First, you should read our overview article about the basics of converting to Judaism. In particular, be aware that different streams of Judaism have different requirements and standards, and that communal norms vary from country to country. So if it’s important to you that your conversion be recognized in a specific place, such as Israel or the United Kingdom, or in a particular community, you will want to ensure that your conversion process follows its standards. You may also want to do some research to ensure that the rabbi or institution with whom you are working is widely respected and that his or her conversions are widely recognized.

Regardless of which type of conversion they ultimately undergo, most prospective Jews by choice get started by enrolling in Introduction to Judaism or Judaism 101 classes, which are frequently offered at synagogues, Jewish community centers and other Jewish institutions.

For assistance finding such classes near where you live, you may want to:

• Contact your local Jewish federation or Jewish community center.
• Review the Reform movement’s list of upcoming Introduction to Judaism courses here. The movement also offers an online version of this class.
• Check out the Conservative movement’s list of upcoming conversion classes here.
• Contact a local Orthodox congregation or rabbi and ask which class they recommend for prospective converts. Click here for your nearest Orthodox Union -affiliated synagogue To find your nearest Chabad-Lubavitch congregation, click here.
• If you are in Israel, click here for more information about the conversion process there.
• For information about non-Orthodox conversions in Europe visit the World Union for Progressive Judaism site.
• It is also possible now to take classes online — and even go through the entire conversion process online. However, many communities, particularly in Europe, do not recognize online conversions.

If you know of other class directories not listed here, leave information in the comments or email community@myjewishlearning.com.

Are you considering conversion to Judaism? Sign up here for a special email series that will guide you through everything you need to know.

The post Converting to Judaism: How to Get Started appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

I have been taught that over the long-term, we are practicing for everyday life. That is to say, we learn certain techniques on the mat in order to learn particular modes of being that can be lived both in and out of the dojo. The techniques involve attacking and receiving attacks, throwing people and falling through the air, all while transforming the energy of conflict into harmony. But our everyday modes of being do not involve throwing people or doing somersaults. The ultimate objective in Aikido is the acquisition of mental, spiritual and psychological skills, learned through the body, that have the potential to change the way you live.

It can be helpful to think of prayer in a similar manner. Prayer involves certain forms to be learned — the prayer book, for example, is a form one can learn, practice, and get better at applying. But the true measure of its success is not how well you master the form, but how it affects your life outside the synagogue. After engaging in prayer, I ask myself: What have I learned? How have I grown? And how is this growth reflected in the way I live?

We tend to be more comfortable talking about the forms of prayer. Ask a Jew about their prayer life and they will often tell you how the chairs are arranged in the synagogue and whether the men and women are seated separately or together. They will tell you which prayer book they use and whether the service is participatory and musical. But when asked about long-term goals of prayer, they often lack even the vocabulary to venture an answer.

My understanding is that a spiritual practice must have a goal, an aspirational result that follows the ongoing practice of particular forms. At the core of any practice is the question: What is my goal and how are the methodologies that I apply serving that goal? Calling something a practice means it has an orientation, it’s going toward something. And there has to be a connection between the particular methodology — the things we do — and the goal we’re trying to achieve.

There can, of course, be many different goals for prayer. Goals for prayer can be communal, oriented towards creating or strengthening community, or achieving certain objectives in the world. There can also be purely individual goals, like having a mystical experience of God or fulfilling a religious obligation to pray. But for prayer to be a practice, it has to have a goal.

To help clarify the notion of having a goal and the relation between the daily methodologies and the long term goal, I will describe some of my own prayer practice. For me, the long term goal of prayer is to live with an awareness of the presence of God. As the psalmist wrote, “One thing I ask of God, only that do I seek: to live in the house of God all the days of my life.” With a god that is all-that-is and beyond, the request to live in God’s presence is really a request for a shift in consciousness.

I have come to understand that this longing for God’s presence is the most fundamental religious experience — even more so than the experience of God itself. To put that notion in the language of the Torah, God tells Moses that no person can see God’s face and live. Some things, like complete wholeness, are simply beyond the bounds of this world. And as long as we live in a world of boundaries, the deepest core of our being is one of longing. Living with the constant awareness of God’s hiding in the world (the Hebrew word for world, olam, is related to the word for hiding) translates for me into the emotional medium of cultivating and clarifying the longing for God through prayer.

Longing for God’s presence is realized by gradually learning to see more and deeper connection where I previously saw separation and fragmentation. The biggest obstacles to that kind of consciousness expansion are, of course, my habits of mind, the way I unconsciously set up boundaries for what is possible and what is impossible, what is connected and what is other. Set forms of practice give us a stable point against which to measure the shifts in our own experience. Just as a set sequence of physical movements give the practitioner a set point against which to judge, and eventually shift, her habits of movement, so too in the practice of prayer, a fixed liturgy offers us a form against which to judge, and eventually shift, our spiritual and mental habits.

This is how I understand the structure of the daily morning prayer service beginning with Pesukei d’Zimrah – literally, “verses of song.” The great Israeli poet Hayim Nachman Bialik wrote that words serve as a kind of armor, protecting us against the great existential abyss of death and of darkness. But music is born of this abyss, and as such enables us to undermine the structures of defense we set up in our regular lives. We start prayer with music to signal that we are stepping for a moment outside our habitual modes. To invest in song is to let some of our intellectual boundaries fall away, to undermine the structures that our words create, so that something new can grow.

But it’s also important to acknowledge that there are often good reasons why these structures were set up in the first place. We make some of our worst mistakes and cause the most pain when we forget about boundaries. Within us are some dark places that we are justifiably afraid of, so knocking down our boundaries does not guarantee the discovery of a shining light on the other side. At their sweet root, as kabbalists call it, separation and otherness are not evil. They are what allow us to love.

So after softening our boundaries in song, the liturgy turns to the blessings before Shema, which re-establish the sense that we are not alone. Our individual song is but one one voice in the choir of all being. Reinforcing this experience, we arrive at the Shema, with its core statement of commitment to living towards a God that is one — not in the sense that there is one God as opposed to many gods, but that at the deepest level all of existence is one. In the biblical paragraphs that follow we commit to making that central to our lives, keeping it in our hearts at all times, on the road and at home, whether sleeping or awake, and teaching it to our children. We then voice our recognition that commitment to this unity is necessary for fulfilling our role in the functioning of the natural cycles. And finally, we commit to the ritual practices that will forever remind us that this is what we are doing.

It is only after deeply committing to these structures that we allow ourselves to enter the great silence of the Amidah. Note that I am speaking of the silence of the Amidah — not the words. It is in the silence that comes before the words that I practice a consciousness of no boundaries, no words creating intellectual structures, just the quiet of being. The words of the Amidah, when we get there, are a gradual journey out of that silence. It moves from the abstract — wonder at God’s greatness and power, our connection to our ancestors — to blessings for knowledge, repentance, healing, social justice. Each blessing of the Amidah invites us to reflect on what it would mean to bring the quiet experience of God, or a clarified moment of longing for God, into a particular aspect of our lives.

It should be clear: Some days this works and other days I’m just banging my head against the wall. But my hope is that I am slowly getting a little better at it, and I pray that is reflected in some ways in my life. That is what I go back to prayer for every day — to practice.

This is, of course, not the only way to practice prayer. I offer my own experience mainly to help clarify the questions I think are useful for any person who wants to engage in prayer as a spiritual practice: What do you hope to achieve by engaging regularly in Jewish prayer? How do you imagine your life will look different if you successfully practice prayer for a decade or two or three? What capacities of yourself will be developed? How do the forms of prayer serve your goals? Do they help you develop self-awareness of where you are on your journey?

I offer these questions in the hope that they will help make prayer meaningful in diverse ways, and that sharing a set of questions helps us all remember, in the words of the prayer book: “they are all beloved, all clearly on their way, all powerful, and all doing their Creator’s will with love, fear and awe.”

The post Prayer as Spiritual Practice appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

In couples for whom Judaism plays a key role in their lives, building a relationship foundation may require an additional kind of intimate knowledge. Religion introduces an overarching fabric that influences morals, establishes family values, informs personal identity and intergenerational trajectory, and stands to permeate the physical, emotional and psychological — even the spiritual realm. And this is not even to mention the ways it can practically shape everyday life, from food choices to weekend activities to holiday celebrations. Indeed, spiritual connection creates momentum that pushes the relationship forward, giving it a greater sense of purpose and meaning. Taking a page from Viktor Frankl, when couples can connect on the deepest of spiritual and existential levels, the strength of their bonds will be exponentially fortified, enabling them to withstand so much more of life’s pressures.

So how can we get there? In one of the most popular and ambitious relationship articles ever published by The New York Times, Dr. Arthur Aron designed a series of 36 open-ended questions couples can ask one another to create deeper intimacy, understanding and connectedness. As both a rabbi and a therapist, I’ve crafted a set of 36 questions designed specifically for couples who are building a Jewish life together. These questions offer an opportunity to explore and build deeper intimacy by reinforcing a solid foundation for your Jewish life going forward, together.

So when you’re ready, grab your partner and a seat in a comfortable and relaxed environment (perhaps over drinks or coffee), put your phones away, try to maintain eye contact, and take turns asking one another these 36 questions with great curiosity.

Your Identity

1. If you could meet anyone from Jewish history, who would it be and why?
2. What are your most and least favorite Jewish foods?
3. What is one of your earliest Jewish memories?
4. Think about your favorite Hebrew name. Why is it special to you?
5. What was the last Jewish book you read? Describe something you gained from it.
6. What does keeping kosher mean to you?
7. What is prayer to you? When do you pray?
8. What Jewish memberships or affiliations are important to you?
9. Would you rather enjoy the holidays together in a more intimate setting, or amid a large family gathering and why?
10. Describe the last time you felt truly inspired at synagogue.
11. When you are ill, how do you wish to be cared for?
12. Do you view physical intimacy as a spiritual experience? Explain.

Your Values

13. How important is charitable giving to you? How do you decide how much to give to tzedakah (charity)?
14. If you won the lottery, what causes would you strongly support?
15. What Jewish holiday means the most to you? Why?
16. If a friend was going through a crisis, how would you respond and why?
17. What makes a mensch? Describe 5 qualities.
18. If a friend needed a kidney, would you consider donating? Why or Why not?
19. What does Israel mean to you?
20. Describe something you love about Shabbat.
21. How do you engage in tikkun olam, or repairing the world?

Your History

22. In what ways has a grandparent or great-grandparent influenced your identity?
23. Did you have a Jewish education (Hebrew school/bar or bat mitzvah, Jewish summer camps/synagogue youth group/etc.)? What are your memories of that education? If you did not have a Jewish education, share something about your religious upbringing or your first encounter with Judaism.
24. Have you ever personally experienced or observed anti-Semitism? How did it feel and in what way did it impact you?
25. Can you think of a time that you were struggling with something, where you turned to a rabbi (or wanted to) to seek guidance?
26. How have your parents’ religious identities influenced your own?
27. How do you feel about your relationship with your parents? Is “honor your parents” an absolute, or is it flexible?

Your Future Together

28. Describe a couple with a marriage you would like to emulate and talk about why.
29. What is a dream that you hope to one day achieve with your partner?
30. Is having children important to you? Why or why not?
31. If children can learn one single lesson from Jewish tradition, what should it be?
32. How should Jewish children be taught about tolerance for those who live a different lifestyle?
33. How much or little formal Jewish education would you want for your children? What would you want them to take from that education?
34. Can you describe your own dream for how your adult children would turn out?
35. What is the most important thing from your own background or upbringing that you want to bring to this relationship?
36. After you are gone, what are three things you hope people will say about you at the Shiva house?

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

The post 36 Questions for Jewish Lovers appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

The year was 2005. My partner Dawn Cherie and I had just decided to launch KabaLove, a school of love and Jewish mysticism, and we had come to the home of our teacher, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, to ask for his blessing.

Reb Zalman was referring to a passage from Toldot Yaakov Yosef, the first book to record the mystical teachings of the Baal Shem Tov, who would later be considered the founder of the Hasidic movement. His disciple, Rabbi Yaakov Yosef of Polnonne, writes:

I have received the teaching from my master the Baal Shem Tov, what he himself was told from the heavens, the reason for the late coming of Mashiach, because people do not take a long enough time in Ahavah Rabba (Great Love) in the secret of kissing before intercourse, to arouse the desire of the female so she will orgasm first. (Toldot Ya’akov Yosef, Parashat Va’era)

The Orthodox way of understanding this statement is that the Baal Shem Tov was not talking about human love-making at all. He was talking about the blessing known as Ahavah Rabba (Great Love), which is part of the morning prayers. What he was saying is that people do not take enough time in this part of the prayers – not in bed!

Indeed, in Kabbalah prayer is seen as a process of love-making between the feminine and masculine aspects of the divine. The silent part of prayer is considered a time of divine intercourse, while all the blessings that come prior to that are considered the kissing. According to many conservative rabbis, there is a danger when people who study Kabbalah take these sexual expressions literally rather than metaphorically.

Reb Zalman was of course aware of all this. He was also aware that if people follow the Baal Shem Tov’s instructions in prayer, but not in bed, it is hollow and ridiculous. In fact, Reb Zalman was always making jokes about kabbalists who forgot that this life, in the flesh, is sacred — not only the letters in holy books.

What then is the secret of kissing? There is a wonderful teaching in the Zohar about this: “A kiss of love is spreading to the four directions, and the four directions are being connected by it as one.” (Zohar V.2 146b)

The word in Hebrew for the four directions is ruach, which also means “wind” or “spirit.” Kissing, according to the Zohar, is a unification of the four spirits of the lovers. All human beings, regardless of gender, have masculine and feminine energies within them, which are two spirits in the eyes of the Zohar. (Many Native American tribes traditionally related to LGBT people as “two-spirited people,” yet the Zohar says we all are two-spirited.) The two spirits of each of the lovers gather through the kiss and become four spirits, which then open up to the four directions.

The Zohar goes on in that teaching to discuss how these four spirits unite into one and this one is the spirit of the messiah. This is what inspired the Baal Shem Tov’s teaching. But what does it actually mean for us?

In my experience, both as a lover and as a teacher of sacred sexuality, when lovers reach a level of real intimacy, an inner feeling of redemption bursts out in the heart. Real intimacy shifts us from the world of separation, where our hearts suffer constantly, to the world of unity, where a deep aspect of our soul finally feels liberated.

In my understanding, that is the meaning of the spirit of the messiah revealed in a kiss. The messiah is not a person, but a high level of awareness that can be reached when our souls are awakened. Yet, for that to actually happen we need to take our time in the secret of kissing, falling deeper and deeper into union beyond our separate egos.

It is not enough to just kiss briefly and move on to sex. Are we rushing somewhere? Rushing to fulfill an aim is a more masculine quality, though it exists within us all. This quality is encouraged biologically by testosterone, the main male sexual hormone. Our inner feminine side is not rushing toward an aim. The feminine side is concerned more with being than with doing. “Because being is in the woman,” says Sefer Hapli’ah, a Jewish mystical book from the 14th century.

When we take our time to connect deeply with the secret of kissing — sharing our breaths together, tasting and learning each other, seeing each other with open eyes, relaxing deeply into each other — the feminine side in us all feels seen and respected. As a result, she opens and her well drips with waters.

What the Baal Shem Tov learned from pure spiritual insight now has support from modern neuroscience. We know that for a woman to reach orgasm the amygdala, the part of the brain that constantly scans for potential dangers, needs to deeply relax first. The secrets of kissing with Great Love are a pathway to the relaxation of the amygdala, hence to woman’s orgasmic waves.

In good love-making, there is no such thing as foreplay, there is only play. Consider seeing every single act of love as part of love-making, from the way lovers talk to each other when they have just met to the cuddling after the hot high of orgasmic ecstasy. It is all one long path of love. So kiss and take time in it. Let the lips sing the glory of the divine as they learn the taste and texture of your lover’s divine body.

“Lord, open my lips so my mouth will recite your praise,” the psalmist wrote. Make love-making a sacred ritual of sinking together into the divine realms by taking the slow road, the scenic route, not rushing to intercourse and not pushing toward orgasms. The Baal Shem Tov’s advice can shift one’s love life and enable a “messiah consciousness” to shine.

Want more? MJL’s “Discovering Jewish Spirituality” email series will guide you through authentic Jewish methods of bringing spirituality into your everyday experience. Sign up here.

The post The Kabbalistic Secret of Kissing appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Or infertility might begin, as all life begins, with a little something, when wombs and dreams and hope begin to grow. And then suddenly they stop. This too happens before others (besides the parents) even know there was a something. To say “I had a miscarriage” is to jumble together the celebration of life and the tragedy of death in one word, one breath.

Jewish tradition is no stranger to infertility. All our matriarchs except Rebecca suffered from an inability to conceive, and Rebecca seems to have struggled through her pregnancy. Yet despite the frequency of this physical and spiritual pain, it is only recently that we have begun to craft liturgical responses to this sad commonplace of life.

And since infertility is not a single moment but experienced over days and weeks and months and perhaps even years, we need a whole litany of prayers to respond to the various stages and cycles of hope, waiting, anxiety, loss, hope, procedures, waiting, anxiety.

Below is a selection of contemporary prayers for seeking a child, mourning the loss of a pregnancy, and a prayer of hope to be said prior to undergoing a procedure (based on the traditional blessing celebrating the intricacies of a fully-functioning body). They may be recited as is, adapted or used as inspiration to create personal prayers.

A prayer for pregnancy

Dear God, and God of our ancestors, You have blessed untold loving couples across time, providing each with children in a tumble of generations. May it be your will that we join their lot tonight. Make tonight a night of joy and tenderness, a night in which my beloved and I conceive a child. Hold us close in your embrace, God, just as we hold each other tightly. Remember us as you remembered Sarah. Care for us as you cared for Rebecca. Tend to us as you tended to our mothers, Leah and Rachel.

You alone hold the key to the womb. Open our chambers of life. Choose from your sacred treasury of souls, and send us a child who is wise and caring, healthy and whole. With your help, may our family grow through the years, and through your kindness may we be a blessing to all who know us.

May the words of our mouths and the desires of our hearts please You, our Strength and our Deliverer.

Prayer for a couple on first trimester loss

Light a fragrant candle and recite:

Here we are, the two of us together. The two of us alone. We counted the days and measured the weeks that our child grew within. But we count no more. Our eyes longed to see the birth of our child, our arms yearned to cradle our new little one. Our mouths longed to sing soft lullabies of love. But now our child, our dreams, are no more. Sing us a lullaby, God, to fill our silence. Sing us a lullaby to soothe our fears, comfort our sadness and make the darkness go away. Source of healing and light, sing us a lullaby and help us to find healing in your embrace and among those who love and care for us. And when the time is right, help us dare to choose life again. Blessed are you God, whose compassion continually renews us.

Prayer for hope after suffering loss

Dear God, you made the world overflow with water, with streams and rivers that nourish the earth, pools and ponds that teem with life. But not me. I am like a wadi; I fill up and empty to no purpose. Nothing is held by me, nothing nourished. That is not the way it should be. It is you God who causes the day to break, assigning dawn its place in the east. It is you, God, who sets the world on its course, guiding its paths as it glides through the heavens. It is you, God, who closed the sea behind doors when it burst forth from its womb, swaddling the new waters in dense clouds (Job 38). You know the joy of birth. Share a bit of that joy with me, God. Hear my prayers and heal my broken heart. Send me a child so I may rejoice in them as mothers have rejoiced throughout the generations.

Prayer to be said prior to a procedure to aid fertility

God, creator of all, you wisely formed the human body. You created it with openings upon openings and vessels upon vessels. You know well that should even one of these open when it should remain closed, or close when it should remain open, we could not long survive. God of life with the key to the womb, guide the ways of my openings and closings so that they receive and hold and then safely release a child. Blessed are you God, healer of all flesh, who guides the wonders of creation.

Rabbi Nina Beth Cardin is a graduate of the Jewish Theological Seminary and the founding associate director of the National Center for Jewish Healing. These prayers are adapted from the 2007 edition of her book “Tears of Sorrow, Seeds of Hope,” published by Jewish Lights.

The post How to Pray Through Infertility appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

This blessing for deliverance is typically recited in the presence of a minyan, or prayer quorum, often in the synagogue following an aliyah to the Torah.

Birkat Hagomel in Hebrew (courtesy of Sefaria)

The supplicant recites:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה ה’ אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם הַגּוֹמֵל לְחַיָּבִים טוֹבוֹת שֶׁגְּמָלַנִי כָּל טוֹב

The congregation responds:

מִי שֶׁגְמַלְךָ כֹּל טוֹב הוּא יִגְמַלְךָ כֹּל טוֹב סֶלָה

Birkat Hagomel in Transliteration and English Translation

Baruch ata Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, ha-gomel l’chayavim tovot she-g’malani kol tov.

Blessed are You, Lord our God, ruler of the world, who rewards the undeserving with goodness, and who has rewarded me with goodness.

After the recitation of this blessing, the congregation responds:

Mi she-g’malcha kol tov, hu yi-g’malcha kol tov selah.

May he who rewarded you with all goodness reward you with all goodness for ever.

The post Birkat Hagomel, a Jewish Prayer of Gratitude appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Jewish Organizations

Jewish Federation Finder 
A Jewish federation is the central Jewish philanthropy in most communities, raising and allocating funds for a wide range of programs and agencies. Most Jewish federations can help you locate other Jewish institutions, such as schools, summer camps, social service providers, synagogues and senior homes in your community. Many can also help you find Jewish businesses, such as kosher restaurants and Jewish funeral homes, in your area.

Jewish Community Center Finder 
Jewish community centers, often referred to as JCCs or as “Jewish Ys” offer a range of facilities, classes and programs. They welcome non-Jewish, as well as Jewish, members.

Jewish Publications
In most cities with a sizable Jewish populations, at least one local Jewish newspaper is published weekly or monthly. For national or international Jewish news, we recommend you visit our partner site JTA. Note that this directory, maintained by the American Jewish Press Association, does not contain contact information and also lists the names of local Jewish freelance journalists.

Synagogues

To learn more about the various denominations, also known as streams or movements, of Judaism, read our Guide to Jewish Denominations.

Chabad-Lubavitch Directory 
Chabad, a Hasidic group that emphasizes outreach to Jews of all backgrounds, operates Jewish institutions in more locations around the world than any other single organization. Its local representatives (known as shluchim, or emissaries) often help tourists and other visitors find kosher food and hospitality for Shabbat and Jewish holidays.

Find a Reform Congregation
Directory of synagogues affiliated with the Reform movement.

Find a Conservative Congregation
Directory of synagogues affiliated with the Conservative movement.

Find an Orthodox (non-Chabad) Congregation and Mikveh
Directory of synagogues and mikvehs (also known as mikve’ot) affiliated with the Orthodox Union.

Find a Reconstructionist Congregation
Directory of synagogues affiliated with the Reconstructionist movement.

Find a Secular Humanistic Jewish Community
Directory of groups affiliated with the Society for Humanistic Judaism.

Did we miss an important resource? Email us at community@myjewishlearning.org, or leave the information in the comments section below.

Are you considering conversion to Judaism? Sign up here for a special email series that will guide you through everything you need to know.

The post How to Find Jewish Resources Near You appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Although we joke that we should advise people to read every article on our site, the fact is that Judaism is a huge and overwhelming topic. And the problem is not a shortage of readily available information. Rather, it’s that there are so many articles, resources and books out there that it is difficult to know where and how to begin. Not to mention that books vary greatly in quality.

We still encourage you to read the articles on My Jewish Learning. However, we know that sometimes you want a good old-fashioned book that you can hold in your hands, snuggle up with at bedtime and read from start to finish. So we asked a bunch of Jewish educators to recommend the best Introduction to Judaism/Judaism 101 books out there. The most popular suggestions are listed below, in order of the most recently published/updated. Did we miss a great book, or do you have feedback about one of the books we listed? Email us at community@myjewishlearning.com or comment below.

1) Here All Along: Finding Meaning, Spirituality, and a Deeper Connection to Life — in Judaism (2019) by Sarah Hurwitz

2) My Jewish Year: 18 Holidays, One Wandering Jew (2018) by Abigail Pogrebin

3)Essential Judaism: A Complete Guide to Beliefs, Customs and Rituals (Updated in 2016) by George Robinson

4) Judaism’s 10 Best Ideas: A Brief Guide for Seekers (2014) by Arthur Green

5) Living Judaism: The Complete Guide to Jewish Belief, Tradition and Practice (Reprinted in 2010) by Wayne Dosick

6) Jewish Literacy: The Most Important Things to Know about the Jewish Religion, Its People and Its History (Updated in 2008) by Joseph Telushkin

7) Living a Jewish Life: Jewish Traditions, Customs and Values for Today’s Families (Updated in 2007) by Anita Diamant

8) A Book of Life: Embracing Judaism as a Spiritual Practice (2006) by Michael Strassfeld

9) The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Understanding Judaism (Updated in 2003) by Benjamin Blech

10) It’s a Mitzvah: Step-By-Step to Jewish Living (1995) by Bradley Shavit Artson

11) To Life! A Celebration of Jewish Being and Thinking (1994) by Harold Kushner

12) The Jewish Way: Living the Holidays (1993) by Irving Greenberg

Are you considering conversion to Judaism? Sign up here for a special email series that will guide you through everything you need to know.

The post 12 Great Introduction-to-Judaism Books appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Are you planning a Jewish wedding? Let us help out! Sign up for Breaking the Glass, an email series that will help guide you to the wedding that’s right for you!

The traditions associated with Jewish weddings — the canopy, the breaking of a glass, the presence of a rabbi, even the seven wedding blessings — are customs. Custom — in Hebrew, minhag — changes over time and differs among cultures, nations and generations; customs can vary wildly from one synagogue or neighborhood to the next.

Customs are not trivial; they are the heart and soul of rituals, and while some have been discarded and forgotten, others persist and carry even more symbolic and emotional weight than some religious requirements. Customs are not set in stone. Over the centuries Jewish weddings have been celebrated with variations in ritual and custom that reflected the needs and values of different times and places.

The nostalgic fallacy that there was once a standard, universal and correct way to do a Jewish wedding ignores differences in everything from clothes to the fact that for centuries some Jews practiced polygamy. Throughout history, Judaism has been a living tradition, examined, debated and reinvented, generation after generation. Jewish weddings are grounded in the past, but they have always been the stuff of the irrepressible present.

Today, communities are scattered, culturally diverse and even virtual. We don’t share a common ritual language, and many of us have never been to a Jewish wedding. Our celebrations are mounted by professionals, whose main focus is on the reception, not what goes on under the huppah (also spelled chuppah). There is a lot of hand-wringing and breast-beating about how this represents a terrible loss. But the truth is, Jews of the 21st century cannot marry the same way their parents did, much less their great-grandparents. The world has changed too much; our expectations of marriage are not the same. To be emotionally and spiritually authentic, our weddings need to synthesize the sum total of our experience, which includes the reality of our daily lives.

To make a wedding that is both authentically Jewish and personally meaningful requires a level of conscious decision making that would have mystified previous generations: Should we use Hebrew words in the wedding invitation? How do we arrange the processional with two sets of divorced parents in the mix? What do we want our ketubah (wedding contract) to say?

How are we going to make our wedding Jewish? How Jewish are we going to make our wedding?

The more numerous the choices, the greater the likelihood of disagreements. The Yiddish proverb “No ketubah was ever signed without an argument” was addressed to family squabbles (still a reality), but it also applies to the friction between tradition and personal style, between a 4,000-year-old system of laws and contemporary values about, among other things, women’s roles. Transforming that heat into light is the challenge of making Jewish tradition your own.

In planning your wedding, I encourage you and your partner to learn, choose and even argue. As rites of passage, weddings clarify and express a lot about the people under the huppah. A wedding is a public announcement and demonstration of who you are as a couple. When you draw on Jewish tradition — borrowing, revising, even rejecting — the tradition becomes yours. And it lives.

Adapted with permission from The Jewish Wedding Now (Simon & Schuster)

The post Planning the Right Jewish Wedding for You appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Nonetheless, Judaism doesn’t exactly take an anything goes approach to sex. Instead, sexual activity is highly circumscribed in Jewish tradition, as the rabbis of the Talmud sought to use the human libido as a tool for increasing the population and strengthening marriage. Traditional Jewish law not only prohibits many types of sexual relationships, but it also dictates specific parameters even for permitted ones. And while Judaism is broadly permissive when it comes to sex between married adults, the same is not true for sexual activity outside of a committed relationship.

Does Judaism allow extramarital sex?

Adultery — traditionally defined as sexual intercourse between a married woman and a man who is not her husband — is forbidden in the seventh of the Ten Commandments and is among the most serious infractions in Judaism. But there is no universal prohibition on men having sexual relations out of wedlock, an allowance that is believed to stem at least in part from concerns about paternity — a women with multiple partners raises doubts about a child’s parentage. Indeed several of the key figures in the Bible engaged in sexual relationships and fathered children with women who were not their wives, including the patriarchs Abraham and Jacob. The Torah and later rabbinic writings also recognize the category of concubine (pilegesh in Hebrew). However, the practice of Jewish men having multiple sexual partners, whether multiple wives or concubines, has not been common for centuries.

What about premarital sex?

Traditionally, premarital sex has been discouraged if not taboo, and in the contemporary Orthodox world it is strictly forbidden. Many ultra-Orthodox communities are stringent about separating males and females in large part to reduce the likelihood of romantic encounters between the unmarried. Though there is no such gender separation in more liberal Jewish communities, even contemporary Reform and Conservative rabbis have upheld Judaism’s traditional preference that sex be reserved for marriage. A 1979 Reform movement responsum declared “premarital and extramarital chastity to be our ideal.” Even in 2001, when a committee of Reform rabbis published a report on sexual ethics that dropped references to marriage as the sole appropriate context for sexual activity, the movement continued to urge fidelity and exclusivity in sexual relations. The committee issued a separate statement on adultery that described extramarital affairs — whether conducted in secret or with a spouse’s consent — as sinful and forbidden.

The Conservative movement has taken a similar line. While officially maintaining that marriage is the only appropriate context for sex and firmly rejecting adultery, incest and general promiscuity, the movement has acknowledged that “a measure of morality” can be found in non-marital sexual relationships provided they comport with Jewish sexual values, including mutual respect, honesty, health and monogamy.

Both the Reform and Conservative movements have affirmed that their attitude toward sexual ethics applies equally to heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

What is the Jewish view on masturbation?

Traditionally, masturbation is strictly prohibited for men. The source of this prohibition is sometimes attributed to the biblical figure Onan who, charged with propagating the family line by fathering children with his brother’s widow Tamar, instead withdrew from her and ejaculated on the ground — a crime for which God took his life. Many commentators subsequently understood the prohibition on masturbation as a prohibition on the spilling (or wasting) of sperm. The Shulchan Aruch rules that it is forbidden to spill seed needlessly, calling it a sin more severe than any other in the Torah and tantamount to murder.  The Talmud referred to male masturbation as adultery with one’s hand.

Some rabbinic authorities consider Onan’s sin to have been disobedience, rather than wasted sperm, and see the source of the masturbation ban in concerns about ritual purity. Maimonides, who was a physician as well as a rabbi, wrote that excessive seminal discharge causes bodily decay and diminished vitality — a common belief in the Middle Ages that is not generally accepted by modern Western medicine.

In some Orthodox communities, the prohibition on male masturbation is taken so seriously that various other acts are also barred for fear they might lead to arousal and thus to wasting seed — including touching one’s own penis, another act the Talmud banned (even during urination)

The liberal denominations have taken a somewhat more accepting approach. In a 1979 paper that addressed the question directly, Reform Rabbi Walter Jacob wrote that masturbation isn’t sinful or harmful, though it should still be discouraged. Elliot Dorff, a leading Conservative rabbi who has written extensively on Jewish sexual ethics, has suggested that given the tendency among Jews in the West to delay marriage, it is unreasonable to expect complete abstention from all sexual pleasure until one’s wedding night. Given the choice between premarital sex and masturbation, Dorff wrote, masturbation is morally preferable. . In part to avoid such choices, some Orthodox communities strongly encourage young people to marry by their early 20s, if not earlier.

Female masturbation is less problematic in Jewish tradition, as it doesn’t raise concerns about spilled seed. The issue is not directly addressed in ancient sources. Indeed, some have suggested that the rabbis of the Talmud, all of them men, couldn’t even conceive of female masturbation as a form of sex. While, some authorities have inferred a prohibition based on sources that are sometimes understood as barring lustful thoughts, , other contemporary rabbis see no problem with women masturbating. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein, a leading 20th century Orthodox authority, dismissed multiple grounds for objection to female masturbation, including that sexual thoughts might lead to actual transgressions.

Is pornography acceptable?

Traditional Jewish law is firmly opposed to pornography. The Shulchan Aruch prohibited even looking at a woman’s finger or her clothes lest it lead to impure thoughts and actions. Various biblical sources are also routinely invoked as a basis for banning porn. Among them, the verse (Numbers 15:39) that establishes tzitzit fringes as a bulwark against following the lustful urges of the eyes.  Moreover, Jewish tradition stresses the importance of modesty and privacy in the conduct of sexual relations, and early rabbinic literature voices considerable fear about the impact of impure sexual thoughts. Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, a Conservative rabbi who has written extensively about Judaism and sexuality, raises another concern about consumer ethics and pornography, given that much sexually explicit material is produced in ways that are exploitative of the performers.

Though ancient rabbinic sources were fairly permissive with respect to sexual activity between husband and wife, some rabbis nevertheless consider the viewing of pornography as beyond the pale even when married couples use it as foreplay or as a way to improve their sex lives. Shmuley Boteach, a rabbi and author whose books include Kosher Sex, Kosher Lust and Kosher Adultery, has approved fellatio and sex toys, but draws the line at pornography. “They may be making love while watching the film, but in spirit and in mind they might as well be with the people in the video,” Kosher Sex says of couples that watch pornography together.

Rabbi Jonathan Crane, writing in the Reform movement’s 2014 volume on sexuality, The Sacred Encounter, takes a different view. “It would seem that the tonal thrust of the textual tradition favors permitting, if not encouraging, Jews to produce and consume some forms of erotic expressions for the purpose of invigorating marital relations, with perhaps more freedom in the verbal than visual arena,” he writes.

In recent years, the easy availability of online pornography has prompted serious alarm, particularly in the Orthodox world. Orthodox rabbis have issued stringent edicts about internet use, and a number of organizations have sprung up to help those battling porn addiction. GuardYourEyes, an Orthodox website endorsed by a number of prominent Orthodox (mostly ultra-Orthodox) rabbis, offers a wide range of tools for those battling addiction, including support groups, daily emails and filtering software. “I doubt that at any time in our history has there been as grave a threat to the morality of our people and to the stability of the Jewish family as the plague of addiction to internet pornography,” Abraham Twerski, a leading Orthodox rabbi and respected psychiatrist specializing in addiction, has written.

Is sexting permitted?

Sexting, the sending of sexually suggestive words or images by text message, has become a common practice among teenagers and has raised alarms among educators, religious and secular alike. However, the simple act of using words to sexually entice isn’t a forbidden act. Indeed, a famous Talmudic story suggests that at least one ancient Jewish rabbi talked erotically with his wife in bed prior to intercourse.  In his podcast The Joy of Text, Orthodox Rabbi Dov Linzer suggests that sexting one’s spouse could actually be a good way to build “some sense of anticipation and excitement even before the couple moves to the bedroom.”

One problem with sexting is that it can also be a means of carrying on non-physical sexual relationships outside of marriage, as evidenced by the notorious case of former Congressman Anthony Weiner. Experts have also raised concerns that sexting among teens leads to bullying and risky sexual behaviors, though some have challenged these assertions. There have also been cases in which sexted photos of underage girls have wound up online. Sexting that violates someone’s privacy or leads to bullying or risky behaviors would clearly run afoul of Jewish law and ethics.

Does Judaism allow oral sex?

Though some rabbis in the Talmud were highly restrictive about which sexual activities married couples could engage in, the prevailing view was that a man may do with his wife as he wishes provided he has her consent. This ruling is explicitly codified by Maimonides and by the 16th-century authority Moses Isserles (known as the Rema), whose commentary on the Shulchan Aruch is considered authoritative by Ashkenazi Jews. While some rabbinic authorities consider fellatio to run afoul of the prohibition on spilling seed, this is not universally accepted even within Orthodox circles. The Rema cites a leniency that even “unnatural” sex — a Talmudic term usually understood as referring to anal sex — is permitted even if it leads to ejaculation. From this specific allowance for non-procreative ejaculation, some extrapolate that any sexual act undertaken in the context of a permitted sexual relationship is acceptable even if it results in sperm not being used for reproductive purposes.

As with female masturbation, oral sex performed on a woman does not raise issues of spilled semen. Though some more stringent opinions consider the practice forbidden on various grounds — among them, a prohibition on staring at a woman’s genitals — both Maimonides and the Rema explicitly permit a man to kiss any limb of his wife’s body that he desires.

The post Judaism and Sex: Questions and Answers appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

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Ketubah Wording

While some ketubot (the plural of ketubah) are stunning works of art, the most important part of any ketubah is what it says. After all, you and your partner will be signing this document and affirming that what it reads is true, so the first thing you’ll want to do is find a ketubah with text that reflects the values you and the person you’re marrying share.

You also may want to strike the right balance for yourself between traditional and progressive options. Until the 20th century, almost all ketubot contained the same basic text in Aramaic and were signed only by the groom and two male witnesses. The document was essentially the groom’s marriage proposal to the bride and his pledge to “honor, support, and provide for her”. While many traditionally observant Jews continue to adhere to the original text and customs — or to keep them, but add to the ketubah a prenuptial agreement that promises a get, or Jewish divorce decree, if requested — a wide variety of alternatives are now available.

For example, at www.ketubah.com,  you’ll find (as of 2019) 32 different choices of pre-written texts including an option to write your own. Some offer language inclusive of same-sex couples or that reflects a more egalitarian view of the couple’s relationship. Others are specifically tailored for interfaith couples. If you don’t know which text to select, read several and consider which ones reflect your values.

You also will need to decide in which language or languages you’d like your ketubah to be. Many ketubot are in Hebrew or Aramaic, with side-by-side translation. When Paul Golin, an American Jew who serves as executive director of the Society for Humanistic Judaism, married Yurika Mizuno, who is from Japan, they had the ketubah at right created with English, Hebrew, and Japanese text.

If you choose to start from scratch and write your own text, it’s a good idea to consult with a rabbi or scholar of Jewish law. Rabbi Jodie Gordon of the Reform congregation Hevreh of Southern Berkshires in Great Barrington, Massachusetts suggests that custom-written ketubot include: the date of the wedding on both the Jewish and Gregorian calendars, the couple’s names as well as the names of witnesses in attendance, and, what she calls “a conversation of promise,” a reflection of what each partner wants in the relationship and the marriage as they move forward.

Ketubah Aesthetics and Price

Once the text has been decided on, the next choices you’ll have to make are about style and presentation. For some couples, buying a ketubah is an investment in a piece of art. Some commission artists or artisans to create custom ketubot that can cost thousands of dollars. One place to find such artists is through the creative marketplace on Etsy.

More affordable ketubot can be found elsewhere online, at Judaica shops and at Jewish museum gift shops. A quick Google or Pinterest search will lead to plentiful options from simple to abstract to unusual like these these 3D style ketubot, this two-sided one, this Andy Warhol-inspired one, or this one set over a backdrop of the Guggenheim Museum in New York.

Crafty couples might also consider purchasing art supplies and making their own ketubah. MPArtworks Ketubah Studio’s offers a “paint-your-own DIY” ketubah, and fans of adult coloring books can now purchase coloring ketubot. You can select your own text and color in the designs that surround it. Use it as a way to unwind from your wedding planning, or offer it as an activity for a bridal shower or bachelor party — or as an activity just before the wedding.

What Alternative Options Exist?

A small but emerging trend in the world of ketubot is the idea of replacing the ketubah altogether with what’s known as a “Brit Ahuvim” or a “lover’s covenant.” Jewish feminist theology professor Rachel Adler, who wrote Engendering Judaism: An Inclusive Theology and Ethics in 1998, introduced this alternative practice for those who find the gendered roots of the traditional ketubah off-putting. Some couples reject the notion that in their view, traditional ketubot were documents outlining a groom’s purchase of his wife. The idea of Brit Ahuvim is to create a new document, without roots to a traditional ketubah, that looks at marriage through an egalitarian lens and contains promises the couple makes to each other. Adler’s original sample text for Brit Ahuvim, as well as several other alternative ketubah texts, can be found here.

Whether your ketubah is an artist’s finest masterpiece or something simple and beautiful that you found in your local Judaica store or something you wrote and crafted with your own hands, it should be a document that you want to look at for the rest of your lives.

The post How to Choose a Ketubah, or Jewish Marriage Contract appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Today, same-sex marriages are recognized by the Reform, Conservative, Renewal and Reconstructionist movements, and each movement’s rabbinical seminary ordains LGBTQ students. This has not always been the case — as recently as 1990, the Reform movement’s rabbinic leaders officially considered heterosexual relationships “the ideal human relationship for the perpetuation of species, covenantal fulfillment, and the preservation of the Jewish people.” By the mid-1990s, the movement had fully endorsed same-sex marriage — two decades before it became legal across the United States.

A decade later, the Conservative movement reversed its longstanding ban on gay sexual activity and reversed its policy of not ordaining gay and lesbian rabbis. In 2012, the movement endorsed gay marriage. All these changes were preceded by the Reconstructionist movement, which began became the first movement to accept gays and lesbians as rabbinical students in 1984 and whose rabbis have long been free to officiate at same-sex marriages.

But while the liberal Jewish community has shifted markedly on this issue, homosexuality remains a vexing issue in Orthodoxy, which continues to hold fast to the Torah’s seemingly inflexible rejection of homosexual acts.

Does Jewish tradition reject homosexuality?

The source of Jewish opposition to homosexuality lies in two nearly identical biblical verses. Leviticus 18:22 states: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination.” And Leviticus 20:13 states: “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, the two of them have done an abomination; they shall surely be put to death—their blood shall be upon them.” Many authorities consider this prohibition to be one of Judaism’s cardinal sins and believe it must not be transgressed even at the threat of one’s life.

READ: Reading the Prohibition Against Homosexuality in Context

Even the most traditionally-minded interpreters of the verse acknowledge that the Torah does not prohibit homosexuality as such, but merely one specific sexual act — generally understood to be anal sex between two men. However, later rabbinic authorities expanded the prohibition to include lesbian sexual acts and all male homosexual activities short of anal intercourse. The biblical verses are also generally not understood as rejecting homosexuals as individuals, but merely homosexual acts.

Views differ sharply along denominational lines.

Reform: The Reform movement was the first of the major denominations to take a liberal position toward homosexuality, adopting the first of many resolutions on behalf of gays and lesbians in 1977. Gay marriage was endorsed by the rabbinate in 1996 and by the movement’s congregational arm the following year. The movement’s rabbinical school, Hebrew Union College — Jewish Institute of Religion, ceased discriminating against gay applicants in 1990.

Conservative: In 2006, the Conservative movement concluded a polarizing debate over homosexuality with the endorsement of two contradictory opinions — one upholding the movement’s previous rejection of gay relationships, and another retaining the Torah prohibition on male anal sex but allowing for other forms of sexual intimacy between members of the same sex. The latter opinion also explicitly endorsed the ordination of gays and lesbians as rabbis and cantors. Both opinions are considered equally valid, and individual Conservative rabbis may choose which one to follow.

Orthodox: Orthodox Jews on the whole continue to reject homosexual behavior as fundamentally inconsistent with Jewish law. While there is little indication that this position is severely contested within that community, let alone likely to change in the near future, there have been initiatives to make Orthodox communities more welcoming of gay Jews. A statement authored in 2010 and signed by over 200 Orthodox rabbis expressly welcomed gay Jews fully into synagogue life even as it reiterated traditional Orthodox opposition to gay sex and same-sex marriage. An Israeli Orthodox rabbinic group released a similar statement in 2016. And a number of grassroots groups for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Orthodox Jews and their families have emerged, including JQY and Eshel.

What about gay marriage?

Attitudes toward gay marriage track closely with attitudes toward homosexuality generally. The Reform movement now considers same-sex marriage to qualify as kiddushin — the rabbinic term for betrothal, a holy union between two partners.

In 2012, the same three Conservative rabbis who authored the more liberal opinion on homosexuality noted above published a series of rituals and documents pertaining to same-sex marriage ceremonies and divorce. Notably, their proposals do not include kiddushin. Other Conservative rabbis, believing that gay marriage must enjoy the same status as traditional heterosexual marriage, have insisted on applying the traditional marriage rituals with only the most minor modifications in gendered language.

Orthodox rabbis on the whole do not perform same-sex marriages. In a rare joint statement in 2011, six organizations representing a broad spectrum of the Orthodox community, from modern to haredi (ultra-Orthodox), signed on to a statement affirming that the Torah “sanctions only the union of a man and woman in matrimony.”

Do any Jews support conversion therapy?

Conversion therapy — sometimes also called reparative or change therapy — refers to the effort to “cure” gays of same-sex attraction and enable them to lead heterosexual lives. It is regarded as ineffective and harmful by the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association and many others. Some Jewish authorities still support it, but they are mostly (though not exclusively) members of the haredi Orthodox community.

The main proponent of conversion therapy in the Jewish community was a New Jersey-based group called JONAH, which in 2015 was found guilty of consumer fraud for using scientifically questionable methods and claiming a success rate it could not substantiate. Later that year, a New Jersey judge ordered the group to cease operations. Though the largest Orthodox rabbinical group, the Rabbinical Council of America, had at one time commended JONAH’s work, it publicly withdrew its endorsement in 2012, citing evidence that the therapy was ineffective and had potentially negative consequences.

Some in the Orthodox community still support conversion therapy, however, in part because they believe it is impossible that homosexual desires could be both unchangeable and proscribed by the Torah.

What about Jewish attitudes toward transgender people?

The issue of transgender people in Judaism is of more recent vintage than the question of homosexuality, but attitudes among the major denominations track quite similarly. The Reform movement was the earliest trailblazer, ordaining its first transgender rabbi in 2006. In 2007, the movement’s new prayer book included blessings to sanctify gender transitions. Full equality and inclusion for transgender persons was endorsed in 2015.

The Conservative rabbinate adopted a similar resolution the following year. In 2003, the Conservative movement endorsed a rabbinic opinion stating that someone who had undergone complete sex reassignment surgery should be considered in Jewish law to have changed his or her sex status, but someone who had undergone only partial reassignment surgery should not. In the Orthodox world, sex reassignment, cross-dressing and hormonal treatments are still considered forbidden. However, some Orthodox rabbis have begun to grapple with how to reach out to and welcome transgender people.

In 2023, the queer non-denominational yeshiva SVARA published the first collection of teshuvot, or Jewish legal opinions, written by and for trans people. The teshuvot cover an array of issues, such as niddah, circumcision, mikveh immersion and gender-affirming surgeries.

Can LGBTQ Jews become rabbis and cantors?

Yes, in the liberal movements. The Reform Hebrew Union College—Jewish Institute of Religion has been accepting gay applicants since 1990, and the Reconstructionist movement’s rabbinical school has been doing so since 1984. HUC ordained its first openly transgender rabbi in 2006. The Conservative movement’s flagship Jewish Theological Seminary revised its application criteria in 2007 to allow for gay applicants and admitted its first openly gay students the following year. Orthodox seminaries still do not permit openly gay students; however there is at least one Orthodox gay rabbi who came out subsequent to his ordination.

How is the LGBTQ community treated in Israel?

By many metrics, Israel is considered a trailblazer on LGBTQ issues. Openly gay Israelis have been permitted to serve in the military since the early 1990s, nearly two decades before the U.S. military formally permitted gays to serve openly. Although same-sex marriage is not possible in Israel because the Orthodox-dominated Chief Rabbinate retains full control over marriage, same-sex couples who marry abroad can have their unions recognized by the state and enjoy many of the same rights and benefits as straight couples. Israel has regularly touted its achievements on gay rights as a sign of its progressive Western worldview, a practice some critics have derided as an attempt at “pinkwashing” — that is, to distract from its treatment of the Palestinians.

For more on LGBTQ Jewish life, visit MyJewishLearning’s Keshet blog.

The post Judaism and LGBTQ Issues: An Overview appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Few Jewish symbols have a single explanation, and this one is downright kaleidoscopic. The custom dates back to the writing of the Talmud:

Mar bar Rabina made a marriage feast for his son. He observed that the rabbis present were very gay. So he seized an expensive goblet worth 400 zuzim and broke it before them. Thus he made them sober. (Berakhot 5:2 )

In other words, where there is rejoicing, there should be trembling.

By the Middle Ages, synagogue facades in Germany were inlaid with a special stone for the express purpose of smashing a glass at the end of weddings. However, its interpretation changed somewhat by the 14th century, when, according to Maurice Lamm’s The Jewish Way in Love and Marriage,  it was viewed as a reminder of the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. Either way, the lesson is that even at the height of personal joy, we recall the pain and losses suffered by the Jewish people and remember a world in need of healing.

The fragility of glass suggests the frailty of human relationships. Since even the strongest love is subject to disintegration, the glass is broken as a kind of incantation: “As this glass shatters, so may our marriage never break.”

Loud noises are a time-honored method for frightening and appeasing demons that are attracted to beautiful and fortunate people, such as the happy couple beneath the huppah (also commonly spelled chuppah).

Marriage is a covenant, which in Judaism is made by breaking or cutting something. At Sinai, tablets were broken; at a wedding, broken glass “cuts” the covenant.

Breaking the glass also has sexual connotations, as it prefigures the release of sexual union, which is not only permitted to married couples but also required of them. For centuries breaking the glass implicitly symbolized breaking the hymen, which is why it was so important that the groom succeed.

The crash of glass ends the hush of mythic time under the huppah, and the world rushes in. Everyone exhales, claps and shouts, “Mazel tov!” The celebration begins.

You can break any kind of glass: old, new, borrowed, or blue. Whatever you choose, it should be well wrapped to prevent injury. A heavy cloth napkin is standard, but you can buy a satin pouch or a velvet bag. (Some artisans fashion mementoes out of the shards.) While a lightbulb wrapped in a linen napkin might make a louder pop, it seems like a poor stand-in for such a rich and ancient symbol.

Excerpted with permission from The Jewish Wedding Now (Simon & Schuster)

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Answer: I have to quibble a little with your question, Alan. I’m guessing that you’ve seen Jewish men wearing yarmulkes, or kippot, and you haven’t seen women wearing them, so you’ve assumed that women don’t, as a rule, wear kippot. But that’s not actually true–go into any Reform or Conservative synagogue and you’re likely to see a fair number of women covering their heads.

Some women wear crocheted yarmulkes just like the ones worn by men. Others wear wire or beaded yarmulkes that are more feminine, and others cover their heads with scarves, hats, even headbands. Though these headcoverings may not look the same as the traditional ones you recognize, they are intended to serve the same purpose as the yarmulke on a man.

So what is the purpose of wearing a yarmulke? Covering one’s head is not a commandment found in the Torah or the Talmud. Instead, it’s a sign of reverence for God, a custom that became popular in the Middle Ages, and has stuck around since. Though some have suggested that covering one’s head is a way to remind oneself that God is always above, the primary function of a kippah today is to act as a sign of belonging to a certain group of people and of commitment to a certain way of life.

Why is the kippah only worn by men in traditional Orthodox communities? In these communities all ritual clothing–such as a prayer shawl, a Hasidic stock coat, or a kittel–is only worn by men. Women are not considered obligated to perform the commandments associated with some of these garments, so they don’t wear any of them. However, in these communities, married women do cover their hair, usually with hats, scarves, or wigs. This goes back to a commandment hinted at in the Torah, and stated more explicitly in the Talmud and later rabbinic texts. It’s a law unrelated to the kippah custom.

As you can see, there’s a lot of head and hair-covering in Jewish life, for men and women alike, in Reform, Conservative, Orthodox, and other Jewish communities.

The post Ask the Expert: Can Women Wear Kippot? appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

“Who had time in Sarnia,” recalls my father, “for a leisurely Friday night dinner? You had to rush home, eat quickly, and get back to the store.”

When my family moved to Toronto, however, all this changed. My father ceased working on Shabbat. We began attending Jewish schools and camps where we learned tefillot (prayers) and Hebrew songs.

Singing as a Renewed Commitment

When we first introduced the singing of Eshet Hayil at the Shabbat table, my father, who had received but a rudimentary Jewish education growing up in Sarnia, struggled with the complex Hebrew words, yet persisted in going through it every week. For our family, singing Eshet Hayil symbolized a renewed commitment to Jewish observance and the authentic calm of a leisurely Shabbat meal shared with the whole family. It stood for the realization of a Jewish Canadian/American dream, completely elusive to my grandfather’s generation: the possibility of earning a living while living as a fully observant Jew.

Listen to Eshet Hayil (courtesy of Mechon Hadar)

The Origins of Eshet Hayil

Scholars say that the custom of singing Eshet Hayil at the Friday night table was initiated by kabbalists in the 17th century, who viewed Shabbat as an occasion of mystical union with the Divine. They understood Eshet Hayil allegorically as a representation of the Shekhina, the feminine presence of God. In a sense, we were living out our own contemporary allegorical interpretation of Proverbs 31, with the Woman of Valor being the Sabbath, whom we had welcomed, with renewed energy, into our midst.

There is allegory, and then there is literal reading. Singing Eshet Hayil was also an occasion to offer appreciation for my mother, who cooked, baked, and sewed, and had now prepared the Shabbat dinner that we so much enjoyed. The valorous woman in Proverbs 31 never sits still, let alone rests. Her light never goes out and she rises from her bed when it is still dark. Was that not just like my own mother, who teemed with nervous energy, walked more quickly than anyone else in the family, and had this uncanny ability to wake up in the middle of the night in response to the sound of my footsteps approaching my parents’ room?

Wonder Woman

Years later, as a mother, scholar, and feminist, I find myself returning to Eshet Hayil, wondering where I see myself in relation to this biblical uber-frau, who singlehandedly feeds her entire household, works her hands in wool and flax, clothes her children in crimson, all the while managing a business and various philanthropic endeavors. To what extent do any of us see ourselves in this A to Z list of what was valued in a woman in the biblical period? Are we amused by it or alienated?

In the context of our own times, when so many of us work outside as well as inside the home, negotiating on a daily basis a heroic set of professional as well as domestic duties, does Proverbs 31 provide inspiration or does it enshrine a set of unrealistic expectations? Nowadays, when husbands are more involved in child rearing, domestic chores, and Shabbat preparation, should they still sing this paean to their wives while wives sing nothing to their husbands? Given our awareness of the number of single women in our midst as well as couples and families who do not conform to this heterosexual norm, are we not concerned about trumpeting this image as an ideal?

In asking these questions, we exit the experiential mode in which the song wafts over us unthinkingly and begin a more critical set of deliberations that can lead to disgruntlement as well as rediscovery. What do we find when we look into the ways in which Jews read and understood this poem/song in the past? And what new readings can we offer as moderns and as feminists?

Eshet Hayil In Context

Many of us are acquainted with remarkable men and women, though, who possess amazing and numerous virtues that inspire us and even arrest our imaginations. As feminists, we may not thrill to the list of tasks and traits enumerated in the biblical acrostic that is Proverbs 31. Yet, I still cling to the scholarly mission of searching out outstanding women of the past as well as to the belief in the real possibility of contemporary women of valor, however we define the term. Once again, I refer to the issue of context.

We typically ignore the fact that the Eshet Hayil poem is preceded in Proverbs 31 by nine verses of instruction offered by an unnamed Queen Mother to her son King Lemuel, in which she warns him against drunkenness and debauchery (with women), encouraging him instead to judge righteously and be an advocate for the needy. One way to read the Eshet Hayil, poem, then, is as King Lemuel’s eulogy for his valorous and wise mother, bearing in mind the genre of the eulogy, which often includes hyperbole and sacralizing of the lost loved one.

We all know, of course, that it is best not to reserve one’s appreciation for that ultimate occasion. Instead, why not sing it each week to others as well as ourselves? This past Friday night, after completing a draft of this essay as well as a dizzying array of other home-related tasks, I giddily joined in the singing of Eshet Hayil, adding in my own extemporaneous musical list of my accomplishments and those of the people around me–my kids had been remarkably cooperative that Friday, my husband survived another week on Wall Street and had managed to get home just in time for candle lighting–to the praised attainments of yesteryear. A better way to begin my Shabbat, who can find?

Excerpted with permission from JOFA, The Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance.

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Where This Practice Comes From

The origin of the tradition lies in the Sotah ritual, a ceremony described in the Bible that tests the fidelity of a woman accused of adultery. According to the Torah, the priest uncovers or unbraids the accused woman’s hair as part of the humiliation that precedes the ceremony (Numbers 5:18). From this, the Talmud (Ketuboth 72) concludes that under normal circumstances hair covering is a biblical requirement for women.

The Mishnah in Ketuboth (7:6), however, implies that hair covering is not an obligation of biblical origin. It discusses behaviors that are grounds for divorce such as, “appearing in public with loose hair, weaving in the marketplace, and talking to any man” and calls these violations of Dat Yehudit, which means Jewish rule, as opposed to Dat Moshe, Mosaic rule. This categorization suggests that hair covering is not an absolute obligation originating from Moses at Sinai, but rather is a standard of modesty that was defined by the Jewish community.

Having first suggested that hair covering is a biblical requirement — rooted in the Sotah ritual — and then proposing that it is actually a product of communal norms, the Talmud (Ketuboth 72) presents a compromise position: Minimal hair covering is a biblical obligation, while further standards of how and when to cover one’s hair are determined by the community.

Elsewhere in the Talmud (Berakhot 24a), the rabbis define hair as sexually erotic (ervah) and prohibit men from praying in sight of a woman’s hair. The rabbis base this estimation on a biblical verse: “Your hair is like a flock of goats” (Song of Songs 4:1), suggesting that this praise reflects the sensual nature of hair. However, it is significant to note that in this biblical context the lover also praises his beloved’s face, which the rabbis do not obligate women to cover. Though not all would agree, the late medieval German commentator Mordecai Ben Hillel Hakohen, known as the Mordecai, explains that these rabbinic definitions of modesty — even though they are derived from a biblical verse — are based on subjective communal norms that may change with time.

Historically speaking, women in the talmudic period likely did cover their hair, as is attested in several anecdotes in rabbinic literature. For example, Bava Kama (90a) relates an anecdote of a woman who brings a civil suit against a man who caused her to uncover her hair in public. The judge appears to side with the woman because the man violated a social norm. Another vignette in the Talmud describes a woman whose seven sons all served as High Priest. When asked how she merited such sons, she explained that even the walls of her home never saw her hair (Yoma 47a). The latter story is a story of extreme piety, surpassing any law or communal consensus; the former case may also relay a historical fact of practice and similarly does not necessarily reflect religious obligation.

Throughout the Middle Ages, Jewish authorities reinforced the practice of covering women’s hair, based on the obligation derived from the Sotah story. Maimonides does not include hair covering in his list of the 613 commandments, but he does rule that leaving the house without a chador, the communal standard of modesty in Arabic countries, is grounds for divorce (Laws of Marriage 24:12). The Shulchan Aruch records that both married and unmarried women should cover their hair in public (Even Haezer 21:2), yet the Ashkenazic rulings emphasize that this obligation relates only to married women. The Zohar further entrenches the tradition by describing the mystical importance of women making sure that not a single hair is exposed.

Varying Interpretation in the Modern Era

Today, in most Conservative and Reform communities, women do not cover their hair on a daily basis, though in some synagogues women still cover their heads during prayer. A Reform responsum (1990) declares: “We Reform Jews object vigorously to this requirement for women, which places them in an inferior position and sees them primarily in a sexual role.”

Both the Conservative and Reform movements allow, and in some cases encourage, women to cover their heads when praying or learning Torah, because of the requirement to wear a kippah. These rulings take head covering out of the realm of female sexual modesty, and instead define it as a ritual practice — for men and women alike — that signifies respect and awareness of God above.

In the contemporary Orthodox world, most rabbis consider hair covering an obligation incumbent upon all married women; however, there is variation in the form this takes. Some maintain that women must cover all their hair, for example the Mishnah Berurah forbids a man from praying in front of his wife if any of her hair is showing.

READ: It’s Yelp for Sheitels — the First-Ever Wig Review Site

Other Orthodox rabbinic figures have suggested that hair is no longer defined as erotic in our day and age, because most women in society do not cover their hair in public. Based on this logic, the Arukh HaShulhan concludes that men are no longer prohibited from praying in the presence of a woman’s hair, and Rav Moshe Feinstein ruled that women may show a hand’s-breadth of hair.

A few Orthodox rabbis in the early 20th century justified women’s decisions not to cover their hair at all, including the Moroccan chief rabbi in the 1960s, HaRav Mashash, and the lesser known American Modern Orthodox rabbi, Isaac Hurwitz — though they drew criticism for this opinion. In their writings, they systematically review the sources surveyed above and demonstrate that those sources describe a social norm of modest dress, but not a legal requirement.

“Now that all women agree,” Rabbi Mashash wrote, “that covering one’s hair is not an issue of modesty and going bare-headed is not a form of disrespect — in fact, the opposite is true: Uncovered hair is the woman’s splendor, glory, beauty, and magnificence, and with uncovered hair she is proud before her husband, her lover — the prohibition is uprooted on principle and is made permissible.”

What Women Do

While only a few traditional rabbis have reinterpreted the law of hair covering, throughout the generations women have acted on their own initiative. The first sparks of rebellion occurred in the 1600s, when French women began wearing wigs to cover their hair. Rabbis rejected this practice, both because it resembled the contemporary non-Jewish style and because it was immodest, in their eyes, for a woman to sport a beautiful head of hair, even if it was a wig. However, the wig practice took hold and, perhaps ironically, it is common today in many Hasidic and ultra-Orthodox communities. In some of these communities the custom is for women to wear an additional covering over their wig, to ensure that no one mistakes it for natural hair.

As the general practice of covering one’s head in public faded in Western culture in the past century, many Orthodox women also began to go bare-headed. Despite rabbinic opinions to the contrary, these women thought of hair covering as a matter of custom and culture.

Many women who continue to cover their hair do not do so for the traditional reason of modesty. For example some women view head covering as a sign of their marital status and therefore do not cover their hair in their own home. Others wear only a small symbolic head covering while showing much of their hair. Also in many communities, women have persisted in covering their hair only in synagogue.

In recent decades, there is an interesting trend among women who have learned the Jewish legal sources for themselves, due to advances in women’s education, and have decided to adopt a stringent stance toward hair covering, rather than following the more permissive norms of their parents’ communities. An entire book, Hide and Seek (2005), tells these women’s stories.

Modesty, as a Jewish value, is continually being refined and redefined by Jewish women and their communities. Just as some women have chosen to deemphasize hair covering as a marker of modesty, in other communities women may choose to embrace it, developing and reinforcing a more traditional communal norm. As modesty is subjectively defined, the community to which one wishes to belong may play a large role in determining practice. The decision to cover one’s hair rests at the crossroads between law and custom, personal choice and community identification.

For further reading check out:

What to Watch After Unorthodox

18 Things to Know About Shira Haas

On the Set of Unorthodox I Brushed Up Against My Hasidic Past

The post Hair Coverings for Married Women appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Keep in mind that every Jewish wedding differs slightly from the next, depending on the religious and cultural background of the couple — and of course their personalities. The particulars of the guidelines below will vary depending on the celebration you attend.

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What to Wear to a Jewish Wedding

Like most weddings, the dress code for a Jewish wedding can be influenced by location and time of day. At many Jewish weddings, men wear kippot (skullcaps), and they will most likely be provided at the wedding. In some circles, you may see women wearing kippot too. Women at more traditional Jewish weddings wear skirts or dresses that fall below the knee and cover their shoulders — or elbows, in even more traditional circles. Sometimes women wear wraps or jackets that cover their shoulders just for the ceremony, and then they uncover for the party.

Before the Jewish Wedding Ceremony

You might have received an invitation with two different start times. The first time listed refers to the start of the kabbalat panim — the time for greeting the couple before the ceremony — and the second time refers to the actual start time of the ceremony. Though it is nice for close friends and family to arrive at the beginning of the kabbalat panim, you can consider all of the kabbalat panim as an appropriate window for showing up. If there is only one start time listed, that is probably when the ceremony is scheduled to begin, so be on time.

The kabbalat panim prepares the couple for the wedding, and a lot of different things might take place there. At a more traditional kabbalat panim, the bride and groom sit in different rooms or areas, and guests greet them and often enjoy some light — or not so light — refreshments. Some brides and grooms fast on their wedding day until after the ceremony. It’s completely fine to eat in front of them at the kabbalat panim, but you may want to think twice before offering them refreshments.

At a traditional kabbalat panim, the bride often sits on a special seat, and guests approach her to give good wishes. She may offer a special blessing in return. The groom might have a tisch, where he sits around a table with his family and friends singing songs. He may also share words of Torah. The guests often heckle him by shouting and singing to interrupt him, and you can join in the fun. The bride may have her own tisch as well.

During the kabbalat panim, some couples read a document called tenaim, which outlines the conditions of the marriage and declares the couple’s intention to wed. This is followed by the breaking of a plate, usually by the mothers of the bride and groom. Symbolically it reflects that a broken engagement cannot be mended.

The ketubah — the Jewish marriage document — is normally signed at this time. In more traditional circles, it is signed at the groom’s tisch. In more liberal circles, the ketubah signing may be the main event of the kabbalat panim, with the couple, witnesses, and all the guests present.

After all the legalities are taken care of, the groom is escorted by his friends and family, usually with dancing and singing, to meet the bride and veil her in a ceremony known as the bedeken. This is often a particularly moving moment of the wedding, so if you’re planning to come late and skip the kabbalat panim, try to come at least 15 minutes before the ceremony is scheduled.

In a wedding with only one start time, the ketubah signing and veiling are usually taken care of with the rabbi in private, before the ceremony begins.

The Jewish Wedding Ceremony

Jewish weddings do not usually follow the custom of having the bride’s and groom’s guests sit separately, but at some Orthodox weddings, men and women sit on opposite sides of the aisle. As you enter the room for the ceremony, look out for a program that explains what’s going on. Not all weddings have these, but they are becoming increasingly popular.

A rabbi or cantor usually conducts the ceremony, standing under the chuppah (marriage canopy) with the bride, groom, and sometimes their families and friends. In the middle of the ceremony, the ketubah may be read by a rabbi or friend. The ketubah is often a beautiful piece of art, and after the ceremony you may be able to admire it if it is on display.

Near the end of the ceremony, the sheva berakhot — seven blessings — are recited over a cup of wine. These may be recited by one person, often the rabbi, or by several people. the bride and groom wish to honor. The guests in the crowd may sing along during the sheva berakhot. Feel free to hum along even if you do not know the words.

The wedding ceremony ends with the breaking of the glass, which symbolizes that even in times of great joy, we remember that there is still pain  in the world (which Jewish tradition relates to the destruction of the Jewish Temple). In most weddings, after the glass is broken it is time to jump up and yell, “Mazel Tov!”

After the conclusion of the ceremony, at more traditional weddings, the couple heads directly to a private room to spend their first few minutes of marriage alone. In this case,  there will not be a typical receiving line. If the cocktail hour didn’t already happen during the kabbalat panim, guests are invited for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres. Be careful not to fill up. Even at the most elaborate spreads, there will most likely be a full meal served during the reception.

Jewish Wedding Celebration

Lively circle dancing — popularly known as the hora — usually starts immediately when the bride and groom enter the party room. At more traditional weddings there are separate circles for men and women — sometimes split by a mehitzah (divider). In more liberal crowds, men and women dance together. Get ready for some raucous dancing, and feel free to take your turn dancing with the wedding couple.

As part of the hora, the couple will be seated on chairs and lifted in the air — if you’re strong, you can lend a hand. While they’re hoisted up, the bride and groom might hold onto a kerchief or napkin. You might recognize this part from the movies.

The couple may take a break from dancing themselves, sit down on chairs on the dance floor, and let the guests entertain them. You can dance for them or show off your back-flipping, juggling, or fire-blowing talents. Be creative — it’s all about making the newlyweds happy!

After the meal, more traditional weddings end with the recitation of a special grace after meals, which includes a recitation of the same sheva brachot recited during the ceremony. Guests are seated and join together for this. Many couples produce benschers (grace after meals booklets) with their names and the date of the wedding printed on them. You can take one of these home as a party favor.

Of course, there is great variation in Jewish weddings, so it is always good to check with your hosts prior to the wedding if you have any questions.

The post Being a Guest at a Jewish Wedding: A Guide appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Nonetheless, psychiatric ailments continue to be stigmatized. And while Jews have been instrumental in establishing the field of psychology — and are often stereotyped as being “neurotic” and more likely to undergo psychotherapy —  the Jewish community, like society in general, is not always comfortable openly talking about mental illness or dealing with those who suffer from it. Indeed, in some quarters of the Jewish community, there remains a great reluctance to discuss the issue at all, much less to relate to it as just another medical condition. This is despite the fact that references to mental illness can be found in some of the earliest Jewish textual sources.

Do classical Jewish texts discuss mental illness?

There is little direct discussion of mental illness in the Bible, though some have suggested that various biblical figures, most notably King David, may have suffered from depression. In the Bible, “madness” is described in several places as a form of divine punishment. In Deuteronomy, shigaon — an antecedent term for the common Yiddish expression meshuggeneh, or crazy — is one of the forms of divine retribution for those who don’t heed the word of God. Later in that section, God says that the Jewish people will become “m’shuga” after a foreign people steals their crops and abuses them.

The rabbis of the Talmud mostly addressed the issue in legal terms, as a question of mental competence — their concern being principally whether someone of unsound mind is obligated by religious commandments. However, there are talmudic sources that continue the biblical equation of madness and sinfulness. In Tractate Sota, the third-century sage Reish Lakish says a person only sins when the spirit of “shtut” — madness or folly — comes over him or her. Contemporary Orthodox writers have echoed both these ideas — that mental illness is a form of sinfulness and a punishment for it.

According to traditional Jewish law, someone who is mentally incompetent — a category known as a shoteh, derived from the Hebrew word for wanderer or vagrant — is exempt from most religious obligations and cannot get married or bear witness. The Talmud describes such a person as someone who goes out alone at night (despite the dangers) or sleeps in a cemetery — signs of his or her detachment from reality. Maimonides said the shoteh is someone who runs around naked or throws rocks. According to the Israeli psychiatrist Rael Strous, the classic definition of a shoteh is essentially a psychotic.

Echoing our contemporary understanding of the various forms of mental illness, the rabbis distinguished between those who are completely insane, those who cycle in an out of lucidity and those who are insane only in certain respects. However, their understanding of the causes of insanity would not be embraced by contemporary mental health professionals. In Tractate Ketubot, Rabbi Shimon ben Gamliel warns that idleness leads to “shimaon,” which the commentator Rashi equates with the biblical “shigaon” — craziness.

Do Jews suffer from mental illness at higher rates than the general population?

The idea that Jews are more anxious and neurotic than the norm is a widely repeated stereotype, one that has been attributed both to the many well-known Jewish neurotics who have played up their anxieties for comedic effect in film and television, as well as a tendency to celebrate Jewish anxiety as a sign of heightened intelligence. But the scientific data does not support the idea that, on average, Jews suffer from mental illness at higher rates than the general population.

A 1992 analysis of data from the National Institutes of Mental Health found that “the overall lifetime rate of psychiatric disorder did not differ among Jews as compared to non-Jews, even after controlling for demographic factors.”  The study did find that Jews suffer from certain mental illnesses at higher rates, including major depression, dysthymia, schizophrenia and simple phobia, but had lower rates of others, including alcoholism. This finding echoes the results of studies conducted in the 1950s and 1960s that found elevated rates of neurosis and manic depression (now known as bipolar disorder) among the Jewish population. The 1992 analysis found that rates of bipolar disorder, panic disorder, agoraphobia, social phobia, obsessive-compulsive disorder and drug abuse did not differ significantly between different religious groups. A 2007 study found that the frequency of mood and anxiety disorders in Israel is within the range of rates found in other Western countries.

More recently, scientists discovered a genetic variation among Ashkenazi Jews that increases their risk of developing schizophrenia, but that genetic variant is also found among other religious and ethnic groups. In addition, researchers in the emerging field of epigenetics —which investigates how environmental factors can affect genetic expression — have found evidence that communities that have suffered from trauma and persecution can experience genetic changes that can then be transmitted to future generations.

In the Orthodox community, considerable attention is now being directed to the prevalence of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, a condition that can sometimes be hard to distinguish from a hyper vigilance (sometimes referred to as scrupulosity) regarding the performance of Jewish religious commandments.  Avigdor Bonchek, an Orthodox clinical psychologist and the author of Religious Compulsions and Fears: A Guide to Treatment, has suggested that one can distinguish between OCD behavior and healthy religious devotion in two ways: True OCD sufferers, he says, carry heavy stress and emotional burdens in their focus on strictly observing the commandments, and they demonstrate an extreme inflexibility that makes it difficult for them to violate commandments even when religiously obliged to do so.

Is there a stigma against mental illness in the Jewish community?

The stigma against mental illness is not limited to Jews. Mental illness is still often perceived as less “real” than physical illness, a sign of weakness or a defect of character. Surveys have shown that American employers are reluctant to hire people with histories of psychiatric problems or who are undergoing treatment. Research suggests that a majority of people hold negative attitudes toward the mentally ill and that, for many families, mental illness is a source of shame and embarrassment. That in turn leads sufferers to conceal their condition, making it less likely that they will seek treatment.

Jews are not immune to these tendencies, as evidenced by efforts in recent years to foster a more candid discussion about mental illness in the Jewish community. However, there are also indications that Jews are more open about mental health issues than other groups. A 2012 study of older New Yorkers found that Jews had a more positive attitude toward psychotherapy than non-Jewish whites and blacks, were more tolerant of the stigma surrounding therapy and were more open to sharing their feelings. The 1992 study based on the NIMH data also found that Jews were more open to seeking professional mental health assistance than were Catholics or Protestants.

In recent years, numerous efforts have been made to address the stigma in the Orthodox community, where the fear of harming marriage prospects has drawn a curtain of secrecy around those suffering from mental illness. Marvin Winkler, an Orthodox mental health practitioner, wrote in 1977: “The fear and shame associated with mental illness in the Torah community can be compared only to that associated with the most severe Halachic transgressions.” Today, there are a number of Jewish groups focused exclusively on mental health issues in the Orthodox community, including Refuat Hanefesh, which seeks to destigmatize mental illness among the Orthodox; Chazkeinu, which offers supportive phone meetings for women struggling with mental illness; Refa’enu, which runs educational programs in Jewish schools and support groups; and Relief, which makes mental health referrals.

Are there any Jewish organizations that focus on mental health?

Yes, Besides those noted above, Elijah’s Journey is a national Jewish nonprofit that focuses on suicide prevention. In addition, virtually every local Jewish federation in North America has a Jewish Family Services agency that provides, among other things, counseling and other assistance for families and individuals suffering with mental health issues.

There seem to be so many Jewish psychiatrists and therapists out there. Is the field of psychology dominated by Jews?

Anecdotally, this sometimes seems to be the case, but there is scant hard data to support it. One study published in 2007 found that American psychiatrists were more likely than other types of physicians to be Jews (Jews made up 29 percent of psychiatrists and only 19 percent of physicians overall), but the study, of 1,000 physicians, surveyed only 100 psychiatrists.

However it is true that Jews have been instrumental in the development of psychology and psychiatry. Probably the most famous psychologist in history and the father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, was Jewish, as were many of his early associates in the field,  including Erich Fromm, Alfred Adler and Bruno Bettelheim. Most of the major theorists of Gestalt psychology were Jewish. Joseph Jastrow, a Polish-born psychologist and the son of the author of a famous talmudic dictionary, was the first recipient of an American doctorate in psychology in 1898. Abraham Maslow, the psychologist famous for creating Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, was born to Russian Jewish immigrants in Brooklyn. Theorists have posed a number of ideas for why Jews are so prominent in early psychology, among them a Jewish penchant for expressing emotions verbally and a greater willingness among Jews to consult professionals about personal issues.

<!–Louis Jacobs, a British rabbi and theologian, served as rabbi of the New London Synagogue. Rabbi Jacobs lectures at University College in London and at Lancaster University. He has written numerous books, including Jewish Values, Beyond Reasonable Doubt, and Hasidic Prayer.

© Louis Jacobs, 1995. Published by Oxford University Press. All rights reserved. No part of this material may be stored, transmitted, retransmitted, lent, or reproduced in any form or medium without the permission of Oxford University Press.

–>

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Traditionally, the Mi Sheberach is said in synagogue when the Torah is read. If the patient herself/himself cannot be at services, a close relative or friend might be called up to the Torah for an honor, and the one leading services will offer this prayer, filling in the name of the one who is ill and her/his parents. Many congregations sing the version of the Mi Sheberach written by Debbie Friedman, a popular Jewish folk musician who focused on liturgical music. (That version can heard in the video, and its lyrics read, at the top of this article.)

Increasingly, the Mi Sheberach has moved into other settings and other junctures. Chaplains, doctors, nurses, and social workers are now joining patients and those close to them in saying the Mi Sheberach at various junctures—before and after surgery, during treatments, upon admission or discharge, on the anniversary of diagnosis, and more. We present it to you here, in English translation and in transliteration from the Hebrew, as a resource for you as you confront the challenges of illness. The Hebrew text can be found here.

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Listen to Mi Sheberach (courtesy of Mechon Hadar)

Mi Sheberach in English Translation

May the One who blessed our ancestors —

Patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,

Matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah —

bless and heal the one who is ill:

________________ son/daughter of ________________ .

May the Holy Blessed One

overflow with compassion upon him/her,

to restore him/her,

to heal him/her,

to strengthen him/her,

to enliven him/her.

The One will send him/her, speedily,

a complete healing —

healing of the soul and healing of the body —

along with all the ill,

among the people of Israel and all humankind,

soon,

speedily,

without delay,

and let us all say:  Amen!

Mi Sheberach in Hebrew Transliteration

The transliterated text below presents the prayer with correct pronouns for male and female patients. The word before the slash is for males, the one after for females.

Mi Sheberach

Avoteinu: Avraham, Yitzhak, v’Yaakov,

v’Imoteinu: Sarah, Rivka, Rachel v’Leah,

Hu yivarech virapei

et hacholeh/hacholah _____________ ben/bat ______________

HaKadosh Baruch Hu

yimalei rachamim alav/aleha,

l’hachalimo/l’hachlimah,

u-l’rap’oto/u-l’rap’otah,

l’hachaziko/l’hazikah,

u-l’chay-oto/u-l’chay-otah.

V’yishlach lo/lah bim-hera

r’fuah shlemah,

r’fu-at hanefesh u-r’fu-at hagoof,

b’toch sh’ar cholei Yisrael v’cholei yoshvei tevel,

hashta ba’agalah u-vizman kariv,

v’no-mar, Amen!

Reprinted with permission of the National Center for Jewish Healing, a program of the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services.

Sign up for a Journey Through Grief & Mourning: Whether you have lost a loved one recently or just want to learn the basics of Jewish mourning rituals, this 8-part email series will guide you through everything you need to know and help you feel supported and comforted at a difficult time.

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The post Jewish Prayer for the Sick: Mi Sheberach appeared first on My Jewish Learning.

Women in Traditional Jewish Sources

The Bible is a compilation of numerous books written over several centuries, and thus cannot be said to present a single view of women. Women are sometimes presented as men’s equals–as in the first creation story in Genesis–and other times as secondary in status–as in the laws which place women under the authority of their husbands and fathers.

The rabbis of the Talmud and Midrash were more explicit in their discussions about women and their status in Judaism. Rabbinic sources describe women as foolish, licentious, and light-minded, but also compassionate and intelligent. Judith Hauptman has shown how the rabbis self-consciously tempered biblical laws to improve conditions for women.

In the Middle Ages, women’s lives continued to be scripted by Jewish law, but the general cultural setting of Jewish communities also had significant impact on the way women were viewed. In Muslim lands, women tended to be more sheltered than in Christian areas. However, there are suggestions that in certain cases, Jewish communities in the Islamic world were more accommodating. For example, documents from the Cairo Geniza–a storeroom of Hebrew texts–show that the right of a woman to instigate divorce–established in the Talmud–was upheld, whereas certain European rabbis tried to restrict this right.

Today, questions regarding women and the possibility of increased inclusion in Jewish life continue to be debated and discussed in responsa literature (written rabbinic answers to specific legal questions).

Jewish Feminist Thought

Jewish feminists are critical of the exclusion of women from traditional Judaism’s most hallowed rituals and practices. But this practical critique is rooted in a conceptual critique founded upon the belief that the values, experiences, and characteristics which Judaism privileges are fundamentally male. Thus, for example, that the normative descriptive imagery and pronouns for God are male suggests that–in Judaism–male characteristics are of supreme value.  In a way, this conceptual critique is much more significant than the practical critique, because it calls for systematic changes in the way we think, not just in what we do.

Feminist theologians differ on the extent to which they think Judaism needs to be adjusted in order to correct this problem. But for some Jewish feminists, the privileging of male-ness is so imbedded in the structure of Judaism, that nothing less than a revolutionary re-creation of Judaism can suffice.

The post Jewish Gender and Feminism 101 appeared first on My Jewish Learning.