh by helping to deliver and protect Hebrew children (who, encouragingly, came out very fast because of the innate strength of Hebrew women). I resolved to imagine Shifra and Puah on my right and left side during labor.

I also couldn’t help reframing the Exodus as the “birthing” of the Jewish people, who passed from the constricted, difficult Egypt through the birth canal of the Sea of Reeds and landed in the vast expanse before the Promised Land. I was hoping that I could bring that vision of the Red Sea to my labor and imagine my baby passing through easily, following Moses into the world.

Of course, some biblical stories were not as affirming to this pre-mama. I was reluctant to revisit the Genesis story that blames the pain of labor on Eve’s transgression in the garden of Eden. After the serpent entices her to eat the forbidden fruit, God says to her, “I will make most severe your pangs in childbirth; in pain you shall bear children” (Gen 3:16). What punishment! I decided to reject this passage and instead honor my birth as a huge gift and not a primordial payback.

I knew it wouldn’t be a comfortable experience, but I wanted to see the pain instead as an invitation to connect back through the ancestral line of mothers that started with our matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah, each of whom experienced this miracle of birth in her own, creative way.

The post Creating the Jewish Pregnancy appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Things have changed since then. Circumcision is probably the best-known indication of Jewishness in a male (if not the most immediately visible!). It is also the oldest and one of the most widely followed of Jewish ritual practices. Abraham circumcised himself and his sons, Isaac and Ishmael; Zipporah circumcised Gershom, her first-born son. At first, like those estimable forebears, fathers and, apparently, occasionally mothers would circumcise their own sons, with a stone knife, usually of flint.

READ: America’s Top Mohels

Through all the upheaval of conquering Canaan, building the Temple, being sent into exile in Babylon, and returning and rebuilding the Temple, the Jews still practiced circumcision. Gradually, it became the province of specially trained men, the mohelim, who were learned in the ritual elements surrounding the procedure (and probably no more ignorant of medicine than the average physician of the period). By the period of the Second Temple, they were using iron knives, and reciting the blessings that are still used today. Initially the brit was a family celebration, but with time it became a festivity that would involve the entire community. By the Middle Ages, the brit milah was usually performed in the synagogue, with the entire congregation active participants in the festivities.

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

Today, the mohel is considerably better trained than his historical antecedents. Or hers, as the case may be, as the non-Orthodox movements now certify women physicians for the role of mohelet (the female form of mohel). Historically, there were women who acted as circumcisers in medieval Italy and perhaps at other times in history. Today, there are mohalot (plural of mohelet) in the Reform and Conservative movements.

READ: How to Care for Your Newly Circumcised Baby

A mohel (or mohelet) is still trained in the ritual of circumcision according to the rules prescribed in classical rabbinic texts and subsequent law codes from the medieval period. However, today’s mohel will also have been educated in modern surgical hygiene. The Reform movement in particular has taken an active interest in certifying mohelim who are doctors: They undergo training in the theology, history, and liturgy of the brit milah. A increasing number of Orthodox mohelim are also physicians.

Today’s mohel will examine the baby to certify that he is healthy enough to undergo the procedure (unless a doctor has decided he cannot). If he is not, it must be postponed to a later date. As usual in matters of physical health, Judaism takes a cautious approach, and mohelim are generally more strict on this issue than doctors.

READ: Find A Mohel in Your Area

A brit milah always takes place during the day, usually in the morning, in the home or synagogue. The mohel will lead the ceremony, which is brief. It is preferable to have a minyan (a quorum of ten) present, but not essential; a brit can be performed by the mohel with no one but the father present.

The procedure itself is very brief. The mohel uses a magen or shield to protect the glans and guide the knife. He may use a silver probe to loosen the foreskin before beginning. There are three phases to the procedure: me’ilah, the actual removal of the foreskin; p’riah, the tearing of the genital membrane underneath the foreskin back to the corona; and m’tzitzah–suction–the removal of blood and cleaning of the affected area. In ancient tradition, the mohel would actually suck the blood away; this was believed to have a disinfectant effect. By the 19th century, with the advent of the germ theory of illness, Jews realized that it actually had the opposite effect. Today, a mohel will probably utilize a glass tube and a cotton swab. The mohel will put a sterile bandage on the incision and then the boy is dressed.

In Jewish law it is still technically the responsibility of a father to circumcise his own sons. The mohel is merely his agent in this procedure.

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

The post What Is A Mohel? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

History and Development

The practice of circumcising baby boys (brit milah, or “the covenant of circumcision”) has its roots in Abraham’s circumcising the male members of his household, as recorded in the biblical Book of Genesis. It is a deep and persistent symbol of covenant and continuity for the Jewish people.

A parallel ceremony for girls (often called a simchat bat, “celebration of a daughter,” or brit banot, “daughters’ covenant”) is a contemporary development with historical and cultural predecessors, inspired by Jewish feminism, and practiced in most liberal and some traditional communities. Families and communities have also acknowledged and celebrated the arrival of babies in many other ways throughout Jewish history, and in different Jewish traditions throughout the world, with a variety of home and synagogue rituals of celebration and naming.

Liturgy, Ritual, and Custom

For boys, the ceremony for brit milah (also known as a “bris”) traditionally takes place on the eighth day of life, and includes words of blessing, the circumcision itself, and the giving of a name. Traditionally the responsibility of the baby’s father, the act of circumcision is usually performed (according to prescribed custom) by a mohel, an individual trained in the practice and its rituals. For many girls, the much newer simchat bat or brit banot (frequently referred to in English as a “baby naming”) can take place on a variety of days. It often follows a similar structure as the brit milah, with one of several covenantal or welcoming acts (e.g., candlelighting, footwashing, or being wrapped in a tallit [prayer shawl]) as the ritual centerpiece. Some families follow the simpler and longer-standing custom of having their new daughter receive her Hebrew or Yiddish name during a synagogue Torah-reading service, rather than holding a freestanding simchat bat.

Just as the longstanding tradition of brit milah for boys inspired the creation of parallel ceremonies for girls, the creative approach to tradition that has marked simchat bat ceremonies has in many cases shaped the way that brit milah is celebrated, for example, with fuller involvement of the mother, and an emphasis on themes equally applicable to girls and boys.

In Practice

A ceremony and celebration for a Jewish baby is often planned in a hurry after the baby is born. Fortunately, there are many resources available to parents and families to help with the planning a brit milah or a simchat bat. Those attending such an event have a special role to play as family and community members. Enjoying the festive meal (or seudah) is considered a sacred obligation. Families may mark the occasion with a tzedakah (charity) donation or other social action project, or continue the ancient custom of planting a tree in honor of each child.

Pidyon HaBen

Jewish tradition mandates a ceremony in which first-born Jewish males (those who are the first to “open the womb” of their mother) are “redeemed” from the service of the ancient priests. It is usually a small, private ceremony in which someone who is believed to be a descendant from the priestly class (a cohen) symbolically releases the child back to his parents. It is mainly practiced today by traditionally observant Jews.

Issues

The encounter between tradition and modernity, and between different Jewish customs, raises interesting questions about ceremonies of welcoming, naming, and covenant. What are the connections and differences between ceremonies for girls and those for boys? Is there a move toward standardization or diversity in ceremonies for girls? And what happens when Jewish tradition collides with contemporary debates about the morality and effects of circumcision? Finally with a large percentage of Jews marrying non-Jews, some couples debate what faith tradition to raise their child, and if both, then how are newborn ceremonies reflecting those decisions?

For more Jewish parenting help, visit our partner site Kveller.

The post Jewish Newborn Ceremonies 101 appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The Big Picture

The first thing to do is to sit down with your spouse, partner, or other close family member or friend, and get a general picture of what you want. Is your goal a big party or something more intimate? Is your home the place you want to have your daughter’s ceremony, or a synagogue? Do you have a rabbi or knowledgeable friend in mind to lead it, or is that something you want to do yourselves?

Do you have older children who you’d like to involve, and what would you like them to do? Having them give a meaningful Jewish gift to their new sister–like a tzedakah box– is always a sweet moment, especially if it’s something that they can make themselves, with your assistance, at a paint-your-own pottery place or even out of arts and crafts materials.

What and When?

Of course, the two central questions you need to answer are what you want to call it, and when you want to have it.

There are lots of different possibilities for names for this event. Simchat bat, which means “Rejoicing in a Daughter” or “celebration for a daughter,” is the most popular and general term for such a ceremony. If you are focusing on the covenantal aspects of the ritual, you may want to call it a brit bat, or “daughter’s covenant.” As the Sephardim do, you can call it a “zeved habat,” or “gift of a daughter.” Other choices include chag hachnasat la-brit, or “celebration of bringing [her] into the covenant,” and brit banot yisrael, “covenant of the daughters of Israel.” (Then again, you can simply call it a Day of Blessings and Celebrations, or a baby naming, in English.)

The next thing to consider is timing. Unless the baby is ill, a boy’s brit milah is held on the eighth day of his life, even if it falls on Shabbat or Yom Kippur. For girls, the choices are open-ended. If you wish to parallel the timing of a brit milah (and are either very organized or already prepared for the birth of a daughter!), you can choose to schedule this event on the eighth day of her life.

But don’t feel pressured; you can have it after 14 days (in the Torah, a mother’s ritual impurity after a daughter’s birth lasted two weeks); when she is a month old (echoing the ancient belief that a child was only viable after 30 days); or after 80 days, the length of time that the Torah tells us a woman had to wait after birthing a girl to bring the sacrifices to the Temple.

Having it on at the beginning of a new Jewish month has a nice tie to the Jewish calendar and a particularly female association, since Rosh Chodesh (the first day of the month) is traditionally a minor holiday set aside for the enjoyment of women (and observed by many contemporary feminists). Or, like many families, you can wait until the first convenient Shabbat (which has its own covenantal meaning) to hold her welcoming ceremony, or even a Sunday, ensuring that your extended family and community members (including those who are traditionally observant and do not drive on the Sabbath) will be able to join you.

Set Up

Once you’ve decided when and where to have it, you need to set it up. If it’s at synagogue, the ritual will likely be in the sanctuary with a catered reception held in the social hall. If it’s at home, you’ll probably want to use your living room and then move to the dining room where you can set up a buffet of lox and bagels, deli, foods reflecting your family’s culture(s), or whatever food is easy to pull together. It’s always nice to have a real birth-day cake for the baby, too. Ask friends or relatives to pitch in with the set up on the big day.

If you’re having it at home, clear out the living room to make room for your guests, with a staging area at the front. Most people will stand during the ceremony itself, but remember to arrange plenty of seating, especially for older folks, and for others during the meal

The Ceremony Itself

Next comes consideration of the heart of the brit bat: the ceremony itself, usually including a central ritual. It’s time to think about the content. Do you want your ceremony to be focused on the meaning of this girl’s arrival in your particular family, or more oriented toward her role as another link in the chain of Jewish history and peoplehood? Do you want her ceremony to feel traditional or modern? How comfortable are you with innovative rituals? Or, do you prefer to stick to prayers and blessings which have long ties to Jewish tradition?

Good resources to help you figure out the answers to those questions include:

1. Other articles on this website, on our partner site Kveller and at www.ritualwell.org
2. Books like Celebrating Your New Jewish Daughter: Creating Jewish Ways to Welcome Baby Girls into the Covenant and The New Jewish Baby Book,
3. Your rabbi if you have one. In addition, if you are in a large and/or active Jewish community, people you know may have files of other people’s ceremonies, including a wide selection of prayers, readings, and rituals.

Things

If you plan to utilize Jewish ritual objects as part of the ceremony, be sure to assemble them before the big day. If you want to wrap the baby in a tallit (a prayer shawl), for example (to symbolize the embrace of the covenant, her family, and community) you may only need to take it out of a drawer or borrow it from a relative. If you want to have a wedding canopy suspended over your family during part of the ceremony, you’ll have to dig yours out of storage, borrow one from a synagogue, or use a tallit.

If you’ll be lighting candles, you’ll need to them on hand along with candleholders and matches. You should also have ready challah, a challah cover and knife, and, if you plan to have a blessing over wine as part of your ceremony, a ritual goblet for wine or grape juice.

You’ll want to have something special for your baby daughter to wear, and, if holding it at home, supplies in order to festoon the place with flowers, crepe paper, and other festive decorations. It’s great to involve your new daughter’s siblings and cousins in that part of the planning; get them to paint or draw signs of welcome that you can hang up.

A Program

One of the most important things to have ready is a program guide for your daughter’s welcoming ceremony. Distributing a printed program to your guests isn’t necessary, but it does help everyone follow along and makes a wonderful keepsake to share with your daughter later in her life. It’s also nice to send a copy to loved ones who can’t make it to  ceremony

The program need not be fancy, and can be something that you type up on a computer and have reproduced at a copy shop. If your computer can’t handle Hebrew, you can input the English text and leave space for the Hebrew on each page. Then you can either cut and paste the Hebrew prayers and text from a prayerbook, one of the books cited above, or other sources, or write it in by hand.

A brief list of the central cast of participants at the front of the program guide can be useful. It’s a nice thought to including photocopied pictures of the people for whom your daughter is being named.. Another meaningful element some families choose to include is a family tree, either composed by hand or on a computer, showing your daughter’s roots.

On the cover, include your daughter’s name (if you’re comfortable revealing it before the ceremony–some people follow the tradition of not “pre-releasing” this information), the title you’re giving to her welcoming ceremony, the date, and the city. Include Hebrew, if you can, and a decorative motif–perhaps from your daughter’s baby announcement.

Don’t worry about making it look like a professionally created document. Part of the charm and individuality of these booklets is their homemade look.

Finally, most parents let somebody else actually run the show–even those who are themselves rabbis, cantors, or ritual experts. Allow yourselves the luxury and joy of being participants and parents, as you would with other lifecycle events.

The post Planning and Celebrating Your Daughter’s Brit Bat appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

–Dana, Washington DC

Answer: I know not everyone loves delayed gratification, but one of my favorite things in life is watching the crowd react to a name at a bris. I love the built-up anticipation that you can feel as everyone waits for the big moment, and I love hearing the parents talk about how they chose the name. It’s just so exciting!

But waiting for eight whole days to announce a baby’s name can be hard on the parents, and on all of the well-wishers. So what gives?

Well first of all, we now have the custom of giving the baby a name at the bris. According to Jewish law the bris has to take place on the eighth day after the boy is born. So that means we give baby boys their names on the eighth day.

But why the secrecy? I asked Cantor Philip Sherman, who has been called “the busiest mohel in New York” why Jews keep baby boy names under wraps until the bris, and he had this to say: “Keeping the name a secret is based on superstition, i.e. not giving the Angel of Death the opportunity to identify the child and kill him before the bris. Two practical reasons for not disclosing the name until the bris are: 1. In case the parents decide on a last minute change, they will not have painted themselves into a corner by announcing the Jewish name in advance and 2. It helps the parents avoid meddling relatives (Read the following in a whiny voice: How come you’re not naming the baby after Uncle Louie?)”

This Angel of Death business might sound a bit scary, but it’s nothing more than a bubbe meise (a superstitious belief). It probably stems from high infant mortality rates that were the norm until quite recently. It wasn’t unusual for a mother or a baby to die shortly after a birth, and so all kinds of superstitious practices arose to try to ward off the risk of death.

In the spirit of egalitarianism, some families have the tradition of waiting until the eighth day to announce girls’ names, too. Other families will announce a girl’s name at the Torah service after her birth. Because the Torah is read on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, these families don’t ever have to wait too long. In any event, there’s no real rule about this. It’s customary (and maybe just a sensible idea) to wait before broadcasting your choice to the world, but it’s not actually an obligation, so if you’re itching to tell, don’t worry about it.

The post Ask the Expert: Secret Name appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Answer: Leora, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble getting pregnant. Infertility is an increasingly prominent problem for Jewish couples, and I hope you’re getting the support you need from your family and friends during these difficult times.

Because more and more people are dealing with the challenges of infertility, there are a hefty amount of responsa and published rabbinic opinions on these matters. Of course, this was not an issue that Jewish authorities had to deal with until quite recently, but amazingly there is some precedent for this issue that goes as far back as the Midrash.

The medieval Targum Yonatan, an Aramaic translation and commentary on the Bible, cites a fascinating — and fascinatingly relevant — account of the conception of Jacob’s children, Joseph and Dinah. According to a Midrash quoted in the Targum, Dinah was originally conceived in Rachel’s womb, and Joseph in Leah’s womb. At some point while Leah and Rachel were pregnant the children inside them swapped places, in order to give Rachel the merit of having a boy. (Targum Yonatan, Genesis 29:22)

This story is often the first source cited in Jewish legal discussions of surrogacy and egg donation. Because Dinah is clearly considered to be a child of Leah, and Joseph a child of Rachel, it must be that the woman who gives birth to a child is considered its mother.

Two other passages from the Talmud seem to support this position (Yevamot 78a, and Yevamot 79b) and commentators Rashi and Maimonides, among many others, assert that birth is the definitive factor in determining who is considered the mother of a child. However, not everyone holds by this view. In particular, Nahmanides associated motherhood with conception, and not birth, and thus would likely have found a child produced from a non-Jewish egg donor to be a non-Jew.

Today, the Reform movement determines who is Jewish based much more on upbringing than on parenting. If a child is raised Jewish and has one Jewish parent, father or mother, the child is considered to be a Jew, and so the issue of a Jewish egg donor is moot.

In 1997, the Conservative Movement’s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards addressed this issue. It concluded that the gestational mother is to be considered the mother of the child in respect to whether the child is Jewish, and in respect to the mitzvot associated with motherhood.

Among Orthodox authorities there is still quite a bit of disagreement about whether motherhood is determined at conception or at birth, but it is more common to find an Orthodox rabbi who will consider the mother who carries the child the halachic mother. Rabbis who require both a Jewish egg donor and a Jewish gestational mother face concerns that a child who results from a Jewish egg donor could unknowingly end up in an adult relationship with its sibling, another serious and complex issue.

Probably the best course of action is to consult with your local rabbi and see what he or she recommends. If your rabbi feels that there are any concerns with using a non-Jewish egg donor then you may want to have your child officially converted as an infant, at which point your child will be the Jewiest kid in the world.

Good luck!

The post Ask the Expert: Egg Donors appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The most famous example in the Bible, of course, is that of the orphaned Queen Esther, who was raised by her cousin Mordecai. The Talmud, however, illuminates –and approves of — more obscure cases as well.

According to the Book of Samuel (2 Samuel 6:23), King David‘s wife Michal never had children–yet later five sons are mentioned. To explain the discrepancy, the Talmud (Sanhedrin 19b) states that Michal’s sister, Merav, actually gave birth to the children, but Michal raised them. The rabbis conclude: “Whoever brings up an orphan in his home is regarded, according to Scripture, as though the child had been born to him.”

Interestingly, though, there was no Hebrew word for adoption until the 20th century, when Israeli lexicographers chose ametz, which comes from the same root as amatz, meaning strength or fortitude.

Trends in Adoption

Jewish Americans, like Americans in general, have various motivations for adopting children. Some couples adopt for altruistic reasons — to give homes to older children or children with disabilities.

Single people, as well as gay and lesbian individuals and couples, are more likely to try to adopt than in the past, as adoption agencies become more open in their policies. But the reason for most contemporary adoptions–Jewish and otherwise–is a married heterosexual couple’s inability to have a child.

About 15 percent of all couples in the United States have some kind of infertility problem — defined as the inability to achieve or sustain pregnancy after one year of well-timed, unprotected sex. Adoption experts assume the infertility rate is higher among Jews, who tend to postpone marriage and childbirth.

Because of the emphasis Jews place on family, their relatively high socioeconomic status (adoption can get expensive), and this presumed higher rate of infertility, Jews are considered a population likely to pursue adoption.

In the 2000 National Jewish Population Study, just over 5 percent of Jewish households with children reported an adopted child residing in the home. According to the U.S. Census Bureau of 2000, the first U.S. Census to include “adopted son/daughter” as a category of relationship to the householder, adopted children make up two and a half percent of all children of all ages. This suggests that the rate of adoption in the Jewish community is about double that of the American population at large.

When Birth Parents are Jewish

Despite the positive Jewish attitudes toward adoption, Judaism’s emphasis on bloodlines and lineage brings a certain ambivalence to the discussion.

When an adopted child is born Jewish, the adoptive parents need to determine the child’s tribal affiliation: Kohen, Levite, or Yisrael. If, for example, a male child is born a Kohen, traditional Jewish law forbids him from marrying a divorcee, even if his adoptive parents are not Kohanim.

Patrilineal descent raises another point of contention. The denominations, of course, disagree about the Jewish legal status of a child whose birth father, but not mother, is Jewish.

When an adopted child has one or two Jewish birth parents, it is important to maintain proof, which can assist the child later in life, if he or she wishes to move to Israel or marry inside the Jewish community. Another serious potential problem in the case of Jewish birth parents is whether the child is — or is suspected to be — a mamzer.

A mamzer is an individual who is the product of an adulterous or incestuous union, and he or she is traditionally not allowed to marry a Jew of “legitimate” birth.

When Birth Parents are Not Jewish

A gentile child adopted by Jews does not automatically become Jewish upon completion of the secular legal process. He or she requires formal conversion to Judaism–with the methods varying by denomination. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis, for example, require tevilah (immersion in a mikveh, or ritual bath) in addition to brit milah (circumcision) for boys.

Since this conversion is performed on a minor, without his or her consent (the halachic terminology is ger katan), at bar or bat mitzvah age the child has the right to either confirm or deny the conversion. The attitude that it is permissible to convert a child without his or her initial knowledge and consent is based on the talmudic principle that “we can act to a person’s benefit without his permission” (Ketubbot, 11a).

Because most cases of adoption involve conversion, the divisive “Who is a Jew?” question is at the heart of the issue. Rabbi Michael Gold, an expert on Jewish family and sexuality issues, points out that the Jewishness of many children adopted by Jewish families continues to be questioned.

It is important to note, however, that racial issues do not–and should not–figure in this conversation. Regardless of social attitudes, if a black, Asian, or Native American child is converted properly, he or she is fully Jewish.

Other Issues in Adoption

Beyond religious considerations, social stigmas about adoption also exist. Some Jews expect other Jews to “look a certain way” or insist that a convert doesn’t have a “Jewish soul.” A further consideration in some Jewish communities is the issue of finding a shidduch (mate) for a person without identifiable yichus (lineage). Other Jews may be concerned that some adoptees will not fully identify with Judaism despite conversion.

Adoptive parents, birth parents who give up their children, and adoptive children face a host of challenges. In particular, the sense that they have been “abandoned” by their birth parents makes some adopted children feel confused about their identities, even if they were converted according to the requirements of their adoptive parents’ denomination.

Jewish family service agencies may offer home studies, support groups for adoptees and adoptive families, lectures, conferences, and other services.

Queen Esther may be the most famous adoptee in Jewish tradition, but she certainly wasn’t the last. And while the role of adoption may be different than it was in ancient times, adoption continues to shape Jewish families, and indeed, the very nature of the Jewish community.

The post Jewish Adoption in America appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

In modern times, circumcision has sparked controversy both within and outside the Jewish community, with some critics viewing it as inhumane to cut the foreskin of a newborn’s penis.

In the 19th century, some leaders of the then-nascent Reform movement, objected to circumcision, with one such leader, Germany’s Abraham Geiger, describing it as a “barbaric, bloody act,” according to Louis Jacobs’ The Jewish Religion: A Companion. However, the movement ultimately embraced the practice.

In the United States, circumcision is common not only among Jews and Muslims, but in the population at large: According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, in 2010 almost 60 percent of newborn boys were circumcised before leaving the hospital. (Jews traditionally perform the circumcision later, on the baby’s eighth day, in a ceremony called a brit milah, or bris.)

Many American parents opt to circumcise their sons because of the perceived health benefits. The American Academy of Pediatrics in 2012 stated that the health benefits outweigh the risks of undergoing circumcision. Circumcision has been linked to lower rates of HIV, penile cancer and urinary tract infections. However, critics of the practice say the benefits are not significant enough to justify the procedure.

Outside the United States, circumcision is less common among those who are not Jewish or Muslim. Numerous European countries have considered legislation to outlaw or restrict the practice, with activists saying it violates the newborn’s rights.

In the late 20th and early 21st centuries, some liberal Jews have voiced discomfort with circumcision and opted not to circumcise their sons. According to a 2017 New York Times article,  while “the great majority of Jewish parents still circumcise, and opting out remains almost taboo in much of the mainstream,” the practice is quietly coming under scrutiny from some Jews. The article noted that “a number of parents” who opted out of the circumcision “did not want to speak on the record about their decision, and some rabbis who had done alternative bris ceremonies asked not to be named publicly.”

“Right now, there is a ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ policy within much of institutional Judaism when it comes to parents skipping circumcision,” Rebecca Wald, the founder of Beyond the Bris, an online community for parents who are questioning circumcision, told the Times.

In 2013, The Washington Post reported that a “small but growing number of Jews are questioning the ancient ritual of circumcision.” That article noted that even some parents who were having their sons circumcised, are avoiding having a public brit milah ceremony, feeling that this celebration of the rite is unseemly. Similarly, the Israeli newspaper Haaretz reported in 2012 that a growing number of secular Jewish Israelis have also avoided the ritual. However, it is unclear how widespread this trend is in the Jewish community, and many Jews, even those who do not view Jewish law as binding, believe circumcision is one of Judaism’s most significant and defining traditions.

This article on our partner site Kveller explains the numerous reasons for circumcision.

Below are several personal accounts from our partner site Kveller by Jewish parents explaining their decisions to circumcise (or not circumcise) their sons:

Parents Who Opted to Circumcise

My Circumcision Decision 
Why I Circumcised My Sons
How My Son’s Circumcision Made Me A Better Mother 

A Parent Who Opted Against a Public Brit Milah Ceremony

The Second Time Around, I’m Skipping the Bris

Parents Who Opted Against Circumcision

Should I Circumcise My Son? Why I Decided No
Why I’m Against Circumcision

The post The Circumcision Debate appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The post Planning a Brit Milah (Bris) appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

For help choosing a Jewish name, check out Kveller’s Baby Name Finder. 

Today there is a good chance that someone special in your life who isn’t Jewish will be at your bris (brit milah), simchat bat, or other welcoming ceremony for your new baby. It may be an aunt or uncle, grandparents, or even yourself or your partner: a non-Jewish parent who has pledged to raise this child in a Jewish home.

Both parents will obviously be involved in the planning of your ceremony, and to a certain extent can tailor it to their personal comfort level. For example, how much is said in English versus Hebrew, how much is focused on the idea of the covenant between God and the Jewish people, and how much focuses on more universalistic Jewish ideas and traditions. Welcoming ceremonies for girls, which are a relatively new phenomenon, are not “fixed” as the ancient rite of brit milah, and so there is often far more room for flexibility.

For mohels — ritual circumcisers (who are in most cases Orthodox) — the mother’s religion is the one that counts when determining if the baby is Jewish according to Jewish law. Ritual circumcision is actually a requirement that a Jewish father must fulfill — or delegate — when he has a son. Part of a traditional brit milah involves the father reciting a line in Hebrew that delegates that responsibility to the mohel. When the father isn’t Jewish, the obligations of traditional Judaism do not bind him, and so the mohel will skip that line. If the baby’s mother is not Jewish, then a traditional mohel will likely agree to perform the circumcision if it is “l’shem gerut” — with the intention that the baby will later be immersed in a mikveh (a ritual bath) to be converted to Judaism. Reform mohels will, in line with current Reform thinking, consider the baby Jewish if either parent is Jewish.

It will be important to discuss the family’s circumstances with the mohel in advance of the day of the ceremony, and clarify with him which roles you wish to assign to various relatives. It is then that you should ask him about the role that a non-Jewish parent can play.

The honorary roles of carrying the baby into the room for his brit milah and holding him before the mohel does the actual cutting are often given to the grandparents of the new baby. While a rigorously Orthodox mohel may insist that the sandek, the man who holds the baby, be Jewish, there is likely to be no objection to a non-Jewish grandmother carrying the baby into the room.

There is a lot more room for creative inclusion of a non-Jewish parent or other family member at a simchat bat, a ritual Jewish baby naming event for girls.

Other non-Jewish family members, uncertain about what to expect or their role in the ritual, can feel uncomfortable at a Jewish ritual event. Since it is important that everyone feel welcome, you can alleviate those feelings by explaining to them in advance what will take place, and even take it a step further by making sure that they have an important part in your daughter’s rite of passage. There are several ways in which they can be included with roles integral to the ceremony. As will be the case 13 years down the road at the child’s bar or bat mitzvah, there are on this occasion certain roles which both non-Jews and Jews can fill, and others that are most appropriately handled by Jews.

Even before getting to the ritual elements, there are many ways to acknowledge the background of both sides of the family at your celebration, which can include explicit recognition of a non-Jewish parent’s heritage.

At one ceremony held at San Francisco’s Congregation Sha’ar Zahav, for example, the baby wore a handmade christening gown which had been passed down as a family heirloom for several generations. While to some that might seem out of place at a Jewish ceremony, the public acknowledgment of this mother’s non-Jewish heritage helped make it possible for her to fully commit to raising her children as Jews, because her own past was not being rendered invisible.

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

The post Interfaith Baby Namings appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Answer: Okay Sarah, first this depends on your relationship with your mother-in-law. Is she a major pain in the tuchis or do you guys generally get along? If she wants to do something for you that feels problematic to you, and you feel like this is a situation where you need to set up boundaries with her, I would say beg off. Once the kid is born (pooh pooh pooh) your mother-in-law will probably want to be around all the time, so if you want distance, best to get it now.

It’s true that in many Jewish communities, baby showers are frowned upon. Why? Many Jews avoid baby showers (and even avoid purchasing clothes or furniture for the baby before the baby is born) out of fear that making a big (or even medium-sized) fuss about an unborn baby might cause something bad to happen to the baby or the mother.

For more on Jewish parenting, visit our partner site Kveller!

This superstition stems from the notion of the evil eye, or ayin hara. In the Mishnah, a person with ayin hara is someone who cannot be happy for another’s good fortune, and in fact is distressed and angry when good things happen to his or her friends. This person’s gaze is considered dangerous, because he or she would prefer that others not enjoy good things, and might somehow cause misfortune to others via a malicious gaze. As a result, many Jewish communities have developed a tradition of not calling attention to good things, so as not to provoke ayin hara.

Still, it’s important to remember that this is a superstitious tradition, and not a Jewish law. According to halacha (Jewish law), there is nothing wrong with having a baby shower.

In order to get some expert advice here I thought it best to consult with my grandmother. I’ve never known her to be overly superstitious when it comes to Jewish life, but she works in the theater, and I think she might actually break her own leg before saying good luck to someone before a show. When I called I first had to carefully emphasize that I wasn’t asking for me, lest she become overly excited about the possibility of great-grandchildren (oy).

She finally answered the baby shower question: “If you’re not superstitious, and if there’s no indication that anything would go wrong, then I think it’s okay. If it makes you uneasy, then absolutely don’t do it. Do what your heart tells you. And if your heart says no, don’t do it.” I think that’s probably a good plan. If you feel weird about having a baby shower, or if you’re superstitious, then I’d say avoid it. But if it doesn’t bother you at all, then go for it.

It may be that you feel uncomfortable about a baby shower because pastel balloons and a cake in the shape of a pacifier don’t appeal to you. If that’s the case, try asking your mother-in-law if you can have an alternative baby shower, where you and a bunch of friends go get pedicures, see a play or have a picnic, and instead of everyone giving you gifts for the baby, ask people to make contributions to women or baby-focused charities such as the Women’s Funding Network or a local children’s hospital. A baby shower that doesn’t seem like a baby shower is much less likely to make you (or any of your more superstitious guests) feel like you’re tempting fate.

And hey, b’shaah tovah! (It’s customary not to wish pregnant women mazel tov, but instead to wish that the baby comes at a good and auspicious time.)

The post Ask the Expert: Baby Showers appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

One of the wonderful things about planning a brit bat (or simchat bat) is that in many ways the family can choose from a wide range of options — or even craft their own ceremony. As a relatively new lifecycle ritual, though one rooted in ancient tradition, this event has neither a fixed form nor predetermined content, which means that if you are planning a ceremony for a new daughter, you can it to reflect the family’s personality and orientation toward Judaism.

That being said, over the three decades that parents have been welcoming their daughters with ceremonies meant in some way to parallel that of brit milah for boys (that is, to give equal weight to the birth of a daughter), a certain loose structure has emerged. It is one which makes logical sense, and follows the flow of elements in other Jewish lifecycle rituals, including brit milah.

Here are the most common elements in a Jewish girl’s naming ceremony and their order:

A song.
Singing together is a powerful way to create a sense of holy space, to distinguish the time of the ceremony from that which preceded it, and to bring everyone together in fellowship. Someone leads people in a Jewish traditional wordless tune, called a niggun, which is easy for people to join in on, or a contemporary Jewish or meaningful secular song.

An introduction welcoming everyone to this joyous occasion
This is a time to outline what guests should expect and note the presence of honored people in attendance–rabbis, special friends and relatives, and anyone else who has had a notable role in the baby’s first weeks of life.

Hebrew welcome
The Hebrew words “Brucha ha-ba’ah b’shem Adonai–Welcome in the name of the Creator,” is usually recited by the person leading the welcoming ceremony, or by all the assembled guests, to greet the baby as she is carried into the room.

Blessings of thanksgiving by the baby’s parents
Birkat haGomel, the prayer of thanksgiving for having come through a potentially life-threatening passage, is traditionally said by a woman after childbirth. It is customarily said the first Shabbat that the mother has gone to synagogue after the baby is born, after reciting the blessing over the Torah reading. If she hasn’t done this already, the mother can recite Birkat haGomel now.

Prayers and readings
The parents recite prayers and readings related to parenting and the baby.

A ritual welcoming this new daughter into the Covenant or celebrating her membership in it
This might involve wrapping her in a tallit (prayer shawl), lighting candles, immersing her in a mini-mikveh (a stand-in for an actual mikveh, or ritual bath), or washing her hands and feet.

Explanation of the baby’s names, and recitation of formal naming blessings giving her Jewish (Hebrew or Yiddish) names.
This is a good time for grandparents and aunts and uncles, as well as parents, to speak about the wonderful qualities possessed by the people after whom the baby is being named.

Presentation of gifts
Parents, older siblings or beloved relatives present Jewishly meaningful gifts to the baby, like a tzedakah box, kiddush cup or candlesticks.

Recitation of prayers, poems, and other readings by honored guests.

Blessings of gratitude from the baby’s parents.
The blessing known as “shechechiyanu” is often recited when an individual or family reaches a new occasion.. Some might say this at the moment of their daughter’s birth. The traditional blessing ending with the words “hatov v’hameitiv” (the One who is good and renders goodness) is said upon hearing good news, or when something wonderful happens to an individual or to the community . Either or both of these, or other closing prayers, may be said as well.

Another song or two to close the ceremony.

Hamotzi (blessing over bread)
Reciting  the blessing over bread (usually challah) which serves as the blessing over the entire meal to follow. Many families dip the challah into honey (a similar custom is followed by many  newlyweds during their first year of marriage) to set apart this sweet day.

Everyone is then invited to join in a festive meal.

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

The post The Elements of a Brit Bat Jewish Welcoming Ceremony appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

There is a custom to make a feast of fruits and beverages on the erev Shabbat [the Friday night] before the day that the brit takes place. This is seen as a feast held in honor of performing a mitzvah […] and is called a shalom zakhar. Similarly, there is a custom to stay awake studying all night before the circumcision, to protect the child from demons, etc. It is obviously the last chance for the demons to get the child before circumci­sion makes him safe. This is called leil shimmurim–the night of watching.

Postpone for Health Reasons

One should not circumcise an infant who is weak, sick, or premature when medical opinion indicates that the circumcision might be dangerous. The brit, in this case, is postponed until a later date.

Postponed Ceremonies Should Not Be on Shabbat

Although a brit may normally be held on Shabbat or a festival (even on Yom Kippur), if the brit has been postponed because of the health of the child, it should not take place on any of those days.

Candles

It is customary to light candles in the room where the brit is to take place.

A Chair for Elijah

Another custom is to set aside a chair for the prophet Elijah (who is called the angel of covenant and is reputed to be the protector of little children).

Put the Infant on the Chair

It is also a custom to put the infant on the chair before the actual circumcision.

Have A Minyan Present

Whenever possible, the brit should take place with a minyan (a ­quorum of 10 people [in traditional communities, 10 men]).

Remain Standing

It is customary for everyone but the godfather [the sandek] who is holding the baby to remain standing during the ceremony.

Parents Stand Beside Mohel

The father (or both parents [when the mother wishes to do so and the mohel is agreeable]) should hand the knife to the mohel and stand by him while he performs the milah, to indicate that the mohel is the agent of the parent(s). [If the child’s father is not Jewish then traditionally the mohel simply acts on behalf of the community.]

Additional Readings and Songs

[In addition to] the basic elements of the brit milah ceremony […], there is great historical precedent for adding meaningful readings, songs, state­ments, etc.–whatever the parents are into. While psalms, poetry, music, and group readings are appropriate within the context of the traditional brit milah, you should check nonetheless with the mohel you’ll be using. He or she will also be sharing in the ceremony and deserves consideration.

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

Reprinted with permission from The Second Jewish Catalog.

The post Brit Milah (Bris): Some Laws and Customs appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

As modern readers, circumcision often strikes us as strange at best and barbaric at worst. A flood of questions emerges: Why would a loving parent do such a thing to an innocent and defenseless child? Why would a loving God command it? Does it make sense that so many Jews, seemingly so far removed from tradition, still feel a deep visceral need to affirm their Judaism and Jewishness in precisely this of all ways? What does this ancient and ostensibly bizarre practice tell us about how Jews understand themselves and their role in the world?

At the heart of Jewish theology is the idea that God and Israel have entered into an eternal covenant of redemption. The Exodus of the Hebrew slaves from Egypt, which on the surface would appear to be a relatively obscure event in the history of a small Near Eastern tribe, is understood by the Jewish people to represent a promise and a paradigm: Despite the fact that human history has been mired in oppression and degradation, there will come a time when all human beings will live in full dignity and freedom, when tzelem elohim, the notion that human beings are created in the image of God, will seem less a Pollyanna-ish fantasy than a tangible reality. God wants such a world, and the Jewish people agree to try and help build it. The covenant between God and Israel is most fundamentally about redemption–about believing that human reality can be other than it is, and about struggling to make that dream a reality, bit by bit, day by day.

It would be difficult to overemphasize the centrality of the covenant idea in Jewish theology and self-perception. Our ultimate dream is our ultimate task–to redeem the world (or, at the very least, to participate in its redemption). The covenant is that bond through which God and the Jewish people dream together and work together toward an alternate reality, a world in which human dignity is real and the presence of God is manifest.

The Jewish covenant is a covenant for the ages. Each generation contributes to redemption as much as it can, and it raises children who share the redemptive dream and the covenantal commitment. Without the insights and accomplishments of our ancestors, we would have no basis on which to stand; without the hope for our children and our children’s children, the task would seem too much to bear, and we would succumb to cynicism and despair. Countless generations of Jews have suffered for want of the Messiah. But these same generations have rejoiced in the conviction that though he may tarry, their children might well meet him in person. “Jewish continuity” is, at its deepest level, covenantal continuity. It is about keeping the Exodus and its promises alive.

The Jewish tradition has, not surprisingly, always placed a great deal of emphasis on procreation and family. The covenant is, in a very real sense, biologically transmitted. Each generation quite literally inherits both the promises and the responsibilities of the covenant with God. As I hope I have begun to demonstrate, there is much that is beautiful in this idea. But there is also much that is disturbing.

The post Circumcision is a Difficult Rite appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

For help choosing a Jewish name, check out Kveller’s Baby Name Finder. 

Names in the Bible can also be seen to predict at birth what that person’s character will subsequently turn out to be. For example, the name of the patriarch Jacob, or Ya’akov, means “usurper”; it describes both how he tried to usurp his brother Esau’s prior exit from the womb by grabbing his heel during birth (Ya’akov in fact derives from ekev, “heel”) and how he ultimately usurped Esau as the heir of their father, Isaac, and grandfather Abraham. Similarly, the name of the prophet Samuel, or Shemu’el, means (according to some scholars) “the one about whom God heard me,” referring to his theretofore barren mother’s prayer for a child.

Traditionally, in other words, the name given a child is considered to be a matter of great importance, having considerable influence on the development of that child’s character.

Although no codified rules exist to guide parents in the naming of their children, custom has evolved a variety of practices (minhagim) commonly accepted by Jews in different localities.

Ashkenazi Naming Customs

Among Ashkenazim — that is, Jews of Central and Eastern European origin — the custom is to name the child after someone, usually a family member, who has recently died. In most cases this is a grandparent or great-grandparent. The usual explanation for this practice is that the parents hope that in receiving the name of an admired family member, the child will emulate in his or her life the virtues of the deceased namesake. To a certain extent, too, it is believed that the soul of the loved one lives on in the child who now bears his or her name. Indeed, learning about the persons for whom they are named is an excellent way for children to identify with the history of their own Jewish families and, by extension, with the history of the whole Jewish people. Some parents even add these personal explanations to the birth ceremonies for their children.

Sephardic Naming Customs

Sephardim–that is, Jews of Iberian or Middle-Eastern origin–usually name their children after a grandparent, either living or dead, and many Sephardic grandparents look forward to being honored with grandchildren who bear their own names while they are still alive to see it. Sephardim are also much more punctilious about naming a boy after a man and a girl after a woman than are most Ashkenazim. In Sephardic families this procedure often has the effect of strengthening transgenerational ties between grandfathers and grandsons, and between grandmothers and granddaughters.

Jewish Name and/or Secular Name

Frequently, Jewish parents give their child both a Hebrew name and a secular name for use in general society. Sephardim often choose a non-Jewish name whose meaning approximates that of the Hebrew name. Thus, for example, a boy might be called Rahamim, meaning “compassion” (a name almost exclusively used by Sephardim, by the way), and Clement, based on the Latin clementa, and meaning virtually the same thing. Among East European Jews, the Hebrew name would be accompanied by a Yiddish one, again often with a similar meaning. Thus the name Dov, meaning “bear” (in this case a name found almost exclusively among Ashkenazim), might be followed by the Yiddish name Ber. Hence, a man would be known as Dov-Ber, both formally and even in ordinary conversation. If a diminutive were to be used, it was usually based on the Yiddish name alone; hence, Dov-Ber would be called Berl as a nickname, or Zev-Wolf would be Velvel.

German-speaking Jews, for the most part, did not attempt to make any connection between the Hebrew and German names given a child. Thus a boy might well be named, for example, Avraham Franz (the latter an especially popular name because of German-speaking Jews’ affection and respect for the Austro-Hungarian emperor Franz Josef–an advocate of equal rights for Jews).

American Jews, most of whom are descended from Ashkenazic immigrants, have generally followed the East European custom of making some connection between the two names given a child at birth, but more often than not the link is a phonic one rather than one based on meaning. Thus, if American Jewish parents name their child Sarah after a grandmother of that name, they are usually only interested in an English name beginning with “s”. So ”Sarah,” whose English name (if she too lived in America) was likely to have been something like Sadie, now has a granddaughter named after her with a name something like Samantha. In fact, this practice is so widespread that unlearned American Jewish parents may actually ask what is the Hebrew equivalent for a name like Sadie and are surprised to learn that there is no real equivalent but only a phonic similarity to a number of Hebrew names that begin with the Hebrew letter sin.

Current Trends in Jewish Names

Currently in the United States biblical names are enjoying great popularity, and many American Jews are giving their children Hebrew baby names that have English equivalents. Thus a child might be given the name Ya’akov after his grandfather and be called Jacob in English–though that namesake might also have been named Ya’akov in Hebrew but have been called something like Jerome in English. Then too, the new Jewish self-awareness occasioned by the successful revival of the Hebrew language in the State of Israel has led to the growing popularity of new Israeli names–Ari, for instance, or llana–not only for Israeli children but for American Jewish children as well.

Considering the importance of a name to the overall identity and ideals of a child, many Jews feel that it behooves Jewish parents to select names for their children that will strengthen ties to family and reinforce the historical continuity of the Jewish people.

Reprinted with permission from Celebration and Renewal: Rites of Passage in Judaism, edited by Rela M. Geffen (Jewish Publication Society).

For help choosing a Jewish name, check out Kveller’s Baby Name Finder. 

For more about Jewish parenting, visit our partner site, Kveller.

The post What’s in a Jewish Name? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Greek and Roman Prohibitions Against Circumcision

When the Greeks, and later the Romans, issued prohibitions against cir­cumcision, the religious ritual gained renewed importance in defining who was a Jew. Antiochus IV Epiphanes (c. 215-c. 163 BCE) prohibited the rite, and mothers who had their sons circumcised were thrown off the city walls after being paraded de­meaningly around the city with their infants tied to their breasts. The Roman Emperor Hadrian (76-138 CE) similarly prohibited the rite and decapitated Jews who performed it on their sons. The early Christians in Jerusalem also rejected cir­cumcision, a step that had profound repercussions in later centuries.

Circumcision in the Talmud

The Mishnah [one of the major documents of early rabbinic Judaism, compiled c. 200 CE] explains how and when to perform the operation. In the many volumes of Jewish law formulated during the first few centuries of the Christian Era, however, no tractate is devoted to circumcision. Circumcision was dis­cussed frequently at that time, but in the context of other Jewish laws, especially those pertaining to the Sabbath.

In addition, during the talmudic period, the sages told many stories about the merits of circumcision, to stress its importance. They said that were it not for circumcision, heaven and earth would not exist. They taught that performance of this duty is proof of a Jew’s acceptance of God, enables him to enter the Promised Land, and prevents him from entering Gehenna [the Jewish equivalent of hell]. At that time, non-Jews in Palestine and in Babylon viewed circumcision as a mutilation and forbade it. In response, rabbis stressed that circumcision removes a blemish (the foreskin) and enables a man to achieve bodily perfection by fulfilling a divine commandment.

Medieval Attitudes, Teachings on Circumcision

The animosity toward circumcision of non-Jews continued into the Middle Ages, reinforced by the seventh-century Catholic Visigothic Code in Spain, which forced Jews to renounce the rite and further strengthened its importance for the Jewish people. This Code influenced Spanish anti-Semitism for centuries.

Jews living among Muslims did not meet with the same hostility to cir­cumcision as those living among Christians, because Islam recommends removal of the foreskin, although Islamic circumcision is not a covenant and does not have the religious significance that it has in Judaism. In Babylonia, in gaonic [post-rabbinic] times, Jews intro­duced the custom of circumcising an infant who died before he was eight days old, at the grave before burial, so the infant’s soul would not go to Gehenna.

In the 12th and 13th centuries, rabbis compiled a new chapter of halacha [Jewish law] headed “The Laws of Circumcision,” sometimes still under the heading of the Laws of Shabbat, but increasingly as a legal topic in its own right. Here they col­lected all the laws pertaining to circumcision from earlier sources, discussed questions that had arisen in the practice of the ritual, and documented medieval customs for performing the ritual.

At that time, new ideas emerged about circumcision. Maimonides pointed out that everyone who was circumcised bore the same sign that he believed in the unity of God. He also said that the ritual was not performed merely to achieve bod­ily perfection, but also to perfect man’s moral shortcomings, because removal of the foreskin counteracted excessive lust, weakened the libido, and sometimes also reduced the pleasure of sexual relations. In the 13th century, a rabbi developed this idea to counter an anti-Semitic, Christian accusation that Jews were guilty of immoderate sexual behavior, enabled by their circumcision. The rabbi emphasized that the re­moval of the foreskin lessened a man’s sexual desire and enabled him to concentrate on the Torah.

At this time, Jews began to think of the ritual as a sacrifice, and the father who circumcises his son as a high priest. And mystics taught that circumcision enables one to find holiness in the Shekhinah, the divine presence.

From the 15th to the 19th centuries, during the Inquisition of the Roman Catholics to stamp out heresy on the Iberian peninsula and colonies (Goa in India, Central and South American colonies, the Philippine Islands, and the Canary Islands), many Jews were forced to convert to Christianity, yet some continued to practice Judaism secretly — and any Jewish man from a converted family who had himself or his son circumcised was condemned to death. Many of these “New Christians,” known as Marranos, or Conversos, eventually found refuge in safe havens in the Ottoman Empire, in the Netherlands and England, where adult men would have themselves and their sons circumcised.

15th-18th Century Views

For Jews threatened with the Inquisition to continue to practice circumcision, and for an adult to undergo this ritual voluntarily, required a conscious awareness of its significance in Judaism. Thus, from the 15th to the 18th cen­turies, some of these Jews of Spanish and Portuguese origin reflected upon the impor­tance of this ritual; their thinking reflected the society in which they lived and their familiarity with contemporary Christian views.

One example is Isaac Cardoso, who noted that circumcision differentiated God’s people from others. He repeated that cir­cumcision enabled perfection of the body and the spirit, and the absence of a foreskin lessened a man’s sexual impulses; however, in contrast to the rabbinic view, he wrote that Abraham’s circumcision and sacrifice of Isaac took the place of crucifixion in compensating for Adam’s original sin and that, without circumcision, a Jew could not be redeemed. He also gave a kabbalistic interpretation of the Hebrew word for circum­cision, milah, which in gematria [a system of equating letters with numeric value] is equivalent to a Hebrew appellation of God, Elohim. He also took a phrase in Deuteronomy 30:12 (“who among us can go up to the heav­ens … ?”) and pointed out that the first letter of each Hebrew word in this phrase spells milah, whereas the last letter of each word spells the tetragrammaton [the biblical four-letter name for God, whose original pronunciation is lost to us].

The Early Modern Period

In the early modern period, rabbis continued to answer practical ques­tions that arose in the fulfillment of the duty and to document local customs. Differences evolved in details of the ritual according to the locality and ethnic ori­gins of the community. For example, small differences were noted in the blessings, in the choice of readings, and in the songs sung in a Yemenite community, in a Sephardic community, and in an Ashkenazi community. For this reason, each community had its own preferred publication of the Order of Circumcision.

Note: While the Reform movement has dropped its opposition to circumcision, a small number of liberal Jews avoid circumcising their sons out of concern that the practice is cruel. For one such perspective, click here.

Also in the early modern period, emancipation began to affect attitudes to circumcision within the Jewish community. Emancipation led directly to a move­ment of Reform Judaism away from ceremony and ritual, although reformists main­tained Jewish ethics and morals. In 1843, leaders of Reform Jewry in Frankfurt proposed abandoning circumcision, on the grounds that Mosaic law mentions only once the command to circumcise one’s sons, and this command is not repeated in Deuteronomy. This proposal sparked an emotional controversy between reformists and traditionalists.

The chief rabbis of Frankfurt and Hamburg each kept a notebook for a few years in which they blacklisted wayward parents who had not circumcised their newborn sons. The dispute raged for many years, but it had no lasting effect on the continuing practice of circumcision among Jews.

Circumcision Views Today

In recent years, Reform Jews have returned to celebrating this and other religious rituals, maintaining certain major differences from the Orthodox. (One is the inclusion of women in the performance of the ritual and another is the recogni­tion of patrilineal as well as matrilineal descent. Thus, Reform rabbis accept that the son of a Jewish father and non-Jewish mother can be considered Jewish if both par­ents are committed to raising him as a Jew, just like the son of a Jewish mother and non-Jewish father.) The Reform movement now recognizes the importance of cir­cumcision to Jewish identity in a mixed society.

Reprinted with permission from A Time To Be Born: Customs and Folklore of Jewish Birth (Jewish Publication Society 1998).

The post A History of Brit Milah appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

One way we express our dreams for our children is in the names we choose for them. A name is a very powerful thing in Jewish tradition. This week’s Torah portion reminds us of this when God speaks to Moses and says, “I am Adonai. I appeared to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob as El Shaddai, but by the name Adonai I was not known to them (Exodus 6:2-3).”

These verses allude to the power of this name for God. The Rabbis taught that this Hebrew spelling of God’s name is ineffable and most powerful. We say Adonai, but we know the Hebrew letters (yod, hay, vav, hey) are not actually pronounced this way. We have lost the knowledge to pronounce this name correctly and, our tradition teaches, we should not even try to say it. If we say it correctly, the name is believed to hold great power. Our sages believed the reason for God revealing this name to Moses was so he could use it to invoke the miracles that would ultimately result in the Israelites’ freedom from slavery in Egypt, a tool that was not bestowed upon his predecessors: Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

We learn the significance of other names in the Torah, as well. Moses was given his name because it describes how he was found in a basket in the river. The patriarch Jacob was given his name to foretell how he would usurp the birthright of his older brother, Esau. Each name has meaning.

This is why Hebrew names are often given to Jewish babies. It is an opportunity to bestow upon our children a blessing. Oftentimes we choose to name a child after a loved one who is or is not living (depending on whether you adhere to Sephardic or Ashkenazic tradition). By doing so, we hope the baby will embody the qualities we admire in our loved one. But, this is just the first name we receive.

Our sages taught, “In life, you discover that people are called by three names: One is the name your parents call you; one is the name others call you, and one is the name you acquire for yourself. The best one is the one you acquire for yourself (Tanchuma, Vayak’heil 1).”

While we have hopes and dreams for our children, as our parents did for us, this teaching is a reminder that what is most important is our personal actions and treatment of others. The more good we do, the more we bless others with our actions, will lead us to earn that third name.

May we live up to the names our parents give us. May we be respected by the names others call us. And, may our deeds leave behind a legacy for which our name will endure as a blessing.

Photo by Colin Maynard on Unsplash

The post What’s in a Name? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Give these men and women the strength and courage to persevere on their journeys. Grant them healing and comfort. Strengthen them and surround them with love and support.

As you remembered Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Hannah, and you have heard the voices of the righteous men and women when they beseeched you, please listen to our beseeching to help the men and women of our community. Receive with Your mercy and desire our prayer. Fulfill our wishes for the good, and so may it be Your will, and let us say Amen.

It’s fitting that this prayer is said just a few weeks before we read the Torah portion Vayera, in which we see Abraham and Sarah, who are childless and “already old, well on in years, and Sarah no longer had female periods.” They are told by a group of strangers that next year, they will have a son. In response to this news Sarah “laughed to herself, saying, ‘Now that I am worn out, shall I have my heart’s desire? My husband is old!’”

The Bible is filled with stories of Jewish women battling infertility, and about the pain they experience along the way. In the first chapter of the Book of Samuel, Hannah is taunted by her sister-wife Peninah because she cannot conceive. In Genesis (in the Torah portion Parashat Vayetzei) Rachel feels tortured because her sister Leah can conceive, while she cannot. The command to “be fertile and become many” was the first given to man in the first Torah portion, Bereshit. When that proves impossible, it is not only a personal pain, but can be a religious one as well.

In Vayera, we see how timeless the struggle with infertility truly is. And the pain is so deep that it can cause a woman to laugh in the face of messengers of God.

The Torah, and Judaism in general, contains a blueprint for raising Jewish children. It instructs us what we should teach our children and gives us the why and the how. But it also contains reminders to be mindful of those who yearn to become parents, and nuggets of hope for those still trying to conceive. Upon scoffing at the idea of having a child, Sarah (and the rest of us) are reminded, “Is anything too difficult for God?”

In Vayera, after giving birth to her son Isaac, Sarah said “God has given me laughter.” And just as we are reminded of the pain and the hope of the struggle to conceive, which is experienced by one in eight American couples, we are also reminded of the joy of becoming parents, especially after such a long wait.

The post As You Remembered Sarah appeared first on My Jewish Learning.